tonsoffaith

Soooo, he hit a wall just over a month ago and agreed after more than 25 years to get treatment. He seems determined to make good of it now. He's been home for just a week. He says every moment is a rollercoaster, and I get that. He started back at work yesterday. I'm trying not to bug him and trying not to take it personal, but gheez! He's so distant. I kind of expected him to be looking forward to....me....even a little. Anybody have pointers on do's, don'ts, things to say, not to say??? I know it's probably not fair or reasonable, but I'm feeling a bit disappointed.

hopeful4

I think this is a pretty common occurrence after rehab. They are so disoriented and have went through such a roller coaster that they don't know what to do with themselves.

My advise is to encourage and step back and let him work himself out. Give it a little time and try to not take it too personally.

XXX

lillamy

I think it's common among friends and family to think that "if he just stops drinking..."

Someone here told me that addiction is fourfold: It's a physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual addiction, and recovery also needs to happen on all four levels. Rehab is just the beginning -- like getting a drivers license. This is when the real work starts, when he has to keep working on his recovery and deal with the stressors of everyday life. That's where the rubber meets the road.

I never got to see AXH in recovery, so I have no first-hand stories to share. But I've heard from other F&F that it is a rough ride, and that the best thing you can do is focus on YOU and your recovery.

(((hugs)))

LexieCat

I wouldn't expect much, if anything, from him at this point, at least in terms of "togetherness." Hopefully he follows recommended aftercare (AA meetings, etc.), but you can't get involved in that (suggesting, reminding, etc.). You'll see soon enough if he is serious about recovery.

What are you doing for YOU?

CodeJob

The phrase one day at a time gets old fast doesn't it!?

Glad he's home, working and sober!

While you are in the secondary tier of his interests, work on you.

tonsoffaith

Oh thank you so much for your responses! My gosh I didn't realize I needed to cry until just this very minute!

What am I doing for me...... I don't know what I need!? I haven't really thought that I've needed anything. I'm just still going about being a mom and working and being involved in my church. I don't know....do I need something? I feel like kind of a boob blubbering right now. Millions of people are so much worse off than me. Thank you so much for your support. It feels like a much needed hug.

lillamy

I think Al-Anon would be helpful for you.

I know that I thought AXH quitting drinking would solve my problems. But I found -- and I still find -- that when they say alcoholism is a family disease, they're not kidding. One person's alcoholism affects everyone else in the family, and the coping mechanisms I developed during my alcoholic marriage were weird, strange, unhealthy, and not normal.

I think that's a good thing you could do for you, and for your family.

hopeful4

Honey, it's not a contest about who is the worst off. Know that right away.

You want to be the best person and mom you can be! Does your church or any surrounding church have a Celebrate Recovery? If so....go! I credit CR for my sanity lol. Alanon is a good thing too.

We stuff feelings and go on about our business, but eventually they can boil over. It's much better to deal with them in a healthy way when they do come up. So if you need to cry, go ahead! That's absolutely ok!

I am so glad you are here. You are not alone, we here at SR will support you all the way!

LexieCat

I TOTALLY recommend Al-Anon. It will keep YOU sane, regardless of what he does. If he commits to recovery--great, both of you will be more or less on the same page (though not necessarily at the same time!). If he isn't quite there yet, you need to keep your wits around you and to focus on what your needs are, and your kiddos' needs.

You can do a LOT to take care of you, regardless of what he does. We all hope he gets better, but you can get better whether he does or not.

And yes, it isn't a contest to see who has "suffered more." Living in an alcoholic relationship is difficult even when the alcoholic remains employed, when there is no abuse, and when you have your own money in the bank. It messes with your head.

Hugs are available here 24/7, and the in-person kind can be had at your local Al-Anon group.

tonsoffaith

Thanks hopeful14. We do have a Celebrate Recovery group. I will go for sure. I didn't know that was for me - I thought it was more for the alcoholics. And thanks Lillamy. I will check out the Alanon as well. I did get a schedule of local meetings while my H was in treatment. People have asked me if I've gone to Alanon and I've said that I was open to it but didn't really see a need. I guess maybe I do have a need and I just didn't realize it until just now...

dandylion

tonsoffaith....please, please educate yourself as to what to expect in early recovery (1st year , at minimum). It seems that most people go into this blindfolded.

I have come to think that everyone would be better off if the alcoholic and family lived separately for the first year, at least. More humane, that way.

The more you know about what to expect---the less you get bumswaggled by unrealistic expectations....both yours and his.

Go ahead and cry. Nothing wrong with that!

dandylion

biminiblue

I'm going to address how I felt when I first got sober.


It was all I could do to hold it together. Any tiny thing that didn't go as planned caused my crazy newly-sober brain to nearly panic. I live alone, thank God. I made my days as vanilla as was humanly possible. I was holding on by a very thin thread for a couple months.

Calm and quiet, calm and quiet. Favorite food. TV. AA meetings. That was the extent of how much stress I could take. It's a really difficult experience.

dandylion

biminiblue....you make MY point very well!!!!!!!!!! (about living apart).

I imagine, in my mind, that it must feel somewhat like we women feel when we have severe PMS (times 10).
(somebody just shoot me).

dandylion

lillamy

At every Al-Anon meeting, we say "take what you can use and leave the rest." For me, in the beginning, the most important support function Al-Anon filled was to give me a place where I didn't feel alone. Because I felt surrounded by "normal" people and very lonely in this alcoholic family place with my "normal" friends. It took me probably... oh, maybe ten meetings before I felt like I belonged. But once I did, it was a safe place to listen, talk, cry, laugh -- with other people who got it.

I could say "I wish he would just die" in those meetings, and nobody would bat an eye. I could cry about how I always went alone to the kids' sporting events and people would nod in recognition. There was nothing I could say that made people go "oh well you're weird" -- and I needed that. I needed a place where I could feel that I wasn't alone in all of this.

That was the beginning for me. I didn't seriously start working a program until I had been going there for a couple of years. I didn't get a sponsor until I left AXH.

There are no "musts" in Al-Anon. I didn't think I needed it either. But I knew I needed something -- and Al-Anon was free and I could go during my lunch hour and didn't have to tell AXH. That's how I ended up there. And I never left.

meggem

I remember his first week(s) home from rehab. It is very strange for everyone and I really did expect him to come home fixed and he hadn't even scratched the surface really.

I can relate to how you are feeling and I felt the same way. I wish I had made counselng or alanon a priority. I have now, but it's a year later. Looking back I wish did that sooner.

FireSprite

Tons - my RAH was in recovery for many months before anything felt even a little bit settled. We had a very difficult time communicating in early recovery because we were both in the same situation but had different needs. It was hard for me to comprehend that - that what I needed didn't work for him & what he needed, I couldn't really understand. To some extent, it felt like the same kind of selfish behavior he'd shown BEFORE recovery.... and you know what? That's not so far off base, recovery IS a selfish act because it HAS to be.

Time & space were what we both needed most. I didn't realize how much *I* needed it though, I was still in the mindset that my "to-do's" were tied to his needs. SR helped me out of that FOG.

hopeful4

Ahhh...I did not realize CR was for me either! I thought I was going in advance to get my then husband set up for when he came out of rehab. Little did I know, it was just what I needed to support me too! It has been a wonderful experience for myself and has been a positive for my X husband too.

I hope you give it a try!

WMJ1012

The Chapter in AA's Big Book gives a lot of great pointers about this, as does the Chapter "The Family Afterward". As a matter of fact, that book has all your answers as well as his.