if i know it's been this miserable why do i want a beer
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 7
if i know it's been this miserable why do i want a beer
i'm on day 5 not drinking, so the sickening hangover is gone...and actually i've slept well the last few nights. i think i got lucky - the daytime anxiety eased up by day 3...i think it came from having a horribly guilty conscience, knowing i was deciding every day to go for 'just one more day' of drinking and doing nothing.
i could never leave the house until mid-afternoon, and i'd started not being able to leave the house at all in the last week or two. i'd sit frozen in place all day, knowing all the crap i had hanging over me, but not able to do anything but sit and drink beer and read for distraction. the last week i was drinking i couldn't even make the half-block run to the store for beer and cigarettes, not even using a walker. had to beg or pay my neighbor to go for me. couldn't make myself get into the shower or change clothes.
i actually thought i was being smart this time, not drinking the kamchatka dilute vodka anymore, switching to...2 six packs a day of 16 oz. ice beer. yeah, right. i ended up almost as sick on that as i had the vodka.
...and i know all this, and i'm feeling SO much better, no nightmares, no panic attacks, no shaking and coughing and gagging in the morning. starting to clean up the mess my house got into. so...why did i just look at the weather report, see it was still 52 outside, and think - boy, some beer would be really nice. i deserve it, i deserve to relax and joke around online with my friends. to feel that warm feeling when it hits my stomach.
not currently going to AA - i don't drive, and don't have bus money...and i'm leaving it that way on purpose so i don't have the option of going to the circleK. BUT - i really get 'sick and tired of being sick and tired' and 'cunning, baffling and powerful' on a gut level.
glad this site exists, and hello, you guys. thanks for being here.
i could never leave the house until mid-afternoon, and i'd started not being able to leave the house at all in the last week or two. i'd sit frozen in place all day, knowing all the crap i had hanging over me, but not able to do anything but sit and drink beer and read for distraction. the last week i was drinking i couldn't even make the half-block run to the store for beer and cigarettes, not even using a walker. had to beg or pay my neighbor to go for me. couldn't make myself get into the shower or change clothes.
i actually thought i was being smart this time, not drinking the kamchatka dilute vodka anymore, switching to...2 six packs a day of 16 oz. ice beer. yeah, right. i ended up almost as sick on that as i had the vodka.
...and i know all this, and i'm feeling SO much better, no nightmares, no panic attacks, no shaking and coughing and gagging in the morning. starting to clean up the mess my house got into. so...why did i just look at the weather report, see it was still 52 outside, and think - boy, some beer would be really nice. i deserve it, i deserve to relax and joke around online with my friends. to feel that warm feeling when it hits my stomach.
not currently going to AA - i don't drive, and don't have bus money...and i'm leaving it that way on purpose so i don't have the option of going to the circleK. BUT - i really get 'sick and tired of being sick and tired' and 'cunning, baffling and powerful' on a gut level.
glad this site exists, and hello, you guys. thanks for being here.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 987
It WILL get better, pinkcrayon. You want alcohol despite all the other horrible things that happen when you drink because you're addicted to it. The body may be through the rough patch but the mind takes awhile to retrain. But it is completely retrainable and as Marcher says, every day you put between you and that bottle, the better it gets. It's not easy, but it is totally doable and when I think now (21 months) of how I put myself through that every day, physically and mentally, I can truly see it for the insanity it was. Who poisons themselves on a daily basis? Who suffers through relentless panic and anxiety attacks brought on by alcohol or the lack thereof? By choice?
We do. But we don't have to anymore. You're doing awesome. Hang in there.
We do. But we don't have to anymore. You're doing awesome. Hang in there.
Life is an unlikely miracle.
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: England
Posts: 1,859
Hi Pink Crayon, you're doing great. Well done on five days sober !
Give it another week or so, you're body is getting used to being clean.
That voice telling you that it would be nice to have a beer is your addiction talking, just like Ptcaote said.
There are other recovery programs besides AA, and it sounds like you've made your mind up not to go, but then if you are trying to avoid circlek ,you would have money to spend there, so you could spend that money on the bus fare to AA ?
It might be an option if you feel the need for some f to f.
Just a thought.
Give it another week or so, you're body is getting used to being clean.
That voice telling you that it would be nice to have a beer is your addiction talking, just like Ptcaote said.
There are other recovery programs besides AA, and it sounds like you've made your mind up not to go, but then if you are trying to avoid circlek ,you would have money to spend there, so you could spend that money on the bus fare to AA ?
It might be an option if you feel the need for some f to f.
Just a thought.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
Addiction has no logic, really Pink.
It's good you came here to talk about it and rat that feeling out. Stay with it...you're on the right road...it gets better
congrats on day 5 - and welcome!
It's good you came here to talk about it and rat that feeling out. Stay with it...you're on the right road...it gets better
congrats on day 5 - and welcome!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
If you want to check out an AA meeting in the future, you can call the local AA phone number and someone will give you a ride. That is a volunteer service people in AA can do to help you. For that matter, someone will talk to you on the phone if you just want to talk.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,837
Keep going!!!
I can relate, I still make it to school and work, but barely. I used to be a person who loved walks, going to the river, looking at stars or reading under a tree.
Lately I've become a person who wasn't showering, I have long beautiful hair I wasn't brushing, took me 30 mins the other day to get the knots out ( was just putting it up)
Not doing my laundry, nor cooking and I love cooking.
Mostly just sitting and binge drinking, then spending the next day in bed, until I had to do something so I don't become homeless, then coming back to bed. It's horrible.
You're not alone! Keep going
Im on day 1
I can relate, I still make it to school and work, but barely. I used to be a person who loved walks, going to the river, looking at stars or reading under a tree.
Lately I've become a person who wasn't showering, I have long beautiful hair I wasn't brushing, took me 30 mins the other day to get the knots out ( was just putting it up)
Not doing my laundry, nor cooking and I love cooking.
Mostly just sitting and binge drinking, then spending the next day in bed, until I had to do something so I don't become homeless, then coming back to bed. It's horrible.
You're not alone! Keep going
Im on day 1
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