sparrow15

Hello again,

My last post last week felt like rock bottom. The second I posted it I regretted even admitting to how far I have let myself fall. But SR always responds in a way that gives me such clarity. Most days I need to hear the harsh truths.

The next day, with a couple hours of rest from my breakdown, I resolved to pick myself up and act in a way that would make me proud. The only way I was going to forgive myself for letting my XABF get to me and spending an entire day wallowing and acting quite borderline was if I didn't let myself get that way again.

I took space. I went no contact for 6 days!!! And I actually felt good about it!! I actually didn't feel the compulsive need to be involved. I resolved to "Let go and Let god." For a long time during my codependency I lost sight of my HP. I was mad at God for letting all of these things happen to me. For bringing such a toxic person into my life when He should have known I wouldn't be able to handle it and that I would get stuck.

In the last month that I have finally become aware that XBF was an addict, I realized I was codie and began to realize that it was not God who kept me stuck. It was me. It was me who was missing all the signs to get out and have more self respect for me. I think if God saw what I put up with He would cry at how much I let myself be battered and bruised.

Today's post comes from a sad place. I answered the phone today when AXBF called. I let him tell me about his health problem and I let him upset me by telling me about his new girlfriend. And once again, I began to act low and desperate and defeated,. I lied to him and told him I had health problems too and I told him I was also seeing someone as well just so that it would make him mad. This is what upsets me most . I lied about myself. As if I couldn't just be proud of being me....I am healthy (relatively) and happy (most of the time) and above all at peace...I am slowly succeeding at loving myself and working on being alone. And that should be enough. That should make him angry. And I shouldn't feel like I am less of a person for being alone. I am actually doing better without him. All of my scars are healing without him. And by answering that phone, I just opened them all up and let them bleed again.

Here's to taking it a day at a time. Today was not my best moment. Apparently I still need convincing that this fire burns. Tomorrow will be better. Maybe this time I will make to 7 days.....feeling hopeful. Taking back me
Letting go and letting God. And hoping that He will forgive me for taking so long to find Him again and that its still taking me so long to stick up for me again.

NotSoSmart

Hi... I hope you make it to 7. I am right there with you in dealing with my ex. I have found that I do way better with limited to no communication. Today is day 4 with no phone contact; I have been doing texts but it is easier for me to remain detached and light and polite over text. Although tonight when she told me she was thinking of getting a dog and has been looking at the shelters I just about died thinking "poor dog!". But again I understand that if I take texts I am still opening up that tiny window for Too Much Information, whether I want it or not.
I understand where you're coming from. I was having a great day Sat, full of Al Anon fellowship and i was feeling great. All it took was one call from her and down went my mood. My part in that is taking the call - so I put her number on reject for a couple days until I felt better. I could keep it on reject indefinitely if I needed to. God bless the person who showed me that feature on my phone!
My sponsor told me it is OK to put myself first, to take care of me first. You don't have to answer the phone if you don't want to, and if you do, that's OK. Your HP will give you another crack at doing something different another time.