update...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Nowhere, VA
Posts: 540
update...
Hello All!
I have not been on here for a while...I've been avoiding it. Working something things out in my head. Trying to pull myself up out of survival mode.
There is a confession I have to make. I think deep down I expected everything to just fall in place when I left exabf. I don't know why, maybe it was the only thing that was making me brave enough to leave. But when things didn't fall into place I did get depressed. Never once did I want to return to exabf but I was a little deflated that my life didn't become 100% together over night.
I'm still struggling a little bit. I am struggling with not showing my self-worth, like at work. I had an evaluation last week and instead of having prepared reasons and a prepared number in my head for a raise, I simply said I'd like one. Don't do that. I had high expectations and I was disappointed. I still received a raise but not what I was expecting, but I didn't communicate those expectations either.
I am a little behind in my studies with school, but I will catch up in the next couple of days. The internet was cut off for a month at the house and my mom was nice enough to turn it back on (it is her bf's bill).
I am still living with my mom, and its easy and tough at the same time. Its great help with DD and financially. But she and her bf argue frequently so that is stressful.
DD is adjusting well, her weekend visits with exabf are confusing her a little though. I get frustrated with him because he tries to fill up their time with so much activity that she comes home exhausted. She also sees it as the fun house I think. But none of that has anything to do with me right at this moment.
She has acted out a few times at school since the overnight visits have started so I've been watching that closely. She does randomly get upset from time to time over little things, but I don't know if its from all the change or from being 3.
So....that's what is going on as of now.
I'm also seeing someone (I think Ive mentioned this before) casually, we see each other when we both don't have our kids. He's very laid back and sweet, and that is confusing! I am aiming to have no expectations out of whatever we are doing. Not easy, but much more enjoyable!
I have not been on here for a while...I've been avoiding it. Working something things out in my head. Trying to pull myself up out of survival mode.
There is a confession I have to make. I think deep down I expected everything to just fall in place when I left exabf. I don't know why, maybe it was the only thing that was making me brave enough to leave. But when things didn't fall into place I did get depressed. Never once did I want to return to exabf but I was a little deflated that my life didn't become 100% together over night.
I'm still struggling a little bit. I am struggling with not showing my self-worth, like at work. I had an evaluation last week and instead of having prepared reasons and a prepared number in my head for a raise, I simply said I'd like one. Don't do that. I had high expectations and I was disappointed. I still received a raise but not what I was expecting, but I didn't communicate those expectations either.
I am a little behind in my studies with school, but I will catch up in the next couple of days. The internet was cut off for a month at the house and my mom was nice enough to turn it back on (it is her bf's bill).
I am still living with my mom, and its easy and tough at the same time. Its great help with DD and financially. But she and her bf argue frequently so that is stressful.
DD is adjusting well, her weekend visits with exabf are confusing her a little though. I get frustrated with him because he tries to fill up their time with so much activity that she comes home exhausted. She also sees it as the fun house I think. But none of that has anything to do with me right at this moment.
She has acted out a few times at school since the overnight visits have started so I've been watching that closely. She does randomly get upset from time to time over little things, but I don't know if its from all the change or from being 3.
So....that's what is going on as of now.
I'm also seeing someone (I think Ive mentioned this before) casually, we see each other when we both don't have our kids. He's very laid back and sweet, and that is confusing! I am aiming to have no expectations out of whatever we are doing. Not easy, but much more enjoyable!
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I think deep down I expected everything to just fall in place when I left exabf. I don't know why, maybe it was the only thing that was making me brave enough to leave. But when things didn't fall into place I did get depressed. Never once did I want to return to exabf but I was a little deflated that my life didn't become 100% together over night.
With work and school and your daughter, you sound pretty busy. Do you have time for therapy, or Al-Anon?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Nowhere, VA
Posts: 540
Thank you! I have been going to a psychiatrist because I take meds for depression/anxiety and ADD so that's been a good person to talk to every now and then. I don't have money to go to another therapist but I should look into al-anon again. I talk to my brother a lot and he helps, hes grounded.
What really helps is not diving into an argument with them...even just by text. I don't involve my feelings with exabf, I only look out for DD's benefit. Other aspects of my life though, I have been focusing on if the choices ahead are going to be good for me or not good for me, and I've been trying to go with my instincts. That's a process though!
What really helps is not diving into an argument with them...even just by text. I don't involve my feelings with exabf, I only look out for DD's benefit. Other aspects of my life though, I have been focusing on if the choices ahead are going to be good for me or not good for me, and I've been trying to go with my instincts. That's a process though!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 303
Yes, I did the same thing, but that was just my character defect of denial shining through. Me still trying to reign in the chaos and control him. If I couldn't control him in marriage, what made me think I could start controlling him after divorce?
But truly-- when I put things in God's hands, it works out. Not usually the way I would have planned it, but better and easier.
It's hard coming out of denial, but life is so much better without it.
But truly-- when I put things in God's hands, it works out. Not usually the way I would have planned it, but better and easier.
It's hard coming out of denial, but life is so much better without it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Hi,
You are in the thick of it right now. The tough part. School, a job where you are not paid enough and living with mom. School will end, you will get a better job with that degree and maybe move into a place of your own. All these things are temporary.
Good Luck!
You are in the thick of it right now. The tough part. School, a job where you are not paid enough and living with mom. School will end, you will get a better job with that degree and maybe move into a place of your own. All these things are temporary.
Good Luck!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Something I do that helps me... If it's not urgent, I refuse to answer baiting emails from my ex for 24 hours. It gives me time to think it over and respond with my feet under me. It also keeps him from getting my response and firing off a rejoinder while he's still mad.
It helps a lot, and it's my boundary, 100% under my control.
The thing about counseling is that it offers perspective. It doesn't change your circumstances, it changes you. If you can't afford it, I totally get it. Try yoga, meditation, something to make you feel ease. Meditation works wonders for me.
It helps a lot, and it's my boundary, 100% under my control.
The thing about counseling is that it offers perspective. It doesn't change your circumstances, it changes you. If you can't afford it, I totally get it. Try yoga, meditation, something to make you feel ease. Meditation works wonders for me.
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