weezer77

My husband and i have two small children which he never wanted to begin with. He blames me for getting pregnant and says i did it on purpose to "hook" him. Even though i asked him to get a vasectomy. He is an alcoholic and has physically and emotionally beat me up for years about this issue. He has been to treatment once but says he only went to get away from me. Every year or two he is moving us around to get a better job, be closer to his kids, take care of him mom, promotional etc...whatever the excuse is. This last move, i didn't go. He thinks now he has found someone that he wants to marry and i am devistated. All i ever wanted was for him to try to get sober. He doesnt think he is an alcoholic now, he just thinks he has problems with women who make him have families he doesn't want. He also has two kids from a previous marriage. I dont want him to leave us but i have no choice. He has had numerous affairs before. Why do i find myself so desperate and guilty for not "supporting" him as he so says. I've stayed with him through everything. And i have never asked for child support but am now. I want my family back and healthy. I told him if he thought happiness was being with this other woman, then go do it. I feel like he has to see for himself and i need to let him. His father was the same way and he has big trust and abandonment issues. Thoughts?

honeypig

Hi, Weezer, and welcome to SR. Glad you found us here--you can learn a lot and find a lot of support on this forum.

I'm sorry to hear of the years of physical and emotional abuse you and your kids have endured. No one deserves that. If you look into the stickies at the top of the page, you'll find some threads about abuse that might be helpful for you. There's also this current thread: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...584-abuse.html

The portion of your post that I quoted is what I hope you can focus on. You're so right that you need to let him go do what he believes he wants to do. What your job is, is to take care of you and your kids. You've made a good start by coming here and seeking help. I hope you'll also check into Alanon--I found Alanon for face-to-face support and SR for online help to be a powerful combination for change, and you might find the same.

Read as much as you can here, both in the active threads and in the stickies. I'm sure you'll see many stories that resonate with you. Whatever else you may find, you'll see that you are not alone. And you'll see that, however far off and impossible it might seem for you, there IS peace and happiness to be had.

You'll be OK. Please keep coming back. Everyone here understands.

Wishing you strength and clarity.

AndyFTH

Let him leave. Nothing will be lost, just worries about somebody, who doesn't care about you're worrying.

LexieCat

Actually, you don't have to "let" him leave. Either one of you can leave any time it suits you.

I think you are asking whether you should try to hold onto him, and my suggestion is that you get involved in Al-Anon, find another support group for abuse survivors (and get the kids into counseling for what they have endured in this madness), and work on building a new, happy life for yourself.

It's out there, but you have to be ready to accept its gifts.

Hugs,

lillamy

I know it's probably scary for you right now, but trust me, the situation you have been living in is not healthy for you or the children. You will all be better off when you are living in a family where people love each other. Al-Anon is a good resource for you; you could also check into what free counseling is available for the kids in your community. (((hugs)))

dandylion

weezer77.....May I ask....is he the breadwinner? Are you worried about the financial security of the family if he were not there?

dandylion

weezer77

I have also told him i would go to counseling a tin of times and did go but he didn't. He is pissed and thinks it is unfair to pay child support. I also feel terrible for my children. I feel jealous and i feel like maybe i failed here too. What is fair? Is my love for him conditional or unconditional? Or am i in denial..lol.? I pray he gets sober. He is actively drinking now.

Hawkeye13

It isn't "unfair" to pay for children you had a hand in creating.
That's BS plain and simple.

I don't think putting up with abuse equals unconditional love.
You, and your children, deserve better.

If he has other children besides yours, why does he blame the mothers for
"starting families he doesn't want". Isn't he also accountable for this?

I'm sorry you are hurting but it sounds like he is nowhere near done drinking
and blaming other people.

Take care of yourself and perhaps consider going "no contact" except through lawyers
until the support question is settled at least.

Welcome to SR. Do read the stickys at the top of the page and learn more about
addiction and abuse--you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.
Hugs in a difficult time.

lillamy

Amen. The reason we have courts that determine child support is so that you don't have to worry about what's "fair" -- courts won't let you say "I don't want child support." It's not money he is giving to you; it's money he is giving to his children. Which is what a parent is supposed to do.

ladyscribbler

Getting child support from my ex also brought up a lot of emotions for me. I associated his anger with my father's rage over having to pay child support to my mom. What is fair is the law, which says that a parent must pay child support, even if they choose not to be involved in the children's lives.
When dealing with an abuser who is actively drinking, couple's counseling is probably not the best use of resources. He sounds like he has no desire to change, and his behavior makes him a danger to you and your children.
Do you have the option of doing more counseling for yourself?
I also hope, that my ex gets sober, not for me or the sake of our relationship, which is over, but for himself. I can support him at a distance, with limited contact between us. Supporting someone does not mean you put up with the abuse they dish out and don't complain. In fact it means the opposite. I support him by taking care of myself and our son, by leaving him to his consequences and not accepting his unacceptable behavior.
Hugs to you and your kids. I know how hard this is. Please keep posting. Lots of us here have been where you are and come out the other side.

hopeful4

My thought is that he sounds like an a@@. Just why does he think he should not pay child support? Pretty sure the courts will see it a bit differently.

I am sorry to be harsh, but this man is doing you a favor. You and your children deserve a lot more.

AnvilheadII

exactly what IS it about this man that you want so badly?

he's emotionally and physcially abusive. DEALBREAKER
he has clearly stated he does not WANT the children he has with you, or the children he made with other women. DOUBLE DEALBREAKER.
he has had multiple affairs. DEALBREAKER.
he's an active alcoholic with no desire to change. DEALBREAKER.
he is with another woman now. DEALBREAKER.

dude sounds like a complete despicable creep. narcissistic and cruel.

lillamy

While I totally agree with Anvil, I also know that when I first came here, I didn't feel that way about the man I was married to. I knew he was emotionally and sexually abusive, I knew he was an alcoholic with no desire to change, but I thought my love could fix him. I thought if only -- if only I did the right thing, said the right thing, he would become the person I thought he could be, the person I loved.

It took me a very long time to realize that "the person I loved" wasn't the man I was married to -- it was a person I wanted him to be, an image inside my head.

It's probably difficult to see right now, but a man who is all of what Anvil listed -- that's not the man you love. It's not a man you need in your life.

weezer77

so I have made it through most of my day and I am now finding myself trying to look at the blame game that has gone on for so long. I wonder in my mind how and if he is really in love with this other person...and what would make her so wonderful that he may stop drinking...I am driving myself nuts! He says he drinks with her and she has no conditions on him. Will it work between them? I don't know why i bother to drive myself crazy, it's not in my control. I think it just feels good to be here and type this to get it off my mind. Thank you everyone.

AnvilheadII

and what would make her so wonderful that he may stop drinking

it doesn't work that way. that is where your magical thinking has gone wrong - thinking that if YOU were WONDERFUL enough, good enough, nice enough, cleaned the house enough, kept the kids quiet, lost weight, grew bigger boobs, cooked better, performed better in bed.....that maybe YOU could influence his alcoholism.

you can't TREAT TRAIN an alcoholic into recovery....arrange their lives to such a degree that they have no choice but to quit.

I don't believe a person with the traits and behaviors of which you speak is CAPABLE of loving anyone. he doesn't even want HIS OWN CHILDREN. there is something inherently WRONG with him, over and above addiction.

you can let go of that dream now, the one where he is your prince charming.
he ain't.
you can have a wonderful fulfilling happy life and give that to your children without him. he will only bring more pain and misery.

weezer77

i just need reminders, thank you. he does want his kids, just not with me. he sees them but cant stop drinking when he has them. You're right, it's a dream. I am in denial. but because I cant let it go. I still have hope. I gotta figure out how to let that go.
he is just hurtful and mean.

WMJ1012

When I get out of people's way I feel less guilty
Then I'm free to work on myself and why I'm attracted to the people I am
Doing my own work in the 12 steps eases my guilt too because I start living the way God wants me to live...I start following spiritual instruction

dandylion

weezer77.....Time and space (distance) will help to let him go. You are grieving, right now. So, expect the pain to last for a while....before the pain fades away (taking your obsession with it).

Meanwhile, begin to use the time and space to do the things that help you...

How much are you willing to do to eventually let this go....?

dandylion

atalose

Put aside you and your feelings, your hurt, your desperation, your obsession. What thoughts run through your head that says it’s ok to send your children off to him knowing he drinks while they are in his care?

CodeJob

Welcome Weezer,

I'm going to try to insert a Power and Abuse wheel. Here is a link to it in case I fail. http://www.ncdsv.org/images/powercon...lnoshading.pdf

For me it visually helped me see how several people in my life had abused me.