Anxiety triggered again...so confused
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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Anxiety triggered again...so confused
Yesterday my adult daughter asked me to go to coffee. I always know that when she asks me to coffee it will be an emotional question for me...and she will ask it but she then denies it is emotional for her and says she has it handled...and only cries to get through it. Probably through.
However, when I experience the crying of others...I respond as if it is me crying and I am so unable to cry without it coming from so deep within me that often I don't even know what I am processing (although I know my patterns)--grieving an ACOA childhood, grieving my own losses--out of 6 children--1 child death, 3 addicted child--thank you God...2 functioning; not in recovery-1 in active heroin addiction; all enablers (I keep working on taking my steps as I have for 19 years).
I am so afraid and anxious. The last straw was losing my last job. I was told yesterday by my oldest daughter, who in her 30's seems to be maturing finally that...the mess of a woman I saw on Thursday in my naranon meeting is how I look when I am over the edge (and over the past 5 years it has been so very bad...as I supported husband through business failure, bankruptcy and foreclosure...only to realize that my adult children all blame me for everything...and that the scapegoating and avoidance that I have gone through with family of origin since my father died (clean and sober due to a massive stroke--but still an alcoholic) and so much doubt about myself and seeing therapists and trying to work on myself with many detours into trying to 'help' the family while working on myself.
I am a mess. I have been told by therapists that I am resilient and perseverant. I do recovery to the deepest of my ability. There is no doubt that I have gained in clarity and then worked through layers and then had other layers come up from the subconscious as I see more layers. My truth has been denied by two generations of family and now the adult children are telling me their 'secrets' about one another--my husband and middle daughter are very private people...so they don't tell me anything...and as that was true in family of origin...I have gotten so much better of letting go and not asking...and I don't want to know...but yesterday my oldest daughter 'told' me and swore me to secrecy...and I just feel trapped in all the web.
It wasn't bad...middle daughter is having one of her daughters treated for possible childhood depression which is good in my eyes...the reason I was so vocal and open in the early years when I was finally diagnosed (at age 45) for clinical depression...and the work I was doing on it.
My therapist has all but assured me that AH has probably blamed most of the family problems on me and being 'sick'...he assures me that 'sick' is sick...and that we just need to keep walking forward...but the truth I can no longer avoid is that he never makes money...he works at construction jobs but it was my savings that kept us going throughout...and now as I lost my job and he is in his home country 'finishing' a job that he underbid and 'blaming' his client for being so tight with money...and also exploding and blaming but has always been nice when he is with others...I just feel completely gone and I am doing some 'screening' interviews and just trying to focus on showing up and my HP...(I call God).
I don't know how much more I can take. My husband is coming 'home' next week...he promised to finish the 'job' in two months...it has taken 7...my daughter is afraid (per my therapist) that we are going to separate...I told her yesterday that I am not leaving him...and I expressed compassion for the pain she feels as she has experienced her sibling...middle child who takes after husband...for making the shared apartment that husband found for us when we lost our house hers...in the past 2 years...she refused to let me come back to stay...even temporarily...and then kicked out her brother who she invited in...and this older daughter who has been living with her and now her brother...but what I see is that they are all lost in their own problems...it is all about survival...and no one hears what I have to say...even though I am honest.
I am 60--I am praying to God to help me, help me, help me...but have never felt weaker or less strong...no matter what people perceive on my outside. I am setting boundaries and quite honestly the home-coming of husband strikes dread in me as I am afraid he is coming back just to get out of his problem and then will leave...but am working on not future tripping.
I have no idea what I am doing but am working on myself...and just trying to take steps...and they seem so insignificant compared to the mountain but have been told by therapists that I am not crazy (part of me going to Chile to 'help' husband resulted in two middle children rebonding with family of origin and all kinds of grudges being aired...and I could feel it...that triggered me to get into more therapy.
I feel like such a loser...but that is not what my efforts and accomplishments say so far in life but per everything I have read, done for 24 years...etc. I have gone downhill. Working on loving myself enough.
Can anyone relate? I am so isolated and feel so alone.
However, when I experience the crying of others...I respond as if it is me crying and I am so unable to cry without it coming from so deep within me that often I don't even know what I am processing (although I know my patterns)--grieving an ACOA childhood, grieving my own losses--out of 6 children--1 child death, 3 addicted child--thank you God...2 functioning; not in recovery-1 in active heroin addiction; all enablers (I keep working on taking my steps as I have for 19 years).
I am so afraid and anxious. The last straw was losing my last job. I was told yesterday by my oldest daughter, who in her 30's seems to be maturing finally that...the mess of a woman I saw on Thursday in my naranon meeting is how I look when I am over the edge (and over the past 5 years it has been so very bad...as I supported husband through business failure, bankruptcy and foreclosure...only to realize that my adult children all blame me for everything...and that the scapegoating and avoidance that I have gone through with family of origin since my father died (clean and sober due to a massive stroke--but still an alcoholic) and so much doubt about myself and seeing therapists and trying to work on myself with many detours into trying to 'help' the family while working on myself.
I am a mess. I have been told by therapists that I am resilient and perseverant. I do recovery to the deepest of my ability. There is no doubt that I have gained in clarity and then worked through layers and then had other layers come up from the subconscious as I see more layers. My truth has been denied by two generations of family and now the adult children are telling me their 'secrets' about one another--my husband and middle daughter are very private people...so they don't tell me anything...and as that was true in family of origin...I have gotten so much better of letting go and not asking...and I don't want to know...but yesterday my oldest daughter 'told' me and swore me to secrecy...and I just feel trapped in all the web.
It wasn't bad...middle daughter is having one of her daughters treated for possible childhood depression which is good in my eyes...the reason I was so vocal and open in the early years when I was finally diagnosed (at age 45) for clinical depression...and the work I was doing on it.
My therapist has all but assured me that AH has probably blamed most of the family problems on me and being 'sick'...he assures me that 'sick' is sick...and that we just need to keep walking forward...but the truth I can no longer avoid is that he never makes money...he works at construction jobs but it was my savings that kept us going throughout...and now as I lost my job and he is in his home country 'finishing' a job that he underbid and 'blaming' his client for being so tight with money...and also exploding and blaming but has always been nice when he is with others...I just feel completely gone and I am doing some 'screening' interviews and just trying to focus on showing up and my HP...(I call God).
I don't know how much more I can take. My husband is coming 'home' next week...he promised to finish the 'job' in two months...it has taken 7...my daughter is afraid (per my therapist) that we are going to separate...I told her yesterday that I am not leaving him...and I expressed compassion for the pain she feels as she has experienced her sibling...middle child who takes after husband...for making the shared apartment that husband found for us when we lost our house hers...in the past 2 years...she refused to let me come back to stay...even temporarily...and then kicked out her brother who she invited in...and this older daughter who has been living with her and now her brother...but what I see is that they are all lost in their own problems...it is all about survival...and no one hears what I have to say...even though I am honest.
I am 60--I am praying to God to help me, help me, help me...but have never felt weaker or less strong...no matter what people perceive on my outside. I am setting boundaries and quite honestly the home-coming of husband strikes dread in me as I am afraid he is coming back just to get out of his problem and then will leave...but am working on not future tripping.
I have no idea what I am doing but am working on myself...and just trying to take steps...and they seem so insignificant compared to the mountain but have been told by therapists that I am not crazy (part of me going to Chile to 'help' husband resulted in two middle children rebonding with family of origin and all kinds of grudges being aired...and I could feel it...that triggered me to get into more therapy.
I feel like such a loser...but that is not what my efforts and accomplishments say so far in life but per everything I have read, done for 24 years...etc. I have gone downhill. Working on loving myself enough.
Can anyone relate? I am so isolated and feel so alone.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: WI
Posts: 240
Iris you and I are just so anxious lately aren't we? I feel alone and isolated as well. Your doing your best. I feel I'm on here telling the same story over and over and feeling helpless to stop myself from doing everything I know is rational lately. But we all have triggers. Ours is being tested. You'll get through this. Reread what you wrote. You are doing healthy things for yourself so give yourself credit because it's deserved. The steps backward aren't failures, they are chances to get back up and try again. I hate to hear you beat yourself up inside. Please don't do that. Be your own best friend. My prayers for your peace of mine..... hugs to you.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 413
Irisgardens, you seem so very enmeshed in the problems and failings of other people. We don't need to carry the whole world on our shoulders.
We codies tend to think we are responsible for EVERYTHING that happens to everyone we love. I know that I drove myself crazy worrying about my addicted ex bf.
It was a blessing for me when I realized that I just wasn't responsible for other peoples' actions, and that I could let them experience their own consequences and still be happy in my own life. Even if that meant that they weren't always happy with choices that I made.
A couple examples of how this played out:
My mother went through a deep depression starting 4 years ago, one that has still not completely lifted. She was miserable, and did everything she could to pull others into her misery. I didn't say much for about a year -- just listened to her talk about her misery, and once or twice suggested she speak to a therapist or psychiatrist -- suggestions which were not well-received, to say the least. Finally, after one particularly long and teary conversation during Christmas dinner, I told her that I would not talk to her again until she saw a doctor, and went no contact for about a year. I'll come back to this in a minute.
Three years ago I quit my job to start my own business. You cannot imagine the flack I took from my parents and extended family, my ex bf (who I was still with at the time), friends...everyone was upset with me!
I'm making twice the money now than I was making then and I am 10 times happier. If I had listened to other people I'd still be stuck at a job I detested, and living with someone who was deeply addicted to cocaine with no interest in recovery.
Getting back to my mother, she never did seek help, but after about a year I went to visit for Christmas, and she was somewhat better. And she knew better than to spread her misery toward me. But what is really important is that she is now infirm and will soon need home health care. And because of the positive changes I was able to manifest in my life, I am in a position to help her.
I write these two things because you mention that you are going through a job search, and that a lot of people seem to depend on you. You can manage both more effectively if you are able to filter out other peoples' crap, even if it upsets them. Try this sometime: let your daughter just cry. And you don't cry. Think of something pleasant while she's crying -- a vacation or a massage. Let her have her feelings, but don't take them on as yours. You don't need to do that.
We codies tend to think we are responsible for EVERYTHING that happens to everyone we love. I know that I drove myself crazy worrying about my addicted ex bf.
It was a blessing for me when I realized that I just wasn't responsible for other peoples' actions, and that I could let them experience their own consequences and still be happy in my own life. Even if that meant that they weren't always happy with choices that I made.
A couple examples of how this played out:
My mother went through a deep depression starting 4 years ago, one that has still not completely lifted. She was miserable, and did everything she could to pull others into her misery. I didn't say much for about a year -- just listened to her talk about her misery, and once or twice suggested she speak to a therapist or psychiatrist -- suggestions which were not well-received, to say the least. Finally, after one particularly long and teary conversation during Christmas dinner, I told her that I would not talk to her again until she saw a doctor, and went no contact for about a year. I'll come back to this in a minute.
Three years ago I quit my job to start my own business. You cannot imagine the flack I took from my parents and extended family, my ex bf (who I was still with at the time), friends...everyone was upset with me!
I'm making twice the money now than I was making then and I am 10 times happier. If I had listened to other people I'd still be stuck at a job I detested, and living with someone who was deeply addicted to cocaine with no interest in recovery.
Getting back to my mother, she never did seek help, but after about a year I went to visit for Christmas, and she was somewhat better. And she knew better than to spread her misery toward me. But what is really important is that she is now infirm and will soon need home health care. And because of the positive changes I was able to manifest in my life, I am in a position to help her.
I write these two things because you mention that you are going through a job search, and that a lot of people seem to depend on you. You can manage both more effectively if you are able to filter out other peoples' crap, even if it upsets them. Try this sometime: let your daughter just cry. And you don't cry. Think of something pleasant while she's crying -- a vacation or a massage. Let her have her feelings, but don't take them on as yours. You don't need to do that.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
.but what I see is that they are all lost in their own problems...it is all about survival...and no one hears what I have to say...even though I am honest.
I believe all these people are adults today, yes? Nobody can change the past, but each one of them is responsible for today and what they do with it. I know you love them but are also intimidated and hurt by how they treat you. There is nobody to validate YOUR feelings, YOUR dreams and YOUR choices in life. That doesn't mean that your feelings aren't valid, it means they aren't listening with compassion.
Sometimes we have to validate ourselves, I do that through affirmations sometimes. "I am a loving child of God, worthy of love and respect" is one I use often.
Your feelings are valid, your life is important and what you choose to do with it matters. If you can remember that each day, it won't matter one lick what others say or think.
If we do our best to be the best personal we can be, no matter how that works out, then we are living well and don't need to apologize to anyone.
You are stronger than you think.
Hugs
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Posts: 923
Needabreak...that is awesome...thank you so much...so needed to hear this.
Husband just called from Chile...said his phone was out this am...so that piece of anxiety lifted.
I love what you are saying about the whole family thing...because them crying...even when she was saying that she was afraid her dad was going to leave 'me' and then also that she was mad because he promised to come back in 2 but came back in 7 and she depended on him to take care of her son...and otherwise she wouldn't have moved up to the bay area again...i need to just let her talk and not respond because I am the one getting on the crazy train...that was yesterday and she is mad because she is afraid her house down south won't sell and that she won't be able to get her own apartment (when it came to the bottom of all)--in the meantime...I got on what I have heard called the crazytrain and sound so pathetic.
Husband contacted me...and will be home on Thursday. I am happy that he finished the job commitment he had there even though we made no money...I didn't have to fund more from here...so for today he is doing his part.
I think we are now experiencing adult children...and thank you so much because when I allow anybody to tell me these kinds of things...I go down for the count...and I need to keep going forward.
Your ideas are great. Am dealing with being told that daughter #2 is going to her grandmothers for Thanksgiving and had those feelings above...but it is for the best as she is an ex crystal meth addict (who grandma didn't want anything to do with when addicted but now loves being the queen bee with my kids--I had accepted that but had a relapse when I realized that the grudges and whatever in family of origin are targeted towards me...but what the hey...doing my work--so this was a new phase of the family sage (my immediate...not family of origin and I have been told that I retrigger when Mom does these things or I am around people like her who do--needy and dependent until you go down for the count and then gone...daughter #2 acts like her and that has been hard to accept but doing it).
I have told my children that I don't assume I am welcome in their lives and if they want me there they can invite me...don't know if that is ok...but pretty much holding the boundary...as we did have a pretty enmeshed family due to Dad and I working pretty hard to hold the family together after son passed...and then the girls got into drugs in their teenage years...but they are no longer under age...and I have prepared myself for years that, as adults, am allowing them to make their own choices and live their own lives.
Thank you so much...when everything comes in at once...I get really bad...but your post is really good experience, strength and hope...and I have Thanksgiving plans...and I realize that there is always sibling rivalry and working to not go down the rabbit hole...daughter did trigger it...but she has no idea.
I am remembering that I have been working for almost 20 years now to not over share as my mother did with me...as well as be the most loving mother I could be...went into therapy for that...so I have made progress and as you were writing...got some sense back...I have always been empathetic and compassionate (that was the big ah hah in therapy--one of the big break throughs)--but I can be triggered when I just get inundated and then people don't remember what they said...so will be more careful going forward.
Is this the duct tape concept?
Husband just called from Chile...said his phone was out this am...so that piece of anxiety lifted.
I love what you are saying about the whole family thing...because them crying...even when she was saying that she was afraid her dad was going to leave 'me' and then also that she was mad because he promised to come back in 2 but came back in 7 and she depended on him to take care of her son...and otherwise she wouldn't have moved up to the bay area again...i need to just let her talk and not respond because I am the one getting on the crazy train...that was yesterday and she is mad because she is afraid her house down south won't sell and that she won't be able to get her own apartment (when it came to the bottom of all)--in the meantime...I got on what I have heard called the crazytrain and sound so pathetic.
Husband contacted me...and will be home on Thursday. I am happy that he finished the job commitment he had there even though we made no money...I didn't have to fund more from here...so for today he is doing his part.
I think we are now experiencing adult children...and thank you so much because when I allow anybody to tell me these kinds of things...I go down for the count...and I need to keep going forward.
Your ideas are great. Am dealing with being told that daughter #2 is going to her grandmothers for Thanksgiving and had those feelings above...but it is for the best as she is an ex crystal meth addict (who grandma didn't want anything to do with when addicted but now loves being the queen bee with my kids--I had accepted that but had a relapse when I realized that the grudges and whatever in family of origin are targeted towards me...but what the hey...doing my work--so this was a new phase of the family sage (my immediate...not family of origin and I have been told that I retrigger when Mom does these things or I am around people like her who do--needy and dependent until you go down for the count and then gone...daughter #2 acts like her and that has been hard to accept but doing it).
I have told my children that I don't assume I am welcome in their lives and if they want me there they can invite me...don't know if that is ok...but pretty much holding the boundary...as we did have a pretty enmeshed family due to Dad and I working pretty hard to hold the family together after son passed...and then the girls got into drugs in their teenage years...but they are no longer under age...and I have prepared myself for years that, as adults, am allowing them to make their own choices and live their own lives.
Thank you so much...when everything comes in at once...I get really bad...but your post is really good experience, strength and hope...and I have Thanksgiving plans...and I realize that there is always sibling rivalry and working to not go down the rabbit hole...daughter did trigger it...but she has no idea.
I am remembering that I have been working for almost 20 years now to not over share as my mother did with me...as well as be the most loving mother I could be...went into therapy for that...so I have made progress and as you were writing...got some sense back...I have always been empathetic and compassionate (that was the big ah hah in therapy--one of the big break throughs)--but I can be triggered when I just get inundated and then people don't remember what they said...so will be more careful going forward.
Is this the duct tape concept?
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Ann...thank you--that is what my therapist said...and I am working to accept and set boundaries...they are selfish and self absorbed. It took me two months between July and August to accept that...but it is true...and no judgment. Husband is feeling much better that he finished his obligation and I am reminding myself that all I have to do is adjust when he comes home and also look for a job. Thank you guys...was really low...but I can't do it anymore and they are all adult children and they will all either wake up when they wake up or they won't wake up but I need to just go more superficial...as today...the same daughter who told me all her problems and 'shared' in confidence about daughter #2--with promise that I am not to tell...but I just don't want to hear it anymore...I think. It isn't worth it...daughter #2--having already gone through her addict years with her and then experienced that she has not dealt with her issues and blames me...I know how much damage that can do and how long it can be done...so I need to be a bit more intelligent and set more emotional boundaries. However, you guys made me feel better and I am accepting and working on standing up and walking.
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dg7X5_K7LhE
Dear irisgardens,
I am tempted to call an emergency wartime SR tribunal
with the aim of FORCIBLY directing you to read Ann's 11:24
post in this thread.....ALOUD 100 times.
One hopes it won't come to that, but the SR Sergeant-at-
arms stands ready to enforce the will of the SR body politic.
Your therapist said you have resilience and perseverance.
Lady, those are the only two traits that are worth a crap in this
thing called life and the REASON everyone is sticking a straw
the diameter of a GARDEN HOSE in your cup and SUCKING for
all they're worth.
So you're 60 and never have felt weaker or less strong?
(You are REALLY pissing the duck off now!).
It's time for YOU. It's time to truncate the straws that are sucking
the life out of you. If life and flight are so frigging EASY for these straw
suckers----let them do it with their OWN wings.
NOW.......scroll your ass up past your last 3 posts to Ann's 11:24 and
READ it.....emotionally absorb it.....and internalize it.
The SR Sergeant-at-arms is right over there in the corner, one eyebrow
upraised. No hand on his sidearm yet but this is not a good time to press to test.
You are a human being. You matter. You are NOT a "7-11 41oz Super Big Gulp"
for the world to stick a straw in and suck until you are dry.
Now scroll up 3 posts to Ann's 11:24.
(That's an order, soldier.)
Dear irisgardens,
I am tempted to call an emergency wartime SR tribunal
with the aim of FORCIBLY directing you to read Ann's 11:24
post in this thread.....ALOUD 100 times.
One hopes it won't come to that, but the SR Sergeant-at-
arms stands ready to enforce the will of the SR body politic.
Your therapist said you have resilience and perseverance.
Lady, those are the only two traits that are worth a crap in this
thing called life and the REASON everyone is sticking a straw
the diameter of a GARDEN HOSE in your cup and SUCKING for
all they're worth.
So you're 60 and never have felt weaker or less strong?
(You are REALLY pissing the duck off now!).
It's time for YOU. It's time to truncate the straws that are sucking
the life out of you. If life and flight are so frigging EASY for these straw
suckers----let them do it with their OWN wings.
NOW.......scroll your ass up past your last 3 posts to Ann's 11:24 and
READ it.....emotionally absorb it.....and internalize it.
The SR Sergeant-at-arms is right over there in the corner, one eyebrow
upraised. No hand on his sidearm yet but this is not a good time to press to test.
You are a human being. You matter. You are NOT a "7-11 41oz Super Big Gulp"
for the world to stick a straw in and suck until you are dry.
Now scroll up 3 posts to Ann's 11:24.
(That's an order, soldier.)
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Sheesh, that duck had ME running back up to see what I said. 
If we can believe in ourselves, even when nobody else does, and hold our faith and our values and stand for what we believe, even when we stand alone...we have arrived at that place of true serenity that recovery promises.
The wonderful thing is that the more we practice, the better we get at doing just that.
Stand tall, I'm walking with you but you are the one who gets to carry the duck food. I have the cheesecake.
If we can believe in ourselves, even when nobody else does, and hold our faith and our values and stand for what we believe, even when we stand alone...we have arrived at that place of true serenity that recovery promises.
The wonderful thing is that the more we practice, the better we get at doing just that.
Stand tall, I'm walking with you but you are the one who gets to carry the duck food. I have the cheesecake.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
Standing, Standing, Standing.
Hope the duck's feathers are a little less ruffled...makes it harder to create down pillows!
Thank you all. I am just struggling...that's all...and I am doing better...trying not to blame myself for everything...the family keeps saying I am not accountable for my own stuff...and that makes me mad...have been nothing other than accountable all my life...so well...what the hey...babysat my grandson and working not to go over the edge and will be working on getting my unemployment accessible, my COBRA insurance in place...need to send paperwork...and chillin' a bit.
Hope the duck's feathers are a little less ruffled...makes it harder to create down pillows!
Thank you all. I am just struggling...that's all...and I am doing better...trying not to blame myself for everything...the family keeps saying I am not accountable for my own stuff...and that makes me mad...have been nothing other than accountable all my life...so well...what the hey...babysat my grandson and working not to go over the edge and will be working on getting my unemployment accessible, my COBRA insurance in place...need to send paperwork...and chillin' a bit.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
Vale, loved your ringtone and your message and I did scroll up to Ann's message and then kept reading it over the weekend...and I realize how much support I have here...and that family is crazy-making and just trying to take it calmly...one step at a time. I am probably even manufacturing fears...my daughter was emotional...but she was all over the place...and I recognize myself in that...even with the work I have done...so just standing in the open and not allowing the triggers and fears to get the better of me...and working to get a job...right now praying for help...had a few calls last week where I might get connected but also may need to have someone redo my resume better...and so that is something to think on and ask for guidance.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Dear Iris,
For a second there, I thought the sweet duck was reading my thoughts!!!
And don't worry, I can fix his feathers!
Count me in...I'm standing with you too, and ya, I'll carry the duck food, it's
my turn anyways.
Love ya Iris!
TF
For a second there, I thought the sweet duck was reading my thoughts!!!
And don't worry, I can fix his feathers!
Count me in...I'm standing with you too, and ya, I'll carry the duck food, it's
my turn anyways.
Love ya Iris!
TF
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
Had a little chat with daughter and mentioned that I love ALL my children and I still don't want to talk to one kid about another (she knows that this is true...have been working on it for almost 20 years now--aside from therapy to figure out how to be the best mother I could be--I was very firm on this about her sister...when she and the now addict (wasn't then) were 'talking'.
She started coming back with some of her own solutions (& sharing) and I encouraged her and we have agreed to keep it positive, and not talk about her siblings when with me.
She was grateful that I watched my grandson 3 nights since Saturday due to her extended night shift as a nurse.
Back in the saddle...starting to realize that when she reacts emotionally...it is all about her own worries...and so I can hug her and say I love you without interfering.
She started coming back with some of her own solutions (& sharing) and I encouraged her and we have agreed to keep it positive, and not talk about her siblings when with me.
She was grateful that I watched my grandson 3 nights since Saturday due to her extended night shift as a nurse.
Back in the saddle...starting to realize that when she reacts emotionally...it is all about her own worries...and so I can hug her and say I love you without interfering.
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