Back again after 9 months
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 678
Back again after 9 months
hi everyone. Just wanted to let people know I'm back. I need this place badly. I can't believe I continue to let myself think I can drink like a normal person. I'm a madman, voluntary insanity is what it is. Just finished another bender, repeating history par for the course. The hardest part is going down this road to recovery again. My wife and family are going to think I'm nuts. I need to stop this cycle now. I didn't sleep a wink last night. Just shook and sweat. Getting on a plane now. Hope I manage some sleep and get through the WD. I'm never doing this again. I'm done.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,870
Welcome back, SoberMarathon.
Do you have a window seat on that plane? I usually get a lot of good thinking done while staring out the window at the world above and below; might be a great time to formulate a plan.
Have a safe flight.
Again, welcome back.
Do you have a window seat on that plane? I usually get a lot of good thinking done while staring out the window at the world above and below; might be a great time to formulate a plan.
Have a safe flight.
Again, welcome back.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 678
Thanks for the support everyone. I made it through the flight and so now is Day 2 already. I must admit I don't have a plan yet, this was a recent decision so I'm still in the acute WD phase. At least I'm here and posting and trying to get it right. I simply cannot have a single drink, it's that bad my disease has gotten progressively worse, blacking out often, taking risks, spending lots of money. I feel like crap and that I'll lose my family, job, and what's left of my friends. During the past years I've kept relapsing when I start feeling better and convince myself I can drink normally. Can't do it, no question. I drink to get wasted and act like an ass. I wrote in a journal on the plane to catalogue my pain. I thought that was a good start anyways. For support I have this online community for now. Might get involved in a group when I move next year. For now, all I can do is get myself together and use the recent past to motivate myself to become a better person. I'm not happy, I actually hate myself at the moment. Hate this addicted part of my brain anyways.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 678
Thanks Dee. I've never been able to make it normal or at least stay normal. It takes over my mind and works it's power. I'm heavily addicted. I can go a few days even weeks and on a few occasions months. But I always get lured back in.
When I finally relapsed back in February, I was with my wife, Valentine's Day and we were traveling. I finally caved and said what's the harm? Let's have some wine. Since then I've steadily slipped back in to old ways. Turned my back on SR or thoughts of sobriety and gave in to addiction. It really sucks being an alcoholic, the holidays coming up, parties, etc.
Given this is killing me, I need to just recognize this for what it is. I'm so ashamed:-(
When I finally relapsed back in February, I was with my wife, Valentine's Day and we were traveling. I finally caved and said what's the harm? Let's have some wine. Since then I've steadily slipped back in to old ways. Turned my back on SR or thoughts of sobriety and gave in to addiction. It really sucks being an alcoholic, the holidays coming up, parties, etc.
Given this is killing me, I need to just recognize this for what it is. I'm so ashamed:-(
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,431
If it's that powerful you might have to reconsider other support SM...SR is great but use everything you have at your disposal.
As far as the self loathing goes, I get it...but the best thing you could do for yourself (and those who love you) is never put yourself in this situation again.
You can do this
D
As far as the self loathing goes, I get it...but the best thing you could do for yourself (and those who love you) is never put yourself in this situation again.
You can do this
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 678
Will consider it. I've hit up AA when I've been desperate before. I've also used sponsors, one who was sober and others that were not. The latter probably didn't help much.
I'll take comfort here for a bit before going anywhere else on top of this place. See where it goes. I'm committed. Way too much to lose and I've been risking it all for what? Beer sweats and glossy eyes. Need some rest. Almost home now.
I'll take comfort here for a bit before going anywhere else on top of this place. See where it goes. I'm committed. Way too much to lose and I've been risking it all for what? Beer sweats and glossy eyes. Need some rest. Almost home now.
Sober date 5/1/13
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Staffordshire UK
Posts: 3,547
Hi SM, using negative language about yourself puts you in the wrong frame of mind. Yeah alcohol messes us up but we can live happy healthy lives without it. Focus on the advantages of not drinking, no hangovers, clear thinking.
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