Katchie

So yeah, I'm dang sure he just came home drunk. Came in with the biggest wad of chewing gum I've ever seen in his jaw, staggered a little, went to sit down while squinting his eyes. My son looked at me like, "what the heck". He asked my son a weird question that he didn't understand and repeated it...then babbled about an issue we already discussed two days ago as if it were fresh. I think this was an attempt to make comfortable the uncomfortable. He knows I know and has now clammed up. The motion to fold his hands behind his head while watching tv is slow. He gets up to go to the restroom and trips over the corner chair, but stays standing and goes on to the bathroom. Now he's partaking in the dinner I prepared alone in the kitchen.

My youngest son asked what was going on. I told him he has been drinking it appears. Then, youngest son said the last time we went out to eat he saw a bottle in the back of his car.

So, yep, as all of you have said, more will be revealed.

Deep breath...

Chillly

My brother comes home drunk and tries to pretend to be sober... I try to ignore it. but I know..
He knows I know and he resents me for knowing. Even when I say nothing... he hates me for existing while he's drunk

MissFixit

Sorry about that.

Do you still have the Katchie-only bank account?

SeriousKarma

Oh Katchie, I'm sorry. Everything you write, EVERYTHING, is seared in my memory. The gum chewing (for my STBXAH is was mouth wash), the attempts at "normal" speech". The slow deliberate movements. All of it.

As you say, more will be revealed.

Just know for now that my heart is truly with you and your family tonight. Prayers, thoughts, hope, strength, I'm sending it all in your direction.

Katchie

Yes mam...I have my own bank account. I'm in the process of getting my grandmothers home in my and my siblings name. Should know for sure by December. I'm taking a certification course that will be finished in late spring and trying to look ahead from there.

I confronted him about it and..deny, deny, deny..and..."you're effing God aren't you! Since you're effing God, I'll bow down, sure, whatever you say!" He better be glad I'm not.

It's lovely watching tv with a lunatic.

BoxinRotz

I hate the effing drinking games they play like we're so stupid. The only stupid one is sucking down a bottle.

Jenibean87

Only a drunk can think that it's not dead clear that they are bombed. My A used to do this CONSTANTLY, and then make me feel nuts for thinking that he was drinking despite what I saw with my own eyes. It's a form of gaslighting, and it is infuriating. Eventually, though, I just learned to laugh about it. Go find the thread "Quackers" and see what I mean. Pretty soon, with detachment, you can start to see the insanity for what it is, and feel grateful that you don't have to engage with his behavior anymore.

irisgardens

This has been my life for so many years...lost count but on year 40 of marriage.

Feeling so weak and hopeless...but am reading here and working to believe that I am worth it.

I feel paralyzed and anxious because have always worked so hard to hold family together...and to face that I am absolutely powerless over my AH is devastating...I need to pray.

LexieCat

It might initially feel "devastating," but in my own experience that very powerlessness lifted a HUGE weight off me.

Nothing *I* did made any difference! It wasn't that *I* had somehow failed, it was just what the disease of alcoholism does!

At the same time, *I* had the power to make my own life better. I didn't have to wait around for someone else to do that for me. Scary and freeing at the same time!

So yes, pray, and I'd suggest praying to have the willingness to pick up the tools and to use the wisdom of others who have been there, as you acquire your own wisdom, to make your own life what you'd like it to be.

irisgardens

Thank you.

HopefulinFLA

I'm so sorry Katchie. I know so well what relapse feels like.

Sending positive vibes your way!

Katchie

You have summed up what we all feel or have felt at one time or another. I'm praying for you.... as you can see by all these comments and so many more, you ARE NOT alone. Big hugs sister -- you will overcome

irisgardens

Katchie--I did open my own bank account in June and put a bit there...that alone took me down...but I have it now...one step at a time for all of us...right?

Katchie

What I really hate is having to tell my eldest son that it appears his dad has slipped. I apologized for it but told him I've kept it secret for so long I just wasn't going to go back to silence and covering. Keeping it inside has really taken a toll on my physical and mental well being over the years. As a matter-of-fact, I'm feeling tension in my shoulders I haven't felt in months. Time for a massage.

dandylion

Katchie....I can pretty well bet that your son already knows. the kids observe and know much more than we ever assume that they do.
Kids look to you to reflect reality.
I think you have no choice but to be honest with him, (age appropriately), of course.

Relapse is hard on the loved one as well as the alcoholic. We all know that this is not an easy road to walk....

dandylion

Stung

Sending you big hugs, Katchie.

Katchie

I called and let the oldest know because he hasn't been home since the summer. He is away attending college.

But, you are right. The boys still living at home knew without me saying a word. They are very sharp. The good thing is that it's openly talked about -- not with my husband, but between me and the boys.

I pray he gets back on the wagon, that God grabs him by the collar and gives him a good shake awake.

I pray for my boys and for myself to have courage, strength of spine & mind, forgiveness, and the ability to separate ourselves from his journey and remain on our own journey's wherever they may lead.

it's so funny. He hasn't mentioned once today anything regarding last night. It's been a Saturday as usual. No alcohol today and the difference between last night and today is stark. So, I relaxed in the day and enjoyed my family and the college basketball game we all attended together. I was friendly and conversed with him as I have the past few clean months which has helped release some of that tension. I've been known to hold a silent grudge to "punish" him. I think I was always the one who received the brunt of that punishment because of the way it made me feel. Im better after today.