Question regarding my family
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,222
Question regarding my family
Hi everyone, Im on day 5. In the last 48 hours I have posted a few things about my history. I am not knocking in AA in any way but there are a number of things about the AA system that don't feel right for me. I have researched AVRT and spent 10 hours of so reading about it this week. It feels exactly right for me and expresses what I wanted to say. Obviously, its just one system but its the one I am running with and I am comfortable with this decision. I am working on my Big Plan which I will post on Sunday once I reach one week sober.
I am really wrestling with the issue of how much to tell my family. Please bear with me while I give you some background. I would really appreciate your advice:
I have one brother and one sister who both live in my home country with my mother and father. I have worked in different countries for the past 23 years. I have been abusing alcohol for ALL of those years. I have travelled home for a few days at a time and never drank too heavily in an obvious way when they were around so they do not know about my intense and prolonged alcohol abuse. I am very confident in this statement. I would typically save it all up for the flight back and get hammered on the plane and roll out on the other end.
My family don't really drink much and I grew up in a moderate alcohol household. I can't remember EVER seeing my parents drunk when I was growing up. In many ways I would be seen as the one who flew the nest, made a success of himself and financially supported my family on occasion as needed, which has not been very often.
Essentially I have done a very good job in concealing a chronic alcohol problem from them as they only see me for a small number of days each year and I can always pretend to be jet lagged etc after a few beers.
Assuming I employ the AVRT method, which I have done and NEVER drink again under any circumstances; do you think I should tell them about all this? One one hand, they are my family and usually honesty is best. One the other hand, I would find it terribly embarrassing and awkward. My parents worry about me working overseas a lot as it is and I think this this would trouble them more.
Is there any best practice for this type of thing? I was leaning towards being 100% open with my wife and one or two selected friends (have been with wife already) but to parents/brother/sister and try to retain as much dignity as possible and not tell them. Sorry, for the question but I new to these forums and wasn't sure if there was an accepted best practice for all of this. I have not hurt them in any way and have nothing, alcohol related, to apologise to them for.
After reading this again I realise it seems that I am looking for excuses to wimp out of telling them, but that doesn't make it the wrong option,
What do you think? I want this to be a part of my plan either way,
Paul
I am really wrestling with the issue of how much to tell my family. Please bear with me while I give you some background. I would really appreciate your advice:
I have one brother and one sister who both live in my home country with my mother and father. I have worked in different countries for the past 23 years. I have been abusing alcohol for ALL of those years. I have travelled home for a few days at a time and never drank too heavily in an obvious way when they were around so they do not know about my intense and prolonged alcohol abuse. I am very confident in this statement. I would typically save it all up for the flight back and get hammered on the plane and roll out on the other end.
My family don't really drink much and I grew up in a moderate alcohol household. I can't remember EVER seeing my parents drunk when I was growing up. In many ways I would be seen as the one who flew the nest, made a success of himself and financially supported my family on occasion as needed, which has not been very often.
Essentially I have done a very good job in concealing a chronic alcohol problem from them as they only see me for a small number of days each year and I can always pretend to be jet lagged etc after a few beers.
Assuming I employ the AVRT method, which I have done and NEVER drink again under any circumstances; do you think I should tell them about all this? One one hand, they are my family and usually honesty is best. One the other hand, I would find it terribly embarrassing and awkward. My parents worry about me working overseas a lot as it is and I think this this would trouble them more.
Is there any best practice for this type of thing? I was leaning towards being 100% open with my wife and one or two selected friends (have been with wife already) but to parents/brother/sister and try to retain as much dignity as possible and not tell them. Sorry, for the question but I new to these forums and wasn't sure if there was an accepted best practice for all of this. I have not hurt them in any way and have nothing, alcohol related, to apologise to them for.
After reading this again I realise it seems that I am looking for excuses to wimp out of telling them, but that doesn't make it the wrong option,
What do you think? I want this to be a part of my plan either way,
Paul
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
I think as an adult not living with your family, there's no need to tell them.
Whether they know or not doesn't seem like it will make much difference to your recovery.
If you feel the need for a clean slate that's fine but make sure you're not doing it at the cost of worrying people unnecessarily.
I told everyone, mainly to 'lighten my load' - and while many people knew already I regret any concern or worry I may have caused some of them.
Wives are a different matter of course. I can't imagine not telling my wife or partner of a momentous life change like recovery.
D
Whether they know or not doesn't seem like it will make much difference to your recovery.
If you feel the need for a clean slate that's fine but make sure you're not doing it at the cost of worrying people unnecessarily.
I told everyone, mainly to 'lighten my load' - and while many people knew already I regret any concern or worry I may have caused some of them.
Wives are a different matter of course. I can't imagine not telling my wife or partner of a momentous life change like recovery.
D
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: The Northland
Posts: 600
I suggest making this decision when you are further into your sobriety. No need to toss more drama into the mix right now since they are not currently aware of your addiction. Just my two cents. Take care.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Eastern Us
Posts: 1,366
Congratulations on your decision to stop drinking. Making a Big Plan is freeing as you never have to revisit the question of drinking, that life is behind you now. I keep my sobriety to myself and a few close loved ones, on a needs-to-know basis. It has worked well form me now a number of years. Welcome to our community!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I took the same approach as ru12, "need to know." My dad is 87, and even though my first husband (with whom we remain close) has been sober in AA for going on 35 years, it would worry my dad needlessly to hear I am now in recovery (sober six years). He never saw my drinking problem, no need to give him something to worry about.
My brother and I are friendly, but not terribly close. Again, no need to tell him, he never saw my drinking problem, was not affected by it, so I don't share that part of my life.
I have a very few close "outside" friends that I've shared with because I wanted to--we are close enough that we share important stuff with each other. My first husband and my kids know, and they are proud of me.
If your family didn't see your problem I don't see any need to tell them right now. You can always tell them later if it seems like a good idea once you've put the drinking some distance behind you.
Congrats on your sober time, keep up the good work!
My brother and I are friendly, but not terribly close. Again, no need to tell him, he never saw my drinking problem, was not affected by it, so I don't share that part of my life.
I have a very few close "outside" friends that I've shared with because I wanted to--we are close enough that we share important stuff with each other. My first husband and my kids know, and they are proud of me.
If your family didn't see your problem I don't see any need to tell them right now. You can always tell them later if it seems like a good idea once you've put the drinking some distance behind you.
Congrats on your sober time, keep up the good work!
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: South
Posts: 226
Guess I'm in a different camp. If you are proud and happy to be sober (even if just trying) - I say tell'em. But to be clear that is what worked for me. My family was so supportive, my brothers slightly abusive in a comedic way, and everybody mindful that making a stink was not helpful or required. Not sure what your family dynamic is like, but for me - I can't tell enough people. Sobriety is a gift, like parenthood, faith, or a sunny day. I am so proud to be free, I want my family to celebrate with me.
I will say though (half joking but true), most of my celebration is alone. Turns out nobody really cares weather I drink or not. So telling them I quit was a yawn, aside from the sibling insults.
I will say though (half joking but true), most of my celebration is alone. Turns out nobody really cares weather I drink or not. So telling them I quit was a yawn, aside from the sibling insults.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 334
Originally Posted by ubntubnt 
Assuming I employ the AVRT method, which I have done and NEVER drink again under any circumstances; do you think I should tell them about all this? One one hand, they are my family and usually honesty is best. One the other hand, I would find it terribly embarrassing and awkward. My parents worry about me working overseas a lot as it is and I think this this would trouble them more.
Is there any best practice for this type of thing? I was leaning towards being 100% open with my wife and one or two selected friends (have been with wife already) but to parents/brother/sister and try to retain as much dignity as possible and not tell them. Sorry, for the question but I new to these forums and wasn't sure if there was an accepted best practice for all of this. I have not hurt them in any way and have nothing, alcohol related, to apologise to them for.
Is there any best practice for this type of thing? I was leaning towards being 100% open with my wife and one or two selected friends (have been with wife already) but to parents/brother/sister and try to retain as much dignity as possible and not tell them. Sorry, for the question but I new to these forums and wasn't sure if there was an accepted best practice for all of this. I have not hurt them in any way and have nothing, alcohol related, to apologise to them for.
I only told my wife about the changes I was making. I haven't volunteered the information to anyone else. I have just quietly changed into a person who doesn't drink alcohol. People rarely ask me about it. If they do, I just say "I'm fine with iced tea, thanks." or "I decided I do better with out alcohol", and leave it at that.
Not at all saying you have to do it this way, but one of the subtle points of Rational Recovery is that you don't have to dwell on your drinking issues for the rest of your life. One of the goals of RR is to determine you have a problem, decide to stop drinking, and move on and enjoy your life as a non-drinker. That was one of the big selling points for me and it is a reason I generally don't talk about it with other people I know, as I feel that just focuses attention on something that I'm trying to move beyond. That doesn't mean I necessarily ignore my issues. I still use AVRT to identify when my Addictive Voice is trying to deceive me and deal with it accordingly.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,222
Originally Posted by HenryKrinkle
I did Rational Recovery/AVRT and I have succeeded with it.
I only told my wife about the changes I was making. I haven't volunteered the information to anyone else. I have just quietly changed into a person who doesn't drink alcohol. People rarely ask me about it. If they do, I just say "I'm fine with iced tea, thanks." or "I decided I do better with out alcohol", and leave it at that.
Not at all saying you have to do it this way, but one of the subtle points of Rational Recovery is that you don't have to dwell on your drinking issues for the rest of your life. One of the goals of RR is to determine you have a problem, decide to stop drinking, and move on and enjoy your life as a non-drinker. That was one of the big selling points for me and it is a reason I generally don't talk about it with other people I know, as I feel that just focuses attention on something that I'm trying to move beyond. That doesn't mean I necessarily ignore my issues. I still use AVRT to identify when my Addictive Voice is trying to deceive me and deal with it accordingly.
I only told my wife about the changes I was making. I haven't volunteered the information to anyone else. I have just quietly changed into a person who doesn't drink alcohol. People rarely ask me about it. If they do, I just say "I'm fine with iced tea, thanks." or "I decided I do better with out alcohol", and leave it at that.
Not at all saying you have to do it this way, but one of the subtle points of Rational Recovery is that you don't have to dwell on your drinking issues for the rest of your life. One of the goals of RR is to determine you have a problem, decide to stop drinking, and move on and enjoy your life as a non-drinker. That was one of the big selling points for me and it is a reason I generally don't talk about it with other people I know, as I feel that just focuses attention on something that I'm trying to move beyond. That doesn't mean I necessarily ignore my issues. I still use AVRT to identify when my Addictive Voice is trying to deceive me and deal with it accordingly.
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