waitingforhope

Alright so I've done the whining, the crying, self pity, fits of anxiety, blah, blah, blah. Thanks for tolerating it by the way! Getting stuff off my chest is starting to lessen that but I admit, still cycling through some of that but I guess that's to be expected for a while.

However, I don't seem to be dealing with the anger very well. My counselor has me journaling like writing letters for example. Last night I wrote one where I said goodbye to my AH and my marriage. Wow, was it hateful! I told him he was a coward for deserting his family. A coward for lying. That a real man could tell the truth and own up to facing himself. A coward for not facing his wife and family. A coward for just walking away without a word. That I hated him for everything he's done. I hated him for not being remorseful for what he's done to us, for never saying he's sorry. And that's being benign.

At my first NA meeting the other day, they talked about forgiving my AH, a point that I am no where near. Loving him with detachment. That's another struggle. I'm struggling with accepting that his addiction is an illness. He makes the choice to use, or am I wrong in that? I don't know.

I don't love this person addicted to meth. That's not who I married. I love something that no longer exists and know I just can't have that anymore. And it pi$$es me off. I'm having difficulty not blaming him for choosing a drug over his family. I want this divorce now so why am I so stuck in being so filled with anger at him? I know it's a defense mechanism. It keeps me committed to sticking by decision that I must hold true to my determination to not allow him back in my life, but at some point, I have to let go of the anger. Maybe not enough time has gone by yet, but I don't want to be this angry person. I don't want to be bitter. I do a great job hiding it but inside and physically, it's only hurting me and I definitely don't want my children to be affected by their mom just getting stuck in it. Am I being too hard on myself this early in the game? Maybe it's just the normal stages of grief?

I'm also though very angry at myself. I didn't know I was a person who would ever take this crap. Get bogged down in it. I mad that I'm allowing myself to feel angry at all. I'm angry when I allow self pity to take over. I'm going to drown in it if I don't do something. How do I possibly forgive AH for all the consequences? For choosing meth over us? I doubt I'll ever get amends from him so I just have to live with that I'll never have answers but answers wouldn't change anything anyway.

Thanks in advance for just letting me rant

ladyscribbler

I had to forgive myself before I could work on forgiving my ex. Working my Alanon program (putting myself first) was a big help, especially my 4th step inventory. Take it easy and keep your expectations to a minimum. There's nothing inherently wrong with FEELING anger, it can be a catalyst for healthy change. I was always one to stuff strong negative emotions, so when I finally allowed myself to start feeling those things again it was overwhelming for awhile.
It has been a process for me, partly because he continues to progress in his disease and regularly sinks to infuriating new lows. So I have had many opportunities to practice forgiveness.

Hope7726

I remember going to my first Nar-Anon meeting and the topic was making amends. These people all talked about how they had made amends with their addicts. I was thinking, FOR WHAT?! I don't owe him amends, he owes ME amends x1000!!

I am definitely not there with my addict either but I really want to be one day. For myself, not for him. I haven't started the 12 steps and not sure if I will but I know the process is supposed to help tremendously. Another person you make amends with is yourself. You accept that you too made mistakes, and that's OK.

Your situation is still so fresh (as is mine), everything you're feeling is totally normal. What has helped me has been educating myself about addiction and how it impacts the brain. It's impossible for us non-addicts to ever relate to our addict's behavior, but by trying to gain an understanding of the way his active addicted mind works, slowly helps me realize none of his actions were intended to hurt me. I know, it sounds crazy. How could your lying, stealing, cheating, and abandoning me have nothing to do with me?! Really, it doesn't though. When an addict is active, nothing else exists. Only him and his drugs.

Don't be so hard on yourself. Just keep doing what you're doing. It's going to be a long road so don't try to rush it. I know we all want the pain to go away but unfortunately, we are forced to suffer through it. We can't just use drugs to suppress it, the way our addicts do.

Hawks

If you are at all, spiritually inclined, there is a book called..

"A return to Love " by Marianne Williamson.

Amazing book

Blew most of my anger / hatred clean out.

mayabee

My son is an addict. Meth was his drug of choice, but later he also used heroin. He is not currently using (got very sick with pneumonia, then went to rehab). I remember so well the hatefulness, the stealing, the abrupt disappearances and going incommunicado for days. I was very angry but also very sad. He was not the son I thought I knew. Through Nar-Anon and working the steps with a sponsor I let go of most of my anger, but it was a long process. Right now you are very vulnerable and raw. Your anger is very understandable. Be kind to yourself. I hope that you will continue with Nar-Anon meetings. Having support of people who understand your situation is so helpful.

zoso77

Good question.

There was quite a long period of time that I didn't deal with my anger very well when my AXGF and I were together. I was reacting to a lot of her behavior quite poorly. Under the right set of circumstances and if I allow it to happen, I can be quite ugly. One night in a fit of rage, I smashed an old guitar I didn't play anymore. And my language can get really nasty, too.

And then I got into Al Anon.

The biggest takeaway I got from going to Al Anon is the addict or alcoholic is doing to do whatever they do regardless of what we do or don't do. Their behavior is independent of us. So I asked myself, Why am I getting so p*ssed off about things I can't control?

When the end came -- when she broke up with me via text message while I was at work, sent a picture of her and the new guy, and confessed to cheating on me multiple times with glee -- I was remarkably calm. Eerily so. There comes a time when the addict will do something so outrageous and destructive, you just have to stand there and watch in awe. Her behavior didn't have anything to do with me, but it had everything to do with her.

So the last thing I texted her was, Goodbye. God bless.

Getting angry at her would not have been in my best interests. To allow myself to go off on her wouldn't have served me well. So I just sat with those nasty feelings and accepted that, for a time, I wasn't going to feel very good.

Mind you, I'm not saying that being angry is a bad thing. Anger can be justified. What gets us into trouble is when our anger clouds our reason, and we do things that don't serve us well when we're angry.

So the key is to accept the anger. To sit with it. But don't allow yourself to behave poorly.

hopeful4

I too had to go to a significant time of Celebrate Recovery and therapy for myself before I was ready to move forward. It is not that I have forgotten everything that has happened in the past, more that I now recognize that letting resentment take over my own life is as toxic as anything can be to myself and to my children. That is not who I want to be.

Realizing that was sort of an epiphany for me. I knew I was hurting and miserable, but my mom and sister had a bit of an intervention with me which led me to realize just how much it was affecting myself and those I love. Anger is absolutely poison to the soul, and does not change one single thing for the addict that it is directed to (at least that is who it was in my case).

So while I was not able to just walk in and forgive and forget, with a lot of work, I was able to move past the hurt, anger, and resentment because I deserve that for myself and my children.

You deserve the same....

XXX

Chino

Google "anger substitute emotion".

I have a lifetime of experience substituting anger for pain. It protected me and kept me moving forward, kept me alive. I dealt with the pain when I was ready.

As far as forgiveness goes, the Amish perspective works wonders for me:

"Forgiveness is letting go of the right to seek revenge."

It acknowledges I have an intrinsic right to revenge and that means a lot to me. Sometimes I choose to forgive and that's the end of that. Sometimes I have to revisit that choice several times. Other times I make that choice one day at a time. No matter what, it is a conscious choice I make and I don't feel bitter or even angry, nor has anyone ever suggested it. Not even my therapist.

None of the above relates to drug addiction as my qualifier was my daughter. With her, my anger dissipated immediately when I realized it was all about pain. Forgiveness? I didn't want revenge on her so it didn't even apply.

I just wanted to share what I learned about it in general, and I hope it helps even a tiny bit.

waitingforhope

Hope7726, your first sentence was exactly what I was thinking when I went to the meeting Monday! I've never gotten remorse or an apology but always the blame!

Since that was my first meeting, I have yet to start the 12 steps. I read the material they gave me several times, but I'm having trouble lately concentrating on stuff.

Thanks for sharing your stories and advice. It seems like I'm just moving onto fury vs. being sad so much. And I think my anger is justified this early in the game and protective but anger can be a difficult thing for me to give up. I have a hard time with the principle of loving detachment when I'd really like to kick his a$$ right now.

Everyday seems to be a rotation of the different emotions I'm dealing with in regards to him. But primarily, anger is taking over.

biminiblue

Crazy spinny brain will ease off after a while.

I think I kept trying to make sense of it all. When grieving, those emotions continue to arise in varying order. Denial, Bargaining, Anger, Depression, Acceptance.

Eventually it calms down. Time is the great healer. Keep going to meetings, they are important. I find I cannot agree with people necessarily, I have to take my own path in my own time. It's just good to be able to unload and to know you're not alone. Unfortunately it can't be rushed, you just have to go through it.

waitingforhope

I definitely have had crazy spinny brain lately. Up the down and then back up again. Strong then weak...... you get it. Again, it's a roller coaster. Every one who responded to this post gave me insight and a tool to use to keep my anger in check. With the additional assistance of Nar - Anon, my counselor and my church, someday I hope to get past my anger and actually forgive my AH. Thank you all again!