Thatdeliveryguy

Mental illness, I battle it daily. I can go from zero to crazy in minutes, antipsychotic medication can help, anti depressants, anxiolytics those medications are my life, without them I am standing guard at the door and waiting for them to come get me!

I fought it for much of my life, I pretended nothing was happening I discounted what I was thinking, I racked it up to being normal. Then I realized, real, absolutley tangible voice i could really here. They told me bad thngs, my food was poison that I could control the universe, then the TV talked to me, then I began to look for signs. I knew if I could find the right sign it would answer everyone's problems. I was the omnipotent control of the universe and held it all in my hands.

Disturbing I am sure, how do you rectify those views and place them in your own reality. I am not sure it can be done, lest you hear things or think things that aren't real. I did for a long time, I got good at holding two conversation at once the one in my head and reality.

How does this play into addiction, well as things got worse i poured alcohol on it all, I didn't want the stress of the " universe on my shoulders" I rejected help, I didn't want help, I didn't need help. I mean really I was totally capable and the things that happened were real.

I wasn't delusional the world was blind, and I had all the answers. The walls, silence,the tv, my friends, family didn't matter there was a deeper meaning and I had to find it.

I descended into delsusion did drugs and alcohol and gambled to make it go away, it never went away, my problems got worse and the b" voices got louder" the drum was beating but I was out of tune.

Its quite the cross to bear, mental illness is both scary and uncontrollable, you feel lost and like a god. The signs are so clear, and you drink and drink and drink and gamble to make it go away, but it doesn't you begin to believe you're own delusion disjointed reality. Scarey very scary and alll the while you drink or drug or both to make it stop......

Nothing stopped for me without medication, I descended in to absolute insanity and it cost me everything, but know if you're hearing things or feel like someone is going to get you or the TV, Radio whatever talks to you, or are looking for signs.... Get help my friend get help, you can silence the most evil and insidious thoughts, they aren't real, they won't be real, and neither alcohol, drugs or ignoring them is going to make them go away. Only medication will, so for the mentally ill alcoholic or gambling addict this is TDG's hope for you, there is a brighter future, and the pain and confusion can stop.


Good night my friends, just some insight into a scary world, if that world exist for you get help or PM me and I will tell you how to get help.

Thatdeliveryguy

Oh and don't ever, ever laugh at or make fun of people you presume to be " crazy" they are people. Most of them care greatly for all of us, but have delusions, you don't have to subscribe, but never judge a book by is cover. Many of them are highly intelligent caring people that have an illness they can't control. I am medicated without medicatio9n could be one of them....Alcohol was my reprieve.

MythOfSisyphus

I hope things are well, TDG. It must be extra hard to deal with that on top of drinking. Hopefully the therapy is helping.

Dee74

I have no experience with schizophrenia but I really believe you can manage it just as we manage recovery Jeremy.

A little hard work, a little following orders and a little self care goes a long way.

I really think you'll be ok

D

AdmimalBlueEyes

Reality is subjective , I'm bipolar
my brother is schizophranic , I've talked to him when he was off his meds, one day he went into great detail about how his apartment was bugged , I'm sure it wasn't , but he was sure it was , anyways I asked him what individual could gain something by tracking his movements , and if his apartment was infact bugged how did he know that it wasn't done for benevolent reasons,

That was a ways back when we could still talk about logic and what not, now he's convinced that I've stolen millions from him and I've become his pariah, he's become so mean towards me that I've let him go,

Soberwolf

Night J tomorrow is a new day

Keep with the Outpatients why not print a few of your threads off to take and show how much your trying ? explain that your willing to do inpatient and just explain your a bit scared about it all

You deserve to be sober jeremy

RobbyRobot

Hi again Jeremy. I can easily understand your entire above post as related to my own experiences with schizophrenia while drinking. I wonder if you've ever been sober enough to distinguish from your mental illness state and your state of alcoholism? For me, differences did exist.

When one cannot in schizophrenia distinguish adequate functional reality from free imagination, things can become quite grim. Being honest with oneself isn't really a decisive tool to help make such distinctions, imo. I do have first hand experience that belief and commitment to a practical sober lifestyle is a powerful tool for such distinctions. As well, personal ongoing self-examination and self-awareness of one's emotional health and ability to satisfy practical desires is uber important too.

I don't expect a lot of the members here have direct experience with schizophrenia. I do believe many can relate though with their own experiences of delusional thinking from their own alcoholism or whatever they may want to call the source of such delusions. With schizophrenia, its not so much about general episodic one-night stands with delusion, its also about a prevalent undercurrent of delusional thinking patterns respective to each person personally as well as being episodic, imo.

I understand by way of experience the voices, the talking TV's and radios, the mind-reading, the telekinesis powers, the prophetic powers, the fears, the angers, the doubts, the frozen-with-indecision, the martyr, the GOD-ego, and on and on and whatever. I've successfully dealt with all such surreal absurdities. You can too, Jeremy. You'll never, I repeat never, have sustained success against your schizophrenia while drinking, imo.

I've followed your threads. It is my suggestion you need to separate your choices between treating your alcoholism and your schizophrenia. Your episodic drinking binges are keeping you FUBAR and greatly reducing the effectiveness of any medication and therapy you might take to help with your mental illness.

Its a bit chicken and egg dilemma, yeah? Mental illness drives you to drink, and drink supercharges your mental illness. Been there myself. As said in other posts, residential rehab with a supervised detox was my only option for lasting practical success. I got to say though, I suffered a lot in my detox. Nothing pretty or easy about it whatsoever. It really took everything I had to not pickup that drink in my first 30 days or so, you know? Of course though since I didn't pickup, eventually things became much clearer, more sensible, more practical, and so on.

I'm not you, Jeremy. Even though I can relate to your experiences doesn't mean I have the answers for you. I will state for the record though, and I don't know if you'll agree, but what you're going thru isn't unique although its certainly not generalized throughout the addictive populations.

Anyways, I just wanted you to know its very doable to stop drinking, stay sober, deal with your mental illness, and have a successful life full of opportunities to be healthy, happy, and secure.