Melina

I don't know what to do.

I post and post on SR, I disappear, I get wasted. All of that happens.

Reconnected with a guy I met five years ago in a beautiful way. We met at a farming class, we have kept in touch.

Our talk became flirty and we decided to meet. I've been seeing him over a month now.

He's got a very small child and a heroin addicted wife. They both know the relationship is over and she agrees he should take the child bc she can not handle him at all in any way.

He doesn't drink much, if ever, bc he is not an alcoholic and he had a million pressures on top of him trying to get away from her and the needles she leaves around and the fear he feels when he goes to work. He's had to go to the ER bc the heroin addicted wife nods off and the child ingested random pills.

So many more examples of her behavior but you get it.

He wants nothing more than to ditch her. She has tried to 'sell' the child to him before so she can just go get high.

He is looking at me like this great hope even though I keep telling him I have a serious problem with alcohol.

I told my sister that I'm in a new relationship and I see good things, and she said, 'if you are drinking at all, you can't be in that boy's life or his father's. You can't be good around them then go back to your apartment and "slip". You may think you can play that game and if it's just you, fine, but not when a child is involved and one that already has an addict for a Mom.'

I am afraid bc I want this man and this child with me, but he really doesn't know the extent of my problem. He wouldn't ever care or notice if we never drank. Alcohol doesn't matter to him at all.

But since I have a hard time being sober and he's looking at me as a good person and a potential Mom, I'm terrified.

I'm not able to have children after a seriously traumatic ectopic due to endometriosis and I've been drinking and half loca over that loss for the last twelve years.

Now I can have a good man and a three year old that I can take care of and love? And my guy says he gets it that I drink but we won't be doing that once he starts divorce proceedings and we find a place together?

I'm very scared about my own capabilities, I'm very scared about hers as a drug addict. I have never met a heroin using person and I never want her to know me.

I don't think this is going to be easy and I'm twisted as to whether I should even embark on this journey. If I'm not sober, I could do more harm than good. It's not in my soul to make a three year old boy uncertain of his sources. I just want light, love and stability for him.

Your thoughts are welcome, SR. I need you people.

Best,
Melina

Dee74

Hi Melina

Honestly I think you're about 20 steps ahead of yourself here.

I'll be candid - if this guy leaves his wife, if he gets custody of the kid, and if you stay in recovery, then you have a situation to think about.

You've known this guy a month.

I don't want to upset you but right now you have a big messy bowl of ifs, and frankly I think you deserve better.

D

Melina

I've always believed I deserve a big messy bowl of 'ifs,' Dee.

Nonsensical

That is a noble goal.

Achieving it will take a noble plan.

Step one is YOU. How are you going to get and stay clean?

As an aside I would caution against accepting sobriety advice from your bf. He seems to have a penchant for the addicted. It could just be bad luck, but he could also be part of the problem.

Melina

And I've known him for five years, if that matters. We have been watching each other's characters.

He's quite decided on me, and I would be happy making a family with him.

He just doesn't understand I'm a lush. I don't want to hurt him in any way, but I really really would like to get that kid away from her needles and from her selling his new shoes so she can get a fix.

I feel like the lesser of two evils, yet still evil. I really don't want to hurt him or the baby.

Melina

Thank you, nonsensiscal.

I'm not lying when I say he honestly was blindsided.

He had no idea about what she was doing, I knew him enough as a friend to understand how twisted he became as her addiction progressed. He's not addicted to anything and it is so weird to him.

He pays for her to go to the clinic, which I imagine is some methadone stuff or whatever.

He's not an idiot but who of us knew heroin was going to be in our lives? He's just as confused as us, SR family.

His issue is JR. We have a baby on our hands.

And I will definitely be sober for every moment of that, there's a three year old involved. I could be his mother if I play my cards right.

Nonsensical

The only part of this you can control. How are you going to achieve that?

Chillly

You be sober for any of these possibilities to come to be positive and lasting.

Good Luck!!!

Chillly

One other thought that I had was on the wording of your headline.

I think you might think of trading the "but" to "and".

"I'm an alcoholic AND my bf's baby momma is on heroin"

seems like that one word change makes a big difference ....

Good luck

Soberwolf

Good luck Melina

Nuudawn

Now here's the thing...unhealthy, intimacy-crippled people find each other like moth's to a flame.

Does this fellow have ANY insight as to how he ended up with an addict? I think it's prudent he finds out...and you do.

I just a had a painful experience with what I thought was a "normie"...who had two marriages in his wake... one with an alcoholic and one with another with a pill addiction. He was also the child of an alcoholic.

And well...he was the "good guy" in both relationships and they were "crazy biotches"...

I was too blinded by hope to listen to the whispers and nigglings from my gut...

My sobriety HAS to be job 1...and you know what?

I can actually make sense of things with a clear head....eventually.

JanieJ

Hey Melinda, I agree with Dee, I think it is all too messy and up in the air for anything to be decided or worried about. It's good that you are thinking of the little boy, and rightly so, that just goes to show what a good person you are -but -a month is not a long time.

If this guy is looking at you as his "great hope", that's kind of putting too much on you, at this stage. I understand why, but he should maybe take some more time too.


As Dee said, nothing is concrete at this time.
Perhaps consider the possibility that she could get clean, too.
There are so many ways this could go.

Look after yourself.

Ruby2

Focus on you and your recovery first. If you want this man and his child in your life you have to focus on being sober.

I don't want to be harsh but what Chilly said is quite true. An addict is an addict not matter the substance. My husband is a crack addict and I'm an alcoholic. Is one worse than the other? I used to think so but realized that I was a totally crap mom when I was drunk all the time.

So don't focus on her, or her addiction and the pain and chaos it's causing. Focus on taking care of yourself and your recovery. I couldn't help anyone until I helped myself. I know it's hard. It can be done.

Nowsthetime

Hi: I think this could either fuel your sobriety or totally take you to the deep end. I agree that you are getting way ahead of yourself. You have been seeing this guy for a month and you are already talking about being a family and a mom. I know that you met years ago but knowing someone online isnt really knowing them. The other thing: they aren't even divorced yet. He can tell you that he wants to leave her, he can tell you whatever you want to hear but the facts are the facts.

Take it slow. Your gut is talking to you and I think you should listen and start putting your sobriety 1st. THAT will make things fall into place.

I hope everything works out well for all involved.

Fly N Buy

You're not ready.......
Get ready, do the work and then contemplate this, please.

Anna

Your sister is absolutely right. Think of the child above all, who deserves to have sober parents in his life. I understand the father's need to find someone to help care for his son, but you will do better by focusing on your recovery and getting healthy.

phoebe64

Hi Melina, I have changed my name, but you know me as Rochele from September of 2013.

As I read your post, and all your questions about this relationship and its potential, or lack thereof, all I kept thinking was, "what about getting sober first?" Dee said it well with you being 20 steps ahead.

Step #1 is sobriety.

Why not love yourself, and get healthy and sober and then re-evaluate this situation? He will need that much time to sort out everything anyway. And that gives you time to get healthy.

EndGameNYC

I could help but notice, Melina, that you didn't make a single comment on your sister's excellent assessment of your situation.

Fandy

If he is essentially a single parent and she is harmful to even be around her child, HOW does have TIME to DATE ANYONE? let alone shop for a replacement baby-mama. planning on finding an apartment with you. this is a roller coaster and no one put the child in a safety harness.

being a single parent of a 3 year old takes all your energy if you are not at work.

You have no idea what you are getting into. You need some clean sober time to THINK before you jump into the swimming pool and discover there is no water in it.

tomsteve

It's your choice. You can get into a codependent enabling relationship if you're like, then have absolutely no time to work on looking at yourself and prolly remain drunk.
Or you can focus on you.
His child's well being is his responsibility, not yours and it reads like he was just waiting for someone to come along willing to be codependent and enabling.

Wouldn't you be more interested if he was a single parent raising a child on his own rather than a married man looking for someone to raise his child for him?