drinking in the morning
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,022
drinking in the morning
Haven't posted in a long while. I don't know why, things aren't getting better. He is going to AA, has tried to get a sponsor, goes to counseling, the whole nine yards. Still believes I have and am unfaithful. Yesterday we had a big blow out. He was on day five....i started the fight and just kept pushing it even though he tried to back out. I don't know why I did that. He drank and is drinking now. He started again this morning. Took beer into the shower. The kids saw him. We've been going through this rollercoaster for about a year now. I don't know what to do. He is drinking now. AT WORK....he says drinking in the morning helps with his hangover. He told me a couple months ago that he was feeling the urge to drink in the morning and it scared him. Now he officially has, as of this morning. I feel so powerless and worthless. I feel like I'm going to be lost without him and I don't want to lose him. But I'm losing this fight. The drinking only adds to his paranoia about me being unfaithful. He tells me I'm beautiful all the time, but told me yesterday that he only says it so I won't want to go get "attention" from other sources. I've been doing my mediation and tai chi. I quit my job so I could complete my RN...im an LPN now. We have 5 children...they see what is going on and are resentful of him. I'm so sick of crying. I'm so sick of hurting. I do go to counseling..it helps. Just not enough I guess. Thanks for the vent. I wish it made me feel as better as I hoped it would.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I am sorry you are going through so much. He is an addict and has apparently not faced that he cannot pick up, even once.
I hope you continue your education if possible and get your children into counseling as that resentment can breed into a whole new beast as they grow older. I have my children w/a counselor who specializes in helping families with addiction, it has been a wonderful help for them and for me too.
I do encourage you to build up a fund so you have some of your own resources should you ever need them.
I am so sorry.
Tight hugs, we are here for you!
I hope you continue your education if possible and get your children into counseling as that resentment can breed into a whole new beast as they grow older. I have my children w/a counselor who specializes in helping families with addiction, it has been a wonderful help for them and for me too.
I do encourage you to build up a fund so you have some of your own resources should you ever need them.
I am so sorry.
Tight hugs, we are here for you!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
You're witnessing the progressive nature of alcoholism. Without recovery, it only goes in one direction.
It sounds like you're struggling with defending yourself against his accusations of infidelity. That's pretty typical, too -- if he can keep you focused on making sure you don't do anything to make him angry/suspicious, you're spending your energy on that rather than on building yourself up.
Do you have any support? Friends, family? Because it sounds like you're feeling really stuck, like you don't have options -- but you do. You don't have an obligation to sit by and witness his downward spiral.
It sounds like you're struggling with defending yourself against his accusations of infidelity. That's pretty typical, too -- if he can keep you focused on making sure you don't do anything to make him angry/suspicious, you're spending your energy on that rather than on building yourself up.
Do you have any support? Friends, family? Because it sounds like you're feeling really stuck, like you don't have options -- but you do. You don't have an obligation to sit by and witness his downward spiral.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You handed him an excuse to drink. He didn't drink BECAUSE of the fight, but you handed him a rationalization he will use.
You can't stop his drinking or his paranoia. What are you doing for yourself?
I'd be surprised if this is the first time he's ever drunk in the morning. He made it a point for you to see it this morning, that's all. Getting a dig in. "Look what you made me do."
He is perfectly capable of getting his butt to a meeting. And all it takes to get a sponsor is to raise your hand at a meeting and say, "I need a sponsor." Most people who do that are inundated with volunteers.
Are you going to Al-Anon? If not, now would be a very good time to start.
You can't stop his drinking or his paranoia. What are you doing for yourself?
I'd be surprised if this is the first time he's ever drunk in the morning. He made it a point for you to see it this morning, that's all. Getting a dig in. "Look what you made me do."
He is perfectly capable of getting his butt to a meeting. And all it takes to get a sponsor is to raise your hand at a meeting and say, "I need a sponsor." Most people who do that are inundated with volunteers.
Are you going to Al-Anon? If not, now would be a very good time to start.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 39
The first thing my husband does every morning is smoke some grass - the first drink isn't far behind. We work together (run a small business) and go home for lunch, and he smokes and drinks some more. When we come home in the evening, he smokes and drinks until he goes to bed. I recently caught him sneaking vodka into the office in my canning jars, so he's drinking at work, too...smoking grass must be too obvious. I don't say anything to him anymore because he makes it a point not to drink in front of me, but absolutely no one needs to go to the bathroom or into the garage as often as he does (and of course I can smell it on him, no matter how often he brushes his teeth). He doesn't bother trying to hide the pot from me, I guess because there's no way to hide the smell.
I know this doesn't help you, but you're not alone.
I know this doesn't help you, but you're not alone.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 154
*hugs*
Watching the progression of this disease is truly devastating. I'm so sorry things are so hard.
Can I point out a few things I see going on here?
Regarding the fight: this is something addicts to do justify their using. While it wasn't exactly healthy for you to exacerbate the fight (but, maybe some venting felt good anyway?), what he CHOSE do to after was his choice. He didn't have to drink. If he has been going to AA, working a program, etc. he should have some tools to fight his urges to drink (I.e. Calling a sponsor). But he chose not to. He got exactly what he needed for you--a reason to drink--and ran with it. This shows he is not giving recovery the commitment he needs to in order to recover. This is not YOUR FAULT. You can't make him drink just the same as you can't make him not drink.
What concerns me about the situation is that you're giving his nonsense enough energy to even bother to fight. Anything a drunk (or dry drunk) says is BS, and isn't worth your time. Part of working on ourselves in counseling and through healthy activities is learning that we don't have to engage with the A. We have our own lives! We have better things to do! We will not waste our time!
Also, the manipulation with the you cheating thing! Just another way of him wanting to push your buttons. Misery loves company. He is looking for a reaction from you. Next time he does that, just let it go. When he stopped getting the desired response, he'll stop taunting you. Classic bullying behavior.
Watching the progression of this disease is truly devastating. I'm so sorry things are so hard.
Can I point out a few things I see going on here?
Regarding the fight: this is something addicts to do justify their using. While it wasn't exactly healthy for you to exacerbate the fight (but, maybe some venting felt good anyway?), what he CHOSE do to after was his choice. He didn't have to drink. If he has been going to AA, working a program, etc. he should have some tools to fight his urges to drink (I.e. Calling a sponsor). But he chose not to. He got exactly what he needed for you--a reason to drink--and ran with it. This shows he is not giving recovery the commitment he needs to in order to recover. This is not YOUR FAULT. You can't make him drink just the same as you can't make him not drink.
What concerns me about the situation is that you're giving his nonsense enough energy to even bother to fight. Anything a drunk (or dry drunk) says is BS, and isn't worth your time. Part of working on ourselves in counseling and through healthy activities is learning that we don't have to engage with the A. We have our own lives! We have better things to do! We will not waste our time!
Also, the manipulation with the you cheating thing! Just another way of him wanting to push your buttons. Misery loves company. He is looking for a reaction from you. Next time he does that, just let it go. When he stopped getting the desired response, he'll stop taunting you. Classic bullying behavior.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,022
Thank you. I guess what really scares me is that he was a very severe A before I started dating him. He has hated, and I really mean hated, God for a long time before I met him. He told me that one day while he was at work, God told him ( and this is so unlike him to say because of his hatred towards God) that he didn't have to drink anymore. And he quit. Just like that. No urges, no dry drunk crap. Nothing. He told me that if he ever went back to drinking that we should just get a divorce because his drinking always came first. Even when he was sober, he always thought I was unfaithful. For no real reason...we are going on 6 years of being together and in that amount of time I have "slept" with over 10 people.....including the checker at the gas station, my microbiology instructor, my ex....the list goes on. So I'm dealing with the jealousy and controlling stuff on top of the drinking now. He says he went back to drinking because when my ex died last year, I was sad and that proved to him that I loved my ex more than him. I know that sounds so incredibly stupid, but to him, it seems to make good solid sense. Now the drinking. When I write this down, all the signs point to...just get the hell out, right? I believe I need to have a serious discussion with God and find out why I feel that I deserve this treatment. He calls me a ***** and a **** a lot. My girls hear him say it....what kind of example am I setting for them? He has grown to love God now, and wants to be close to him, but doesn't know how. He told me that he wants to break the cycle of alcoholism in his family so our kids and their kids don't have to suffer "our" fate. I hate admitting this stuff because it makes him so monstrous and how could I love a monster. No one sees the good natured, loving side of him that the kids and I see. He loves hiking, playing board games with the kids, laughing with them, cuddling, doing home improvements. He is a family man. I love that about him......ahhhhhh....he shoved me last night.....told me I was a **** and always will be a ****. told me I killed off my ex. I want to smile again.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I feel so powerless and worthless.
you ARE powerless....of his drinking. you can't make him stop, and you can't make him WANT to stop. but you dont have to live like this either.
because you DO have worth. and you are deserving a better atmosphere and environment, both you and the children.
your AH can move a fridge into the bathroom if he likes, and then never have to leave. what does he do where he can drink before and AT work?
you ARE powerless....of his drinking. you can't make him stop, and you can't make him WANT to stop. but you dont have to live like this either.
because you DO have worth. and you are deserving a better atmosphere and environment, both you and the children.
your AH can move a fridge into the bathroom if he likes, and then never have to leave. what does he do where he can drink before and AT work?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 154
I feel like we, the partners to an addict, have so much invested in the addict that we cling to the things we love, or used to love about them, and ignore the reality. In between drinking in the AM and verbally abusing you, you two are enjoying lovely little hikes? So what! Profession progression progression. If the things that you love about him now are strung between episodes of abuse, what is going to happen when his drinking gets worse? I can guarantee that his hiking and "good parenting" and interest in home improvements will fade away.
You are right--your girls are growing up in an environment that is unhealthy. And the more you let go of the good things he sometimes does and accept the reality of how things are now, the more opportunities you will have to give yourself and them a better life.
You are right--your girls are growing up in an environment that is unhealthy. And the more you let go of the good things he sometimes does and accept the reality of how things are now, the more opportunities you will have to give yourself and them a better life.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,022
Yes, I guess we teach people how to treat us. I'm probably just as messed up as he is, because I am the idiot who is sticking around with my dumb sob story. I do see progression. His relapses are further apart. My therapist said that relapse is part of recovery. He's been working on his name calling and anger.i think I will go to alanon and just detach myself from him for a while. Thanks for all the words of wisdom. I needed the reality check. My rose colored glasses were on
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
He is NOT a "good family man." He may not be a "monster" but he is a very sick, deranged, dangerous person. He is harming you and your children on a daily basis.
Your children ARE soaking this up, and it is hurting them. Do you want to grow up and think this is OK? To have to go through years of therapy to undo the damage? I know that you don't, but that is what is likely to happen unless you take some firm action to keep yourself and them safe.
This is VERY serious stuff, and a much bigger deal than taking a beer into the shower with him. Please make a call to the DV hotline and talk to an advocate or counselor there. Please.
Your children ARE soaking this up, and it is hurting them. Do you want to grow up and think this is OK? To have to go through years of therapy to undo the damage? I know that you don't, but that is what is likely to happen unless you take some firm action to keep yourself and them safe.
This is VERY serious stuff, and a much bigger deal than taking a beer into the shower with him. Please make a call to the DV hotline and talk to an advocate or counselor there. Please.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
My therapist said that relapse is part of recovery.
The successfully recovering alcoholics I know don't use that excuse. Some of them have taken relapses, but I have never, ever heard an alcoholic say "oh it's just part of the recovery." No. It's a screwup in recovery.
And I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but not everyone who calls on God's name is a good person. I'm not saying you can't be a godly person and have an addiction problem, but I can tell you this -- I don't care how many ****s ended up in your text: A GODLY MAN DOES NOT CALL HIS WIFE THOSE NAMES.
I'm not faulting you for staying. I stayed for the better part of two decades with a man who treated me like crap. I know how hard it is. Beating yourself up because you can't right now work up the courage to leave isn't helping -- it's just sinking you more.
You have an absolute right to a life that isn't ruled by another person's poor choices. And I don't care if you say it's "better" -- it's still abuse. You don't deserve that. (((hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,099
Freetosmile, good job on going for your RN! I am an LPN now also and want to get my RN. I had to distance myself from my a for my own sanity so I understand what you are going through. I didn't have kids with him so it made it easier to walk away. I'm sure it is that much more difficult when you have children together. Keep working on you and keep coming here. Good luck with getting your RN. That will open a lot of doors for you 
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,099
Freetosmile, good job on going for your RN! I am an LPN now also and want to get my RN. I had to distance myself from my a for my own sanity so I understand what you are going through. I didn't have kids with him so it made it easier to walk away. I'm sure it is that much more difficult when you have children together. Keep working on you and keep coming here. Good luck with getting your RN. That will open a lot of doors for you
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,099
Freetosmile, good job on going for your RN! I am an LPN now also and want to get my RN. I had to distance myself from my a for my own sanity so I understand what you are going through. I didn't have kids with him so it made it easier to walk away. I'm sure it is that much more difficult when you have children together. Keep working on you and keep coming here. Good luck with getting your RN. That will open a lot of doors for you
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,022
Originally Posted by LexieCat 
He is NOT a "good family man." He may not be a "monster" but he is a very sick, deranged, dangerous person. He is harming you and your children on a daily basis.
Your children ARE soaking this up, and it is hurting them. Do you want to grow up and think this is OK? To have to go through years of therapy to undo the damage? I know that you don't, but that is what is likely to happen unless you take some firm action to keep yourself and them safe.
This is VERY serious stuff, and a much bigger deal than taking a beer into the shower with him. Please make a call to the DV hotline and talk to an advocate or counselor there. Please.
Your children ARE soaking this up, and it is hurting them. Do you want to grow up and think this is OK? To have to go through years of therapy to undo the damage? I know that you don't, but that is what is likely to happen unless you take some firm action to keep yourself and them safe.
This is VERY serious stuff, and a much bigger deal than taking a beer into the shower with him. Please make a call to the DV hotline and talk to an advocate or counselor there. Please.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Where is their mom? Is she in the picture?
I dunno, seems to me that protecting them would be a priority over losing contact with them. What they are witnessing their father do is extremely harmful to them.
The cycle can stop with you. Talk to an advocate, who can help you figure out a solution that will protect the kids, as well as you. They don't have to suffer the way you did. Once you get everyone safe, you can work on healing from your childhood issues, too.
I care, I want to see you and your family safe and healthy. Someone has to make the first move, though, and I'd much rather see it be you than have CPS coming in to pick up the pieces after something really bad happens to you.
I dunno, seems to me that protecting them would be a priority over losing contact with them. What they are witnessing their father do is extremely harmful to them.
The cycle can stop with you. Talk to an advocate, who can help you figure out a solution that will protect the kids, as well as you. They don't have to suffer the way you did. Once you get everyone safe, you can work on healing from your childhood issues, too.
I care, I want to see you and your family safe and healthy. Someone has to make the first move, though, and I'd much rather see it be you than have CPS coming in to pick up the pieces after something really bad happens to you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 276
It is very harmful to your kids that he calls you names, shoves you and drinks in front of them. You can talk to them about never accepting this kind of relationship when they get older but they will gravitate to it because it will be comfortable and familiar.
It sounds like his jealous/violent behavior is escalating. Please do all you can to keep yourself safe. NOBODY THAT TREATS HIS WIFE THIS WAY IS SAFE TO BE AROUND. Or a "family man".
It sounds like his jealous/violent behavior is escalating. Please do all you can to keep yourself safe. NOBODY THAT TREATS HIS WIFE THIS WAY IS SAFE TO BE AROUND. Or a "family man".
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
