Notices

Looking for Support

Old 07-31-2004, 07:57 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
granolaprincess's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 70
Unhappy Looking for Support

I am in the process of ending a relationship due to addiction. We had just set the date for our wedding and were getting ready to purchase a home together, so I was blind-sighted by his sudden desire for space after I made a comment that daily pot usage was unacceptable. He claims I'm the best thing to ever happen to him and at the same time he is upset that I'm not accepting him for himself. He also drinks beer daily, and gets drunk occasionally. I've been through rehab w/ my mom (she was an alcoholic) and I was taught that if you need it, it's a problem. Going off of that premise I'm convinced he's an addict, but he sees it as a way to relax, much in the way that others watch TV, scrapbook, or ride a bike. I'm miserable because I love him so much, he's a great guy, loving, caring and attentive, and is what I would call a functioning addict. I have to leave to be true to myself, but I'm in a ton of pain. He says we'll work it out with him 3 hours away at school, but I think this is a passive way of ending the relationship. He, of course, doesn't see it that way. He's not sure we'll work it out, and agrees he needs to grow up, but isn't sure if he's ready to give up the lifestyle he's chosen for most of his life. Just the idea that he's willing to walk away from "the best thing" to ever happen to him tells me he's an addict. He's willing to do couples therapy so I'm looking for a professional in my area. I'm not holding out for this change, and I'm trying to look forward (it's not easy right now). I've been through this before and refuse to go through it again, regardless of how it feels right now. It's not fair to either of us. Support, wisdom and input are all welcome. Thx
granolaprincess is offline  
Old 07-31-2004, 08:04 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Ann
Nature Girl
 
Ann's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome Princess

I am sorry for this pain at what should be a happy time of your life. As you already know, living with an active drinker or addict brings with it a lot of problems and pain, and only you can decide if you want to stay or go. And you are both probably wise to hold off on the marriage until you have worked through this.

If you'd care to stop down to the Nar-Anon or Al-Anon forums, there are many there who have been where you are, and who would be happy to share their experience, strength and hope with you. On the main page just look down a few forums and you will see it.

I'm happy to have you join our SoberRecovery family and hope you find some strength and peace here walking with us on our road through recovery.

Hugs
Ann
Ann is offline  
Old 07-31-2004, 08:37 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Headed in the right direction.
 
CarrieSueBee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Las Vegas
Posts: 257
Stick to your convictions

Hi Granola,
You are very wise.

I am sorry to hear of your pain. Please know that .....you can love someone, but that doesn't mean that you have to BE with that person for the rest of your life. In fact, two people can love eachother...but that doesn't mean that they are GOOD for eachother.

If he loved you more than anything (pot or beer) he'd choose YOU over THEM. But it sounds like he can't right now, meaning these substances have a grip on him. What about an ultimatum: he needs to seek counseling or NA and if he doesn't, you'll walk. That way you have given him the power to write his own walking papers...or not.
Brace yourself for the sad and lonely times.

He may seem to be functioning right now, but that depends on your definition of "functioning." He is obviously letting one of the best things in his life slip away due to these substances. That has gotta hurt your feelings. But knwo that it is not YOU that he is rejection, it is the SUBSTANCES that are drawing him in.
He is letting these substances interfere with his personal relationships. Believe me, I come from an area in Nothern California where the pot grows rampant and I've seen its effects on a lot of people. It is the biggest de-motivator around. Not right now, but some day, you will be glad you didn't hook up with a pot head. You would have bought a home together, but eventually, he would be interested in doing little more than sitting in that house, on teh couch, in front of the TV, smoking. No activities, no career, no drive, no sex, no person left...

Save yorself first, only if you have energy left after that, can you then attempt to offer him solutions to his addictions.
CarrieSueBee is offline  
Old 07-31-2004, 09:25 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
granolaprincess's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 70
Thx for your support guys!

He feels I did give him an ultimatum when I responded to a comment he made about smoking. I said I needed to think about this because it sounded like he wanted to smoke daily. I explained that I don't have a problem with how anyone chooses to live their life, unless it impacts how I live my life and that would definitely impact my life. He can't live under the "rule" (as he calls it) of smoking only occasionally. He said he couldn't even live under the idea of smoking only 2-3x per week. He believes he's responsible because his bills are paid, but he doesn't understand how he changes under the influence. He becomes grandiose and extremely hard to communicate with. He thinks I'm hyper-sensitive because of the environment I grew up in (mother = alcoholic), and that I'm being unreasonable and judgmental. I started to believe that maybe that was the case, and am still open to exploring that option for my own health, but that doesn't change what I see as his addiction. His friends are all potheads and alcoholics and are, for the most part, functional people. He doesn't see the physical and emotional damage it causes so he has no reason to believe it's bad.

The more I read on the boards and talk w/ friends who've been through similar situations, the more I'm convinced I am not being judgmental or hyper-sensitive. This is a great forum and I'm looking forward to becoming acquainted with this awesome support network!
granolaprincess is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:52 AM.