Acheleus

I have not been on here in a while. While I was nine months sober I am now almost three months sober. I drank because I quit working on my recovery. So I got a new sponsor and now am feeling secure. However...

I got into a relationship with a sober alcoholic. They drank and are now drinking. We broke up but now are together. This person drinks around me and has peed in my bed. I worry about this person. We live in different cities. This person says I cannot drink. This is the most insane I have felt in my life. I'm scared.

Nuudawn

My dear ole friend. Funny...I was just thinking about you yesterday...wondering how you are. I'm glad to know that you are back working on your recovery.

Sweetie...what do you want to do about the relationship. Have you talked to your sponsor about this hon? What does he say?

I'm so, so, so so glad you brought yourself and all this back to the forum.

Dee74

Hi Ach - good to see you.

Sometimes the people we love are not good for us, and vice versa.
I was a lot older than you when I learned that.

Any relationship that has you scared is something you need to really think about.
Is this what you want?

I think speaking with your sponsor is probably a good idea too?

D

MythOfSisyphus

It's good to see around again, Acheleus. Sounds like you're in a pickle. It can suck to be alone but being with someone that's not good for you isn't much better.

Ruby2

Ach, good to see you. What Dee said. If you are serious about your recovery you may seriously need to put some distance between you and this person.

When I relapsed last year it was after my husband relapsed. He told me he could drink, that he wasn't an alcoholic, but that I was and I couldn't drink. He was only half right. He is an alcoholic. It was a real struggle getting back to recovery with his drinking around and we ended up separating for a month or so. You may need the distance too.

Good to see you here.

JanieJ

Hi, Acheleus.

Relationships should not be in any way scary, hun, not the slightest bit scary.

As others have said, is this what you want for yourself ?

I think you deserve better x

Hawkeye13

Ach I'm glad to hear from you too.

If this person is not in recovery, is scaring you and maybe
impeding your recovery, you need to think about stepping back
from the relationship without a doubt.

A relationship should never be causing you fear. That isn't love.

Take care of you, and allow this person the room to choose to
take care of herself.

You can't do her recovery for her, and you should always put yours
as a priority for yourself.

Soberwolf

Well done on your near 3 months of sobriety

Mountainmanbob

Dating ones in early recovery
let's face it the odds are stacked against us

Best to always put our sobriety first
and be prepared to run if needed

Just sitting here on the mountain
sounds to be needed

Dee brought up a good point
just because I love someone
does not mean that I should be with them

MM

PurpleKnight

Might be time to focus solely on you and your Sobriety Ach!!

Great to hear from you!!

Nuudawn

Ache...I too started dating someone at about 2 months sober. I'm not anymore. Much has changed but what I realized?

I will NOT date anyone else until I am happy with self..until I have self actualized my own worth (personally and financially).

Relationships are so complicated ..and we..as addicts essentially...well, we can get ourselves all messed up about what is love..and what is actually "addiction" or codependent behaviour.

The only thing I will say..that I think is completely "doable" no matter how you slice it ..is

YOUR sobriety comes first. No matter what...no matter how. Make sure your sobriety is connected and healthy and you are "working it"...

Relationships can be "all consuming" and can veer us off path.

Sobriety...protect it ...at all costs.

least

Good to see you again! I would say to take a good look at this relationship. Is this how you want to live? Doesn't sound like fun to me.

Jupiters

it took me a LONG LONG time to pound that into my head.
I stayed in a toxic relationship for far too long b/c I couldn't get THIS.

Anna

Lots of good advice here, Achelus. It sounds like this relationship may not be a good thing for you.

Congratulations on your recovery and I'm glad you're back.

IOAA2

These are pearls of information.

BE WELL

Mountainmanbob

12 years for me
I used her
she used me
neither one cared
MM

firstymer

No advice to give you, Ach. I just wanted to say that I am glad you are back. It is good to have you here with us again.

Aellyce

I also learned this the hard way in my 30's. Still would call him "the love of my life" years later. He is still and active alcoholic. I think at least in part, in my case, I was confusing intimacy with insanity, but whatever it was, not good for either of us in the long run. I would still be "looking for him" everywhere and in everyone, for years. I am so glad to be free of that now confidently 100%. But it was hard and I probably should have left earlier and not sacrifice so much time and energy. I also could never quit drinking while I was with him and even after, while I was still obsessed with both him and alcohol.

I am now in a new relationship and while I was very cautious and reluctant at first, finally decided to give it a go because it just felt so different... in every aspect, including the way we are attracted to each-other. It's fresh, but it feels real, healthy and relaxing vs. the other one that was characterized with constant obsession, agitation, emotional turmoil, and living in a fantasy.

Think about it, it's easy to spend years of our lives in a wrong universe.

Acheleus

going to a meeting tonight with a friend. Pretty sure I will drink if I leave this person and drink if I stay.. It's a pickle.

Dee74

I think you're setting yourself up to be a victim here.
Regardless of what you decide relationship wise, you can decide not to drink.

On the scale of things it's a pretty weak excuse for drinking again, Ach.

Ask for help at the meeting, man.
D