I'm still here
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
I'm still here
Have not been on here for some time. But I cannot even express how much this site helped me. And it is still helping.
As you all know, things tend to get worse as you detach. Especially if the relationship is abusive. I was not absent and stopped writing because of another honeymoon phase but because I realized that repeating same things over and over again has no effect. You have to act. No words. Just do it. And your AH is probably going to become unbearable.
Last week, I got some bad news from home. My aunt, mom's sister, died. She died of cancer, just like my mom did. Have you ever felt the pain that makes you numb in the end? I was not able to visit her. I was not able to attend the funeral because I had no money for a plane ticket. And my AH? You know, the weirdest thing, I knew precisely how he was going to act. He gave me a break for two days. You would not believe how insensitive that human being is. Absolutely no empathy. Are you allowed to be sad around your alcoholics? Because, sometimes I feel I am not allowed to have feelings. Of course you are not allowed to have feelings about his drinking, but I cannot be happy, or sad anymore. About anything!
However, our little family dynamics has changed. Thanks to a little puppy, believe it or not. My AH would never admit it, but he hates the situation. (1) I guess I am not emotionally and physically available for his stupidity 24/7. (2) Thanks to puppy's potty training and frequent walks, I have actually started meeting people. I have met more neighbors/people this month who wanted to talk to me than in six years living on this continent. So, bye bye isolation. And all it took was a cute puppy.
I often ask myself, why do I feel so inhibited to reach out and find a professional? It almost feels as if I am paralyzed or something. But how can you make such a huge step when you basically do not even have one normal relationship in your life anymore? Why do codependents leave everyone else and focus on this one person who does not deserve us?
And I might be codependent, but my self-confidence has been crushed. All I get now is nagging and put downs. And I am really staying out of his way.
As you all know, things tend to get worse as you detach. Especially if the relationship is abusive. I was not absent and stopped writing because of another honeymoon phase but because I realized that repeating same things over and over again has no effect. You have to act. No words. Just do it. And your AH is probably going to become unbearable.
Last week, I got some bad news from home. My aunt, mom's sister, died. She died of cancer, just like my mom did. Have you ever felt the pain that makes you numb in the end? I was not able to visit her. I was not able to attend the funeral because I had no money for a plane ticket. And my AH? You know, the weirdest thing, I knew precisely how he was going to act. He gave me a break for two days. You would not believe how insensitive that human being is. Absolutely no empathy. Are you allowed to be sad around your alcoholics? Because, sometimes I feel I am not allowed to have feelings. Of course you are not allowed to have feelings about his drinking, but I cannot be happy, or sad anymore. About anything!
However, our little family dynamics has changed. Thanks to a little puppy, believe it or not. My AH would never admit it, but he hates the situation. (1) I guess I am not emotionally and physically available for his stupidity 24/7. (2) Thanks to puppy's potty training and frequent walks, I have actually started meeting people. I have met more neighbors/people this month who wanted to talk to me than in six years living on this continent. So, bye bye isolation. And all it took was a cute puppy.
I often ask myself, why do I feel so inhibited to reach out and find a professional? It almost feels as if I am paralyzed or something. But how can you make such a huge step when you basically do not even have one normal relationship in your life anymore? Why do codependents leave everyone else and focus on this one person who does not deserve us?
And I might be codependent, but my self-confidence has been crushed. All I get now is nagging and put downs. And I am really staying out of his way.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
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sometimes I feel I am not allowed to have feelings.
I wasn't allowed to be angry, because I had no reason (see above). I was not allowed to be happy without him asking if I was ^$%&ing another man. Etc. I didn't even realize how abusive and soul-destroying it was.
If he was not the center of attention, he made sure he became the center of attention. (unfortunately, one of my kids learned that behavior).
I don't know why you don't reach out for help -- but I know I didn't because I was ashamed. I was ashamed that I was married to and stayed married to an abusive alcoholic. Al-Anon got me out of that feeling...
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Sorry things are still so sucky at home, and for the loss of your aunt, but YAY on the puppy!
Stick around here, too. Maybe that puppy will inspire you to work a little harder to free yourself.
Hugs,
Stick around here, too. Maybe that puppy will inspire you to work a little harder to free yourself.
Hugs,
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Join Date: Jun 2010
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Originally Posted by lillamy 
If he was not the center of attention, he made sure he became the center of attention. (unfortunately, one of my kids learned that behavior).
All in all, I do not feel so crushed anymore by his words. So that is good. And that puppy is my little sunshine and my little pal. Little poopster who stole my heart.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 598
I was never allowed to have feelings. when both of my parents died within 2 years of each other I was told to get over it and quit using the dead parent card . No empathy whatsoever. Sorry about your Aunt. Sending hugs-
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Join Date: May 2013
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Major yay on the puppy, they are great isolation busters.
For a while I was attending some addiction education meetings at a local rehab center. The counselor was teaching about the family system and that "the alcoholic (or addict) becomes the most important person in the family." That means no, you don't get to have feelings. Not only does the A come first, they don't know what to do with your feelings, let alone their own.
You know how people say fight or flight? I've heard "freeze" is another possibility. "Paralyzed" reminded me of that. But you're breaking out of isolation and that may help you unfreeze! One day at a time...You said it yourself early on in your post, when you detach it seems to get worse. So even if you stay out of his way - or especially - he will try to bait you with the nagging and put downs. Quack quack is what I say.
Originally Posted by healthyagain
It almost feels as if I am paralyzed or something....
And I might be codependent, but my self-confidence has been crushed. All I get now is nagging and put downs. And I am really staying out of his way.
And I might be codependent, but my self-confidence has been crushed. All I get now is nagging and put downs. And I am really staying out of his way.
You know how people say fight or flight? I've heard "freeze" is another possibility. "Paralyzed" reminded me of that. But you're breaking out of isolation and that may help you unfreeze! One day at a time...You said it yourself early on in your post, when you detach it seems to get worse. So even if you stay out of his way - or especially - he will try to bait you with the nagging and put downs. Quack quack is what I say.
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You would think that there is at least one thing that would make him act like an adult, you would think that death and dying is something that he would not mess with. I was only sad and mourning as any other human being would. I never expected that he would stop drinking, only that he would leave me alone. I expected that he would lower his expectations and let me deal with my own emotions to which I am entitled to. But it is always "me, me, me." Half of the time there are things he wants me and expects me to do the way he wants, but he is never capable of telling me what do I do so wrong so he is so unhappy (of course, my dish washing skills are hideous, i never dry the dishes properly, and something is probably wrong with my doggy too).
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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healthyagain....you asked the question about why you feel so inhibited about reaching out to a professional for help......
Look at it this way....a professional is, essentially, "a helping friend along the way".
Who, in the world, doesn't need the support and encouragement and help in their times of difficulty!
A professional is dedicated, ethically, to be on "your side". People who do this work,,in general....tend to be very empathetic and caring.
Think about it...you have lived for years under the foot of a critical alcoholic....and, it sounds, like a very Narcissistic Personality, to boot! You have been able to at least survive the abuse and psychological "beat-downs". And, you are so strong that you are still alive!
Compare this to having one confidential, warm and sympathetic person to share your feelings and thoughts. Someone who cares and to whom YOU MATTER.
Really, how bad can that be...LOL!
I sincerely encourage you to seek out a female psychologist who is old enough to have had a lot of experience and just talk to her.
It sure couldn't hurt. It it probable will represent the biggest step to reclaiming your soul that you have ever made.
Think about it. With an open mind...consider this a good idea for, at least, 72 hours.
very sincerely,
dandylion
Look at it this way....a professional is, essentially, "a helping friend along the way".
Who, in the world, doesn't need the support and encouragement and help in their times of difficulty!
A professional is dedicated, ethically, to be on "your side". People who do this work,,in general....tend to be very empathetic and caring.
Think about it...you have lived for years under the foot of a critical alcoholic....and, it sounds, like a very Narcissistic Personality, to boot! You have been able to at least survive the abuse and psychological "beat-downs". And, you are so strong that you are still alive!
Compare this to having one confidential, warm and sympathetic person to share your feelings and thoughts. Someone who cares and to whom YOU MATTER.
Really, how bad can that be...LOL!
I sincerely encourage you to seek out a female psychologist who is old enough to have had a lot of experience and just talk to her.
It sure couldn't hurt. It it probable will represent the biggest step to reclaiming your soul that you have ever made.
Think about it. With an open mind...consider this a good idea for, at least, 72 hours.
very sincerely,
dandylion
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
I'll have to do it. I decided to do two things this week:
1) Consult an attorney
2) Look for a health professional
I did open my very own bank account thanks to the support from here.
We do fight, we do argue, but the difference is, I do not say things to humiliate him or hurt him or manipulate him. When I say, we need to work on us or separate, because I cannot take it anymore, I mean it. His answer is, "you are ruining my weekend"??? WEEKEND? Seriously? All he cares about is the next 24 hours? I know...quacking.
I told him we will be separating, but he does not take anything I say seriously! I tell him I do not want a joint health insurance policy and that I am going to delete the application, and he tells me I sound like his mom/sister. He tells me he never allowed me to apply for both of us in the first place (such a lie because we went to apply together and there is a person who helped us with the application last year). Bunch of quacking!
So tomorrow, my next baby step is talking to an attorney. Money is very tight right now, but at least I'll be able to plan my next step.
1) Consult an attorney
2) Look for a health professional
I did open my very own bank account thanks to the support from here.
We do fight, we do argue, but the difference is, I do not say things to humiliate him or hurt him or manipulate him. When I say, we need to work on us or separate, because I cannot take it anymore, I mean it. His answer is, "you are ruining my weekend"??? WEEKEND? Seriously? All he cares about is the next 24 hours? I know...quacking.
I told him we will be separating, but he does not take anything I say seriously! I tell him I do not want a joint health insurance policy and that I am going to delete the application, and he tells me I sound like his mom/sister. He tells me he never allowed me to apply for both of us in the first place (such a lie because we went to apply together and there is a person who helped us with the application last year). Bunch of quacking!
So tomorrow, my next baby step is talking to an attorney. Money is very tight right now, but at least I'll be able to plan my next step.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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healthyagain....wow. I do believe that you are serious....because you seem willing to take actual, concrete steps. Willing to take action...even tough you feel "nervous" about it.
Congratulations....because there is a saying that you will hear a lot: "Nothing changes if nothing changes".
dandylion
Congratulations....because there is a saying that you will hear a lot: "Nothing changes if nothing changes".
dandylion
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Wow, that puppy must be SuperDog.
Sounds like a great plan--for right now, keeping everything as separate as you can is a good idea. The lawyer you consult (GREAT move) will be able to make further suggestions.
If he learns that you really are taking some steps, be prepared for some backlash. He might get uglier (please be careful) or he may suddenly become "Mister Attentive" and make a bunch of promises. It seems to go one way or the other, and when one tactic doesn't work, the next one may be trotted out.
Hugs, proud of you!!
Sounds like a great plan--for right now, keeping everything as separate as you can is a good idea. The lawyer you consult (GREAT move) will be able to make further suggestions.
If he learns that you really are taking some steps, be prepared for some backlash. He might get uglier (please be careful) or he may suddenly become "Mister Attentive" and make a bunch of promises. It seems to go one way or the other, and when one tactic doesn't work, the next one may be trotted out.
Hugs, proud of you!!
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
Fear is what was inhibiting me. But it is ironic that the fear of him is what makes me act this way. It is not that he is insensitive. It is that I knew he would be like that. Have things been so bad that you could predict what would his next insult be?
Now about the situation at home. My puppy is all over the place. He is adorable and like a bouncing ball. We walk and we learn tricks and we are both "socializing." He is a shelter dog. My AH is still in his bedroom. He will have to start taking care of his own problems. I do expect things to get worse. That is why I want to reach out because he is using my situation and isolation, and he is not taking me seriously. How I feel right now does not have to do anything with his drinking. He can stop. I'll still contact an attorney. He will not know about my attorney. Not till its time.
Now about the situation at home. My puppy is all over the place. He is adorable and like a bouncing ball. We walk and we learn tricks and we are both "socializing." He is a shelter dog. My AH is still in his bedroom. He will have to start taking care of his own problems. I do expect things to get worse. That is why I want to reach out because he is using my situation and isolation, and he is not taking me seriously. How I feel right now does not have to do anything with his drinking. He can stop. I'll still contact an attorney. He will not know about my attorney. Not till its time.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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Just one other suggestion--SOMETIMES abusers will take it out on pets--especially ones that they know are special to you. Just in case you need to leave quickly, make a plan to keep your puppy safe. If you have to leave for a while, unexpectedly (just looking at worst-case scenarios here)--say to go to a shelter or something, is there someone who could care for the puppy temporarily?
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I expected that he would take it out on the puppy, who was called "your f****** dog" last evening. AH would never really physically hurt him, but he will say anything to hurt me. Including calling the dog stupid. If I have to leave, the dog is coming with me. This was planned before I adopted him.
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