Thatdeliveryguy

I started drinking again late last night. I decided not to take my medication this morning and missed my weekly visit with my daughter.

CPS gave my parents a machine and I have to blow every-time I see my daughter. I can't blow this morning, so now I've disappeared. But they are smart ( CPS is) diappering means I have to explain where I've been, that means I would have to lie. Lying, they see right through me, meaning that this is going on my permanent record and I am screwed.

Well I keep doing this too myself, I can't stay sober which mean I seriously thinking about giving up. I didn't take my medication this morning, for me that means delusions and crazy stuff will start sometime today.

I just can't do this, I am not capable, I am an addicts addict. I seriously think I don't care about anyone but me, and in that regard I don't even care about me because I am killing me with some stupid substance.

So here is the crossroads, and TDG (Jeremy) is about to toss in the towel and let fate kill him. Whatever, I am still a bit tipsy so I guess I am posting honesty and how I really feel.

Giving up is it for me, I can't do this, too many problems, no amount of anything advice, friends, family, even losing my daughter stops me...... So I think its high time I throw in towel, I am losing this battle and with my last liver numbers, its not long before things get real for me.... They were very bad, but no more feeling sorry for me!

I QUIT, quitting! This is it no more medication, no more, just no more time to quit quitting and realize I am an addict and as such I am going to lose everything, maybe my life..........

Carlotta

You are not just giving up on yourself but you are also giving up on your little girl. I'm sure your parents are wonderful but she needs her daddy!

A while back you were talking about checking in into rehab and I really really think that you should do so. You have nothing to lose at this point so pick yourself up and make that phone call!

ScottFromWI

Call 911 or go to the ER TDG...you've been here before and they will make sure you take your meds just like they have before. Inpatient rehab is really your only option now, and you've known that for a while. Please get it.

You wouldn't be here telling us you give up if you had really given up...so get to doing what you need to do.

biminiblue

Call 911 now.

You are a worthy person. Just get some help so you can see that. Take the meds.

IOAA2

Hi.

I used to have what they called terminal uniqueness and was finally convinced that all the despair I felt was the alcohol talking and making me think very irrationally.
Accepting I cannot drink in safety and listening at meetings gave me the desperation to try to ask for help to keep me from drinking. That day my resistance to not drink grew with some kind of inspiration that came from somewhere and I have not had a drink since ’78.

This staying sober business is some serious stuff and a desire is a part of success. It involves work and change and for me growing up from being an undisciplined spoiled individual to a grateful sober person today.
I needed to remember even with me not drinking that life still happens with it’s bumps etc, we learn how to handle life on life’s terms, like it or not.

BE WELL

HenryKrinkle

You can do it and you are capable. You just need to take action. Over and over and over again, the advice of the SR community has been to get into a long term inpatient program. That hasn't changed. Please take action to get the help you need. That's something you have to do to help yourself. We can give all of the advice in the world, but it's up to you to take action.

Findingtheway

This is sad.

Get help. Take away the option. Make drinking not an option.

It's your life. Don't let it take you.

Prayers your way TDG.

suki44883

Jeremy this is a pattern with you. Every few days you change from being willing to do whatever it takes to throwing in the towel and giving up.

Everyone has issues, Jeremy. Recovery is hard; very hard! You have to be willing to do what is necessary and stick to it. Sure, there will be bumps in the road, but refusing to take your meds is the first step to falling apart completely and using it as an excuse to drink.

Either you want recovery or you don't. Only you can decide.

doggonecarl

How quickly we swing from the **** This Habit post to I quit.

You aren't quitting. Quitters just quit. They don't come to the forum to post about it. A part of you wants it. Wants help.

I just don't think the forum can give you the help you need, which is professional help. All we can give you is hope.

newhope01

I am so sorry to read this.

Why do we become so defeated and give up on ourselves TDG?

I think you need to be thinking about your daughter. I wish my father tried half as hard as you have to get sober for me as you have tried for your daughter. You obviously care.

You still have options and your daughter deserves to have a father. Time to check into rehab and do whatever it takes to get your daughter back.

HotSauceJeff

You need help beyond the support we have all tried... Please consider getting it now... This is the realization that you no longer can do it alone an perhaps inpatient is the best option... It's never to late..... You can do this.

foolsgold66

Can't isn't the right word. You won't do it. That's what you are saying, over and over, and over, despite the advice you have been given. There are those in worse shape than you that have made it out. That's the way life works, you can behave exactly as you choose, be prepared to face the consequences.

Alchemist1978

Hey Jeremy,

I have a young daughter also and she gives me strength for my new found sobriety. You can give up on yourself but wouldn't that be like giving up on your daughter. My wife was 6 when her father died from Alcohol. Please don't give up on your daughter. Daughters always hold there father's heart.

Will pray for you.

SoberLeigh

Giving up and throwing in the towel are not parts of the legacy you want to leave with your daughter. She is a child now but in a couple of blinks of an eye she will be will begin to understand, become a teenager and an adult. She needs to learn healthy coping skills from YOU so that when she faces issues and challenges she can make healthy choices. You don't want to leave her believing that giving up and throwing in the towels are options; I know you don't; your love for your little girl is obvious.

Please go to the ER, detox, get your meds in balance and ask to go to rehab, TDG.

giochick

Hi Jeremy,

This is the first time I have posted on one of your threads, but I have read and followed your progress for some time here on SR. First of all, I want to say how sorry I am that you are suffering and I know how hard all of this is. That being said, I have to ask, what exactly is it that you want from the community here at SR? You seem to have a definite pattern of relapsing and posting threads where you state you are giving up and sometimes make vague references to suicide (which is very alarming for us to read. No matter how far down the rabbit hole you have fallen, we care about you and want to see you be successful at sobriety) which is usually followed by a post full of optimism and a new found dedication to sobriety. I am not asking this because I want you to stop posting but because I truly want to know: how can we help you? You have been repeatedly given good, sound advice on a number of occasions, and that advice hasn't changed, nor will it.

I will follow the advice that a number of other posters have given you: I think at this point that it has been shown that you need inpatient rehab. I know it's not what you want to do, and it's not what you want to hear. But you keep doing the same thing, and expecting different results. And as we all know, that is the definition of insanity (and let's face it, alcoholism has made must of us here insane at one point or another). I know you are facing a lot of obstacles right now: you are worried about your wife, you are trying to win back custody of your daughter, you are unemployed and worried about money and your living situation, you have companion animals that you care for, you have mental health issues that make things difficult for you. And on top of that you are struggling with a crippling addiction to alcohol. But I think you need to address that before you address any of the other problems that you are facing. Sobriety isn't magic, it won't make all those other problems go away, but I can tell you that it makes it a lot easier to confront and deal with them one by one. So my advice would be to put your stuff in storage, find a temporary home for your animals (you have mentioned before that this was an option) and go to rehab. There are many of them in Reno that accept Medicaid (I know, I lived there for three years, and have been to a couple of them). I think you need to accept that you need help and doing this on your own isn't working. And that's okay. Some of us need help to beat this awful thing called addiction. I am thinking of you today, and I want you to know that many people her at SR are rooting for you.

Eshgham

Sounds like your daughter is a trigger. As wonderful as seeing her is, I'm sure it's also very stressful for you. You need a plan to deal with the stress/anxiety leading up to seeing her possibly causes.

JanieJ

How long are you going to stay on this merry go round, Jeremy ?

Please get some help and stop this cycle. Is it not time you got your life together and gave yourself, your daughter and your parents some peace of mind ?

Anna

Jeremy, as I see it, this is no longer about you.

It's about your daughter, who is left wondering where her father is.

Of course you can stop drinking. Of course, you can.

As others have said, go to the ER and get your meds straightened out.

Thatdeliveryguy

I think everyone here gives awesome sound advice. At times I've taken that advice other times I have not. I vacillate, my post can be inspiring and hopefully or dreadfully awful. I honestly can't control how I think.....

I know I confuse many, you see highs and lows, you see plethora of post each with its own tone. My friends, that is mental illness, day to day I can go from high to low in seconds, I feel like I own the world one moment and then want to die the next. I am sorry for these extreme states of being I experience.

My illusions and experiences are my own, I own up to them. I know I confuse, I know my post change in tone and demeanor at the flip of a hat. I can't change that, honestly I am paranoid, delusional if not medicated, I certifiably crazy, on more than one occasion they've wanted to institutionalize me.

Outpatient, inpatient, who the hell knows! Not me, I am undecided.

Oh gosh, I feel bad now , someone mentioned illusions to suicide. I would like to say a person I knew committed suicide, his name was nicky, he was a good guy. LOL, we hated each other to the bone, fought a lot, but somewhere there was an understanding. When he actually did it, I didn't know what to say, what do you say about a person you love to hate, and hate to love..........

I will never commit suicide, I promise that, if you're considering it please hit me up with a PM, honestly this man has lots of issues, but I care for people immensely and understand addiction and mental illness. So please, if I've ever eluded to suicide I am sorry, it simply is not an option. I am sad, and depressed a lot, If I don't take the meds I hear @##$ that doesn't exist, I deal with it, or try too. Its a state of being I've grown to try and embrace, but really it eats me alive.

Stress and anxiety and delusions are all me, what can I say. However, I want to make it clear because it was mentioned suicide is not an option. As crazy, and up and down as I am, I would never do that.

I do think that I am a addicts addict, I gamble, drink and had a real affinity for psychedelics for years, acid, shrooms, Mescaline done it all, it was a release, it was an altered state of reality. I don't tell the professionals about that, but am comfortable saying it here.

Thank you all for your responses, I am trying to process whats going on, my wife has convinced me to take my pills. I hate pills, pills are my life without them, its scary things happen in my head, voices say bad things, people are out to get me. I wish that reality on nobody, if your having issues with that PM me too, I get it. Oh do I get it, sorry for all the blatherings, I know I sound unwelll because I am.

Thank you all for your responses, they aren't going unheard, I am just lost.... I want to quit but can't quit, its like my own mind tells me too to do things that aren't right. Its a weird sensation......

newhope01

So much all this^^^

I harbor so much resentment for my father and I use to be daddy's girl. I resent him for not being a dad. Not so much he's an addict but he was never there for me. I raised myself and had to grow up fast.

He gave up and threw in the towel and plays victim. Until he puts in the effort to get clean and takes responsibility for his actions, we can never have a relationship. But unfortunately I don't think recovery is in the cards for him, but it could be for you.