Wrestling with tough love, boundaries, and fear of death
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 341
Wrestling with tough love, boundaries, and fear of death
I know intellectually I need my AS to hit his own bottom and suffer consequences of his choices, but it's still tearing me up.
My 27 yr old AS, heroin addict, left rehab after 2 months over not giving up his phone. He used that day and has been using all week. 5 days since he left and is back to using.
He chose homelessness and drugs over a warm bed and support in rehab! I'm trying to not stand in the way of his bottom, but having a hard time with his sleeping in streets at night. He's guilt tripped me about how he thought his family would be there for him since he did complete 2 months clean ina program and I feel he deserves credit for that. He's also bewildered that he had to leave over a phone, not drugs, but doesn't see his part in the choice he made given the ultimatum of give up the phone or leave.
I let him sleep in my car last 2 nights, but don't want to continue, especially if he's using and has no intention of stopping.
I have met him to give chg of clothes.I know the last 2 times he contacted me is an excuse to see about staying in the car. I told him I would consider it only if he takes positive steps toward getting his life on track, making calls, taking initiative to solve things, rather than expecting a solution to be handed to him.
I definitely don't want to cripple him by enabling, but do feel badly. However, he made a choice and he should deal with the consequences.
I'm inclined to not let him stay in car tonight (rain predicted) and let him tough it out in streets, but I worry he'll lose everything out there, again, and worse, would try to or would overdose, especially since he's been clean 2 months.
Is letting him stay in the car, but cutting other things off and still making him deal with stuff and inconveniences of homelessness, enabling? I feel better knowing he's alive and ok in the morning, but don't want to prolong his using or get in the way of his bottom.
He could have gone to the Salvation Army tomorrow, but would have to test clean. He says he doesn't want to go there, despite the alternatives.
Please help. I know much intellectually, but need feedback, please!
Thank you.
My 27 yr old AS, heroin addict, left rehab after 2 months over not giving up his phone. He used that day and has been using all week. 5 days since he left and is back to using.
He chose homelessness and drugs over a warm bed and support in rehab! I'm trying to not stand in the way of his bottom, but having a hard time with his sleeping in streets at night. He's guilt tripped me about how he thought his family would be there for him since he did complete 2 months clean ina program and I feel he deserves credit for that. He's also bewildered that he had to leave over a phone, not drugs, but doesn't see his part in the choice he made given the ultimatum of give up the phone or leave.
I let him sleep in my car last 2 nights, but don't want to continue, especially if he's using and has no intention of stopping.
I have met him to give chg of clothes.I know the last 2 times he contacted me is an excuse to see about staying in the car. I told him I would consider it only if he takes positive steps toward getting his life on track, making calls, taking initiative to solve things, rather than expecting a solution to be handed to him.
I definitely don't want to cripple him by enabling, but do feel badly. However, he made a choice and he should deal with the consequences.
I'm inclined to not let him stay in car tonight (rain predicted) and let him tough it out in streets, but I worry he'll lose everything out there, again, and worse, would try to or would overdose, especially since he's been clean 2 months.
Is letting him stay in the car, but cutting other things off and still making him deal with stuff and inconveniences of homelessness, enabling? I feel better knowing he's alive and ok in the morning, but don't want to prolong his using or get in the way of his bottom.
He could have gone to the Salvation Army tomorrow, but would have to test clean. He says he doesn't want to go there, despite the alternatives.
Please help. I know much intellectually, but need feedback, please!
Thank you.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,868
Oh, vaya...((((HUGS)))). Your post just makes me feel so sad. I can only imagine the heartbreak you are going through. Our children, our babies that we raised and remember as innocent little children are now almost people we don't recognize. I am so sorry you are in this position.
He could straighten himself out enough to go to the Salvation Army, but he doesn't want to. That tells me he hasn't reached the point where he's willing to do whatever it takes. I know how that breaks your heart, but he does have choices. He just doesn't like the choices he has.
Sometimes life is just that way. All our choices seem like the lesser of evils, but if he ever hopes to have a chance at a normal life, he is going to have to make some difficult decisions.
As hard as it is to say no, you wouldn't be doing him any real favors if you soften his fall.
He could straighten himself out enough to go to the Salvation Army, but he doesn't want to. That tells me he hasn't reached the point where he's willing to do whatever it takes. I know how that breaks your heart, but he does have choices. He just doesn't like the choices he has.
Sometimes life is just that way. All our choices seem like the lesser of evils, but if he ever hopes to have a chance at a normal life, he is going to have to make some difficult decisions.
As hard as it is to say no, you wouldn't be doing him any real favors if you soften his fall.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
vaya, My son left a wonderful rehab 10 days after spending 5 months in jail! I had bought him plenty of clothes and supplies for his attended stay, all gone in the streets. If your son is not ready, he is not ready. i feel your pain. It is very hard to imagine their lives on the streets, however, THEY do not feel that same disgust. He may already have connections that enable him and the car is a luxury. It is very hard, but you HAVE to state your boundaries. whatever the issue with the phone is, it is usually due to the addict using it unwisely. My son called his "girlfriend" when in detox and she brought in crystal meth which caused him to **** dirty. So goes. Of course, this came out after his attempts at devious lying to the rehab personnel didnt fly. they know how to survive. read my posts when my son was incognito for 4 months, they figure things out. Your love and support if he is active in addiction don't solve any of the problems. Our Mother's love is an enabling factor. I know, I did it for many years. Here is the hardest part: letting go. Letting the consequences happen. Letting them learn.
Hugs from a Momma who has been there.
TT
Hugs from a Momma who has been there.
TT
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 205
I'm so sorry. I don't know how you parents do it but I admire your strength.
Sadly, I think you have to let him suffer the consequences of his actions, even if that means homelessness. Addicts are resourceful people. I mean look at how manipulative they are, they know how to get by. I feel like anything you provide him with right now, besides an offer to drop him at detox or rehab, is enabling him.
Sadly, I think you have to let him suffer the consequences of his actions, even if that means homelessness. Addicts are resourceful people. I mean look at how manipulative they are, they know how to get by. I feel like anything you provide him with right now, besides an offer to drop him at detox or rehab, is enabling him.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
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Thank you everyone so much! I go outside and see how cold it is and come back in. We do live in Southern CA s(about 54degrees tonight) so at least it's not Buffalo NY right now!
I did offer him his jacket this morning, but he didn't want it. I'm sure he's planning to ask me for it tonight so he can work meinto staying in the car. He also wants his other phone he initially gave up when he checked in....there will always be something he needs, especially when nightfall comes!
I will take him downtown to the rehab early in the am if he wants referrals or other help. He knows he can get a free bed in the dorm in one of the other programs if he's not ready for rehab. He was told he had a spot at Salvation Army tomorrow, but doesn't want it. Weekend it coming....
I am holding $175 of his money and he will ask me for it. I'm inclined to not give him all of it so he won't OD. He wanted $25 of it today, which I gave him, since it is his money. any suggestions about that?
Oh how I get so sucked up into his addiction!
I did offer him his jacket this morning, but he didn't want it. I'm sure he's planning to ask me for it tonight so he can work meinto staying in the car. He also wants his other phone he initially gave up when he checked in....there will always be something he needs, especially when nightfall comes!
I will take him downtown to the rehab early in the am if he wants referrals or other help. He knows he can get a free bed in the dorm in one of the other programs if he's not ready for rehab. He was told he had a spot at Salvation Army tomorrow, but doesn't want it. Weekend it coming....
I am holding $175 of his money and he will ask me for it. I'm inclined to not give him all of it so he won't OD. He wanted $25 of it today, which I gave him, since it is his money. any suggestions about that?
Oh how I get so sucked up into his addiction!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Hello dear, If you want to let him feel the full consequences, you have to give him his money. the alternativei is you are "doling out" the doses. You should not have to be his banker when he has some good choices to his dilemna.
Hugs
TT
Hugs
TT
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 205
My ex did that when I found out he was using and kicked him out. He had the nerve to ask me for the money he put in a savings account for the both of us. Of course he had the nerve, he was on drugs. Anyway, I was reluctant too but I gave it to him. It wasn't my money, he wasn't my problem anymore, and I didn't want him coming back asking for it again.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 341
Thank you all for responding. It really helps.
My biggest fear is if I cut off all/most contact and give him his money he will use it to go all out. I don't want to be in the position of doling out his doses, but I am afraid of what he might do, homeless again, desperate, and with money in his pocket.
He is depressed, clinically, and needs mental health services. That combined with his addiction, denial, and anger does scare me.
I know I can't live his life for him, nor should I or can I control it. But, I also think I'm being prudent on other levels, especially considering his drug of choice. (Back to my original fear that keeps me connected.)
My biggest fear is if I cut off all/most contact and give him his money he will use it to go all out. I don't want to be in the position of doling out his doses, but I am afraid of what he might do, homeless again, desperate, and with money in his pocket.
He is depressed, clinically, and needs mental health services. That combined with his addiction, denial, and anger does scare me.
I know I can't live his life for him, nor should I or can I control it. But, I also think I'm being prudent on other levels, especially considering his drug of choice. (Back to my original fear that keeps me connected.)
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Join Date: Jun 2010
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I will process all you have had to say and I do appreciate it. My AS is not ready and went to the rehab to please me in hopes of getting to live with me again, although he knew it wasn't possible or going to happed. Before he went there he was at a bottom and had no other choices. he is in such denial and continues to blame everyone else. It is hard for me to detach with love lately. I'm trying to be encouraging, but also blunt and realistic about the truth of his situation.
I pray I can detach with love. I pray he makes healthy choices to effect a more positive present and future.
I pray I can detach with love. I pray he makes healthy choices to effect a more positive present and future.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Your story makes me recall so much of the same with my own son. I know your pain and how hard it is to just let them go. He knows where help is and it is always there for him. The Salvation Army rehab is free and they will arrange for you to go to detox for 3 days if you aren't clean going in. This just gives the addict time to stabilize and have medical attention if there are withdrawal issues.
If you are uncomfortable giving him the money, then don't. Call it rent for using your car that will be refunded when he has 6 months clean. Just because they get angry or play the guilt card, doesn't mean we have to compromise what we feel is right just to appease them...when they only want the money for drugs.
I cannot tell you what to do, that's something you will have to find for yourself when the time is right. But please be careful not to put your own life on hold while trying to save his....we do not have the power over life and death and thinking we do can bring a decline in own health.
My prayers go out for both of you.
Hugs
If you are uncomfortable giving him the money, then don't. Call it rent for using your car that will be refunded when he has 6 months clean. Just because they get angry or play the guilt card, doesn't mean we have to compromise what we feel is right just to appease them...when they only want the money for drugs.
I cannot tell you what to do, that's something you will have to find for yourself when the time is right. But please be careful not to put your own life on hold while trying to save his....we do not have the power over life and death and thinking we do can bring a decline in own health.
My prayers go out for both of you.
Hugs
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: WI
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Vaya are you going to Nar-Anon? I hope you are. I think you need some help with detaching. I very much see in you the struggle to let go and still hang on, trying to keep some control over this. That's not to put you down. It's comes from loving your AS and fear you'll lose him, the best of reasons to try and maintain some amount of control and our sanity over this but causes us enablers to suffer desperately with them.
My best advise to you as far as are you enabling him? Don't do one helping thing for him except maybe drive him to rehab and help get him checked in. That's it. Nothing else. Give him his money and let the cards fall where they will.
Your terms are he must go and complete rehab. There will be no money, food, shelter, driving around, etc....... in the meantime. EVER.
And in the meantime, what are you going to do to nurture yourself and help yourself let go? This is the hard part. This is the part I'm posting all over the place here that I'm working on too. I'm getting better at it though. You will too. I promise you if you do the hard work and allow it, that you can stop obsessing about your addict.
Your best of intentions is hurting you. Your loving heart is hurting you. You have no power to heal him what so ever. The best thing you can do for both him and yourself, is let him fall. Fall so far and so hard that he makes a choice to do something about it. Make your choice to do whatever self care is necessary to help you deal with what he is doing to himself. Your not responsible for his choices or for him.
My best advise to you as far as are you enabling him? Don't do one helping thing for him except maybe drive him to rehab and help get him checked in. That's it. Nothing else. Give him his money and let the cards fall where they will.
Your terms are he must go and complete rehab. There will be no money, food, shelter, driving around, etc....... in the meantime. EVER.
And in the meantime, what are you going to do to nurture yourself and help yourself let go? This is the hard part. This is the part I'm posting all over the place here that I'm working on too. I'm getting better at it though. You will too. I promise you if you do the hard work and allow it, that you can stop obsessing about your addict.
Your best of intentions is hurting you. Your loving heart is hurting you. You have no power to heal him what so ever. The best thing you can do for both him and yourself, is let him fall. Fall so far and so hard that he makes a choice to do something about it. Make your choice to do whatever self care is necessary to help you deal with what he is doing to himself. Your not responsible for his choices or for him.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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He's guilt tripped me about how he thought his family would be there for him since he did complete 2 months clean ina program and I feel he deserves credit for that
lot of manipulation is this statement. WHY do others OWE him for him staying in rehab for two months? he then got kicked OUT of same rehab because he refused to....GIVE UP A PHONE. knowing the consequences ahead of time, knowing that getting the phone was against the rules, HE DID IT ANYWAY.
and the minute he got out, he went right back to old tricks. not seeing the "Go You" part here. again i'm an impartial observer.
IMO, letting him sleep in your car sets a bad precedent. it's still MOM taking care of him, so that he doesn't have to figure out how to take care of himself. his main concern isn't how to quit, how to get his life on track, it's about using and getting his OTHER PHONE back. sorry, but he's not on the verge of a breakthru here. you offered a coat, he said no. you mentioned rehab again, he said not interested.
it's tough, but it's time you let him live this out as HE sees fit. not as you want this to work out. he's on his way to THIRTY, he's not a 13 yr old runaway. he's an adult, making choices, even if they are extremely poor ones. he knows how to get help ALL ON HIS OWN, if he wants it. you do not need to keep trying to facilitate.
my daughter is 31, lives on her own, doing well....and i STILL can't PROTECT her or keep her alive and well anymore than you can your son. i can't force her to do certain things with her life, or make different decisions, or make sure she always wears her seatbelt. i can't prevent the brakes from going out on her car, or the tree falling into her apartment, or make her stop drinking straight sugared soda. i know it's hell having a child of any age dealing with addiction, but it doesn't change the ground rules.
lot of manipulation is this statement. WHY do others OWE him for him staying in rehab for two months? he then got kicked OUT of same rehab because he refused to....GIVE UP A PHONE. knowing the consequences ahead of time, knowing that getting the phone was against the rules, HE DID IT ANYWAY.
and the minute he got out, he went right back to old tricks. not seeing the "Go You" part here. again i'm an impartial observer.
IMO, letting him sleep in your car sets a bad precedent. it's still MOM taking care of him, so that he doesn't have to figure out how to take care of himself. his main concern isn't how to quit, how to get his life on track, it's about using and getting his OTHER PHONE back. sorry, but he's not on the verge of a breakthru here. you offered a coat, he said no. you mentioned rehab again, he said not interested.
it's tough, but it's time you let him live this out as HE sees fit. not as you want this to work out. he's on his way to THIRTY, he's not a 13 yr old runaway. he's an adult, making choices, even if they are extremely poor ones. he knows how to get help ALL ON HIS OWN, if he wants it. you do not need to keep trying to facilitate.
my daughter is 31, lives on her own, doing well....and i STILL can't PROTECT her or keep her alive and well anymore than you can your son. i can't force her to do certain things with her life, or make different decisions, or make sure she always wears her seatbelt. i can't prevent the brakes from going out on her car, or the tree falling into her apartment, or make her stop drinking straight sugared soda. i know it's hell having a child of any age dealing with addiction, but it doesn't change the ground rules.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
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I really appreciate all you have to say here. It does make sense and I appreciate how you said it with compassion and understanding of my pain. I've been holding onto the hope that he'd see the light and come to his senses this week. But not its the weekend and I doubt he did a damn thing about getting a bed or help. I did email him some more info I found, including a place for dual diagnosis clients in crisis, but he's not doing the footwork.
I can't nag, scold, encourage or anything and I cant' make him do what is good for him or what I think is good for him. I was praying a miracle would happen this week, but now must contend with the reality. It's been really hard at work because I miss seeing him sober and smiling. It had been so long since I saw that side of him for whatever brief moment, albeit his RID in the 2nd month.
I am completely a wreck! It was draining and frustrating trying to maintain boundaries when he was there, but not turn my back on him. now it was hard the 1st few days not seeing him there and having so many clients ask about him and offer me kind and realistic words, from an addicts point of view. They know enabling will not help him. They've been great.
I feel I've been mirroring my AS's anger. Going through stages of loss....now in anger and pain. I've been angry at the place and wanting to blame them, but I know I'm wrong. I made a stupid email comment today that could have gotten me in serious trouble. I'm just reacting and not thinking and need to regain my professional composure.
Right now the reality about him is hitting me and Iknow I have to let go.I'm so sad and crying. He was there and present for a brief period and now it's so horrible because he's gone again....lost in demon drugs, driven by nothing else but that, trying to blame others and use his situation, that he brought on himself, as an excuse to use.
Tonight I'm finally able to have a good cry and feel the pain of the loss of what I got to see briefly again. I've been having to keep a stiff upper lip at work, although I so wanted some closure from them for me or acknowledgement, rather than pretend nothing happened. I've kept the news from my younger son, who still lives with me, because I don't want to break his heart either. he was hopeful too. So I've had to keep it in all week and carry on.
It is not good for my recovery to be around him now. I am angry, sad, and frustrated. It is too painful and it interferes with my serenity and life.
The realization hurts a lot, but I truly know there's nothing more I can do for him, unless he wants a ride to seek help or rehab. Believe me, I've tried everything. Tonight I will not make contact. I may not even answer the phone. I will stick to my word about no more sleeping in the car. if it's easier to do that and not answer the phone, then that's what I'll have to do.
I'll have my good cry and get it out of my system, post here, and reach out to my support group. (it's not Naranon, but it is a 12 step program like alanon, called Families Anonymous. I love it and went this week. I may go to alanon this week or early next too. I just hate the timers at Al anon. It stresses me out to feel pressured to share in a 3 minute time limit.
Sorry to ramble, but there's so much coming out of me know.....and I have to share it here.
I really, really do appreciate you all responding and sharing. I can't believe I actually got more than 2 responses this time! it really helps. Thank you.
I can't nag, scold, encourage or anything and I cant' make him do what is good for him or what I think is good for him. I was praying a miracle would happen this week, but now must contend with the reality. It's been really hard at work because I miss seeing him sober and smiling. It had been so long since I saw that side of him for whatever brief moment, albeit his RID in the 2nd month.
I am completely a wreck! It was draining and frustrating trying to maintain boundaries when he was there, but not turn my back on him. now it was hard the 1st few days not seeing him there and having so many clients ask about him and offer me kind and realistic words, from an addicts point of view. They know enabling will not help him. They've been great.
I feel I've been mirroring my AS's anger. Going through stages of loss....now in anger and pain. I've been angry at the place and wanting to blame them, but I know I'm wrong. I made a stupid email comment today that could have gotten me in serious trouble. I'm just reacting and not thinking and need to regain my professional composure.
Right now the reality about him is hitting me and Iknow I have to let go.I'm so sad and crying. He was there and present for a brief period and now it's so horrible because he's gone again....lost in demon drugs, driven by nothing else but that, trying to blame others and use his situation, that he brought on himself, as an excuse to use.
Tonight I'm finally able to have a good cry and feel the pain of the loss of what I got to see briefly again. I've been having to keep a stiff upper lip at work, although I so wanted some closure from them for me or acknowledgement, rather than pretend nothing happened. I've kept the news from my younger son, who still lives with me, because I don't want to break his heart either. he was hopeful too. So I've had to keep it in all week and carry on.
It is not good for my recovery to be around him now. I am angry, sad, and frustrated. It is too painful and it interferes with my serenity and life.
The realization hurts a lot, but I truly know there's nothing more I can do for him, unless he wants a ride to seek help or rehab. Believe me, I've tried everything. Tonight I will not make contact. I may not even answer the phone. I will stick to my word about no more sleeping in the car. if it's easier to do that and not answer the phone, then that's what I'll have to do.
I'll have my good cry and get it out of my system, post here, and reach out to my support group. (it's not Naranon, but it is a 12 step program like alanon, called Families Anonymous. I love it and went this week. I may go to alanon this week or early next too. I just hate the timers at Al anon. It stresses me out to feel pressured to share in a 3 minute time limit.
Sorry to ramble, but there's so much coming out of me know.....and I have to share it here.
I really, really do appreciate you all responding and sharing. I can't believe I actually got more than 2 responses this time! it really helps. Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
A big hug to you, Vaya. It seems you have maybe made a breakthrough. Crying can do that sometimes. I hope you get a good night's rest. And I am so glad you are going to Families Anonymous for face to face support and community. Do turn your phone off!Or at least put it on silent so you won't be disturbed. I know how hard it is--I have been in your shoes, and very recently. Take care and keep breathing big breaths in, big breaths out. It really does help anxiety subside.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
vaya - I'm both a recovering addict and a recovering codependent.
Homeless? Yes, I chose that so I could keep using. I didn't want to deal with the people who loved me and wanted me to recover, so I slept wherever, I sold my body for dope. My family worried about me OD'ing, I did what I wanted the most...used. No amount of love could change my mind.
I had to experience homelessness, being in and out of jail, getting beaten and choked and many more horrendous experiences. I had to experience my dad, who loves me more than life itself, telling me "no, I will not, I can not, get you out of this" to find recovery.
I had to dig a really deep hole, and find out how to get out of it myself to find recovery.
I am over 7-1/2 years into recovery. Last year, I did CPR on my stepmother who had taken too many pills and I could not revive her.
I've lost loved ones to addiction, I've celebrated recovery with many others.
I can only share my experience - if it were not for the people who loved me enough to say "that's it, I will not enable you"? I would not have the time I have in recovery.
I am praying for you, as I know how hard it is to see someone struggle with addiction. The fact is, they can OD in your own home - there are several here who have been through that.
I came close to death too many times, I survived. I am blessed. My stepmother was not so fortunate, but I warned her (one addict, though recovering, to another). I knew addiction inside and out and I couldn't save her.
I'm not saying your son will die. I'm simply saying that we are powerless over addiction. I've been on both sides of the fence, and honestly? Being the loved one is harder. If it weren't for SR and the great people here, I don't know that I would have understood. It took time, but the people here are talking from experience.
I hope you keep reading and posting. This site has literally saved my life, both as an RA and a recovering codie.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Homeless? Yes, I chose that so I could keep using. I didn't want to deal with the people who loved me and wanted me to recover, so I slept wherever, I sold my body for dope. My family worried about me OD'ing, I did what I wanted the most...used. No amount of love could change my mind.
I had to experience homelessness, being in and out of jail, getting beaten and choked and many more horrendous experiences. I had to experience my dad, who loves me more than life itself, telling me "no, I will not, I can not, get you out of this" to find recovery.
I had to dig a really deep hole, and find out how to get out of it myself to find recovery.
I am over 7-1/2 years into recovery. Last year, I did CPR on my stepmother who had taken too many pills and I could not revive her.
I've lost loved ones to addiction, I've celebrated recovery with many others.
I can only share my experience - if it were not for the people who loved me enough to say "that's it, I will not enable you"? I would not have the time I have in recovery.
I am praying for you, as I know how hard it is to see someone struggle with addiction. The fact is, they can OD in your own home - there are several here who have been through that.
I came close to death too many times, I survived. I am blessed. My stepmother was not so fortunate, but I warned her (one addict, though recovering, to another). I knew addiction inside and out and I couldn't save her.
I'm not saying your son will die. I'm simply saying that we are powerless over addiction. I've been on both sides of the fence, and honestly? Being the loved one is harder. If it weren't for SR and the great people here, I don't know that I would have understood. It took time, but the people here are talking from experience.
I hope you keep reading and posting. This site has literally saved my life, both as an RA and a recovering codie.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: WI
Posts: 240
Vaya of course you are grieving so don't beat yourself up for that. It's a necessary process and a roller coaster. Sometimes when you think "I got this" you'll suddenly fall apart and at other times just when it really hits the fan, you'll be surprised how well your really holding up. It takes time. I'm surprised how well I'm doing. So I just keep patting myself on the back every moment I'm successful getting through the day without obsessing about my AH. It builds up until it allows you to lovingly detach. Good for you for going to FA! You found something you love that you are doing just for yourself. Keep giving yourself permission to do your self care. Good job!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Tacoma WA
Posts: 109
vaya, I feel your pain and I empathize with your situation. I also have a 29yo AS, and as such I've had almost 15 years of heartache and pain. He has now spent over half of his life using every kind of drug. He has lost everything, to include a wife, a beautiful 6yo daughter, his sister, all his possessions. He has been bailed out far too many times.
After all these years, I am just now out of denial. I'm in therapy for my own issues, and each day is a brighter day. We cannot love our addicts into recovery. If we could, there would be no addiction in this world.
I would never advice another mother to cut the strings because if you aren't ready, you aren't ready. But, I can share that at some point you will reach a certain awareness that love isn't enough. Bailing him out isn't enough. Listening to another excuse isn't enough.
There are many voices on this forum. Some voices are harsher than others, but the mothers on this forum really understand in a way that no others can. It's pure hell, and there is no way to sugar coat it.
But, life can be brighter. I've had years of feeling the light, then I slipped and thought I could save my son. Then I'd be in misery for more months or years.
This time though is different. I'm almost 60, and I think just that lends me strength and wisdom. I've lasted this long!!
My son is in the arms of a greater loving universal spiritual being. I've given him over. Now it's time to be gentle and kind to myself.
With total compassion,
Peaceandgrace
After all these years, I am just now out of denial. I'm in therapy for my own issues, and each day is a brighter day. We cannot love our addicts into recovery. If we could, there would be no addiction in this world.
I would never advice another mother to cut the strings because if you aren't ready, you aren't ready. But, I can share that at some point you will reach a certain awareness that love isn't enough. Bailing him out isn't enough. Listening to another excuse isn't enough.
There are many voices on this forum. Some voices are harsher than others, but the mothers on this forum really understand in a way that no others can. It's pure hell, and there is no way to sugar coat it.
But, life can be brighter. I've had years of feeling the light, then I slipped and thought I could save my son. Then I'd be in misery for more months or years.
This time though is different. I'm almost 60, and I think just that lends me strength and wisdom. I've lasted this long!!
My son is in the arms of a greater loving universal spiritual being. I've given him over. Now it's time to be gentle and kind to myself.
With total compassion,
Peaceandgrace
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 341
It is such a comfort to hear from all of you. I am glad you have shared and helped me to not beat myself up if I do give in a little from time to time. last night I did not answer the phone or let him sleep in the car. I had little contact today, then made the mistake of telling him I was at a local market, away from the house, on my bike, thinking it was safe if I wasn't in the car. He complained about his back hurting, etc...which it does. He could barely move this morning when I saw him for a few minutes. After some time and texts later, he asked about the car for his back. I first offered a sleeping bag. I did agree this one last time, but I have no quams about telling him he is capable of getting a bed or doing whatever he needs to do to help himself. I told him I am done watching him destroy himself and that I don't want to contribute to that....that the last 4 1/2 years was enough and nothing changed.He is living as he is by his own choice. I let him know he can turn this around if he wants to and encouraged him. I know , that even tho we have some contact and I did relent on the car tonight, that I am still getting stronger & not afraid to hold back on how I feel and explain it to him calmly, without putting him down. I am grateful, by the grace of God and through the support of FA and this forum, that I am getting stronger and starting to detach with love and grace.
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