aztecprincess

So, I've been looking through old posts from people who have been in my hard to fit shoes. I'm doing this sobriety thing with my boyfriend of 11 years, who is finding it hard to keep up with me. Today is my 24th day sober. To make a long story short, me and my bf met while we were heavy drinkers, used other drugs recreationally til heroin. We've been high on something the entire time together. We've been heroin addicts for 10 of those 11 yrs toghether. We've been through so much but we love each other very much. We're what some people call "functioning addicts" cause, unlike most, we have a nice apartment, we work, we have never done anything illegal to get high. On the outside, you wouldn't know unless you were a user yourself, making the recovery process even more of a challenge since we both know we can live this way without really hurting anyone except for ourselves.
We've tried to kick our addiction several times in several programs. People at recovery programs, counselors and many well known websites tell me how challenging it is to be in this situation. That addict couples have a lot more issues working against them since no two people are ever on the same page when it comes to when and how to get on/stay on the road to recovery. Some have even told me this is impossible. On Oct. 28th I woke up and decided to quit on my own. My bf followed 2 weeks later after a lot of coaxing on my end. Although he was struggling the first week, he seemed to really want it too. We argue less, he is happier and more social, the way he was before heroin (and me too). Yesterday he said it was "good to feel like a human being again." But today he gave up, I think. We had a tough week of working long hours (we run a small business). One pushy client pushed my bf over the edge to the point that he said he couldn't take it anymore. That he was going to call our dealer to "just get one bag" and just cause he uses today doesn't mean he's giving up. I jumped out of the car and stormed off to the train to go home. I cried the entire way home. I sent him a text that read " I'm glad that being sober and being loved by me means so very little to you- at least I know now, right?"
Looking back, it was a pretty sh**ty thing to say. I shouldn't have said that cause I'm pretty sure that all it did was help him justify him using, that my love is only given as a condition of him staying clean which is not what I meant. I don't know whether or not he went to score or not as he has not come home yet. I don't know what I;m supposed to do now when he comes home. I'm not mad, just sad. I don't want to argue or accuse. Should I even ask if he did? I can track his phone if I wanted. Should I?
The worst part about all this is that I'm on my own. I've managed to hide my addiction from my entire family and the few friends I've managed to hold onto. No one knows I'm in recovery so you guys are my only outlet. Although I've been in recovery programs before, this is my first real whole-hearted effort to kick my addiction. I'm truly scared of f***ing this up and really afraid that if I don't succeed now I never will. Please help me. I can't cry anymore and have no where else to turn.

Dee74

I think it's a challenge sure, but it's doable. You'll see many such stories here

Supports very important - if there's none coming from your partner that's regretable but there's many other avenues of support - this site and many others, recovery groups of all kinds, counselling...

It's important not to tie your recovery to someone else's I think. This needs to be a personal individual journey for so many reasons.

I hope your bf will decide to stay on his personal journey too

D

OklaBH

Welcome! Sounds like you are determined. So, don't let him steer you off that path.

luvmygirls

Congratulations on your sobriety! This is a challenging problem indeed, because your lives are so intertwined with the business and the long-term nature of your relationship, so his choices affect you in many ways. I hope that he decides to quit along with you, but even if he doesn't, the important thing is that you're committed, which it sounds like you are.

BarbieKen

Yes you can. My husband will have 9 years in a couple weeks. I celebratd 2 years a couple weeks ago. We've been married 26 years, and have always been each others drinkng/using buddy. We both have gotten sober and continue our sobriety via being active members in A.A. And C.A.
Bobbi

advbike

My ex gf drank wine every night, and after I quit drinking I found it really hard to be around it, in fact for several years prior, her drinking would trigger me and I would relapse after some days or weeks of sobriety. It wouldn't be so bad except that her personality also changes, and I couldn't deal with it.

We would probably still be together if I kept drinking, but my sobriety and personal growth were too important to me so I left, and moved away. I'm dating someone now who occasionally has a glass of wine but not regularly, and it's not a problem for me at all.

aztecprincess

To Barbieken- Thank u so so much for reaching out. It's a relief to know that it can happen and actually hearing back from someone who is living proof after hearing the opposite from so many others. You're so lucky to have each other- i'm going to use your story as an example of what can be achieved. I often feel like it's my fault cuz I'm the one who started us down this path as I introduced it to him, not the other way around. This brings me much guilt. I love him and want this to work. I am glad that you shared with me, it gives me some hope that this can work out in the end. THANK U!!!

BarbieKen

Aztecprincess , I really hope that you guys can make it work. I don't know how my husband stuck it out with me, but I do know he never gave up on us. We both have meetings on our own ( I'm home full time, so I like Noon meetings). HE enjoys his HG meeting on Friday nights, and a guys Stag Meeting on Wednesday. Together we attend weekend mornings. Yes, our lives have come to be about socializing with friends in AA/CA. Before we hung out with friends who drank like we did. For us being active in our Recovery is a big, really big part of our new relationship. Too many things to write about, but I just know I love him so much.....he's a awesome hubby & Dad sober! Just don't get too far ahead of yourself ... one foot in front of the other works really well for me.
Bobbi

Ruby2

You can make it work but it isn't going to be easy. My husband is an alcoholic/addict (crack) and I'm an alcoholic. We have gone back and forth on getting sober for ten years now with one of us being sober while the other one isn't. Right now I have two weeks shy of a year and he was right behind me but slipped on Monday.

When I read your post one thing stood out to me. The text you sent. I've sent boatloads of those. Some even meaner. None of them made any difference. My husband loves me but to an addict the high is all consuming and more important. Your partner will show up at some point. In the meantime, take care of yourself. Don't let his using be an excuse for you to go out there yourself. My husband used to look for all sorts of reasons, a bad day, annoying people, I wasn't treating him right, the weather was nice, it was bad, etc. then he would take off for a day, or overnight, or a couple of days.

When I quit last December 1, it was really hard to stick with it. But I did. I came on here a lot. I went to AA meetings. I had had enough of the life I, and we, were living. I really wanted it this time.

Just because the time is right for you to quit doesn't mean it is for your partner. You can't make him want to quit and his love for you cannot be measured by him quitting or his efforts. You cannot control his progress. This is about you at this point. You are in chicago. There are a zillion AA meetings, meetings for addiction, treatment, support groups. If you don't have support with your family and friends, please try one of these options. You may find it isn't for you, but you may.

Good luck. I know. I really do.