somedaysoon74

Today my bf admitted that he lied to me about his sobriety. Obviously whenever we were together there was no alcohol and he was sober and he seemed to go to meetings (he brought reading material back from the meetings so I do assume he went). We cooked the suggested diet from the book "Under the Influence", went to Yoga, to the gym and overall I almost started to get a sense of "normal" again until he admitted today he had been secretly drinking at work events, at home etc. I am utterly disappointed and also shocked as it only came out because I challenged him regarding a bogus story he told me that just sounded like complete ******** so he eventually admitted it. I don't really know what to do now as I really don't trust him anymore.

suki44883

Trust is essential in any viable relationship. Without trust, what do you really have? He only came clean because you caught him in a lie. Had you not done that, he would have continued to drink, be deceitful, and lie to you.

LexieCat

Lying is what alcoholics DO. At least until they are ready to quit. Sounds to me like he just isn't there yet. He "admitted" his problem and made promises he's not ready to keep because you were talking about leaving. Believe it or not this is absolutely normal alcoholic behavior. It isn't personal.

You can expect more of the same until he IS ready to quit--which might take months, years, or decades, if ever.

CodeJob

Hello Someday,

Well what do you want to do?

Why settle for an A? You are assuredly worth much more and should come before alcohol in a relationship.

LexieCat

Right. What I said about what to expect applies only if you stick around to watch.

PohsFriend

One size fits one folks. I've been to a lot of open meetings and birthday nights, I've heard a lot of long sober, recovered alcoholics talk openly about their past and don't recall the story about the one who never lied and quit on the first try.

When I knew Poh was really changing was when she stopped saying she would never drink again and started saying things like she did not want to, was working her ass off to prevent it and hadn't drank since last time. I asked her if she thought she'd be able to tell me if she relapsed and she thought and then said probably not, if she were to drink she'd lie but not to worry, if she could hide it then she wouldn't be spending five evenings per week at aa meetings.

When they do recover, an alcoholic will school you on real honesty....

Hoping you are lucky and get to see that. It's hard not to take it personally. I know my wife would trade her life for mine without a second thought. She's taught me what it's like to really be loved. ...and if she relapsed she would lie and hide it because that's the disease. It affects you but it doesn't reflect on you.

Hang in there.

ubntubnt

Ah, surely it depends on lots of factors. How much they love each other, the history of abuse, his sincerity about trying to quit etc. Many of us have been sincere about quitting and fallen off the wagon repeatedly and really beaten ourselves up about it. I don't its all that fair to anyone trying to dry out to say that why should anyone be with them, that they don't need that aggravation in their lives. In many case that may be true but it all depends. Everyone needs to decide for themselves.

LeeJane

Sorry to read what is going on with you.

Thing is, he is an A. He lies, it is what we do. He will continue to do it.

We say whatever we need to allow our addiction to continue.

The kindest thing you can do for yourself is walk away.

HeartsAfire

The most important thing I learned when going thru recovery with my sex addicted ex-husband is that trust has nothing to do with "them" and everything to do with me. Trust yourself, Someday.

NWGRITS

He isn't ready to stop yet. I agree - walk away now and work on yourself. If he ever decides to work a program and get serious about recovery, then maybe you can consider a relationship down the road. But for now, I'd take the space to clear your head and find out what attracts you to this kind of person in the first place. FWIW, going to AA doesn't make anyone sober more than standing in the garage makes them a car. Plenty of actively drinking A's go to meetings. I love how he brings home literature every night. "See, I'm going to AA. That means everything is fine and dandy, and you just need to shut up." Yep. BTDT, burned the t-shirt.

ubntubnt

Surely a great many Alcoholics work hard and get better and save relationships from destruction? Surely those that succeed don't always succeed at the first attempt? Even if they have many insincere attempts before they succeed. I totally understand the desire to save OP from some hurt here but surely the specifics of her relationship and feelings and level of commitment to the guy are important also?

LeeJane

Thanks for your response. I am four years sober and it has taken me this long to realise all the lying I do (did). Lying was like breathing, it was just something I did to get by. I was so disconnected from the real world and numb. I couldn't tell the truth even if I wanted to. It isn't usually conscious to lie.

When we are actively drinking and for a long time afterwards, we cant give any commitment to anything other than alcohol. When active - our focus is drinking, when sober - our focus is staying sober.

Also once sober and working our program, we change so much that it is common for relationships started when we were in drink to no longer be suitable. As we become such different people, we are no longer compatible.

I am still with my hub of ten years, he is still active. Our relationship is utterly different now.

Hope this helps a little, ubntubnot. Alcoholism is such a difficult issue. For everyone who it touches, not just the actual drinker.

CodeJob

Well I forget who coined it here but unacceptable behavior IS unacceptable behavior. Chances are good Someday is a codependent and was molded to be an excellent foil to a using A. She will accept unacceptable behavior bc she places herself lower on the valuation scale. She thinks she can save this guy. Notice she asks what do I do now? She's not done despite a lack of trust.

The best advice I can give you Someday is work on you. Have you read Codependent No More yet? Keep up the healthy diet, the yoga, and read that book!

ladyscribbler

Imagine what you could have accomplished if you had put all that energy into achieving something for yourself. Trying to make an alcoholic get/stay sober is not a productive use of time unless you are the alcoholic working on your own sobriety. We just don't have that kind of control over other people. It's also unfair to expect another person to change for the sake of a relationship.

somedaysoon74

Thanks for your feedback. It's true I guess I still believe that I can save him and even though I would say I am not codependent, I probably am. But I have never been that close to throwing in the towel as this week as I am just fed up and there so many things I have planned for the holidays like traveling to Europe to see my parents etc. I know I can't baby him and ensure he doesn't drink while I am away he will drink whenever he wants to and I am totally over the lies and his self-pity.

MissFixit

I was in a situation similar to yours. The lying increases and they get better at it without a total immersion into a recovery program. For each lie you find out about, I guarantee there are numerous lies you know nothing about. For a couple years I truly believed my ex was a pathological liar. He just couldn't (or didn't want to) stop himself from lying even when caught in one and promising to never do it again.

If I was in your shoes, I would continue with my holiday plans to travel and see family. Leave him to his own devices. He is an adult and can make whatever choice for his life that he wants. He wants to drink, he can.

dandylion

somedaysoon....I will echo what others have said....He is not lying to HURT YOU. He is lying to protect his drinking. It is not about you...it is about him and the disease that controls his life, right now. Please try not to personalize it.
To the alcoholic...living without drinking looks like death.

It might help to google: bma-wellness.com. Then, read the article written by Floyd P. Garrett, M.d. "Addiction, Lies, and Relationships". It addresses this very issue. It helped me so much to not take the lies personally---when I understood that my alcoholic wasn't lying to hurt me. It was to "protect" himself from what he just wasn't ready to face.

dandylion

LeeJane

Many thanks for this, CodeJob. Caused much clicking into place in my brain.

I love Codie No More and really recommend it too.

Hope7726

I know exactly how you feel. I was recently in a relationship with an addict. You know they lie like rugs too. Once I found out he was using, and all of the lies...sooooo many lies...of course the trust was completely broken. I thought we would be able to rebuild it but then I realized he was lying about being in recovery! And then I realized he will probably always lie for the rest of his life because it is ingrained in him.

Whether the lies are personal or not, they hurt, and constantly being lied to is frustrating as hell. You can't even have a conversation with this person, there's no sense in it because you don't believe a damn thing he says. And the suspicion - every time his phone rings, every time he sends a text, whenever he claimed he was going to a meeting, or going to the store, I was constantly questioning him in my mind. Not a fun way to live. Sometimes the damage is too severe and it cannot be repaired.

It sucks, I know. We want so desperately to believe them. But we know better.

dandylion

O so agree..even though it may not designed to hurt...it does hurt....

dandylion