Need
02.27.15 :): ▽VII△VIII
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: California
Posts: 2,802
Need
I grew up in an alcoholic home where emotional expression was not tolerated. My upbringing was quiet and tense as we tried to keep my fragile father from leaving us as he had the family before. We were entirely unequipped for some serious traumas we suffered, not to mention the day to day challenges everyone endures. Since childhood, I’ve searched for some way to fill the void created by emotional neglect.
I grew up in financial poverty as well as emotional poverty. Need abounded, and I learned to be desperately possessive of things. Now that I have the financial means, when I find a thing that works – a toothbrush I like, a pen that contours to my hand, a blouse well-tailored to my small frame – I buy as many as I can find. I have enough blank notebooks to write from now until the day I die, but I continue to buy them. I struggle to trust that when I come to need a thing, it will be available.
I’m like this with love. I’ve wondered how I’ll ever get enough love and support to make up for those lost years. I’ve viewed the problem as simply that of an empty vessel that needed to be filled. I’ve been frustrated and confused that no human relationship has ever been able to quench a lifetime of need.
Need to me probably seems more threatening than it really is. I have seen need balloon into desperation too many times, and satisfying it before it gets there seems a science I have neither the skill nor the tools for. Even when I figure out how to get what I need, I fear there will never be enough. It’s a lot like how I drink, actually.
But I’ve been going about this all wrong. There cannot be a change in the past. There must be a change in the process. I have to grow confident that I can identify what I need, express that need to the right people in a way they understand, and accept the help they can provide without fearing from the get-go that it will not be enough.
I grew up in financial poverty as well as emotional poverty. Need abounded, and I learned to be desperately possessive of things. Now that I have the financial means, when I find a thing that works – a toothbrush I like, a pen that contours to my hand, a blouse well-tailored to my small frame – I buy as many as I can find. I have enough blank notebooks to write from now until the day I die, but I continue to buy them. I struggle to trust that when I come to need a thing, it will be available.
I’m like this with love. I’ve wondered how I’ll ever get enough love and support to make up for those lost years. I’ve viewed the problem as simply that of an empty vessel that needed to be filled. I’ve been frustrated and confused that no human relationship has ever been able to quench a lifetime of need.
Need to me probably seems more threatening than it really is. I have seen need balloon into desperation too many times, and satisfying it before it gets there seems a science I have neither the skill nor the tools for. Even when I figure out how to get what I need, I fear there will never be enough. It’s a lot like how I drink, actually.
But I’ve been going about this all wrong. There cannot be a change in the past. There must be a change in the process. I have to grow confident that I can identify what I need, express that need to the right people in a way they understand, and accept the help they can provide without fearing from the get-go that it will not be enough.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 872
Briar, you seem very self-aware of your issues and there is no doubt in my mind you will be able to fix them. I have needed to work on issues of trust in the past. One thing that has helped me is practicing self-compassion.
A good quote on self-compassion that helped change my perspective:
“We are all made up of love. Our molecules are formed by love. We are love….We think of love as a stream of emotion flowing between two points – between us and whatever we love. But in fact, love is more like an ocean that’s inside and all around us. We walk around with little cups, begging for a few drops of love from others, when we’re the huge ocean of love….when you love yourself for no reason you stop being a “love beggar” and become a “love philanthropist”. Instead of looking at every interaction as a potential source of love – something to fill you up and make you feel good – you come to every interaction radiating love. You’re overflowing with love because you are the source. Having great relationships doesn’t depend on finding the right person or circumstance; it depends completely on your capacity to love. Unconditional love for others is based on “being the ocean of love”. Experiencing that you are love is the ultimate form of self-love. It’s not love of your small self- your personality. It’s not about loving yourself because you look good or did a great job or because you gained a certain status. It’s love of your big self – your essence. It’s the love that comes from waking up to who you truly are.” – Marci Shimoff
A good quote on self-compassion that helped change my perspective:
“We are all made up of love. Our molecules are formed by love. We are love….We think of love as a stream of emotion flowing between two points – between us and whatever we love. But in fact, love is more like an ocean that’s inside and all around us. We walk around with little cups, begging for a few drops of love from others, when we’re the huge ocean of love….when you love yourself for no reason you stop being a “love beggar” and become a “love philanthropist”. Instead of looking at every interaction as a potential source of love – something to fill you up and make you feel good – you come to every interaction radiating love. You’re overflowing with love because you are the source. Having great relationships doesn’t depend on finding the right person or circumstance; it depends completely on your capacity to love. Unconditional love for others is based on “being the ocean of love”. Experiencing that you are love is the ultimate form of self-love. It’s not love of your small self- your personality. It’s not about loving yourself because you look good or did a great job or because you gained a certain status. It’s love of your big self – your essence. It’s the love that comes from waking up to who you truly are.” – Marci Shimoff
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Briar, kudos to you for the honesty, self-awareness and -expression. I also liked your other thread from yesterday. I don't really have much to share about this topic from my personal life, but I know there are many people here who do and who relate to all this deeply. Many kindred spirits for you. Just wanted to show some appreciation.
Stay sober... try to do what you so desire about the abundance of love... about your recovery. Genuine love will follow, I promise
Stay sober... try to do what you so desire about the abundance of love... about your recovery. Genuine love will follow, I promise
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
Briar, your post shows that you are self-aware and that's great. Like you, I had a huge void that I felt could never be filled. It's so hard to accept that we simply need to love ourselves.
There are some great books on our list:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rituality.html
There are some great books on our list:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rituality.html
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