Need Help reconciling lack of libido in sober boyfriend

Old 11-23-2014, 08:42 AM
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Need Help reconciling lack of libido in sober boyfriend

This is my first post on this site. My boyfriend is a recovering alcoholic who has been clean for 9 months. Before getting clean, he was a VERY heavy drinker and had almost destroyed his body at the end. After going through detox and a residential treatment program, he is home and doing great. Although he isn't so confident to think it will always be this way, so far he has been lucky to not have alcohol cravings or the nightmares and anxiety that many others have reported. Overall he is calm and grateful and doing just fantastic. I am so, so proud of him. It's almost a miracle to me that he is doing so well so early.

However, I am so frustrated with his lack of libido. And I am frustrated with myself for being frustrated... I think I need some reassurance that it will get better and/or tips on how to best manage this from my end. Although he is very sweet and loves to cuddle, he has absolutely zero desire for sex, and he isn't remotely aroused by me (or anyone.) I am not trying to sound conceited, but I am an attractive woman, and in the past, we did have a remarkable chemistry, although about 3 months or so before he quit drinking, his desire ebbed substantially. I am trying so hard to be patient, and I'm not getting ready to leave him or anything, but the lack of chemistry and desire is heart breaking to me. I never realized how important that was until it was gone. I know logically that it isn't personal, but when I am standing naked in front of him, but that does nothing for him, it's nearly impossible not to take it personally. It makes me so sad, and I think part of me is terrified that he will never look at me the way that he used to. He promises me that he does find me attractive and there is no one on the planet he wants more, but he says his libido is just completely trashed and he just doesn't have that desire right now. It isn't even low libido - it's zero libido.

I want to support him and will continue to do so, and again, I am SO proud of him for getting clean and for doing so well. And I feel selfish to be so upset and worried about the libido. I don't know if anyone here has had something similar, but I would appreciate any thoughts you have. Both regarding how to handle the lack of sex drive as the partner of the recovering addict AND any thoughts on a time frame for when the sex drive normally returns. I just wonder if this is a normal part of the process. THANK YOU. And I hope I don't sound whiny or ungrateful... I wish the low libido didn't bother me so much, but I can't help that it does, so I wanted to reach out and see what others have experienced in this arena.
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Old 11-23-2014, 08:59 AM
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From what I understand, it's pretty common for guys (I can't speak for women because I haven't been in a relationship since I got sober). I think it's a combination of all the brain chemical changes that go along with sobriety, together with the fact that for a LOT of alcoholics, sober sex feels weird (like everything else does that we associate with drinking). He also might still be dealing with feelings of guilt about the past. So it isn't that unusual in early sobriety, but at 9 months sober it seems like there should be SOME improvement.

You sound very loving and patient, but you didn't sign on for a celibate marriage. Is he open to discussing it with a professional? A doctor or therapist?
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Old 11-23-2014, 09:10 AM
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Congrats to you on getting sober, and thanks for your reply, Lexie. He actually did go to the doctor, and they ran some tests to make sure his testosterone wasn't too low, but all of the tests came out normal. He is hoping it will resolve itself given time. I'm just wondering how much time it'll take and worried it just won't come back at all! It concerns me too that there isn't any improvement yet. I think it's also made a little worse for him because he's been under a lot of additional stress with trying to find a job. He found one recently, but it's very low pay, so he's just not exactly where he wants to be yet. So I wonder if that also slows down his libido.
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Old 11-23-2014, 09:29 AM
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It could also be something like low-grade depression. Lots of alcoholics are actually self-medicating (of course, alcohol is a depressant itself, so that doesn't work great). But the alcohol can mask the symptoms.

If he's willing to see a psychiatrist or a psychologist for an evaluation that might be a way to start sorting it out. He's a lot more likely to get an accurate evaluation/diagnosis without the alcohol messing with his thinking.
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Old 11-23-2014, 09:29 AM
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This might be a silly question but is he taking any medication? For cravings, depression, anxiety, other illnesses etc?

I had a friend who's AH was on meds and had no issue with sex when he was actively drinking, but then when he started recovery they were having similar issues with lack of sex drive. The meds ended up being the issue for his lack of sex drive even though they were never changed. Alcohol does weird things when you are on medication.
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Old 11-23-2014, 09:35 AM
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It could be low grade depression since I know he is under a lot of stress with the job search and everything, Lexie. His bills are pretty out of control, so I know that probably doesn't help either.

AW1111, He was taking anti-anxiety meds at first, which they prescribed him in treatment. We thought that might have been the problem, but he's been off of them now for several months so that's not the issue now.

I'm wondering if his brain chemistry is still just out of whack or something... I just don't know. He wants it to be fixed too. I'm glad he's aware it is a problem, but that still doesn't fix it.
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Old 11-23-2014, 09:48 AM
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Hi nxtjen

Good to see you here and thanks for your brave honest question

This is actually a spiritual problem that is coming out physically.

In the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous it says, "When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically."

So we recover from the inside out, and the spiritual work straightens out the mind, which then straightens out the physical symptoms.

In AA, the way the program is truly written, the 4th Step is done in 3 parts: Resentments, Fears, and Sex Conduct. (not just Resentments.)

That is a full inventory that covers all our problems and it cross-crosses all of humanism; nothing is left uncovered.

Of course Steps 1-3 have to be done first, and 5-12 afterwards.

During some point in Steps 4-12, the person's relationships really start straightening out, including their sex feelings & conduct.

We cannot force another human being to do this work. As a "double winner", I have done it myself and it's amazing. Many Alanons in my area use the BB now too for their steps process.

The relationships I know that are the most beautiful are when both people are doing that work. I have heard some of these folks say that when they were both through the Steps in this way, and working with others, their relationship was at it's very best.

I wish you the best on what I hope becomes a spiritual journey for you both.
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Old 11-23-2014, 09:51 AM
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I sort of get in trouble when I recommend reading some about some on This Topic in the sober men's forums, or women's, like on here -- so I will not suggest that.

But suffice it to say -- what you are describing is not uncommon.

In general, as a rule of thumb -- it takes about a year to "see" what came out of the oven after detox, rehab, and working (or not) a Program. Again, In general, after that becomes "What you see is what you get."

For some of us, that turns out to be a good thing. For others, not so much.

Your Mileage May Vary.

Not much you can do about that side (the A side of things). Per the AA Big Book -- A's work best with A's. And per our and Alanon observations -- The Friends and Families work best with the Friends and Family.

So WHAT can we do for YOU? (has NOTHING to do with HIM).

We tend to find we get better when we work on us.
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Old 11-23-2014, 09:56 AM
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Thank you. It is helpful to know that it isn't uncommon. A year seems reasonable to me, and we're already 3/4 of the way there. I'll continue being patient. Your comment, Hammer, about doing better when we work on ourselves is true. I need to remember that. I can't control his libido or lack there-of. And during his time of self-improvement, I can also probably be doing things to work on myself too.
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Old 11-23-2014, 10:56 AM
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You doing Alanon, the Steps, any/all of that?

Nothing bad if you are not, but that is a Real Serious FIX YOU UP thing, especially if you have an A in your life. Sex is generally discussed outside the meetings -- ideally with your sponsor (most likely a woman), and is part of the Steps process.

Sort of funny along this topic, some folks early on have mused if Alanon is like a Meat Market / Divorced Horny Folks thing or something. Not much so. Funny just thinking about it.

Most I have noted in 4 years of Alanon is a couple of boob hugs and one really whacked woman (video gamer addict's wife who had not gotten any in some months) who I am pretty sure wanted me to do her in the parking lot, after I mentioned that I really wanted to be a "Godly Husband" (and Godly Father, Godly Man, Godly Servant, etc.) I pretty much peed my pants and ran away.

But really, Alanon, or Celebrate Recovery (note that is NOT Celibate Recovery ) or other programs REALLY can help *us* get our minds right.
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Old 11-23-2014, 11:45 AM
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nxtjen....I have not had a partner who was alcoholic...but, as a medical professional, I have dealt with many alcoholics from detox to early recovery......
I can tell you that your "problem" is very, VERY common.
For men..the problem can be very glaring, because they can't fake a cure (so to speak).
In fact, it is so common that I had a urologist that I routinely referred these patients to. He was, as a urologist, trained to ferret out the physical as opposed to the psychological issues in low or absent libido. He and I also had a couple of therapists that we would refer patients to, if that ever seemed indicated.

I can tell you this much....it is a very complex issue. It isn't just so black and white: He is either turned on by me/ or he isn't-- and therefore, doesn't love me enough.
For men...the more pressure they feel to perform....the less likely it is to happen.

And, another thing...men are reluctant (in general) to talk about it. When I asked the male alcoholic how his sex life was going....he would mumble something about it being "fine". When I asked the wife about it..she would laugh and tell me it had been so long ago that she couldn't even remember...Lol!

I will make a suggestion: If he has not been seen by a urologist (very preferrably, male)...I would suggest that your husband go in and talk to one...if the situation goes on and he is concerned about it. This is a common issue that they see in their practice all the time.

I do understand your feelings about it. If the sex life is o.k.--it feels like about 10% of the relationship. The minute it is not o.k.--it feels like 90% of the relationship.

I would say this much to you....don't panic. It isn't about your attractiveness or desirability. Your husband is just now learning how to just navigate life from day to day. This is a delicate and complex issue that may take a while longer to be restored. You can always co nsult with the experts if you need to.

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Old 11-23-2014, 11:59 AM
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This is a tricky area in recovery IMO because intimacy in a relationship is a big avenue of communication and typically is a good marker for the health of the relationship. At some level, this is a couple project to re-establish or redefine this intimacy in sobriety.

Nxtjen, your partner is cuddling with you and was willing to go to MD to rule out physical issues. IMO that is very positive signs.

I hope things move forward for you two!
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Old 11-23-2014, 12:00 PM
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nxtjen....I would like to add one more thought....it isn't always just about "normal" testosterone levels. I have seen libido issues with those who have normal levels. Keeping in mind that there is a lot of leeway in what is considered normal.
Testosterone is important...of course....but it is only one factor involved.

A general medical doctor is not usually prepared--in terms of time or the special training to deal with libido issues...axcept to do a general testosterone level and refer to the proper individual (usually a urologist, first).

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Old 11-23-2014, 12:16 PM
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Originally Posted by CodeJob View Post
This is a tricky area in recovery IMO because intimacy in a relationship is a big avenue of communication and typically is a good marker for the health of the relationship. At some level, this is a couple project to re-establish or redefine this intimacy in sobriety.

Nxtjen, your partner is cuddling with you and was willing to go to MD to rule out physical issues. IMO that is very positive signs.

I hope things move forward for you two!
I agree. I don't think this is a "work on yourself" issue--not entirely, at least. Especially since he seems to want to regain that relationship with you. It is one of those things that, if both partners want it and it isn't happening for one or both of them, is worth working on together--and probably HAS to be worked on together.

JMO.
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Old 11-23-2014, 01:08 PM
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Thank you very much to all of you. And Dandylion, your comments made me take a deep breath. And the comment, "I do understand your feelings about it. If the sex life is o.k.--it feels like about 10% of the relationship. The minute it is not o.k.--it feels like 90% of the relationship." That is SOO true!!! If it were working or even kinda working I wouldn't be so obsessed with it, but since it isn't, I can't get it off of my mind. Which makes me feel like I am just going insane because I have zero power to fix it.

And Codejob, I appreciate what you said about it being a good sign that he IS cuddling and he did go to a general doctor. Once he has health insurance again, a visit to the urologist seems like the next step.

Thank you.
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Old 09-11-2018, 12:44 AM
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Hi,

The situation you were in sounds exactly where I am right now. Was wondering how it turned out for you. Please do reply and update if possible as I am feeling completely depressed about the situation as of now.

Thanks!
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Old 09-11-2018, 04:59 AM
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In recovery I found that I had a lot of issues related to intimacy and sex... sometimes libido issues, other times erectile dysfunction issues, other times inability to last a rewarding time before climax.....

It turns out that my issues with depression, anxiety and sexual anxiety over many years became something I ‘treated’ with drugs and alcohol.

Getting sober meant coming to terms with all that plus the damage I’d done to my mind and body.

Things are much better now but it took time, it took therapy and for me, eventually it also took a low dose medication to treat my depression which also became apparent was part of my struggles with sex.

Sexual drive is a complex symphony of things that are all impacted by addiction and recovery. It’s physical, emotional and biological all at once.

The best course is patience and understanding and encouragement to communicate and take steps to be well and balanced overall in recovery. Do those things and the sexual and intimacy side will find a new place of goodness and balance. Along the way, try being open about your own needs and desires and express willingness to find your needs filled in different ways. If he likes to cuddle and be close the chances are he loves you, wants intimacy, wants sex but is scared and anxious and conflicted by his body’s own lack of cooperation.....

There are other ways we can exchange intimacy and sexual pleasure apart from intercourse. Assure him you’re open to all of those, you love him and also that he’s not alone. This is totally normal in recovery and - frankly - in ANY relationship of any length there are times when one or both partners will experience sexual and intimacy challenges. We are humans, we are complex, we are not sexual robots.
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Old 09-11-2018, 08:41 AM
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Originally Posted by Karen191979 View Post
Hi,

The situation you were in sounds exactly where I am right now. Was wondering how it turned out for you. Please do reply and update if possible as I am feeling completely depressed about the situation as of now.

Thanks!
Hey Karen - this thread is about 4 yrs old & the original poster hasn't been active for quite some time, nor did she post much at all. t's very unlikely she'll come back to update at this point.

You might get more responses to your questions if you start a new thread & introduce yourself.

Welcome to SR!
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Old 09-11-2018, 11:01 AM
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Thanks Freeowl, your answer has been so different from anything anyone else has said and it seems to be what I too think he is going thru. The thing is I have been asking him to see a therapist and last time we spoke about this he said he would but I don’t think he is really inclined towards or really wants to (though he has seen therapists before) He is doing such a good thing by giving up substances but I worry if he will be able to sustain it without dealing with his issues and without external help. I have been feeling so fustrated about this that we often end up fighting, with me telling him that he really needs to figure himself out and see a therpist otherwise this won’t work. I also worry that is it really the best thing for him to be in a relationship at this point. He might be doing better without someone and their needs to worry about.
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Old 09-11-2018, 11:09 AM
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Originally Posted by FireSprite View Post
Hey Karen - this thread is about 4 yrs old & the original poster hasn't been active for quite some time, nor did she post much at all. t's very unlikely she'll come back to update at this point.

You might get more responses to your questions if you start a new thread & introduce yourself.


Welcome to SR!


Thank you and I that already did! I was just trying my luck and really hoping that The Original Poster had a happy ending. Needed some hope and a positive thought about this today.
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