killerinstinct

Today a friend called me and told me he got a random call from my ex and that my ex mentioned my name to him several times. My friend believed he was drunk as he heard people music in background and cut the conversation short.

I'm just in complete shock, because he asked about me, because I feel sorry for him, because how dare he screw with my head like this and because I guess I was hoping he was reaching out for me but reality says to me that the convo was more about the ex than me.

I've just been completely wiped out by this and am an emotional wreck.

CodeJob

This information was obtained from a third party and you are reading Into the emotional implications of this info. You are the one messing with your head, not your ex. Your ex did not call you.

killerinstinct

Code job I'm not messing with my head he's just broken his restraining order

MissFixit

Hi Killer,

I am not seeing what you are seeing.

Your ex called your friend and asked about you? It has nothing to do with you. He was drunk or curious or whatever, but he didn't call you. Unless your friend has a restraining order preventing your ex from calling him, I do not see how this violates a RO with you. Ex can talk about you all day long if he wants.

killerinstinct

The conditions are that he doesn't contact my friends or family about me

killerinstinct

Sometimes I get really frustration with the people on hear who are so quick to judge and not listen

CodeJob

Good morning Killer, I'm sorry this is a written forum where in a verbal conversation you would be able to fill us in quicker. I'm sorry if I upset you.

I'm not familiar with a RO with that sort of breadth. How do the courts expect to keep it enforced? You wrote he mentioned your name a few times? What does that even mean? Especially when drunk?

killerinstinct

I'm just upset that he contacted a friend and tried to discuss me... I now have to report this to the police as he has broken his order.. I am sad that I have to get the police involved again.. And he either go to jail for a period or be fined $5000 and more court hearings for me. I thought he was out of our lives with the order in place but clearly he has no boundaries. I hate all the drama that surrounds keeping my son and I protected. We have suffered enough..

MissFixit

I have never heard of a RO that prevents someone from asking about someone else with their friends either. I see you are in Australia, so I guess the laws are different there. If he violated your RO, then it sucks but you have to do what you have to do.

CodeJob

It hurts, but make the call to the police. Enforce the boundary. Hugs.

LexieCat

I'm sorry you are so upset--that would upset me, too.

I've seen orders like that, but they are seldom written QUITE that broadly. Usually it states that he cannot "contact" you directly or indirectly through a third party. Mentioning your name or asking how you've been isn't an indirect contact with YOU--unless he was conveying a threat or something else he would reasonably expect to be communicated to you.

I've also seen orders that specify family and friends the abuser is not permitted to contact at all.

The only times I've seen a provision restricting an abuser from seeking any information whatsoever about a victim were in stalking cases.

The police will make an initial determination whether it was a violation of the order requiring his arrest (and they may contact the prosecutor to find out). If you believe it was, and they don't agree, you can contact the prosecutor's office and speak with someone there.

Hugs, keep breathing. It may have been simply a "by the way" remark and not be a sign of further acts on his part. You know him better than we do, though, so pay attention to your own instincts.

AnvilheadII

because I guess I was hoping he was reaching out for me

I think this statement is what folks were responding to.....part of you WANTS him to reach to you....to contact you. and it threw YOU into a tailspin.

LexieCat

Yeah, that part (which I missed on the first read) is a little confusing.

The order is meant to protect you from contact, not ensure that he contacts you only in the way that you'd like. If he HAD been "reaching out for you" it would more clearly be a violation than casually mentioning your name in a conversation.

Fandy

If just the knowledge that he mentioned your name upsets you so much, maybe it is time to tell all of your friends, that you have NO INTEREST in hearing if he contacted them. it is not a topic you want to hear/discuss, if they want to report his violation of the PO let them.

If your good friend hadn't given you all of these details and his interpretation of the behavior (which is only hearsay, not fact), you would have no knowledge and no upset, *shock* or sadness.

killerinstinct

By hoping he was reaching out for me was not so that he could be with me and have a wonderful life together what I mean by that is "he's hit his rock bottom and is reaching out for help.. " be it me or whoever the person he called.. Just reaching out because he has seen the light and how his behaviour is ruining his sons life if he's in it and wants to change

killerinstinct

And yes everyone has now blocked his number because of this incident as no one wants to attend court to give evidence

LexieCat

Good, hopefully that's the end of it.