mistory5

I been on a binge for 2 weeks. I wanted to co mit suicide last night when I was drinking. I wanted my mom to take me to a motel so I could die and my son not see my body. One thing I realized today the reason I keep drinking is I keep trying to hide it. I have not been honest about my drinking. I just need hope that I can exist without drinking. Please ca someone give me hope that I can stay sober. Btw my mom told me I have not been hiding it. They can tell by my voice

SoberLeigh

There is definitely hope, mistory5. Many people have been where you are now, have come through it, and have found a happy sober life.

Lean on us; we are here for you.

Wharf Rat

I don't have much advice to give since I'm newly sober. But I do know how you feel, and I hope you get sober so your son doesn't lose his dad. I am in the same boat with my kids. Good luck

FreeOwl

there is definitely hope. I know many who have been right where you are. I've been in very dark places myself, seemingly unable to stop the madness.

But there is a solution and you can stop this cycle and find a blessed, rich, joyful life.

coming here was a great place to start.

another great action to take would be to find the next available AA meeting near you and go to it.

Alcoholics Anonymous

at that meeting, get a Big Book and some phone numbers.

You don't have to live like this.

mistory5

I've been lurking on sR since this July. I consider myself a newcomer because I haven't been able to stay sober for no more than 3 weeks sober

Rina

I have been where you are and it seems hopeless right now but it isn't. The fact that you are on here and reaching out means you believe that u can get better. Take it one moment at a time and if you can't do it for yourself do it for your son. Your disease is telling u that u can't do it but u can. Keep reaching out. Can u get to a meeting? Face to face support makes a huge difference when u are feeling so low. Maybe check yourself in somewhere so that you can be safe?

MemphisBlues

Most of us here know that desperation well. In hindsight, I see that hopeless, beaten state of mind as a blessing. It enabled me to realize I needed help and to seek it out.

This isn't going to be smooth sailing. In fact, my first year of sobriety was singularly the most difficult time of my life. I needed that beat down, too. It's that memory that keeps me sober today, four years later.

I was so desperate I did something totally foreign and insane: I crawled into an AA meeting.

Wastinglife

I thought I was hiding it from people too. I was in a relationship for 6 years that coincided with my descent into alcoholism. My girlfriend could always tell if I had been drinking just by hearing my voice on the phone. When we moved in together, I had cleverly hidden bottles but there was no point since she always tell by my demeanor that I had drank from stashed booze.

You can't get sober alone. You need to come clean to people close to you as well as seek out other support like AA or counselling.

Soberwolf

Mistory have you spoken to a doctor about this the way you feel ?

sunrise88

I was where you are last Christmas. I did something very stupid and I could have died, because most of me wanted to. You can come out of this; so many of us can relate. You will be surprised at how much support there is out there because this is more common than we think; we often feel that we are the only ones struggling and that is just not the case. Stay on here, we are here for you! Go get help but most importantly, don't give up. For your son, yourself.... You can do this. *hugs*

Nonsensical

Sounds to me like you're having more trouble existing with drinking.

Can your mom exist without drinking? Can your son?
Of course they can.
All of us can.
You aren't any different. Part of your brain is addicted to alcohol and makes up some serious lies to keep you drinking. One of those lies is that you need it.

That's Nonsensical.
And that's how I chose my name.

hopeful4

Of course there is hope! That is one thing you can never run out of.

About hiding it, I am sure that your mom is correct, they know. Wouldn't it be better to reach your hand out for honest help and support from them than to lie and hide from them? I am betting the answer is yes.

Manipulation and alcoholism go hand in hand, so they may be weary. What ACTIONS can you take today for yourself. Go to a meeting? Seek out a therapist who specializes in helping those with addiction? Both of these? Help someone else do something postitive? That alone with give you hope, I promise.

You can do this. You are worth it. You deserve a happy and sober life. Your son deserves that of you also. Please look at all you have, reach out your hand, and get help to beat this. Don't cower in shame but be proud of being willing to make change in your life.

Please keep us posted, I know you can do it, and SR will help you!

mistory5

Thx everyone for your help. Seems like the common thought is I need help. I just don't know which route to take. Cant get to face to face meetings cause of dui. For this minute hour I just need to not pick up a drink! Problem is I can't focus on the positive, I just keep ruminating on how everything I have allowed alcohol to mess up.

Wharf Rat

I apologize for saying 'Dad' earlier, I just realized you were female. Well, as you can see I've been lurking for almost 9 years and still have trouble putting together anything other than small periods of sobriety. So I'm in the dumps too. But I know that I need to be sober for myself, my wife & kids. Thats what keeps me coming back no matter how bad I've struggled. I will never give up.

hopeful4

It's a choice. Stop looking back and look forward. You can change the future!

Have you called any meetings? I know there are many who have people who will come pick you up. If things are this bad, have you thought about inpatient help?

No matter what avenue you decide, YOU CAN DO THIS! Think about your family and how much they mean to you.

Please take good care of you!

anattaboy

Welcome Mistory! I've felt that bad with my drinking but only while it was still in me. I have my regrets sober but not the crippling self loathing I had before. You gotta put the plug in the jug. It's the booze causing the suicidal thoughts and much more. Get a detox plan together. Here in the US just saying you want to hurt yourself is enough to get admitted-then tell them how much you've been drinking- you will get detoxed in 3 days. I've done it more than once. If that doesn't appeal to you find something that does.

barefootjunker

This feeling of hopelessness is a condition of the alcoholism, cunning, baffling, and powerful. We see it as how can I do it without it, when others everyday live without alcohol never giving it a second thought, actually most people don't have to.

Then you got us... we think about it, love it, hate it, know it is eating us alive and still can't imagine a life without our true love, alcohol. We can say how we know all the time to those around us, but we still think we can do it like normal people. We can't, and never will because we are sick, we are just as sick as any psychotic in a mental hospital. We can't even begin to think like non alcoholics just as much as they can't think like us. It is why AA exists, takes one to know one, also takes one to show one.

If nothing else, just don't drink today and call someone who knows what it is like.

JimdiGriz

Thats a great post barefoot, and good luck to all

biminiblue

Call your local AA phone number - you can look it up online.

There are women in AA who do service work of meeting with you and who will drive you to and home from AA meetings. You're not the first person without a ride. Plus that will give you someone with whom to walk in to the meeting. They will explain AA to you and talk to you on the phone. Give it a try - it's free and it is a good thing. They understand you. People in AA have the same problem. Start doing good things and good things will follow.

mistory5

I haven't seen a doctor. I' m pretty sure the alcohol affected my thinking last night. I don't really want to die. I think I scared myelf when I realize the booze had won again