Shutterbug1

He used to call me periodically after the breakup and he would say he was doing really well...found god, a home with a church group and a job etc. He hasn't called for a while which I saw as a relief. Then curiosity got to me and I looked at his FB. weak moment. he appears to be still working and "churching" but many of his posts are demented sounding, like truly the ramblings of a mad person. This is the second time I checked his FB since I left him, the first time I checked there was some of this dark nonsensical "poetry" and it upset me then. I was really sad about the further deterioration of his mind, which I saw a lot of during our relationship, but I separated myself and I told myself I wouldn't look again. But when I looked this time it was evident he is dating someone. He posted some erotic "poetry" and some other bat **** crazy "poetry" all spelling out his dysfunctional thoughts about their relationship. He also posted mean spirited things about her children. She's a different race than anyone he's dated and he talks about her like she's a token, not a whole person. It's creepy. No one comments on his page cause it's all just too weird. I think he's likely getting high again. It's so sad. And it hurts.

I have let go in so many ways but this still hurts. I am sad that this women and her children are likely in for a world of pain. The sadness I initially felt was overwhelming, especially because she has children. The thought of children witnessing the insane intoxicated melt downs I've seen was crushing.

It also hurt to read his erotic thoughts about her, even though the poetry was terrible. The thing is I once loved him so much. We were deeply in love and our physical connection was intense. It was beyond heart-wrenching to give up our 10 year relationship. I miss that kind of intimacy and having erotic relationships but I feel damaged and not ready. I don't think I'll be ready for a while and that makes me so sad sometimes.

As for him likely getting high again...I had hoped for the best but knew it was very likely he'd go back at some point. I spent a lot of time resolving that. It hurts the most, more than anything, to know what has happened to his mind. It seems like he is a total stranger, I don't even recognize in him the person I once knew and loved.

AnvilheadII

it's ok to stop looking now. do that for you.

LexieCat

Every so often I feel moved to look people up online, including my still-drinking alcoholic second husband. It's never a pretty sight. I look, sigh, shake my head, and feel grateful I'm out of that particular crazy loop.

Look if you must, but don't stare, and don't mentally move in, ya know? You can't save him, or his new partner.

Hammer

So how is YOUR Program going?