Pleassssse... I am really hurting and in a lot of pain...
sparkling hazeleyes
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Alexandria VA
Posts: 81
Pleassssse... I am really hurting and in a lot of pain...
Hi Everyone,
I wanted to share this letter with you today in order to get some understanding, support, and encouragement. As I told you before, I am struggling with a different kind of addiction called love addiction. Sex is really not a big issue in my addiction, because my addiction is mainly focused on the feelings of being loved, feeling secure, the romance, etc. Yes, we have discussed meeting and being together physically, but we have never gone through with it. Our relationship has remained online for 3 years, except for one brief meeting offline. My therapist feels that the reason I have this addiction is because I am an ACOA, both parents were alcoholics, and I have some abandonment issues. My parents did not abandon me in a physical sense, but in an emotional sense. They were not always there when I needed them for love, support, and security. I have had a very difficult time admitting to this addiction, and I have not wanted to give it up, and this still may not be the end. I just pray that my HP will give me the strength to get through the withdrawals, and that I can take the first step in my recovery.
I have tried several times to end our relationship, but in the past, I was usually hurt by him, and I would always send emails that would blame him for manipulating me, hurting me, lying to me, etc. I thought that maybe by sending this type of email, he will be able to understand what I am going through, and he too will be able to let go. I have removed all names in this e-mail to protect the privacy of the individuals involved. My main reason for posting this letter is for me to get some feedback. I could really use some strength/ support from someone who may understand and possibly have some encouraging words. I am really, really weak today, and I am in a lot of pain. Please help.
Thanks again for taking the time to read another long post. My heart is breaking.
Sad_Hazeleyes
name),
I wanted to let you know that I talked to my husband in great lengths about us meeting possibly next month, and he is very much against it. He feels like I am emotional and physically not ready to continue even an online relationship with you. He is afraid that I will sink deeper into my depression.
The other night was WONDERFUL and so intense. It made me feel so alive and 'special', and I was so excited about us and meeting you and being with you again! I was on top of the world. I was so sexual motivated, and yes, my husband did get something out of it. Unfortunately it was only a temporary high for me. Yesterday, I was anxious most of the day, and then melancholy that evening. This is not the way anyone should live or have to live. Do you agree? You apparently have learned how to manage your addiction, or maybe you don't even have one, but you seem to be able to function normally in your every day life. This has not been the case for me. I am trying to stay busy: remodeling the house, exercising, trying to do things as a family, but you are always on my mind. I can't get you out of my head, and it is obsessive and not healthy for me.
When we first started our online relationship, it was filled with a lot of intensity and fantasy. I was caught up in a whirlwind of passion and intrigue. I longed to be with you and I craved you. I still do crave you, and have a 'need' to be with you physically. But (his name), from everything that I have read, and what my therapist has told me, and then my husband's perception of my moods and inability to cope, I am not sure if I can continue on like this. You are not here, and you do not see what is happening to me. I know it is kind of hard for you to understand what I am going through just by reading my e-mails, but the best way I can explain it is by comparing it to a heroin addict. I read somewhere that the withdrawals of a love/romance addiction are worse than the withdrawals of an addict coming off of heroin. That sounds really scaring and horrible!
See, I know you cannot be there for me the way I 'need' you to be, because you have another life too, and my logical self understands and respects that, but my 'addicted' self wants more and more, and when I don't get what I need from you I go through withdrawals. Some are VERY, VERY painful. I know that you are busy, and it is not your fault. You are giving me all that you can possible give me, and more. I know that I should be thankful and appreciative, but unfortunately it hasn't been enough to satisfy the 'need' (love, attention, security, etc.- the needs of a love addict) that I crave so very much. And my greatest fear is that I am going to go find what I need somewhere else, and this scares me even more than you know. What if the person I attach to is even unhealthier for me than our relationship has been? What if he is dangerous? Just like my aunt who was an alcoholic, and could not find any in the house, she would substitute fingernail polish remover or rubbing alcohol instead, which are both toxic and lethal. And you know what, she DIED from her addiction. (his name), I am scared to death of what I have become. I thought that I was normal, and I had an ok life. Yes, I had my bouts with depression, but depression is in my family history and it can be inherited. I did not realize that my experiences in my childhood would have such a devastating impact on my life, and that I would turn into something worse than an alcoholic. I am a person who has no self respect, no self worth, and I am an adulteress, and a manipulator. I loath who and what I have become.
My therapist explains it like this: my new brain where all your logical thinking occurs is telling me that this relationship, our relationship, is not healthy and that I need to move on, and my old brain in the back, where all my emotions, memories, ect., exist is telling me to hold on to you and never let go. There is a constant battle going on inside of me. One side is saying, "You want this relationship with (his name). You care/love him deeply, and he makes you feel good, special, and loved. You DESPARATELY want and need to feel him physically again! You need him, and you don't want to ever let go etc." and the other side is say, "You need to RUN, run as fast as you can before you cause yourself any more pain. The pain will only get worse. Don't you want a 'normal' life? Don't you want to be a whole person? This relationship is not HEALTHY for you! (These things are constantly running through in my head, but I am like a rebellious child, and I get angry, and want what I want! Even though what I WANT may not be good for me). I know this probably sounds crazy to you, and makes absolutely NO sense, but this is the best way I can explain what I have been going through. These are my thoughts, my feelings, and my struggles. The battle continues, and I am afraid of the outcome.
(his name), I know you keep saying to me, "You need to make up your mind... do you want this relationship or not?" But if any of this makes sense to you, you can see that it is not possible for me to make up my mind. Like I said, there is a constant battle going on, and the side that wants you so much is in a lot of pain and is getting weaker by the day. What you are able and capable of giving me is just not enough to keep my addict self needs and wants met like they use to. I get some brief, temporary wonderful intense 'highs' from you, and then the next day, I come crashing down, because again, you have another life, and you have responsibilities to take care of in your real life. I know it sounds selfish of me, and believe me I beat myself up for it every day. But that is what this relationship has become for me, an addiction. A very powerful addiction that I have had for three years, and it will probably take intense therapy and group therapy for me to get better. My husband is thinking about sending me to the Caron foundation for a week of intense therapy. It is really expensive, but it may help me to get a head start on my recovery.
I hope that you will not resent me and think that I am this crazy lady that you wasted you time on, because in many ways I am grateful that you helped me through some very difficult times. And I do think that I truly love and have deep feeling for you, but they have now become very unhealthy for me. I think I started using our relationship to self medicate and numb my pain, so that I could cope with life the best I knew how. God... this hurts so badly. I am so sorry. I hope that you will not be mad at me, and I hope that you will not hate me. Please forgive me for any hurt or pain that I have caused you. My heart is breaking, but I really think I need to let go.
(my name)
I wanted to share this letter with you today in order to get some understanding, support, and encouragement. As I told you before, I am struggling with a different kind of addiction called love addiction. Sex is really not a big issue in my addiction, because my addiction is mainly focused on the feelings of being loved, feeling secure, the romance, etc. Yes, we have discussed meeting and being together physically, but we have never gone through with it. Our relationship has remained online for 3 years, except for one brief meeting offline. My therapist feels that the reason I have this addiction is because I am an ACOA, both parents were alcoholics, and I have some abandonment issues. My parents did not abandon me in a physical sense, but in an emotional sense. They were not always there when I needed them for love, support, and security. I have had a very difficult time admitting to this addiction, and I have not wanted to give it up, and this still may not be the end. I just pray that my HP will give me the strength to get through the withdrawals, and that I can take the first step in my recovery.
I have tried several times to end our relationship, but in the past, I was usually hurt by him, and I would always send emails that would blame him for manipulating me, hurting me, lying to me, etc. I thought that maybe by sending this type of email, he will be able to understand what I am going through, and he too will be able to let go. I have removed all names in this e-mail to protect the privacy of the individuals involved. My main reason for posting this letter is for me to get some feedback. I could really use some strength/ support from someone who may understand and possibly have some encouraging words. I am really, really weak today, and I am in a lot of pain. Please help.
Thanks again for taking the time to read another long post. My heart is breaking.
Sad_Hazeleyes
name),
I wanted to let you know that I talked to my husband in great lengths about us meeting possibly next month, and he is very much against it. He feels like I am emotional and physically not ready to continue even an online relationship with you. He is afraid that I will sink deeper into my depression.
The other night was WONDERFUL and so intense. It made me feel so alive and 'special', and I was so excited about us and meeting you and being with you again! I was on top of the world. I was so sexual motivated, and yes, my husband did get something out of it. Unfortunately it was only a temporary high for me. Yesterday, I was anxious most of the day, and then melancholy that evening. This is not the way anyone should live or have to live. Do you agree? You apparently have learned how to manage your addiction, or maybe you don't even have one, but you seem to be able to function normally in your every day life. This has not been the case for me. I am trying to stay busy: remodeling the house, exercising, trying to do things as a family, but you are always on my mind. I can't get you out of my head, and it is obsessive and not healthy for me.
When we first started our online relationship, it was filled with a lot of intensity and fantasy. I was caught up in a whirlwind of passion and intrigue. I longed to be with you and I craved you. I still do crave you, and have a 'need' to be with you physically. But (his name), from everything that I have read, and what my therapist has told me, and then my husband's perception of my moods and inability to cope, I am not sure if I can continue on like this. You are not here, and you do not see what is happening to me. I know it is kind of hard for you to understand what I am going through just by reading my e-mails, but the best way I can explain it is by comparing it to a heroin addict. I read somewhere that the withdrawals of a love/romance addiction are worse than the withdrawals of an addict coming off of heroin. That sounds really scaring and horrible!
See, I know you cannot be there for me the way I 'need' you to be, because you have another life too, and my logical self understands and respects that, but my 'addicted' self wants more and more, and when I don't get what I need from you I go through withdrawals. Some are VERY, VERY painful. I know that you are busy, and it is not your fault. You are giving me all that you can possible give me, and more. I know that I should be thankful and appreciative, but unfortunately it hasn't been enough to satisfy the 'need' (love, attention, security, etc.- the needs of a love addict) that I crave so very much. And my greatest fear is that I am going to go find what I need somewhere else, and this scares me even more than you know. What if the person I attach to is even unhealthier for me than our relationship has been? What if he is dangerous? Just like my aunt who was an alcoholic, and could not find any in the house, she would substitute fingernail polish remover or rubbing alcohol instead, which are both toxic and lethal. And you know what, she DIED from her addiction. (his name), I am scared to death of what I have become. I thought that I was normal, and I had an ok life. Yes, I had my bouts with depression, but depression is in my family history and it can be inherited. I did not realize that my experiences in my childhood would have such a devastating impact on my life, and that I would turn into something worse than an alcoholic. I am a person who has no self respect, no self worth, and I am an adulteress, and a manipulator. I loath who and what I have become.
My therapist explains it like this: my new brain where all your logical thinking occurs is telling me that this relationship, our relationship, is not healthy and that I need to move on, and my old brain in the back, where all my emotions, memories, ect., exist is telling me to hold on to you and never let go. There is a constant battle going on inside of me. One side is saying, "You want this relationship with (his name). You care/love him deeply, and he makes you feel good, special, and loved. You DESPARATELY want and need to feel him physically again! You need him, and you don't want to ever let go etc." and the other side is say, "You need to RUN, run as fast as you can before you cause yourself any more pain. The pain will only get worse. Don't you want a 'normal' life? Don't you want to be a whole person? This relationship is not HEALTHY for you! (These things are constantly running through in my head, but I am like a rebellious child, and I get angry, and want what I want! Even though what I WANT may not be good for me). I know this probably sounds crazy to you, and makes absolutely NO sense, but this is the best way I can explain what I have been going through. These are my thoughts, my feelings, and my struggles. The battle continues, and I am afraid of the outcome.
(his name), I know you keep saying to me, "You need to make up your mind... do you want this relationship or not?" But if any of this makes sense to you, you can see that it is not possible for me to make up my mind. Like I said, there is a constant battle going on, and the side that wants you so much is in a lot of pain and is getting weaker by the day. What you are able and capable of giving me is just not enough to keep my addict self needs and wants met like they use to. I get some brief, temporary wonderful intense 'highs' from you, and then the next day, I come crashing down, because again, you have another life, and you have responsibilities to take care of in your real life. I know it sounds selfish of me, and believe me I beat myself up for it every day. But that is what this relationship has become for me, an addiction. A very powerful addiction that I have had for three years, and it will probably take intense therapy and group therapy for me to get better. My husband is thinking about sending me to the Caron foundation for a week of intense therapy. It is really expensive, but it may help me to get a head start on my recovery.
I hope that you will not resent me and think that I am this crazy lady that you wasted you time on, because in many ways I am grateful that you helped me through some very difficult times. And I do think that I truly love and have deep feeling for you, but they have now become very unhealthy for me. I think I started using our relationship to self medicate and numb my pain, so that I could cope with life the best I knew how. God... this hurts so badly. I am so sorry. I hope that you will not be mad at me, and I hope that you will not hate me. Please forgive me for any hurt or pain that I have caused you. My heart is breaking, but I really think I need to let go.
(my name)
In Memory Of
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Connecticut.
Posts: 3,736
Let go or be dragged ...I am sorry for your pain and like with all addictions it sounds like it is affecting your family as well ..when I first began my recovery I didnt use for 5 minutes at atime , than an hour at a time , a day at a time .I feel for you in your addiction . perhaps you would benefit from some acoa meetings . The longest journey starts with a single step ..prayers ^ Trish
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 12,136
Dear friend
All I can do is say I read your post, and I'm sorry for your pain. I am not in any way qualified to interpret your letter, or your relationship with this gentleman you met online. I don't understand your references to having a husband who is aware of you having a relationship with another man.
I hope you find the help that you seek. God Bless.
Rowan
All I can do is say I read your post, and I'm sorry for your pain. I am not in any way qualified to interpret your letter, or your relationship with this gentleman you met online. I don't understand your references to having a husband who is aware of you having a relationship with another man.
I hope you find the help that you seek. God Bless.
Rowan
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
Hi SadHazeleyes,
You are doing the right things by stopping the relationship and trying to get help. I am a recovering alcoholic and I can say to you that you need to try to get through each day, and maybe each hour. You need to begin to focus on regaining control of your life. You may not think you can or that you will ever feel better, but you can and you will.
Keep posting.
Love, Anna
You are doing the right things by stopping the relationship and trying to get help. I am a recovering alcoholic and I can say to you that you need to try to get through each day, and maybe each hour. You need to begin to focus on regaining control of your life. You may not think you can or that you will ever feel better, but you can and you will.
Keep posting.
Love, Anna
Paused
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: St. Augustine, FL
Posts: 18
Hi, SadHazeleyes,
Wow, How unbelievably scary, that your situation rings so close to home. You see my whole life i have been attached to some sort of addict, my father, my daughters father, my exhusband, my now boyfriend, not to mention affairs. I too always got my high from the attention i craved from anyone who would give it to me or from trying to fix someone elses problems. I smoked pot inbetween to compensate and then eventially became addicted to heroine. The withdrawl to both from experience are very similar. Both are physically and mentally horrible. The depression that followed definitely overpowered any physical pain i endured. I am soon coming close to 30 days clean from the drugs, but still am struggling letting go of my boyfriend who has been addicted to herione for 11 years, in and out of jail (now facing 3yrs.jailtime when he comes home from rehab), and is very controlling, but u see I am so in love with him that I can't imagine life without him. Despite, my families threats to disown me if I see him when he comes home from rehab. He is in New Jersey and I have left Jersey and my children to move to FL to try to start over. I know anyone who is a mother may think how can she leave her kids behind, but was useless to them the way i was living addicted to drugs. I miss them terribly. I have struggled with depression my whole life and any one whos came off of drugs knows depression can be worse coming off of drugs, so its a constant battle everyday to stay focused and strong. I have found this time the only thing that has kept me going these days is my faith in God, since i am new here in town i have really no one to talk to, although i alienated myself from all my friends in jersey during my latest addition phase. Sometimes u feel know one understands or can relate.
Just thought you needed to know you are definitely not alone. If you ever need to talk feel free to email me.
Wow, How unbelievably scary, that your situation rings so close to home. You see my whole life i have been attached to some sort of addict, my father, my daughters father, my exhusband, my now boyfriend, not to mention affairs. I too always got my high from the attention i craved from anyone who would give it to me or from trying to fix someone elses problems. I smoked pot inbetween to compensate and then eventially became addicted to heroine. The withdrawl to both from experience are very similar. Both are physically and mentally horrible. The depression that followed definitely overpowered any physical pain i endured. I am soon coming close to 30 days clean from the drugs, but still am struggling letting go of my boyfriend who has been addicted to herione for 11 years, in and out of jail (now facing 3yrs.jailtime when he comes home from rehab), and is very controlling, but u see I am so in love with him that I can't imagine life without him. Despite, my families threats to disown me if I see him when he comes home from rehab. He is in New Jersey and I have left Jersey and my children to move to FL to try to start over. I know anyone who is a mother may think how can she leave her kids behind, but was useless to them the way i was living addicted to drugs. I miss them terribly. I have struggled with depression my whole life and any one whos came off of drugs knows depression can be worse coming off of drugs, so its a constant battle everyday to stay focused and strong. I have found this time the only thing that has kept me going these days is my faith in God, since i am new here in town i have really no one to talk to, although i alienated myself from all my friends in jersey during my latest addition phase. Sometimes u feel know one understands or can relate.
Just thought you needed to know you are definitely not alone. If you ever need to talk feel free to email me.
Gold Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: It's raining again!
Posts: 2,494
To me the computer is like an addiction,but also a way of exsperessing my inner most thoughts. To me the words I cannot speak out loud somehow get written from my soul. I told my thripist that it was like talking mental telepathy in a way. he was very interested in my going to this site and how much I was gettin out of it as a form of theripy. My one care provider even wrote down the name of this place to give to other clients. I feel the computer and online is a gift for those of us who have a hard time dealing with people face to face. You get to know people on line,you get to care about them. Feelings are feelings and feeling are real. I'm not saying that it's right to e-mail this guy and to get caught up,but your feelings are your feelings. Poor girl, i sort of know what you mean about the hubby. but then again that's between you and your hubby. your feelings are real no matter if you ACOA,addicted. I happen to love in an instant when a person is kind to me. Then ofcourse is the normal patteren of the ups and downs of any relationship be it good or bad for you. Good luck!
sparkling hazeleyes
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Alexandria VA
Posts: 81
Thanks Zoomer,
I agree that feelings regardless if they are online or not are true feelings, especially after having these deep feelings for 3 years. Unfortunately, the feelings are so deep and strong that I have become obsessed with them/ him, and that is where the love addict comes in to play. Thanks for your support and understanding.
Sad_hazeleyes
I agree that feelings regardless if they are online or not are true feelings, especially after having these deep feelings for 3 years. Unfortunately, the feelings are so deep and strong that I have become obsessed with them/ him, and that is where the love addict comes in to play. Thanks for your support and understanding.
Sad_hazeleyes
Gold Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: It's raining again!
Posts: 2,494
(((((((((((H eyes)))))))), to me and from the history of romance,all love is obsessive! soem of our greatest plays are about obbsesive love. Love songs, books...
Lucky for me my obbsessions are quick LOL! No really though I'v learned to let go f people who are hurting me and keep the ones who make me feel worth something and I can do the same for them. Also too we have to think sometimes we want more of what we can't have. All love is a dance!
Lucky for me my obbsessions are quick LOL! No really though I'v learned to let go f people who are hurting me and keep the ones who make me feel worth something and I can do the same for them. Also too we have to think sometimes we want more of what we can't have. All love is a dance!
Gold Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: It's raining again!
Posts: 2,494
LOL H-eyes, you don't want to know what my fix is for a bad love affair. it's too bad!!! Anyway, if your depressed go see a doctor or a shrink to see if you can be put on meds for depression. That is up to your doctor and you though! Keep posting away! Get out the feelings! Just between us though,there is no magic pill for a broken heart!
sparkling hazeleyes
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Alexandria VA
Posts: 81
I think I lost you somewhere back there. lol My love addiction is my self medication. The high or 'fix' that I would get from him is my self medication. It used to work better the first year, because I was on cloud 9, and did not want to come down! He knows exactly what to say to give me that fix, but unfortunately the fix doesn't last as long as it used to. Does that make sense?
Gold Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: It's raining again!
Posts: 2,494
LOL, ya I'm always lost,comes with being a blond 
ya I know what ya mean,but it sounds more like your grieving all the time more so than being addicted. Perhaps your addicted to grieving? I know I get that way sometimes because my life has been hell,but then I'm happy again. Everyone does something for pleasure. I try to find things that intrest me such as poetry, reading, being with my kids (they are always interesting LOL). I don't know I guess I'm at the stage of my life where i take each day as it comes. I try to plan,but I need a schedule. I'm no good left to my own devices at times. I get the humdrums if I'm not busy,but then I get the humdrums if I'm too busy. My advice is not to be too hard on yourself S.H.E. We all are who we are and do what we do. Who's perfect anyway! I get sick of trying to fix myself or have someone say I'm doing things wrong. I'm OK with myself today or at least this minute. (((((((((((((huggys)))))))))))))) and be kind to yourself.
ya I know what ya mean,but it sounds more like your grieving all the time more so than being addicted. Perhaps your addicted to grieving? I know I get that way sometimes because my life has been hell,but then I'm happy again. Everyone does something for pleasure. I try to find things that intrest me such as poetry, reading, being with my kids (they are always interesting LOL). I don't know I guess I'm at the stage of my life where i take each day as it comes. I try to plan,but I need a schedule. I'm no good left to my own devices at times. I get the humdrums if I'm not busy,but then I get the humdrums if I'm too busy. My advice is not to be too hard on yourself S.H.E. We all are who we are and do what we do. Who's perfect anyway! I get sick of trying to fix myself or have someone say I'm doing things wrong. I'm OK with myself today or at least this minute. (((((((((((((huggys)))))))))))))) and be kind to yourself.
sparkling hazeleyes
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Alexandria VA
Posts: 81
Thanks Zoomer, you have put a smile on my face, and it was nice to laugh and joke a little too. I will try to do what you have suggested, but being kind to myself will be the most difficult.
(((((((((((((hugs back at ya))))))))))))))))))))))
(((((((((((((hugs back at ya))))))))))))))))))))))
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