Does this seem like recovery?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 56
Does this seem like recovery?
I am so upset and frustraited right now. My AH has been clean, as far as I know, for 30 days now. A very short period of time I know. I just have so much trouble dealing with him right now. He told me tonight that I should be be so thankful to have my family and the kids here with me. Two of them, they are all teens, really don't want to have much to do with him. That if someone had taken away my children ( I took away his children, really?!?! ) and I had to deal with all he did, that I would understand how hard it was. That I was taking the easy way by having to move back in with my parents, get a full time job after being a stay at home mom for 20 years, and try to get the training I need to make a decent living. So here I am, living the easy life while poor old him has to deal with the choices he's made, and the things he's done. Also, he cries for a couple hours everytime he talks to me, and it's the only time he feels like using. I'm like an emotionless robot. I don't even know what to say to this.
He showed up, univited, to my son's doctor appt. the other day. Very, very awkward situation, but, I thought, well maybe he really is concerned. Then when son went to get blood tests, he tried to talk me in to loaning him 1500 so he could buy a car. He thought he could pick one up for a 1000, and then he'd need money for 6 months of insurence. He has money coming in, and I could keep the extra, for the boys and I. Oh, and his mom would guaranty it, wonder if she knew that? Then he got mad at me for not jumping on that plan, and left soon after. He had asked if he could come by the house to see the boys for a bit the day after. He never showed up. He hasn't given us any money for child support, he's not really working right now, just helping his mom out, and I've been so damn nice. I really do want him to get well, but it just seems like all he does is whine about how mean everyone is to him, and how hard his life is.
I'm trying to work though all these feelings. He lost everything we had! Our house, our business. We had moved with only some our things when he got a new job and he sold everything I couldn't get into suitcases when I left. The rest of our things are in storage with friends, so thankfully he couldn't get to those, but they are in a different state, and it's really expensive to get them here. He's lied, stole, and been a terrible person. I'm not allowed to talk about any of that though. He can't be sorry forever, and I need to learn to forgive, but he brings it up! And then tells me that he was a good husband for a lot of years, and I've basically abandoned him. He told me tonight that it would be different if I was having to live in a hotel, then I'd need him. But I, of course, took the easy way. He says he knows how much he hurt us, but he always qualifies it! Compares how much worse other people have done.
I don't know, does this seem like recovery? He says he's so sick of fighting, he's been fighting anger, and addiction, and pain for years, and he can't fight anymore. I don't even know what he wants anymore. We've been separated since April. We were married 20 years, and most of them were good ones, but I don't even know this person. I don't call and just see how he's doing because it's always like this. I've tried to just be a friend, as much as I can, and listen and not get to deep, but it's like he can't do that. I don't know what he wants from me, but I think it's more then I have to give right now. So I withdraw, and I focus on my life, and the boys. We do have a good life, but I work really hard to make it that way. We do fun things, and I have done my best to give them stability, and for now, that means living here.
I'm sorry, I just needed to rant I guess. I think for all I said I'm done, and have tried to move on, I was really hoping to see the man I loved come back. He's done things that I thought he'd never do, but I still hoped. Maybe just so I could get him to acknowledge what he did, we could get some therapy, and go back to our life. I don't think that's going to happen. There have been one or two days when I got to talk to that person, and I think that made it worse, because he's just gone again. It breaks your heart. I'm doing ok, still going to therapy, and group. Finding new things to do, and living my life. I'm just so sad. Thanks for listening.
He showed up, univited, to my son's doctor appt. the other day. Very, very awkward situation, but, I thought, well maybe he really is concerned. Then when son went to get blood tests, he tried to talk me in to loaning him 1500 so he could buy a car. He thought he could pick one up for a 1000, and then he'd need money for 6 months of insurence. He has money coming in, and I could keep the extra, for the boys and I. Oh, and his mom would guaranty it, wonder if she knew that? Then he got mad at me for not jumping on that plan, and left soon after. He had asked if he could come by the house to see the boys for a bit the day after. He never showed up. He hasn't given us any money for child support, he's not really working right now, just helping his mom out, and I've been so damn nice. I really do want him to get well, but it just seems like all he does is whine about how mean everyone is to him, and how hard his life is.
I'm trying to work though all these feelings. He lost everything we had! Our house, our business. We had moved with only some our things when he got a new job and he sold everything I couldn't get into suitcases when I left. The rest of our things are in storage with friends, so thankfully he couldn't get to those, but they are in a different state, and it's really expensive to get them here. He's lied, stole, and been a terrible person. I'm not allowed to talk about any of that though. He can't be sorry forever, and I need to learn to forgive, but he brings it up! And then tells me that he was a good husband for a lot of years, and I've basically abandoned him. He told me tonight that it would be different if I was having to live in a hotel, then I'd need him. But I, of course, took the easy way. He says he knows how much he hurt us, but he always qualifies it! Compares how much worse other people have done.
I don't know, does this seem like recovery? He says he's so sick of fighting, he's been fighting anger, and addiction, and pain for years, and he can't fight anymore. I don't even know what he wants anymore. We've been separated since April. We were married 20 years, and most of them were good ones, but I don't even know this person. I don't call and just see how he's doing because it's always like this. I've tried to just be a friend, as much as I can, and listen and not get to deep, but it's like he can't do that. I don't know what he wants from me, but I think it's more then I have to give right now. So I withdraw, and I focus on my life, and the boys. We do have a good life, but I work really hard to make it that way. We do fun things, and I have done my best to give them stability, and for now, that means living here.
I'm sorry, I just needed to rant I guess. I think for all I said I'm done, and have tried to move on, I was really hoping to see the man I loved come back. He's done things that I thought he'd never do, but I still hoped. Maybe just so I could get him to acknowledge what he did, we could get some therapy, and go back to our life. I don't think that's going to happen. There have been one or two days when I got to talk to that person, and I think that made it worse, because he's just gone again. It breaks your heart. I'm doing ok, still going to therapy, and group. Finding new things to do, and living my life. I'm just so sad. Thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
calmwater, this is hard for you, I know, but you are doing so well, in taking care of you and your children. and your H making it sounds like you have it easy....
well, compared to him, you do... you have it together, he doesn't. You are living a healthy life, and it sounds like he is jealous...he needs to look inward and face the music that this is his doing, his choices got him here.
sounds like he has a lot of work to do yet, and I hope he is getting some help. 30 days isn't long, compared to how long he was using. He has a lot to work through, and none of that is your job, you know?
It sounds like you are very kind to him. He in turn is trying to make you feel guilty and that is so unfair. Don't let him do that to you. Maybe make some boundaries, when he begins to try to blame you, or cry victim, you don't let him.
He has work to do, and sounds like he is trying every way to avoid it.
you are doing great, and don't let him make you feel badly for anything. Your children are blessed to have you.
vent anytime. we are here for you.
chicory
well, compared to him, you do... you have it together, he doesn't. You are living a healthy life, and it sounds like he is jealous...he needs to look inward and face the music that this is his doing, his choices got him here.
sounds like he has a lot of work to do yet, and I hope he is getting some help. 30 days isn't long, compared to how long he was using. He has a lot to work through, and none of that is your job, you know?
It sounds like you are very kind to him. He in turn is trying to make you feel guilty and that is so unfair. Don't let him do that to you. Maybe make some boundaries, when he begins to try to blame you, or cry victim, you don't let him.
He has work to do, and sounds like he is trying every way to avoid it.
you are doing great, and don't let him make you feel badly for anything. Your children are blessed to have you.
vent anytime. we are here for you.
chicory
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
No, no it does not seem like recovery all. It sounds like typical addictive manipulation that we are all so familiar with.
If someone else you love were telling you that they and their children were being treated in this manner, what would you tell them? Kids can see through the BS a lot better than a significant other can. I am sure that is why they don't want anything to do with him. This is who he is now, stop trying to look for who you want him to be.
I don't mean to be callous as I hear the hurt in your post. I agree going NC would be best. I am so sorry.
I agree with Chic.....vent away, that is what we are here for!
If someone else you love were telling you that they and their children were being treated in this manner, what would you tell them? Kids can see through the BS a lot better than a significant other can. I am sure that is why they don't want anything to do with him. This is who he is now, stop trying to look for who you want him to be.
I don't mean to be callous as I hear the hurt in your post. I agree going NC would be best. I am so sorry.
I agree with Chic.....vent away, that is what we are here for!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
I have heard that there is a difference between being a "dry drunk" and being in recovery.
If he is working a program and has a sponsor, I wonder if he would agree to you meeting with him and his sponsor to address the issues you have written about?
Bless you for taking care of your children!
If he is working a program and has a sponsor, I wonder if he would agree to you meeting with him and his sponsor to address the issues you have written about?
Bless you for taking care of your children!
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Calmwater, it's going to take a lot longer than 30 days for him to get this rubbish out of his system, which is why a year sober is often recommended before you even try to reconcile. I agree with the others that you are not his therapist and have no need to listen to him denigrating you and re-writing history. He needs to process this himself.
You're the one who gets to say whether you'll listen or not.
You sound like you've done amazing things - don't let him ruin your zen.
You're the one who gets to say whether you'll listen or not.
You sound like you've done amazing things - don't let him ruin your zen.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: WI
Posts: 240
This kind of emotional blackmail is the type of abuse my AH tries to inflict on me as well. I have no tolerance for it anymore. It is a good thing that he's disappeared for now. I'm not sure why I was crying over feeling abandoned just 18 days ago because it is this type of emotional hijacking that hurt my girls and I the most. We are in no way responsible for the self victimization and blaming these people feel. I do know if he called me tomorrow, I would hang up the phone. Please for your own emotional well being, consider no contact for a while. I'm finding my originally forced no contact with my AH a blessing in disguise. This is too fresh for you to not be tempted to be sucked back in. I have my own count going. How many days I can successfully get through as a survivor. So far so good. I'm still kicking.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 205
Nope, he's not in recovery. He's simply abstaining from using with no attempt to work on himself.
I would have to agree with those who suggested no contact. Like waitingforhope, my addict (BF) went into hiding a month ago so I was forced to go NC. At first it was devastating but now the thought of talking to him actually sends me into a tailspin. I don't want to erase all of the progress I have made over the last month!
I realize it's harder to keep NC when there are kids involved. Fortunately I am in a position where I can realistically never see or talk to my addict ever again. But your husband is obviously not interested in his family right now anyway. Until he truly commits himself to recovery and following a program, he will continue to manipulate you and you don't deserve that.
I would have to agree with those who suggested no contact. Like waitingforhope, my addict (BF) went into hiding a month ago so I was forced to go NC. At first it was devastating but now the thought of talking to him actually sends me into a tailspin. I don't want to erase all of the progress I have made over the last month!
I realize it's harder to keep NC when there are kids involved. Fortunately I am in a position where I can realistically never see or talk to my addict ever again. But your husband is obviously not interested in his family right now anyway. Until he truly commits himself to recovery and following a program, he will continue to manipulate you and you don't deserve that.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
Some one in recovery would pay child support (even in smaller instalments if they were struggling) not try to finagle $1500 out of you.
Someone in recovery shows up when they say they will or call if they are detained.
Someone in recovery acts like a responsible adult.
Someone in recovery shows up when they say they will or call if they are detained.
Someone in recovery acts like a responsible adult.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 56
Thank you all so much. This is exactly what I needed to hear. I do so well, but he can mess with my head so well! He knows me, and all my weaknesses, better then anyone else. We've been friends since high school, so... It makes it tough. I think you're right about the NC, although I feel bad with the holidays coming. No one really wants to be around him, even his own family told him flat out that he was not welcome on their holiday trip. I had told him that the boys and I would at least come see him on Christmas Day, but the way things are going, it sounds like it could be a disaster, and that's not fair to them.
Thank you all again. I really appreciate both the support and the advice.
Thank you all again. I really appreciate both the support and the advice.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: WI
Posts: 240
Don't hold onto guilt you don't own. He is a big boy who is going to have to learn not to lean on you. Nothing HE did was YOUR fault. Practice "that's not my problem, that's not my problem.........". If you keep listening to it, it's only going to emotionally drain you. Turn your ears off to it. If he starts up with the "whoa is me" stuff, conversation is done. Your time is valuable. To valuable to listen to him whine about having to lay in a bed he made for himself.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Calmwater - I'm both an addict in recovery, as well as a recovering codependent.
NO, he does not sound like he is in recovery, at least in my experience. I had to move back to my dad and stepmom's and I was grateful. I didn't like being accountable for every move I made, but I brought that on myself.
I never mentioned how hard it was for me...sheez, I had put them through hello!
Being in recovery means taking responsibility for your actions and doing your best to move forward in a good direction. It took me more time than I thought it would, but I did it. Coming up on 8 years clean.
Sounds to me he is still trying to manipulate you, all wrapped up in his pity party. Been there, done that, and relapsed. It wasn't until I took full responsibility for my actions and how they affected others that I found recovery.
I hope you keep reading and posting - this forum was a true lifesaver for me and still is.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
NO, he does not sound like he is in recovery, at least in my experience. I had to move back to my dad and stepmom's and I was grateful. I didn't like being accountable for every move I made, but I brought that on myself.
I never mentioned how hard it was for me...sheez, I had put them through hello!
Being in recovery means taking responsibility for your actions and doing your best to move forward in a good direction. It took me more time than I thought it would, but I did it. Coming up on 8 years clean.
Sounds to me he is still trying to manipulate you, all wrapped up in his pity party. Been there, done that, and relapsed. It wasn't until I took full responsibility for my actions and how they affected others that I found recovery.
I hope you keep reading and posting - this forum was a true lifesaver for me and still is.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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