well, I thought we broke up??

Old 11-19-2014, 08:22 PM
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well, I thought we broke up??

After learning about the mood cycles and seeing how his drinking is getting worse, I got enough courage to say enough. I told him that I will not date an active drinker(he drinks wine or beer daily- when waking and after work until he slurs his words). He was mad, told me I had become a nag. We were (I thought) broken up.

2 weeks later (tonight) he text me, saying "I know you hate me, but can I call you sometime. I promise to not be mean?" (I had told him that when his mood changes, he's mean). I responded, "I don't hate you. yes, if you promise not to be mean". ( I meant yes, we can talk, not yes, we can get back together)

A few hours later he said, he "looked forward to talking. he misses me and loves me"; "I think we can work this out".

What do I do? I feel guilty that it came to this, but he has a long road ahead of him, if he plans to stop. His moods are hard on me.

He can be the sweetest guy and I love him, but I can't stand to see him destroying his health and his moods...he goes from sweet to mean/angry. It's hard. The Jekyll/hyde thing.

Any thoughts as to what's in his head? How should I respond? I don't know what to do.
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Old 11-19-2014, 08:27 PM
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please read my earlier post on What Does it Mean.
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Old 11-19-2014, 09:24 PM
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Hey Carman

He is just doing what A's do. He is looking to use you.

When I was drinking I pulled stunts like this, I would use whoever was likely to respond to what I wanted at the time. I would say whatever I knew the person wanted to hear. Make promises (lie) that I thought they wanted to hear.

Save yourself heartache and remove him from your life. Best advice would be not to reply at all. Any reply you do give will be grasped onto and used to manipulate.

You deserve so much better than this. All the best to you.
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Old 11-19-2014, 09:29 PM
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The big bad real world is tough for A's to live in. It's just part of the A package to say all those words you want to hear and rope you back in so that they can avoid having to be responsible. If he can hook you again, then he's got it made. He'll be able to drink with his safe place to land, where there are no consequences or discomfort. Stop hearing or reading his words and start looking at his actions.
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Old 11-19-2014, 10:08 PM
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How is he looking to use me? I'm just wondering what he has in mind. We don't live together, I've been careful not to enable him. Well, for one, he doesn't throw up or lose bladder... thank goodness. He just drinks a lot of wine or beer, has high tolerance and it makes him have behaviors that I don't like. I don't give him any money. However, I'm not meeting anyone else because I've been with him ... a situation that is going nowhere and I feel stressed over his health, his moods and how it's all in limbo.
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Old 11-19-2014, 10:19 PM
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Hugs.... Who knows whats going on in his head. It could be anything, nothing...

You don't HAVE to do anything. Just because some one says they love you, doesn't mean you have to love them back. You are completely free to stick to your decision that the relationship is done, if that's what you want.

You could tell him: Back up, jack. There's no working this out right now.
You could tell him: Love and miss you, too.
You could tell him: Love and miss you, too, especially the drinking and Dr Jeckyll Mr Hyde swings.
You could tell him: Sorry, I can't talk. I'm getting ready to move to Antarctica.

All you really need to know is what you want.
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Old 11-19-2014, 10:20 PM
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Like I said to you earlier I didn't set out to use anyone, but y'know looking back, I undeniably did.

It was a great boon for me as a drinker to have someone who'd bail me out - not even materially, but emotionally...

support like that made it easier for me to drink cos I knew however bad things got, I'd have 'somewhere to go'.

It's an appalling way to think and act, but I did. I bartered with people's love for me, like a commodity.

I'm not up on your history Carmen but if you haven't read Melody Beatties Codependent No More, do read it.
I recommend it.

It may be as eye opening to you as it was to me.

D
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Old 11-19-2014, 10:22 PM
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I do miss him, but I've learned disturbing things about this condition. Until he's sober, I may not even know the real him...or so I've heard.
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Old 11-19-2014, 10:36 PM
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I didn't know the real me until I was several months sober - so how could other people?


best wishes with whatever you decide Carmen - I know there'll always be support here

D
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Old 11-19-2014, 11:33 PM
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Originally Posted by carmen303 View Post
We were (I thought) broken up.
Who broke up with who? Who erected the boundary and who is crossing the line?
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Old 11-20-2014, 03:46 AM
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Carmen, if you do start seeing him again, just now and then, he's really getting the best of both worlds. He gets to go on drinking, and still see you from time to time. He hasn't said anything about not drinking, just trying to see you and no doubt work his way back into your life.
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Old 11-20-2014, 04:55 AM
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I know you already said you wouldn't mind talking to him "as long as you're not mean," but that isn't an unbreakable promise. He's taken your willingness to have an occasional phone call as a signal that everything will be OK and everything can go back to the way it was. This is how we get sucked back in.

Maybe the best thing is just to say, "I've given it some thought and I really don't think talking any more is a good idea. I sincerely wish you the best, but please don't contact me again." Period. You already believed you had broken up, but he hasn't accepted that fact. If you want OUT of this dance, YOU will have to be the one to do it.

I think way too often we keep waiting and waiting until the alcoholic gives us "permission" to leave (of course, then we start questioning why they aren't trying harder to hold onto us). All of which keeps us locked into these bad relationships that are going nowhere but downhill.
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Old 11-20-2014, 05:13 AM
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He baited the hook with a guilt trip. "I know you hate me" and a promise to change. That's like catnip to someone in a relationship with an abusive alcoholic. Of course we have to respond, we can't have someone erroneously believing that we hate them! And look, he promised to be nice because I told him he was mean. He LISTENED to me, he's going to CHANGE for me. I know that feeling. It is as addictive as any drug.
Why was acceptable for him to be mean in the first place? I know you miss his family, but that's not a reason to get sucked back into an abusive relationship dynamic. What benefit is there in maintaining contact with someone you have to constantly remind to show you respect? You already said that being stuck with him kept you from meeting other people. I know we have this lovely, civilized notion about being friends with exes, but when the ex is an abusive alcoholic, what would you really get out of it?
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Old 11-20-2014, 06:10 AM
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Actually, he isn't "abusive" in that it's not physical; it's more verbal; and ONLY when his mood changes. I know all people have moods, BUT he is an alcoholic; this is bound to be different from normal "moods". Right? If he's not in a "mood", he is a sweet, peaceful, nature/animal loving guy.

As the condition is progressive, does it often turn physical (even for a nice guy like him), as they get worse?
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Old 11-20-2014, 06:17 AM
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Originally Posted by carmen303 View Post
As the condition is progressive, does it often turn physical (even for a nice guy like him), as they get worse?
Does it matter if it gets worse/physical? Do you like what it is NOW is the question. You've now opened the door that he can get back in. Like another poster said, he will have the best of both worlds.... the snuggly animal loving guy with you, then he can put you back on the shelf and go do his drinking - meanwhile you're on the shelf not meeting other really great guys. But alas... that will be only for awhile because it will progress back to him drinking with you around and BAM he's mean to you. Is that what you want?
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Old 11-20-2014, 06:20 AM
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Verbal abuse is abuse.

If you like, check out the Stickies at the top of this forum to get a better understanding of abuse.
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Old 11-20-2014, 06:21 AM
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Oh Carmen, verbal nastiness ONLY when moods change IS abuse. It is very much abuse. And I am here to tell you that I am living proof that it will get worse over time.

My AH has never hit me, but the verbal/emotional abuse has gotten progressively worse over the years. Saying that it's not abuse because he doesn't hit you is...well, for me it was a sign of my co-dependent insanity.
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Old 11-20-2014, 06:28 AM
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Verbal abuse is still abuse. Regardless of whether it becomes physical, verbal abuse is demoralizing and hurtful. And even if he is that way "only" when his mood changes and when he is drinking, the drinking and mood swings are likely to happen more often and last longer.

I'd go with the "we've broken up," if I were you.
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Old 11-20-2014, 06:34 AM
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Why are you settling for someone who has mood swings and a need to drink every night? This person’s behavior makes you un-happy and stressed? He has shown you exactly who and how he is and you don’t want him that way you want him to be someone he’s not.

And the fact you are not meeting anyone else is because you are settling for this guy, bad behavior and all. And now it sounds like you are trying to justify to us and probably yourself that he’s not that bad, doesn’t throw up or lose his bladder……………yah because those are the qualities most woman look for in a man!! really???

You have gone from healthy no contact with someone where the situation was going nowhere and stressing you - to a text message asking if he can call you, you stating only if he’s not mean to being right back to where you started prior to the healthy no contact and nothing has changed.

You haven’t changed in two weeks, he hasn’t changed in two weeks……………..so moving forward with him what expectations are running through your head?
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Old 11-20-2014, 07:01 AM
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Carmen it may just be that you need more time and space away from him than you've given yourself. He wants back into the relationship he is familiar with and so he floated you a tester text as a hook and you took it. It happens. But it does not change the fact that aside from some words, nothing has changed. The only thing it takes for you to remain "broken up" is for you to accept it and act accordingly.

Even without addiction in the mix, I personally don't think it's ever worthwhile to immediately try to remain "friends" with someone you've just ended a relationship with. It's too messy and muddy and confusing. Dandylion posted a great thread within the last couple of weeks about time and space. They're often the last things we're willing to give ourselves when we are grieving a relationship, and they're the only things that make any difference.
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