killerinstinct

I'm evolving at a rapid rate which is wonderful, serenity is nice and learning to be whole is good for me.. However not only has it allowed me to keep a healthy distance from my past situation but now moving on I'm finding conflict arise between people I thought were my friends.. Ties are being severed with friends at a rapid rate it's insane, boundaries are going up quicker than ever.. What use to take me years I can do in minutes re situations and guarding my heart. I'm starting to feel very alone for working on myself ... Has anyone else experienced this... Im so depressed and shocked about this process.. I feel like my son and I are the only ones in my life now it so scary and has happened out of the blue.

Chillly

Specifics please?

killerinstinct

Friends bossing me around abusing me, putting my intelligence down, critiquing me, forcing me to change because I don't fit in with their version of Christianity, condemning me for not being like them... I've been like this my whole life it's just with my situation I've been forced to do something about it now I am and no ones happy about me standing up for my self so now I'm left with very few friends and I'm so scared.

honeypig

I understand. Man, do I understand. But please remember, you have a whole slew of online friends here. You are NOT alone.

It's terrifying to move ahead when you feel like it's all on you and you have no freaking idea how you'll make it all work out. I've felt a lot of the same feelings all this week myself, sleeping poorly, not eating, culminating in a complete meltdown at work w/one of my coworkers yesterday.

But you know what I forgot? It's NOT all on me. My HP, the Universe, God, whatever you call it, is there if only I think to turn it over. He/she/it/they have my back, and all I have to do is the next right thing, NOT figure out my whole life plan today.

You're scared and overwhelmed right now--well, of course, you've just realized that your entire world is changing and all you can see is the void that it will leave and not what will take its place. I read this some time ago on SR; maybe it will resonate w/you too: Recovery is being asked to give up everything you know to get something better that you don't understand yet.

((((Hugs)))), KI, and know that you'll be OK if you just keep on doing the next right thing that you can see to do. Wishing you strength and clarity.

soullong

(((((Killerinstinct))))) hugs! It takes so much courage to do what you are doing! There's that saying, "Courage is the ability to part with the familiar..." Reading about your progress made me realize i am working at a snail's pace...think i will try diving in! And i know how much better i have felt with the boundaries i have been able to set up. And thank you, Honeypig for your great post!

MissFixit

Oh man, I did the same thing. There are a bunch of people I was friends with for decades that I realized were not nice people, fair-weather friends, shallow, opportunists. There was a mourning period where I missed those relationships, but after coming out the other side of the break up and subsequent therapy from ex, I have no desire to subject myself to unhealthy people.

FWIW, I think really healthy people do not become or stay friends with folks like that, it just took us longer to realize what was going on.

dandylion

Killerinstinct....I know what you are talking about! I think you are in that weird-feeling, surreal kind of in-between place.

This is temporary, though. As time moves forward, you will gradually replace the old with new. You will develop a new normal that you will feel comfortable with.

Don't listen to the turtles. Just know that they are expecting the old you and are thrown for a loop because you don't behave exactly as they are expecting.
You now know that you have to live up to YOUR expectations...not theirs.

There is a new sheriff in town. They can like it or lump it....that is their problem--not yours.

Along the way, I have had to leave a lot of so-called friends behind. I had to do what was necessary for me.

Just have faith and keep facing forward. It will all fall into place!

Now, I am going to make a cup of tea and toast the new sheriff!!

dandylion

Eauchiche

Your thread is very timely. I have been thinking about this same issue. Here are the facts:
1. My separated Alcoholic mate regularly threatened me with divorce (at the time I thought he was just kidding- he was probably serious.) He called me stupid and criticized my musical talent as "funereal."
2. A group of my "friends" voted me off the board of the local Organist Guild chapter while I was away doing volunteer work for Catholic Radio.
3. Before I switched to Catholicism, I was thrown out of an Anglican church. When I asked the pastor why, he told me I hadn't done anything to deserve it.
4. My mate's family used to be very loving towards me. Now they are very strange. I guess I have done a horrible thing to suggest to my mate that he is killing himself!

I have also noticed the following:
1. I get hugged every day by a co-worker, customer or a friend at church.
2. I have a tidy home to go to after work every day.
3. My family and I are re-connecting.
4. I have a great job. They love me.
5. My talents are coming back, little by little, in a nurturing environment.
6. I have a network of supportive friends at AlAnon
7. I am sober and am not just waiting to die.
8. Most of all, my God stands by me. All my trust is in Him.

You've just helped me compile my list for Thanksgiving Day this coming Thursday.

Katchie

I have not experienced this yet, but I haven't left my AH -- yet -- either, but Bless your heart, those are not friends and you probably needed to find that out. Do you remember the story of Job? His friends were less than friends too. God will bless you with better friends in the future.
Look at all you have accomplished so far. Rest in that peace and forget what anyone else says, like Job should have done, because the only thing important at this moment is you and your son.

Hammer

mkay, KI -- since you have a Christian bias (me, too) HERE is how the "Pro(s)" handle this >>>

=====================

[Whole Story, here >>> http://biblehub.com/2_kings/6.htm]

15 When the servant of the man of God got up and went out early the next morning, an army with horses and chariots had surrounded the city. "Oh no, my lord! What shall we do?" the servant asked.

16"Don't be afraid," the prophet answered. "Those who are with us are more than those who are with them."

17 And Elisha prayed, "Open his eyes, LORD, so that he may see." Then the LORD opened the servant's eyes, and he looked and saw the hills full of horses and chariots of fire all around Elisha.

18 As the enemy came down toward him, Elisha prayed to the LORD, "Strike this army with blindness." So he struck them with blindness, as Elisha had asked.

19 Elisha told them, "This is not the road and this is not the city. Follow me, and I will lead you to the man you are looking for." And he led them to Samaria.

20 After they entered the city, Elisha said, "LORD, open the eyes of these men so they can see." Then the LORD opened their eyes and they looked, and there they were, inside Samaria.

21 When the king of Israel saw them, he asked Elisha, "Shall I kill them, my father? Shall I kill them?"

22 "Do not kill them," he answered. "Would you kill those you have captured with your own sword or bow? Set food and water before them so that they may eat and drink and then go back to their master."

23 So he prepared a great feast for them, and after they had finished eating and drinking, he sent them away, and they returned to their master. So the bands from Aram stopped raiding Israel's territory.

============

Not saying it is time to start doing Great Feasts, but it sound like time you should maybe start seeing some of the Angels?

--------------------------

Pray along, if you would like . . . I have an inside source at the Agency.


. . . . .

Dear God,

Please open Your servants' eyes, that we may see the Angels.

Amen.

gleefan

I can relate to what you're going through. As I came out of the fog and realized that my relationship behaviors had been based in self loathing rather than love, I shedded many of my friends, and quickly and effortlessly avoided pitfalls of the past. While I was relieved to be free of the former constraints, I was alone and often felt lonely.

I muddled through the loneliness with meetings and online support. In time, with my compass oriented towards gratitude, peace, love and joy, my life is slowly but surely refilling with people and activities that are so much richer than I ever imagined. It's not happening fast enough for my preference - I always wanted my results yesterday - but it's happening.

Interesting story. I'm having kind of an emotionally challenging afternoon and feel kind of lonely. Yet I have chosen to spend it online, alone - instead of with someone whose company I shed early in recovery. I know that an hour on SR is going to fill me up but an hour with her will tear me down.

Hang in there. We're in this together!

NWGRITS

I got focused on what I was losing when I started to change. Looking back now, I can say with all honesty to think of all you are GAINING. Healthy attracts healthy. You will make new, healthier, happier, genuine friends. It may not happen today, but learning to be content alone with ourselves is a huge step forward in recovery. (((Hugs)))

killerinstinct

I'm so scared it gets really tough emotionally speaking when finances aren't great, work environment isn't great, court coming up.. Always arguing with my family because I work with them .. No friends now really only three left.. Now no church because that's where the friends were.. Moving home because I can't afford the rent.. Well this has to be my rock bottom.. Now the only other thing that could make this feeling worse is death of a loved one or getting cancer/disease then I've really seen it all... and have experienced it all.. I fear those things too.. I hope they don't happen.. Oh great someone just hit my car whilst it was parked and drove off ... I hate my life... I hate myself.. I hate all of this. I want to die.. I wish I didn't have a son to take care of... Then I could just runaway and not have these problems .. It's all too much universe.. It's all too much .. Years and years of suffering when will it end.

LexieCat

I'm sorry things feel so awful for you right now, killer.

I've made some really good, supportive friends in Al-Anon. They "got it" and we did a lot of social things together, too.

I think I had to hit an emotional bottom before things got better for me when I was still dealing with my alcoholic relationships.

Hugs,

ShootingStar1

Killerinstinct, you sound like you may be deep in depression. If this is so, seeing a doctor for medication and a psychiatrist/psychologist who is trained in DV may be a Godsend.

You don't need to suffer with this much anxiety, sadness and grief. There is help out there for you.

ShootingStar1

iamthird

Killer,

It does seem awful with no end in sight. I understand when it rains, it pours. I just want you to stop where you stand and think of 3 things to be grateful for. I am sure that you can. And if only those 3 things, please focus on those things.

2 Thanksgivings ago I thought I was going to die of cancer. I didnt. I am here today. Although my taste isnt back and I cant eat all the holiday foods, I am here. I experienced hearing loss from chemo. I cannot hear very well but I still can see my children.

If you can hear and taste you are already better off than me!

My point is, please do not let things overwhelm you. It is very painful. I have been there but sometimes all we can do is hang on and hold tight! Work on the things you can control in your day.

Yes when a relationship ends your social circles may change. If people are turning their backs on you consider it a blessing. You dont need them. We will be here for you! You are not alone....

Hangnbyathread

+1000. This right here is all you need to go forward with knowing KI.

Trust me, you will find a better class of people, because you are becoming a better class of person. Liken it to moving into a new state, with a new job. You will learn to find others like you and they will find that you are like them and that will be your foothold into your new life.

LifeRecovery

It took me hitting my bottom to get better. Though it sounds pretty awful the place you are in I started to get better when I felt so stuck that I did not see another way out but up through the muck.

I found that similar behaviors/attitudes that got me into and stuck in my relationship with a problem drinker were similar to what I did with friends.....and I was in a similar pickle for a long time.

Besides Al-Anon I had a group I called Team J (my name begins with J). In addition to me it was my therapist, my marriage counselor, my body worker and my dog trainer. They also had names that began with J and for the first 12-18 months after it all hit the fan it was the only thing I could do to not fall apart. They helped me to find my footing so I could spread my wings.

KI what kind of support do you have. These seems like a pretty dark spot for you. I could not get out myself and needed support and I don't know what you have in place for you?

killerinstinct

I'm on harder antidepressants now which is helping loads, and I have plenty to be grateful for so yes I shouldn't forget that the bulk of my health is intact, I can see, walk, smell and breathe. My real support I guess is my doctor, my social worker, the police, my therapist.. and my SOBER RECOVERY friends who speak to me when I rant on and I am down. I consider you all the positive voices in my head.