How do you approach this?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Oceanside CA
Posts: 14
How do you approach this?
Hello everyone,
I haven't been on here in a long time. I found myself down and suddenly remembered how much this place helped me previously.
I've been Married for 13 years. I am an Active Duty Marine and have been for 13 years as well. We have 2 children. My wife is an Alcoholic. Over the last 4 years my wife has had many ups and downs. We have had lots of problems because of her addiction. It obviously affects the whole family.
All the details are not important. What has happened is already done. My main reason for this post is I believe that I am finally done. I've tried so hard. She's been to multiple inpatient and outpatient treatment programs. She's completed a 6 month program and stayed sober for just over a year at best. However, it keeps happening. She has returned to inpatient treatment again after this last incident. I don't know how to tell someone that I love they are not allowed back in the home. I'm tired of worrying and stressing. I'm tried of fearing for her safety. I'm tired of protecting her from herself.
Anyone with similar circumstances or advice on their experiences would be greatly appreciated. Thank you very much!
I haven't been on here in a long time. I found myself down and suddenly remembered how much this place helped me previously.
I've been Married for 13 years. I am an Active Duty Marine and have been for 13 years as well. We have 2 children. My wife is an Alcoholic. Over the last 4 years my wife has had many ups and downs. We have had lots of problems because of her addiction. It obviously affects the whole family.
All the details are not important. What has happened is already done. My main reason for this post is I believe that I am finally done. I've tried so hard. She's been to multiple inpatient and outpatient treatment programs. She's completed a 6 month program and stayed sober for just over a year at best. However, it keeps happening. She has returned to inpatient treatment again after this last incident. I don't know how to tell someone that I love they are not allowed back in the home. I'm tired of worrying and stressing. I'm tried of fearing for her safety. I'm tired of protecting her from herself.
Anyone with similar circumstances or advice on their experiences would be greatly appreciated. Thank you very much!
Last edited by FaithfulHusband; 11-22-2014 at 01:05 PM. Reason: Mistakes
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
I am sorry you are going through this.
You certainly have put in your time and given her many chances. Her choice to not save herself is unfortunate, but it is (as you know) up to her. Since you have 2 kids and yourself to take care, I would focus on what is in the children's best interest and most healthy for them and you, which is not living with active addiction.
Good Luck
You certainly have put in your time and given her many chances. Her choice to not save herself is unfortunate, but it is (as you know) up to her. Since you have 2 kids and yourself to take care, I would focus on what is in the children's best interest and most healthy for them and you, which is not living with active addiction.
Good Luck
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
This isn't an easy situation. She's an A and you're probably deployable. That was the situation when my dad divorced my mother. He was deployable (paratrooper) and she was an actively drinking A. He didn't have a family network for support, though. Do you have family that would be able to care for the children in the event that you have to leave? Or are you considering taking an early retirement at 14 or 15 years? I absolutely feel for you and for your kids. In the early 80s there was no way a father was getting custody of his kids, but you might have a good chance. Just focus on doing what's best for them.
Semper Fi.
Semper Fi.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, Faithful,
I'm sorry, too, that you are in this difficult position. I think it would help for you to give her this news as soon as possible, so the staff at the rehab can help her to process it and to help her plan for discharge to somewhere other than your home.
Have you talked with a lawyer yet? That might be wise, just so you can find out your rights in terms of staying in the house (and preventing her from coming back home to live), as well as issues regarding the children.
It sounds to me as if you've been extremely patient and given her many chances. Hopefully, this time she will stay sober for her own sake and for her kids.
Are you going to Al-Anon? That could be a big help to you, and depending on the age of your kids, Alateen might help them understand what's going on. Hope you will stick around here, too.
Hugs,
I'm sorry, too, that you are in this difficult position. I think it would help for you to give her this news as soon as possible, so the staff at the rehab can help her to process it and to help her plan for discharge to somewhere other than your home.
Have you talked with a lawyer yet? That might be wise, just so you can find out your rights in terms of staying in the house (and preventing her from coming back home to live), as well as issues regarding the children.
It sounds to me as if you've been extremely patient and given her many chances. Hopefully, this time she will stay sober for her own sake and for her kids.
Are you going to Al-Anon? That could be a big help to you, and depending on the age of your kids, Alateen might help them understand what's going on. Hope you will stick around here, too.
Hugs,
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 154
I'm so sorry. Setting the boundary that she is not welcome back is a tough one. The obvious reason for detaching from her and setting the boundary that she is no longer welcome in your home is a safety one: you and your kids suffer from living in a household with an active A. The other part of setting boundaries is about tuning into the respect you feel you deserve. Think of what your life's happiness is worth and how her addiction is threatening that. Then think about the amount of disrespect that shows to you. Then decide that you are worth more than that. Channelling into that entitlement for health and happiness will help you start to break away from her destructiveness.
Good luck to you both during this latest stay inpatient. You can't be sure of what will come of it, so maybe just focus on making the changes to your life that you would anticipate making once she is removed more permanently? Think of it as a test run. And see how that feels to you.
Good luck to you both during this latest stay inpatient. You can't be sure of what will come of it, so maybe just focus on making the changes to your life that you would anticipate making once she is removed more permanently? Think of it as a test run. And see how that feels to you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
I am thinking of my late parents. My father was a sex addict. My mother found out about multiple affairs after 30 years of marriage.
My Dad was in recovery the last 10 years or so of his life, but never made amends to his family for all the damage he inflicted on us. My mother died at 71, a few years after he passed away. We kids all feel that her demise was untimely and brought on by stress from him. In spite of his recovery efforts, we all believe my Mom would have been better off without him.
She told him to leave at a point. He broke down in tears on her floor and she let him stay.
As painful as it is to leave the love of your life, sometimes we are better off. Hang in there. We are here for you.
My Dad was in recovery the last 10 years or so of his life, but never made amends to his family for all the damage he inflicted on us. My mother died at 71, a few years after he passed away. We kids all feel that her demise was untimely and brought on by stress from him. In spite of his recovery efforts, we all believe my Mom would have been better off without him.
She told him to leave at a point. He broke down in tears on her floor and she let him stay.
As painful as it is to leave the love of your life, sometimes we are better off. Hang in there. We are here for you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 765
Hi Faithful
I don't know the whole history but for me, I detach with love.
I love them by detaching and I don't do it with anger. I know they are sick. I love them from a distance.
All the rest is in God's hands. It is a journey. Step by step, day by day things will be revealed - with the support of a program of recovery myself.
Blessings
WMJ
I don't know the whole history but for me, I detach with love.
I love them by detaching and I don't do it with anger. I know they are sick. I love them from a distance.
All the rest is in God's hands. It is a journey. Step by step, day by day things will be revealed - with the support of a program of recovery myself.
Blessings
WMJ
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Hello FaithfulH,
If she is currently sober, I'd just straight up tell her. I'd also inform the facility she is at that home is no longer an option.
It sounds like you are done, so tell your truth. Then follow through with what needs to happen promptly.
Glad you recalled SR. Welcome back!
If she is currently sober, I'd just straight up tell her. I'd also inform the facility she is at that home is no longer an option.
It sounds like you are done, so tell your truth. Then follow through with what needs to happen promptly.
Glad you recalled SR. Welcome back!
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