Hello everyone
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,222
Hello everyone
This is my first post so thought I would make it a long one having finally made the realisation that I needed to stop this madness.
What made me finally realise? Dizzy spells during the day, a life constantly in and out of control, constantly tired, irritable, the odd panic feeling and finally a 48 hour bender that saw me drink more than I ever though possible....followed by not coming home, a drunken affair and a feeling of enormous guilt.
A little about me....from outside perspective first: I am in my mid 40's. Divorced and remarried. One child with each wife. Living with my current wife and son who is three years old. My first son lives on the other side of the world and is 11 years old. I have a successful career and am currently CEO of a technology organisation. Driven and focused and seen to be successful. I also say fit, am not overweight and have various circles of friends. I have not hurt anyone with my problem with the exceptions of my ex wife (to a limited degree) and my current wife (to a limited degree)
A little about me.....from an internal perspective:I have always been a heavy drinker and been routinely drunk (couple of times a week) for the past 20 years. I have had weeks where I drink every day though not always getting drunk. I have been arrested for DUI. Alcohol was a factor in my first marriage ending. My drinking has reduced in frequency as it needed to to control my job and family but on the days where I do drink it has become much more severe usually resulting in blackouts. Sometimes I don't make it home. I know that I can't keep juggling all these balls and I know that if I don't stop that sooner or later I will lose my job and probably my marriage. Remarkably, both are still strong and if I end now I can save this. Only I know how far my problem has descended.
I be honest, I have known for a long time that I have had a problem but I was looking to the physical signs of this and since my medical tests always came back clear I assumed that things were not so bad. Recently I read an article and read about the impacts of long term chronic drinking on the nervous system and a light went off. While my physical health has been ok I have been torturing my self mentally and now I realise that I am an alcoholic. Maybe not the kind of guy you see lying at the side of the street but certainly I have a long term problem of not being able to switch off when I start. To give another example while I NEVER drink at work I do start to think about drinking in the afternoons. I am buying a bottle of wine to have at dinner. Then after my wife goes to bed I am buying a second bottle. The maybe at 2am or 3am I am sometimes buying a few beers. Then up for work hungover at 7am or 8am or even 10am. This once a week during the week and much worse on Friday and Saturday nights.
As of last Sunday morning I will never touch a drop of alcohol again. Ever. In any circumstances. Going to AA is not an option for reasons I don't want to go into so I will do this by confiding fully in my wife, which I have done already and by seeking support from one or two friends.
Apologies for the long post but I figured I needed to start somewhere.
Paul
What made me finally realise? Dizzy spells during the day, a life constantly in and out of control, constantly tired, irritable, the odd panic feeling and finally a 48 hour bender that saw me drink more than I ever though possible....followed by not coming home, a drunken affair and a feeling of enormous guilt.
A little about me....from outside perspective first: I am in my mid 40's. Divorced and remarried. One child with each wife. Living with my current wife and son who is three years old. My first son lives on the other side of the world and is 11 years old. I have a successful career and am currently CEO of a technology organisation. Driven and focused and seen to be successful. I also say fit, am not overweight and have various circles of friends. I have not hurt anyone with my problem with the exceptions of my ex wife (to a limited degree) and my current wife (to a limited degree)
A little about me.....from an internal perspective:I have always been a heavy drinker and been routinely drunk (couple of times a week) for the past 20 years. I have had weeks where I drink every day though not always getting drunk. I have been arrested for DUI. Alcohol was a factor in my first marriage ending. My drinking has reduced in frequency as it needed to to control my job and family but on the days where I do drink it has become much more severe usually resulting in blackouts. Sometimes I don't make it home. I know that I can't keep juggling all these balls and I know that if I don't stop that sooner or later I will lose my job and probably my marriage. Remarkably, both are still strong and if I end now I can save this. Only I know how far my problem has descended.
I be honest, I have known for a long time that I have had a problem but I was looking to the physical signs of this and since my medical tests always came back clear I assumed that things were not so bad. Recently I read an article and read about the impacts of long term chronic drinking on the nervous system and a light went off. While my physical health has been ok I have been torturing my self mentally and now I realise that I am an alcoholic. Maybe not the kind of guy you see lying at the side of the street but certainly I have a long term problem of not being able to switch off when I start. To give another example while I NEVER drink at work I do start to think about drinking in the afternoons. I am buying a bottle of wine to have at dinner. Then after my wife goes to bed I am buying a second bottle. The maybe at 2am or 3am I am sometimes buying a few beers. Then up for work hungover at 7am or 8am or even 10am. This once a week during the week and much worse on Friday and Saturday nights.
As of last Sunday morning I will never touch a drop of alcohol again. Ever. In any circumstances. Going to AA is not an option for reasons I don't want to go into so I will do this by confiding fully in my wife, which I have done already and by seeking support from one or two friends.
Apologies for the long post but I figured I needed to start somewhere.
Paul
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: PA
Posts: 12,000
welcome ubntubnt, I can relate to a lot of what you say.
One day something happened to me that made me say I will never touch another drop.
And I haven't. It's tough going in the beginning, but if you are committed you can do it.
Look into AVRT. You definitely need to make some changes in your life. Especially in the early days.
One day something happened to me that made me say I will never touch another drop.
And I haven't. It's tough going in the beginning, but if you are committed you can do it.
Look into AVRT. You definitely need to make some changes in your life. Especially in the early days.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,222
thanks, I will check out AVRT. To be honest when I found the site read around it for an hour or so and wanted to post quickly to engage some folks as I knew it would help hold me here. I plan to read through in a lot more detail tonight and in the next few days. appreciate your reply.
I know that I need to make some changes. To be honest one of the hardest will be to part ways with my "drinking buddies". Actually, they are very good friends who I worked with previously but we have become almost exclusively drinking buddies in the past year or so. two of them are alcoholics in m y opinion but in denial. I know that I won't be able to see them in a social setting and stay off the booze so easier I don't see them for a while. When I pick up the courage I will explain why to them....just a little too embarrassed to do it now.
I know that I need to make some changes. To be honest one of the hardest will be to part ways with my "drinking buddies". Actually, they are very good friends who I worked with previously but we have become almost exclusively drinking buddies in the past year or so. two of them are alcoholics in m y opinion but in denial. I know that I won't be able to see them in a social setting and stay off the booze so easier I don't see them for a while. When I pick up the courage I will explain why to them....just a little too embarrassed to do it now.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
Hi
I understand a lot of what you are saying.
I know with the physical health stuff you mention, for me, I just got fed up of feeling sick and tired.
There was no big health warning sign. I was not yellow. My liver had not failed. However everyday I just felt grim. Its no way to exist.
I remember someone telling me about the 'yets' and that resonated with me.
I would say to try and defend my drinking things like 'I have never driven drunk' and that response back would be 'yet'. Meaning it could happen if I continued.
I have not lost my job through drink...yet.
I have not lost my home through drink...yet.
I have not lost my relationship through drink...yet.
The thoughts of drinking in the afternoon were the same for me too.
I would often wake up, think never again, yet my afternoon I was entertaining buying a half bottle of something. Then it went to a large bottle. Then the next morning I was back in the same place again.
I know you mention your friends, but my advice would be to to think too far ahead.
Just aim to get to the end of one day drink free and then do the same the next day.
How you feel now, will not be how you feel in a week, month or 6 months time.
You will get stronger and adapt better to life without alcohol.
That has certainly been the case for me.
I will be 3 years without a drink in Feb 2015.
If someone had told me 3 years ago I would get through milestone birthdays, break ups, hard times, holidays, weddings, work functions without a drink, I would of never believed them.
But I did and here I am with over a 1000 days without a drink.
And I would never go back now.
I wish you the best xx
I understand a lot of what you are saying.
I know with the physical health stuff you mention, for me, I just got fed up of feeling sick and tired.
There was no big health warning sign. I was not yellow. My liver had not failed. However everyday I just felt grim. Its no way to exist.
I remember someone telling me about the 'yets' and that resonated with me.
I would say to try and defend my drinking things like 'I have never driven drunk' and that response back would be 'yet'. Meaning it could happen if I continued.
I have not lost my job through drink...yet.
I have not lost my home through drink...yet.
I have not lost my relationship through drink...yet.
The thoughts of drinking in the afternoon were the same for me too.
I would often wake up, think never again, yet my afternoon I was entertaining buying a half bottle of something. Then it went to a large bottle. Then the next morning I was back in the same place again.
I know you mention your friends, but my advice would be to to think too far ahead.
Just aim to get to the end of one day drink free and then do the same the next day.
How you feel now, will not be how you feel in a week, month or 6 months time.
You will get stronger and adapt better to life without alcohol.
That has certainly been the case for me.
I will be 3 years without a drink in Feb 2015.
If someone had told me 3 years ago I would get through milestone birthdays, break ups, hard times, holidays, weddings, work functions without a drink, I would of never believed them.
But I did and here I am with over a 1000 days without a drink.
And I would never go back now.
I wish you the best xx
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Hi and welcome to what can be a wonderful part of your life.
I’m an AA advocate since it’s saved my and millions of lives worldwide. Most if not all rehabs and forums like this are based on it’s Philosophy which includes being honest with ourselves about our drinking. If we can do that accepting that we cannot drink in safety follows. Then the work begins by changing the person we were while drinking to avoid future relapses.
Alcoholism is progressive and never gets better if we pick up, usually much worse. It’s known to be powerful, Cunning, baffling and insidious.
I’d seriously reconsider your determination not to join the fellowship as we need all the tools we can gather for protection and survivability. As was said to me years ago we can take the easy way or the hard way, it’s our choice and can easily be life or death.
BE WELL
I’m an AA advocate since it’s saved my and millions of lives worldwide. Most if not all rehabs and forums like this are based on it’s Philosophy which includes being honest with ourselves about our drinking. If we can do that accepting that we cannot drink in safety follows. Then the work begins by changing the person we were while drinking to avoid future relapses.
Alcoholism is progressive and never gets better if we pick up, usually much worse. It’s known to be powerful, Cunning, baffling and insidious.
I’d seriously reconsider your determination not to join the fellowship as we need all the tools we can gather for protection and survivability. As was said to me years ago we can take the easy way or the hard way, it’s our choice and can easily be life or death.
BE WELL
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,222
Originally Posted by Sasha4 
Hi
I understand a lot of what you are saying.
I know with the physical health stuff you mention, for me, I just got fed up of feeling sick and tired.
There was no big health warning sign. I was not yellow. My liver had not failed. However everyday I just felt grim. Its no way to exist.
I remember someone telling me about the 'yets' and that resonated with me.
I would say to try and defend my drinking things like 'I have never driven drunk' and that response back would be 'yet'. Meaning it could happen if I continued.
I have not lost my job through drink...yet.
I have not lost my home through drink...yet.
I have not lost my relationship through drink...yet.
The thoughts of drinking in the afternoon were the same for me too.
I would often wake up, think never again, yet my afternoon I was entertaining buying a half bottle of something. Then it went to a large bottle. Then the next morning I was back in the same place again.
I know you mention your friends, but my advice would be to to think too far ahead.
Just aim to get to the end of one day drink free and then do the same the next day.
How you feel now, will not be how you feel in a week, month or 6 months time.
You will get stronger and adapt better to life without alcohol.
That has certainly been the case for me.
I will be 3 years without a drink in Feb 2015.
If someone had told me 3 years ago I would get through milestone birthdays, break ups, hard times, holidays, weddings, work functions without a drink, I would of never believed them.
But I did and here I am with over a 1000 days without a drink.
And I would never go back now.
I wish you the best xx
I understand a lot of what you are saying.
I know with the physical health stuff you mention, for me, I just got fed up of feeling sick and tired.
There was no big health warning sign. I was not yellow. My liver had not failed. However everyday I just felt grim. Its no way to exist.
I remember someone telling me about the 'yets' and that resonated with me.
I would say to try and defend my drinking things like 'I have never driven drunk' and that response back would be 'yet'. Meaning it could happen if I continued.
I have not lost my job through drink...yet.
I have not lost my home through drink...yet.
I have not lost my relationship through drink...yet.
The thoughts of drinking in the afternoon were the same for me too.
I would often wake up, think never again, yet my afternoon I was entertaining buying a half bottle of something. Then it went to a large bottle. Then the next morning I was back in the same place again.
I know you mention your friends, but my advice would be to to think too far ahead.
Just aim to get to the end of one day drink free and then do the same the next day.
How you feel now, will not be how you feel in a week, month or 6 months time.
You will get stronger and adapt better to life without alcohol.
That has certainly been the case for me.
I will be 3 years without a drink in Feb 2015.
If someone had told me 3 years ago I would get through milestone birthdays, break ups, hard times, holidays, weddings, work functions without a drink, I would of never believed them.
But I did and here I am with over a 1000 days without a drink.
And I would never go back now.
I wish you the best xx
The point regarding my friends was not so much that I didn't want to face telling them or even thinking of life without them....it was more about the void that will be created by not spending all those drunk filled hours sharing life with them and creating drunken bonds together. I am not saying that was healthy or good in any way but it is a reality that giving up the drink often leaves me feeling really bored and underwhelmed by life. I know this is just something I need to deal with. Find new hobbies and friends etc. Just a pity to have to not see some of my friends for a while...and I know is this for the best too.
It does bring me to another point. I am a native English speaker and I live in Asia, my wife is Asian. I don't speak the local language, can't watch the tv etc. As is often the cases, the life for the expat is frequently down the pub. My was and now it can't be. So I will need to find a way to fill those hours. But as you stay one step at a time.
Tonight I brought my wife for dinner and laid it all on the table again. I actually tried this a year or so ago and she kind of shrugged it off, didn't take it too seriously. Tonight I make sure she understood what she was dealing with and we agreed to also talk to two of my friends and fess up and hope that the three of them can be my immediate support circle....along with hopefully a few folks here.
Again, thanks for the reply, sorry for rambling. just thinking out loud.
Btw.....after a total bender like I had last weekend I tend to not want to drink for two nights and then the third crack....that third was tonight and had a nice alcohol free feed instead. I think my body needed it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,222
Originally Posted by IOAA2
Hi and welcome to what can be a wonderful part of your life.
I’m an AA advocate since it’s saved my and millions of lives worldwide. Most if not all rehabs and forums like this are based on it’s Philosophy which includes being honest with ourselves about our drinking. If we can do that accepting that we cannot drink in safety follows. Then the work begins by changing the person we were while drinking to avoid future relapses.
Alcoholism is progressive and never gets better if we pick up, usually much worse. It’s known to be powerful, Cunning, baffling and insidious.
I’d seriously reconsider your determination not to join the fellowship as we need all the tools we can gather for protection and survivability. As was said to me years ago we can take the easy way or the hard way, it’s our choice and can easily be life or death.
BE WELL
I’m an AA advocate since it’s saved my and millions of lives worldwide. Most if not all rehabs and forums like this are based on it’s Philosophy which includes being honest with ourselves about our drinking. If we can do that accepting that we cannot drink in safety follows. Then the work begins by changing the person we were while drinking to avoid future relapses.
Alcoholism is progressive and never gets better if we pick up, usually much worse. It’s known to be powerful, Cunning, baffling and insidious.
I’d seriously reconsider your determination not to join the fellowship as we need all the tools we can gather for protection and survivability. As was said to me years ago we can take the easy way or the hard way, it’s our choice and can easily be life or death.
BE WELL
1) the first is practical. I expired the options and there appears to be only one group in any place near to me. I am a white male non native speaker living in Asia. In that one group there are two people who attend meetings that are linked to my business network. I feel I need to keep my business network separate at this stage
2) I have never been a religious person despite being from a very catholic background. Please don't take offence by this but all the trust in God talk I find very difficult to accept. Again, please don't take offence by that. Its just not for me
3)I think I would be too embarrassed to walk into a group of people who may know me and fess up to the whole world (or at least my world) at this stage
Anyway, I am sure I appear I appear quite small minded to you but its just the place that I am at. As I said I will continue to research. thanks again for your reply.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Grass Valley, CA
Posts: 358
Welcome to the forum. I'm 60 years old and I can relate to not having serious physical problems when I was your age; however, it does get you physically over time (I stay in shape too) along with the mental torture, but I thought back then that since I was ok physically it wasn't that bad. It was.
I will NOT drink to that!
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Baltimore MD USA
Posts: 634
Welcome to SR. You will find lot of support here & no judgement. I understand your embarrassment & your shame. I too attach a lot of shame to my alcohol problem. It's so bad even my own sister (who I am super close with) doesn't know the extent of my alcohol problem. Shame can make us stagnant & keep us from making the personal strides we need to make. Keep researching & finding the method that works for you....most of all, stay sober. Make sure you keep coming back even during your weakest moment. We are here for you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Ojai, CA
Posts: 137
Just so your aware, AA is not a religious program, but a spiritual one...huge difference. Also be aware that about 90 percent of the successful folks in AA had the same feeling...OH NO, NOT THAT GOD STUFF...NO WAY... Even Bill W. the founder felt that way. All the best in your journey, sobriety is awesome.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,222
Originally Posted by gvrecovery
Welcome to the forum. I'm 60 years old and I can relate to not having serious physical problems when I was your age; however, it does get you physically over time (I stay in shape too) along with the mental torture, but I thought back then that since I was ok physically it wasn't that bad. It was.
I have lost count of the number of times I did the simple tests to check if you are an alcoholic...you know the ones....if you answered yes to 4 or more then you probably have a drinking problem etc. I always had 5-8 yes's but since I was able to push on thats what I did.
I always associated being an alcoholic with being sick, domestic violence, losing my job etc and they never applied to me. Lots of other nasty stuff did. I was just blind to it. You see, alcohol and getting drunk was as big a part of my life as eating or breathing or being a dad. I just always did it, it was not abnormal.
I have always worked hard, had very stressful jobs, pushed myself to the limit etc....so that when I felt stressed, anxious, depressed etc I attached that to my job and not to my drinking. I genuinely did not realise that it was mostly the drink causing the problems and increasingly destructive cycles. I only realised this a few days ago when reading an article online.
IT TOOK ME 20 YEARS TO REALISE THIS! What an idiot!
I can now see what I have been doing to myself. All the mood swings, the frayed temper, the feeling of sadness etc. All the stupid rules I made to cut down that failed 100% of the time...dont drink on consecutive days, quite after 4 drinks, only drink at weekends, control calories etc. All failed.
I thought I was "getting away with it" because physically I thought I was when I was destroying myself mentally all along without realising. Realising that I think...I hope....will be my moment of clarity
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 334
Welcome Paul. You will find a lot of support and understanding here. 
Like LBrain, I did Rational Recovery/AVRT too, and it worked well for me.
I'm not going to try and convince you that Rational Recovery/AVRT is the best program and that you should do it. The best advise I have is to really look at the different programs and their methods/philosophies and pick the one that makes the most sense to you and, most importantly, one that you feel you can succeed with.
Like LBrain, I did Rational Recovery/AVRT too, and it worked well for me.
I'm not going to try and convince you that Rational Recovery/AVRT is the best program and that you should do it. The best advise I have is to really look at the different programs and their methods/philosophies and pick the one that makes the most sense to you and, most importantly, one that you feel you can succeed with.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 334
Originally Posted by ubntubnt
IT TOOK ME 20 YEARS TO REALISE THIS! What an idiot!
I can now see what I have been doing to myself. All the mood swings, the frayed temper, the feeling of sadness etc. All the stupid rules I made to cut down that failed 100% of the time...dont drink on consecutive days, quite after 4 drinks, only drink at weekends, control calories etc. All failed.
I thought I was "getting away with it" because physically I thought I was when I was destroying myself mentally all along without realising. Realising that I think...I hope....will be my moment of clarity
I can now see what I have been doing to myself. All the mood swings, the frayed temper, the feeling of sadness etc. All the stupid rules I made to cut down that failed 100% of the time...dont drink on consecutive days, quite after 4 drinks, only drink at weekends, control calories etc. All failed.
I thought I was "getting away with it" because physically I thought I was when I was destroying myself mentally all along without realising. Realising that I think...I hope....will be my moment of clarity
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 1,305
Welcome, Paul! I definitely find your honesty to be refreshing. I think you're verbalizing a lot of what I've told myself over the years. I'm 42 and haven't experienced a job loss, relationship problems, DUI, financial troubles, or any serious health consequences...but YET ("you're eligible too!") is something that really resonates with me. I look back even 5 years, and I see that I'm drinking more and feeling worse and worse as time passes on: depressed, anxious, and hopeless, even as I go through the motions of being a successful professional, wife, and mother. It's become completely exhausting, and I want to be free of all the trouble that drinking brings.
You may want to consider joining us on the thread for those of us who are quitting in November: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-2-a.html We've had our share of false starts, but we persevere, and so can you.
Take good care, and I look forward to your future posts.
You may want to consider joining us on the thread for those of us who are quitting in November: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-2-a.html We've had our share of false starts, but we persevere, and so can you.
Take good care, and I look forward to your future posts.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,222
Originally Posted by HenryKrinkle
Welcome Paul. You will find a lot of support and understanding here.
Like LBrain, I did Rational Recovery/AVRT too, and it worked well for me.
I'm not going to try and convince you that Rational Recovery/AVRT is the best program and that you should do it. The best advise I have is to really look at the different programs and their methods/philosophies and pick the one that makes the most sense to you and, most importantly, one that you feel you can succeed with.
Like LBrain, I did Rational Recovery/AVRT too, and it worked well for me.
I'm not going to try and convince you that Rational Recovery/AVRT is the best program and that you should do it. The best advise I have is to really look at the different programs and their methods/philosophies and pick the one that makes the most sense to you and, most importantly, one that you feel you can succeed with.
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