snowbunting

Hi all, I'm on Day 40 today I have been changing my lifestyle for the better so that I'm not around alcohol at all these days, and I don't hang around with drinkers, and for me, having fun is climbing a mountain or reading a book in the bath. I have zero desire to go to a bar, not now, not ever.

However, on Thursday night that's exactly what I have to do. I know the drill about putting sobriety first and avoiding environments where drinking is a main activity, but unfortunately, I *have* to go to this. My husband is doing a stand-up comedy gig, followed by an audience Q&A, followed by an interview. It's for his work, it's important, and I would be a crap wife if I wasn't there to support him. I need to and want to support him.

He won't be drinking, because he is super supportive of me. Nevertheless, it will be an evening spent for the most part sitting at a bar table with his colleagues (who will all be drinking, and around whom I'm quite shy if I'm not drunk). Everyone around me will be getting soused, it's a comedy cellar fergodsake. I doubt the bar will even have juice.

Not going is not an option - I'm needed there. Drinking is not an option either - I don't want to, and won't. But any tips for getting through it? I have social anxiety (for which I take medication), but I'm just as concerned about how *boring* being in a bar will be - once my husband is finished, we'll have to stay (out of politeness) and listen to two other people's events. Yeesh.

LBrain

Well I hope he's the kind of comic you don't have to be drunk to laugh at his jokes like most are. I would carry water with you. YES, carry in your own drinks. And practice politely refusing drinks. If anyone insists on buying you a drink, tell them, "coffee please."
Does he have any "my wife" jokes?

snowbunting

Great idea, thanks LBrain. I will take in a couple of really nice drinks in with me, and treat myself to them throughout the evening - a berry smoothie, a presse of some kind, some water, lovely.

If I had to be drunk to laugh at my husband's jokes, the last 40 days would *not* have been fun His set is about humans' relationship with animals, it ties in to his research at work. I just hope the audience is kind to him!

Soberwolf

I would just say stay focused if your going

support your husband carry water and stay focused

snowbunting

Thanks sober wolf. I will do what you suggest. You've given me an idea too - I'm also going to have my husband's phone on me, so that I can check in with SR at any time if needed (and it'll make me look busy, which will help with the anxiety )

LBrain

audiences can be cruel on stand up comics. I don't know if they have a heckling policy and bouncers that enforce a-holes behavior. But I hope it won't be a trigger for you if he's bombing. Something to consider being prepared for. But I'm sure he'll tear them apart.
Take your pre-mixed drinks. If they give you grief for carrying in your own, say fine, make me one of these. Or tell them you are on a special medically necessary diet. Just be ready in case they say something. Better than stammering in the moment.

Good luck - I hope he knocks em dead!

Congrats on 40 days snowbunting.

Hawks

Got any family or friends who understand your situation who you can "check in" with?

Maybe schedule a couple of calls?

Seems like a funny thing to do, but I used the phone 4 times in 6 hours to get through an engagement I couldn't get out of.

Worked really well

NoJimmy

Any option to bring a sober friend(s) for support?

doggonecarl

Then that's all that matters. You say you have to be there for your husband. So be there. Put up with the boredom, the drunks, the anxiety, your shyness.

And don't drink.

Or don't go. Those are your options.

Mountainmanbob

I don't know why I didn't know this way back then
but, I didn't
I have learned in sobriety (this time around)
pretty simple
always be prepared to step outside for some fresh air
no one will even miss us
helps to keep our sober thinking straight

Once I got very uptight at a wedding (knowing next to no one there)
instead of taking a little walk outside so as to relax
I grabbed two beers
over two years of sobriety down the drain

MM

Low

Obviously don't drink however I would suggest changing your mindset a bit. Start thinking positive about it, instead of what a drag it is going to be. How great to get to go to a show and see your husband perform, sober, how great that you don't have to drink, and don't focus on how "boring" it will be, but how entertaining to observe what is going on around you, while you get to be just be you, and not have to get all jacked up to have a good time. Are thoughts create our reality...don't set yourself up to have a awful time. Have some fun. No one really cares if your not drinking. When people use to ask me, (no one does anymore) I use to say:" I've drank enough, thanks"...they don't know what to say so they shut up. lol.

foolsgold66

Take notes from time to time while listening\watching. What jokes work, which don't, which were the best, etc. Not a distraction, but perhaps a helpful activity and it may help with the shyness, keeping hands busy, etc. Could be silly, but it occurred to me, so out it came..

bigsombrero

Stand in the back of the room, away from the crowd. Sip a seltzer and stay focused on the gig. Good luck!

FreeOwl

I've been to many bar and drinking events in sobriety without problem. What helps me is;

1- having a specific choice of non alcoholic beverage pre-planned.

2- having a specific response I'm comfortable with in response to any offer of an alcoholic beverage.

3- reminding myself going in of the purpose I am there for (in your case, 'to stay sober and support my husband' might be a simple example)

4- being fully prepared and briefing my partner on the fact that if I find it too challenging or am really struggling with temptation, jealousy, anxiety or any other overwhelming thing - I may need to leave early.

Doing these has helped me through 10 days sober in Vegas with hundreds of heavy drinking g colleAgues, many gatherings of family and friends and several nights out at bars supporting friends who are musicians. You can do it!

ScottFromWI

Lots of good information above. I would add this - make sure your husband is aware of your anxiety about going. And make sure he knows that you might need to leave for a while. Because that is a distinct possibility - no matter how much you prepare for this, you really don't know what's going to happen until you get there. Just make sure he knows that it's a possibility that you'll need to step out for a while, even just to check your phone or take a walk.

SoberLeigh

Great advice here.

Hope the evening goes really well for you and your husband, snowbunting.

Anna

Yes, I think Scott's idea is a good one. You might want/need to take a quick break outside for some air and to gather your strength.

Enjoy your upcoming evening!

snowbunting

Thank you so much everyone, you've come up with so many points I never even thought of, and I feel much more positive about it now. You give such great advice!

Here's a brief sketch of my plan then:

1 - Arrive with a couple of tasty beverages of my own
2 - Have my husband's phone to check SR, and take notes too if I want to keep my hands busy
3- Let my husband know that I might slip out for some air at any point, but will be back
4- If I'm having problems with shyness, or the amount of other people's beer at my table, nip to the ladies and stand at the back when I come out - this will be a relief
5 - go in with a more positive attitude and be happy that I get to enjoy the show sober (thanks Low!)
6 - have a ready-made excuse if someone wants to buy me a drink. 'I have a very early start tomorrow' will lead to the fewest questions I think. These people will have work tomorrow too, of course, so that might shut them up
7 - stay focused and remember why I'm there
8 - if I absolutely must leave early, do so. I can listen to music in the car. Make sure to have the car keys in my pocket just in case.


Jeez, I've never had to be this forensic about a night out before! But honestly, it is seriously helping, and I feel much more capable and relaxed about it now. You guys are the absolute best

Anna

So, we will all be there with you, kind of.

ScottFromWI

Sounds like a good plan. In regards to #6, while it's certainly not a bad idea to have an excuse, I think you'll find that simply saying "no thank you" works the vast majority of the time. We ( alcoholics ) are really the only ones that obsess about whether we are drinking or not. Most people really don't care or even think twice about it.