soberbrah

I'm 19 days sober. All that I want in life is attainable but only through sobriety. This is always up against my deep desire to drink. It is a constant nonstop battle between letting myself indulge in that beloved nectar and doing what I need to do to realize my potential in life and be who I'm supposed to be. In my head all of life revolves around the drink in one way or another. Like every motive for every action of anyone I can link up somehow to booze. Booze is great. Like I go to the beach and see people drinking and I say hmm that looks swell what is the point of anything if I cannot partake in such awesomeness. This always tugs at me. I see guys in meetings who probably would have liked to plug the jug at my age if they could do it over, I then see these ppl having the time of their lives indulging in alcohol. What's the point of being successful at anything if you cannot indulge. Tug of war 24/7 in my head. Meetings get me juiced up to find the nearest bar stool and get to work. The alcoholic part of my brain loves a meeting. Feeds it because I get to listen to people who were "worse" not that I wouldn't be in the same spot without my safety nets. But it still hears this as a green light to proceed with the drink.

soberbrah

I recently picked up a job at a restaurant. I had to study and pass a menu test. The test was harder than I expected. I was jumping for joy inside because I told myself "awwww yeaaaa if I don't pass this I'm going to have me a nice little excuse to go on a bender YESSSSS"

Unfortunately for the alc side of me they weren't as strict as they had said they were going to be and they passed me.

Soberwolf

Well done on 19 days sober

newhope01

I think that its great you have the level of introspection that you do to be able to recognize your addictive voice and realize how you are romanticizing alcohol. It seems to keep you from picking up which is wonderful.

I struggle with the same issues of tending to remember mostly the positives of alcohol rather than the negatives, and as a result of this struggle, I have often relapsed. Try to remember why you quit in the first place and make a list of all the negative consequences you have received as a result.

This may seem silly but an effective test for you to further explore your relationship with alcohol is to list both the positive and negatives of alcohol. Than circle some of the positives that can become negatives with continued use (abuse) of alcohol.

Than once you have finished, look over the remaining positives and the rest of the negatives and take note that most of the positives you listed are temporary while most of the negatives are long lasting or permenant.

Always helps me to put things into perspective and I hope it helps you as well.

JanieJ

Well done on 19 days sober. Sorry to hear that it is a battle for you.

Fly N Buy

Nice job on 19 daze.......

Couple things come to mind when I read your post - first this:

Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.

The other cherry bit is this:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...lly-again.html


And yes......I was the guy who did get a lot of "things" in life and still drank for a long time.....I wonder though in the end how much my life will be cut short based on old behavior???

Glad you're here with and I appreciate the honesty......that VERY good, but keep an open mind. Many, I have found do not get second, third etc chances. Maybe consider yourself lucky to have dodged the bullet??!!

FlyN

Dee74

I think we all have to deal with that part of ourselves for a while.

It's difficult and it's not fun to say no, but it's not impossible either.

Gradually the longer I stayed sober, my priorities and my aspirations and my ideas of fun shifted.

Stick with it soberbrah

D

soberbrah

Last times on the sauce have been put me in spots where I literally become what looks like a bum. Unshaven unshowered, crawling my way into the liquor store for a fifth of medicine. I look at how people look at me and I think at how crazy it is, if these people had just seen me a few weeks ago they wouldn't believe I was the same person.

Even with that shame, enduring the withdrawals by just pacing around my apartment for two days after stopping. I still want to jump into a 30 rack head first just 19 days removed from this latest nightmare.

newhope01

This last post is very scary to me. It sounds like if you dont stay quit from alcohol you may not be able to white knuckle it next time and even make it another 19 days.

I think you are wise to go to AA and work the steps and even more wise to fight the cravings. As Flybnny said, some folks don't get a second or third chance.

There is so much more to life than just booze.

least

I hope you can stop drinking for good. Life is so much better sober.

soberbrah

Care to elaborate

I believe you I just don't see how it could be possible

Church basements aren't exhilarating for me

Work? Career success? What good is this stuff if I can't reward said success with a stiff drink amongst friends

biminiblue

You can reward yourself in other ways. Longer vacations, better ski equipment. A retirement fund. A house. A family. A job.

All things you will not get to enjoy if you go back to the way you were going.

I thought it was fun for a while too. Then there is this switch that gets flipped. It's an invisible switch. It's when fun becomes obsession and obsession becomes addiction -and addiction is the darkest place on earth.


Just ask anyone here.

soberbrah

My alcoholic brain says

What is point of vaca if no booze
Why ski if I can't end the night with a bottle of whiskey
Retirement is pointless if I can't drink beer while im golfing or whatever
What good is a house if I can't entertain ppl there and get hammered with them
What good is a family if I can't drink at my kids little league game

I know it's a little extreme but that's my thought process

biminiblue

That's right, your alcoholic brain.

You might not live long enough for most of that, so don't worry.

soberbrah

I didn't say I thought it was normal, all I'm saying is my mind can't wrap itself around any good without booze

Nonsensical

I used to think like this, too. I never knew I was a slave until I was free. My life no longer revolves around alcohol, and I love it.

The alcoholic part of my brain is fantastic at sending me images of good times with friends at the beach. It's my responsibility to remember the guy who didn't shower for 3 days, called in sick to work, and drove drunk to the liquor store.

The alcoholic living in my head can't be taught. It can't be bargained with. It can't be shamed, intimidated, or made to feel sympathy. Above all it can't be trusted. It must be starved.

Congrats on 19 days. It was hard for me at 19 days, but I kept going until I found the benefits all these folks keep talking about.

MelindaFlowers

What is the point of a vacation if you're hungover everyday? I tarnished a trip to the jungles of Asia with massive hangovers. I was riding an elephant and trying not to puke. It should have been one of the best days of my life.

Is skiing hungover fun? I've never tried that one.

You won't live to retirement if you continue drinking like this.

You'll maybe lose your job. and house will be foreclosed if you keep drinking like this.

Keep going with sobriety. The happiest, healthy, successful people rarely drink, if ever.

I used to think all the same things you posted. They're not true though.

nomis

As usual I come at this from the point of brain physiology. I mean I get totally get what you're saying. I was that guy who went to all the way to Disneyland and then promptly left at lunch time when I found out they didn't serve any alcohol.

To me nothing was fun, unless it involved drinking. Going to a restaurant to eat, only interesting if I could drink. Going for a hike in the mountains, only interesting if I could drink. Heck, making love, only interesting if I could drink. And so on.

Essentially your brain's chemical reward system has been hijacked by booze. The only way you can get the release of those good, groovy brain chemicals, specifically dopamine, is through a drink. That's the only thing that can "ring your bell" if you will. And that is addiction.

But that good news is, addiction isn't permanent, the brain can adapt, and the longer you stay sober, the more you will find other things to "ring your bell". It takes time and patience, but you have to believe me and others here when we say things do get easier, and in the not too distance future the idea of sitting on a beach without a beer will feel just as a good, much better even, than sitting there with one.

Hope some of this makes sense. Hang in there man, and congrats on 19 days, that's a testament to your will and spirit.

Dee74

I kinda think you might be missing the point Brah. We know.
All of us have been there, had those fears, and felt those feelings.

It's not surprising you can't imagine life without booze, or that you're fearing you may be better with booze.

You haven't got enough sober time yet to make any kind of decent comparison, and the only way you can do that is with time and patience.

Keep working on your recovery and the obsession will fade.
Keep trying to live your old life and it probably won't.

You're no different to us.

A life of drinking makes us expect immediate gratification of the bottle - sober life is not like that.

some things you have wait for

D

BernieE

I've developed a mental photo album I pull out when my alcoholic voice starts to sing, pictures of the times that led me to this journey of sobriety. The days after. The shame, self-loathing and depression. I don't linger there, don't want to pull myself back to that place, I just use it to stop the singing of the muse. Think it through to the end, it helps.