A “Convenient Drunk” No More
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 425
A “Convenient Drunk” No More
Hello.
I’ve been lurking here for a week or so now.
Things kind of came to a head for me about three weeks ago, when my 23-year-old told me I was a “convenient drunk” after I’d asked her to run an errand for me because I was drunk and couldn’t drive. It was “convenient” for me, but not for her or anyone else in my life for that matter. It was not the first time I’d done that. But it was the first time someone called me out on it. Ouch.
The hard, ugly truth is that I honestly couldn’t tell you how much I was drinking each day. I’d start in the morning with something in my coffee. Then move on to wine in the coffee cup (rinsed out first). As the day progressed more wine, but later moving to cocktails or beer. Whatever happened to be handy. I work from home and am alone for large parts of the day, so it was really easy to hide what I was doing and to maintain a steady buzz pretty much all day. However, later in the afternoon and early evening it would start to catch up with me, and I’d be ready to pass out by 6 or 7 p.m. It had gotten to the point where there was really no room in my life for anything but work and drinking. I didn’t want to go anywhere. I wasn’t even bothering to shower or get dressed. I didn’t want to be around anyone, including my family. I didn’t care about any of my past interests or hobbies. All I cared about was getting whatever necessary work\chores done and out of the way so that I could get drunk and escape into my head. I was also using 100 – 150 mg of tramadol; not a high dose, but it wasn’t my prescription; it was just another form of self-medication.
So, there I was a complete mess. I came clean with my husband, both of my children (ages 23 and 17), and my best friend of 16 years about how much I was drinking (about a week after the “convenient drunk” comment). Sadly, it was only my children who were NOT surprised. I started cutting back two weeks ago. After about a week of that, I was down to 1-2 a day and just felt ill: mood swings, severe anxiety, stomach issues, needing to pee every 20 minutes. Finally went to my doctor on Nov 11 and had an honest conversation with her about it all. She gave me a short-term script for chlorodiazepam; a list of supplements to take, and I’m due back for a follow up in mid-December.
Today is day six of being sober. Yesterday was the last tramadol (25mg). Down to three of the chlorodiazepam per day, and I will be tapering off further next week; I should be off them entirely before I go back to the doctor.
I’m not a complete basket case like I was, but I still feel really weird: moody, freaky vivid dreams (In one dream, I was in a bar and couldn’t find my drink … searching all over the place for it), still need to pee constantly (incidentally, the doctor checked and it’s not a UTI and blood sugar was ok, so it just seems to be a withdrawal thing.). And I’m STARVING all the time. I actually got up in the middle of the night last night and fixed myself a tuna fish sandwich of all things. All in all, I’m trying to eat healthy and stay away from junk. I’m drinking a lot of those Bolthouse green smoothie things. Also, trying to get out and walk. I do feel better physically. And the “Addictive Voice” is just a whisper at the moment. I’m sure there are going to be times when it’s louder. But I am done with it. I can’t drink anymore. Ever.
But the big thing looming in the not-to-distant future is dealing with all of the reasons why I was drinking in the first place. I have a pretty good idea why; I could write out the list right now. Drinking was a self-indulgent and extreme form of procrastination. I’ve got some ugly problems to deal with and that’s what scares me the most. I feel an urge to just dive right in, but I know I'm not strong enough yet.
This was a little long, so my apologies. But it feels good to get it out there in the open.
With Peace,
Jerri
I’ve been lurking here for a week or so now.
Things kind of came to a head for me about three weeks ago, when my 23-year-old told me I was a “convenient drunk” after I’d asked her to run an errand for me because I was drunk and couldn’t drive. It was “convenient” for me, but not for her or anyone else in my life for that matter. It was not the first time I’d done that. But it was the first time someone called me out on it. Ouch.
The hard, ugly truth is that I honestly couldn’t tell you how much I was drinking each day. I’d start in the morning with something in my coffee. Then move on to wine in the coffee cup (rinsed out first). As the day progressed more wine, but later moving to cocktails or beer. Whatever happened to be handy. I work from home and am alone for large parts of the day, so it was really easy to hide what I was doing and to maintain a steady buzz pretty much all day. However, later in the afternoon and early evening it would start to catch up with me, and I’d be ready to pass out by 6 or 7 p.m. It had gotten to the point where there was really no room in my life for anything but work and drinking. I didn’t want to go anywhere. I wasn’t even bothering to shower or get dressed. I didn’t want to be around anyone, including my family. I didn’t care about any of my past interests or hobbies. All I cared about was getting whatever necessary work\chores done and out of the way so that I could get drunk and escape into my head. I was also using 100 – 150 mg of tramadol; not a high dose, but it wasn’t my prescription; it was just another form of self-medication.
So, there I was a complete mess. I came clean with my husband, both of my children (ages 23 and 17), and my best friend of 16 years about how much I was drinking (about a week after the “convenient drunk” comment). Sadly, it was only my children who were NOT surprised. I started cutting back two weeks ago. After about a week of that, I was down to 1-2 a day and just felt ill: mood swings, severe anxiety, stomach issues, needing to pee every 20 minutes. Finally went to my doctor on Nov 11 and had an honest conversation with her about it all. She gave me a short-term script for chlorodiazepam; a list of supplements to take, and I’m due back for a follow up in mid-December.
Today is day six of being sober. Yesterday was the last tramadol (25mg). Down to three of the chlorodiazepam per day, and I will be tapering off further next week; I should be off them entirely before I go back to the doctor.
I’m not a complete basket case like I was, but I still feel really weird: moody, freaky vivid dreams (In one dream, I was in a bar and couldn’t find my drink … searching all over the place for it), still need to pee constantly (incidentally, the doctor checked and it’s not a UTI and blood sugar was ok, so it just seems to be a withdrawal thing.). And I’m STARVING all the time. I actually got up in the middle of the night last night and fixed myself a tuna fish sandwich of all things. All in all, I’m trying to eat healthy and stay away from junk. I’m drinking a lot of those Bolthouse green smoothie things. Also, trying to get out and walk. I do feel better physically. And the “Addictive Voice” is just a whisper at the moment. I’m sure there are going to be times when it’s louder. But I am done with it. I can’t drink anymore. Ever.
But the big thing looming in the not-to-distant future is dealing with all of the reasons why I was drinking in the first place. I have a pretty good idea why; I could write out the list right now. Drinking was a self-indulgent and extreme form of procrastination. I’ve got some ugly problems to deal with and that’s what scares me the most. I feel an urge to just dive right in, but I know I'm not strong enough yet.
This was a little long, so my apologies. But it feels good to get it out there in the open.
With Peace,
Jerri
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,491
Originally Posted by jerri11 
But the big thing looming in the not-to-distant future is dealing with all of the reasons why I was drinking in the first place.
Yes, I agree with you. The hardest part of recovery is facing everything that we were avoiding during the drinking years. For me, that was really tough. I had to face that I wasn't the person I thought I was for most of my adult life. But, the good news is, you can do this.
Like you, my life became very small by the end of my drinking years and I had given up all my interests and friends. Have faith that you can pick up the pieces and move forward.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 425
Anna,
Still learning the interface to the site, so hopefully this ends up in the right place.
About hobbies, last night I picked up a hat I started loom knitting two years ago. Started working on it again. So baby steps. I think it'll be a good way to keep my hands busy and out of trouble. I hope.
Thank you.
Still learning the interface to the site, so hopefully this ends up in the right place.
About hobbies, last night I picked up a hat I started loom knitting two years ago. Started working on it again. So baby steps. I think it'll be a good way to keep my hands busy and out of trouble. I hope.
Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: West Tn
Posts: 3,043
This is great news, Jerri, and worth the effort and sacrifice that getting clean and sober takes.
The adjective I used to use for myself was that I was a public drunk.
I had a drunk mother who never came close to getting help, going to treatment, going to AA or picking up a white chip.
Her alcoholism was a very divisive problem in our family.
Most importantly, though, is the fact that you have recognized your problem and are getting help.
We are excited your are here.
The adjective I used to use for myself was that I was a public drunk.
I had a drunk mother who never came close to getting help, going to treatment, going to AA or picking up a white chip.
Her alcoholism was a very divisive problem in our family.
Most importantly, though, is the fact that you have recognized your problem and are getting help.
We are excited your are here.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
Hi and welcome Jerri
I found great support here and I credit this community with helping me rebuild my life.
I know we can help you do the same. Try not to think too far ahead
All you need to focus on for now is not drinking today
D
I found great support here and I credit this community with helping me rebuild my life.
I know we can help you do the same. Try not to think too far ahead
All you need to focus on for now is not drinking today
D
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,423
Excellent first post Jerri
Yes, the reasons for the drinking will need to surface,
but getting sober was the first step, so well done.
Welcome to SR and be patient and kind to yourself as things unfold with sobriety.
Yes, the reasons for the drinking will need to surface,
but getting sober was the first step, so well done.
Welcome to SR and be patient and kind to yourself as things unfold with sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 985
Well done! You're doing all great moves - telling kids & partner & friend, going to the Dr., logging on here, listening to your body - eating when you need to & taking walks. I encourage you to build a recovery community in person, too, whether AA or an alternative.
I was clean & sober while my kids were growing up, because of recovery from drug addiction & wanting to be present for them. By the time they were teens, I thought it fine to add back wine & beer into my life. It was a rapid descent into old behaviors, & by the time my nest was empty, I'd begun drinking steadily through the day, as you describe. It is my now young adult kids who are probably the only beings on earth who could accurately describe my alcoholism. Looking back, I'm embarrassed that I shared that aspect of me with them. It is pretty much the only thing about my past that I wish I could take back...
Onward & upward! I send you strength and hope as you move through these first weeks. This is an awesome journey, and grows you in unexpected ways...
I was clean & sober while my kids were growing up, because of recovery from drug addiction & wanting to be present for them. By the time they were teens, I thought it fine to add back wine & beer into my life. It was a rapid descent into old behaviors, & by the time my nest was empty, I'd begun drinking steadily through the day, as you describe. It is my now young adult kids who are probably the only beings on earth who could accurately describe my alcoholism. Looking back, I'm embarrassed that I shared that aspect of me with them. It is pretty much the only thing about my past that I wish I could take back...
Onward & upward! I send you strength and hope as you move through these first weeks. This is an awesome journey, and grows you in unexpected ways...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 425
Thank you, everyone for the warm welcome and encouragement. I've always been a bit of a loner and not much of a joiner; but I'm glad I signed up.
I've got decent insurance and a starting point for finding a counselor of some kind. I've tried it a couple of other times years ago for issues with depression but have never found a good fit. Or maybe I just wasn't really ready to deal with all my crap. So goals for the week: no drinking, take care of myself (even if that means eating tuna fish sandwiches at 2 am), and find counselor of some sort.
Thanks again,
Jerri
I've got decent insurance and a starting point for finding a counselor of some kind. I've tried it a couple of other times years ago for issues with depression but have never found a good fit. Or maybe I just wasn't really ready to deal with all my crap. So goals for the week: no drinking, take care of myself (even if that means eating tuna fish sandwiches at 2 am), and find counselor of some sort.
Thanks again,
Jerri
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 425
Just a quick update. I made it thru the weekend and my first dinner out. I was a little bit worried about it, actually. But I stuck with lemonade and managed to have a good time anyway. 😊
I'm still looking for a counselor; I'm working thru the list the insurance company gave me which doesn't seem to be very accurate. I've struck out twice already, So frustration there. 😡
Fyi. I've gotten some Messages on my profile that I can't answer because I haven't posted enough yet. Just want to say thanks. I appreciate the notes.
I'm still looking for a counselor; I'm working thru the list the insurance company gave me which doesn't seem to be very accurate. I've struck out twice already, So frustration there. 😡
Fyi. I've gotten some Messages on my profile that I can't answer because I haven't posted enough yet. Just want to say thanks. I appreciate the notes.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 425
Hello. Time for another check-in I think. It's been 3 weeks now, since I quit drinking. I feel pretty good for the most part, like I'm awake for the first time in years. Good and scary all at once.
Good stuff:
The not so good stuff:
So that's where it's at. Still got a long way to go. But I wouldn't go back to the way things were for anything.
Good stuff:
- I found a counselor and have had one session. First impression was good, so I think we'll get along well and it should be helpful.
- I'm writing nearly every day, all sorts of things. Poems, essays, journal entries.
- I'm trying to get out and walk when the weather cooperates.
- And I'm getting out of the house more.
- And I'm starting to sleep thru the night more.
- And I'm starting to take small bites out of those seemingly intractable problems that led to the drinking in the first place.
The not so good stuff:
- I feel really scatterbrained. It seems harder to keep track of little things sober then when I was drunk. Misplacing my keys. I keep forgetting to shut off the turn signal when I'm driving. Stuff like that. I'm going to bring that up with the Dr. Maybe I was always like this? And just too drunk to notice? Or is this something I'm just going to have to learn to live with? I don't know.
- My appetite has dropped off a lot from the first 10 or so. I don't feel hungry, even though, I have no problem eating once I sit down and do it. It's just not on my radar for some strange reason.
- Tonight, I'm going out with my husband to an event where I will know absolutely no one. This is one of those stress triggers, where my OLD coping mechanism was to get a buzz on first. So, I'm feeling a little bit anxious. It's at a church, so at least I won't have to worry about there being any booze there.
So that's where it's at. Still got a long way to go. But I wouldn't go back to the way things were for anything.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
