Where to put resentments
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 154
Where to put resentments
I know this topic is kind to beat to death, but I really feel so puzzled by how to handle the past.
Things currently with my A are going great. I feel super happy and healthy and attracted to this man again who for so long I was disgusted by. I'm doing really well and, surprisingly, so is he for the first time in a long time. And yet, all of the pain and resentment of the past is still *right here* at the surface, ready to be recalled by any memory or external trigger. And it immediately becomes this real physical reaction for me: my chest tightens, tears come to the surface, and I feel hot and panicked. And I don't know what to do with that emotion. It's not at all relevant to the life I'm living today, so I don't want to sit in that stew of crappy emotions and ruin the happy I'm experiencing these days by dredging it all back up, but I don't want to allow myself to think that the behaviors that I'm upset over are "ok", you know? I don't want to allow him to "get away with" what he did to me.
Because I spent half of my life sick with a really serious eating disorder that came from compartmentalizing and stuffing down anger and sadness, that sort of behavior isn't an option for me. Quite literally, I nearly died because I couldn't feel anger, so now that I am in a solid recover and feeling all of these things and acknowledging them I don't know what to do with it. I feel like I am still hurting myself with anger by continually abusing myself in reliving and recalling the times I was wronged. It feels destructive, like I'm actually hurting myself. But that feeling of being unable to let go of the victim role (?) or maybe that feeling that forgiveness would be saying to my A that "it wasn't a big deal" or "I'm over it" is keeping me stuck right where I am.
And sometimes I think to myself, well, what would it take on his part to be forgiven, and even then I can't come up with any clear-cut answer as to what I need from him. So, I figure that means I need something from myself. What is that?
Sorry for the long post, I'm just feeling like I'm beating my head against a wall. Should I just let time take this away from me, or are there active steps to getting beyond this?
Thanks for listening.
Things currently with my A are going great. I feel super happy and healthy and attracted to this man again who for so long I was disgusted by. I'm doing really well and, surprisingly, so is he for the first time in a long time. And yet, all of the pain and resentment of the past is still *right here* at the surface, ready to be recalled by any memory or external trigger. And it immediately becomes this real physical reaction for me: my chest tightens, tears come to the surface, and I feel hot and panicked. And I don't know what to do with that emotion. It's not at all relevant to the life I'm living today, so I don't want to sit in that stew of crappy emotions and ruin the happy I'm experiencing these days by dredging it all back up, but I don't want to allow myself to think that the behaviors that I'm upset over are "ok", you know? I don't want to allow him to "get away with" what he did to me.
Because I spent half of my life sick with a really serious eating disorder that came from compartmentalizing and stuffing down anger and sadness, that sort of behavior isn't an option for me. Quite literally, I nearly died because I couldn't feel anger, so now that I am in a solid recover and feeling all of these things and acknowledging them I don't know what to do with it. I feel like I am still hurting myself with anger by continually abusing myself in reliving and recalling the times I was wronged. It feels destructive, like I'm actually hurting myself. But that feeling of being unable to let go of the victim role (?) or maybe that feeling that forgiveness would be saying to my A that "it wasn't a big deal" or "I'm over it" is keeping me stuck right where I am.
And sometimes I think to myself, well, what would it take on his part to be forgiven, and even then I can't come up with any clear-cut answer as to what I need from him. So, I figure that means I need something from myself. What is that?
Sorry for the long post, I'm just feeling like I'm beating my head against a wall. Should I just let time take this away from me, or are there active steps to getting beyond this?
Thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 27
only two suggestions -
is there some part of you that blames yourself for putting up with the past behavior? some part of you that feels your self respect and integrity was compromised? if so, maybe it would help to try and realize that things are never so black/white, and that despite all of the compromises you made with yourself back then (many of which you maybe shouldn't have) you love this man, he's a good man, and that if you hadn't made those compromises you wouldn't be right here with him today. and this all leads to the most important piece - forgiving yourself.
AND
do you feel as if he has fully acknowledged, understood, articulated, and apologized for everything he's done? impossible to truly move forward without that.
is there some part of you that blames yourself for putting up with the past behavior? some part of you that feels your self respect and integrity was compromised? if so, maybe it would help to try and realize that things are never so black/white, and that despite all of the compromises you made with yourself back then (many of which you maybe shouldn't have) you love this man, he's a good man, and that if you hadn't made those compromises you wouldn't be right here with him today. and this all leads to the most important piece - forgiving yourself.
AND
do you feel as if he has fully acknowledged, understood, articulated, and apologized for everything he's done? impossible to truly move forward without that.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 154
I guess a lot of my anger is also at myself for allowing him to hurt me. It makes me furious that I tolerated infidelity, chased after him after he dumped me for her, let it go that he was physical with me during blackouts, and ignored the constant lies. All in the name of "saving the relationship.". I feel pathetic for being that person, and for letting someone hurt me like that. I think you're right that I need to do some work on forgiving myself for not respecting ME enough to stop allowing him to walk all over me. It's immensely embarrassing and pathetic, and I'm obviously much more comfortable blaming and playing the victim.
I really had never thought to turn it back around on myself, and look at who I'm really angry with.
I do think I'm angry at him, but I think maybe I'm blame shifting and putting all of my anger on his actions and ignoring the fact that I danced the dance too.
I really had never thought to turn it back around on myself, and look at who I'm really angry with.
I do think I'm angry at him, but I think maybe I'm blame shifting and putting all of my anger on his actions and ignoring the fact that I danced the dance too.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
I soo understand. I sooo understand!
I'll tell you what has brought me great solace (in addition to reading my head off here) is Pema Chodron's writing. She talks about the space between reacting and denying. Between shrinking/running away and getting angry/moving forward. There is this gentle middle space of learning to breathe with what it is we are feeling. Recognizing there is nothing to be done and this will pass. Finding a space that some psychologists call the witness that can see, "Wow! I am angry!" and not having to do anything (especially rash or foolish!). She says it is a tender space. We have to be so so gentle with ourselves. So understanding. And our job is just to hold ourselves there, tenderly. Feel everything and stay still. Don't hide, don't call anyone. Don't do anything. Just breathe and know you will be okay and remember it will pass.
Here's an excerpt from When Things Fall Apart:
The way to dissolve our resistance to life is to meet it face to face. When we feel resentment because the room is too hot, we could meet the heat and feel its fieriness and its heaviness. When we feel resentment because the room is too cold, we could meet the cold and feel its iciness and its bite. When we want to complain about the rain, we could feel its wetness instead. When we worry because the wind is shaking our windows, we could meet the wind and hear its sound. Cutting our expectations for a cure is a gift we can give ourselves. There is no cure for hot and cold. They will go on forever. After we have died, the ebb and flow will still continue. Like the tides of the sea, like day and night - this is the nature of things. Being able to appreciate, being able to look closely, being able to open our minds - this is the core of maitri [unconditional friendliness to oneself.]
Good luck.
fp
I'll tell you what has brought me great solace (in addition to reading my head off here) is Pema Chodron's writing. She talks about the space between reacting and denying. Between shrinking/running away and getting angry/moving forward. There is this gentle middle space of learning to breathe with what it is we are feeling. Recognizing there is nothing to be done and this will pass. Finding a space that some psychologists call the witness that can see, "Wow! I am angry!" and not having to do anything (especially rash or foolish!). She says it is a tender space. We have to be so so gentle with ourselves. So understanding. And our job is just to hold ourselves there, tenderly. Feel everything and stay still. Don't hide, don't call anyone. Don't do anything. Just breathe and know you will be okay and remember it will pass.
Here's an excerpt from When Things Fall Apart:
The way to dissolve our resistance to life is to meet it face to face. When we feel resentment because the room is too hot, we could meet the heat and feel its fieriness and its heaviness. When we feel resentment because the room is too cold, we could meet the cold and feel its iciness and its bite. When we want to complain about the rain, we could feel its wetness instead. When we worry because the wind is shaking our windows, we could meet the wind and hear its sound. Cutting our expectations for a cure is a gift we can give ourselves. There is no cure for hot and cold. They will go on forever. After we have died, the ebb and flow will still continue. Like the tides of the sea, like day and night - this is the nature of things. Being able to appreciate, being able to look closely, being able to open our minds - this is the core of maitri [unconditional friendliness to oneself.]
Good luck.
fp
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 765
Hi Jenibean
Where to put resentments?
Down on paper.
That's what the 4th step is for.
This stuff has to come out. There are years of resentments against hundreds if not thousands of people swimming around in your head and maybe you're ready to get them out and look at each one.
The mind can only see one resentment at a time so trying to figure out your entire life is impossible until it's looked at one by one.
Most OA's (like AAs or NAs or Alanons) are abstinent but not healed. The fourth step is a huge part of that healing.
Everything you describe sounds like I was. Choosing certain people then not letting them go etc. there is stuff that needs to he healed there.
I would grab an OA sponsor who does the steps straight out of AA's Big Book and ask her to guide you through the process of spiritual recovery. It's beautiful.
And be good to yourself today.
One more thing: a truly spiritual man or woman doesn't need apologies from anyone to heal. Everything we need comes from God and ourselves.
Let go of the expectations and do your own work. It's where the real Solution is.
Good for you for not wanting to be a victim. Taking responsibility for your life means doing the steps. You'll love what you find.
Where to put resentments?
Down on paper.
That's what the 4th step is for.
This stuff has to come out. There are years of resentments against hundreds if not thousands of people swimming around in your head and maybe you're ready to get them out and look at each one.
The mind can only see one resentment at a time so trying to figure out your entire life is impossible until it's looked at one by one.
Most OA's (like AAs or NAs or Alanons) are abstinent but not healed. The fourth step is a huge part of that healing.
Everything you describe sounds like I was. Choosing certain people then not letting them go etc. there is stuff that needs to he healed there.
I would grab an OA sponsor who does the steps straight out of AA's Big Book and ask her to guide you through the process of spiritual recovery. It's beautiful.
And be good to yourself today.
One more thing: a truly spiritual man or woman doesn't need apologies from anyone to heal. Everything we need comes from God and ourselves.
Let go of the expectations and do your own work. It's where the real Solution is.
Good for you for not wanting to be a victim. Taking responsibility for your life means doing the steps. You'll love what you find.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Jeni Bean,
I read through all of your threads you started quickly. There is so much rocky history with this partner. An affair. He broke your arm in an argument. A lot of active alcoholism marring the relationship. You sticking through things and sticking and sticking.
As early as July you were stating he was actively drinking, so these emotions that are coming up are still very current. They DO have a lot to do with the present. It may be your subconscious mind warning you that this is just another cycle with your A. Are you seeing some early warning signs of relapse you dont want to fully admit to?
You mentioned crying over the question from a counselor regarding the state of your relationship. Are you still seeing this person or another counselor?
Please consider working on YOU with a counselor and/or a sponsor. Do you have an OA sponsor? Are you involved in Al Anon? I worked on me with counseling and Step 4 with a sponsor. It was difficult work indeed but truly worthwhile.
Hugs. Feeling these emotions sounds like it is a GOOD thing as before you could not? Emotions are tough. But you sound like you are learning so much and moving in the right direction for YOU.
I read through all of your threads you started quickly. There is so much rocky history with this partner. An affair. He broke your arm in an argument. A lot of active alcoholism marring the relationship. You sticking through things and sticking and sticking.
As early as July you were stating he was actively drinking, so these emotions that are coming up are still very current. They DO have a lot to do with the present. It may be your subconscious mind warning you that this is just another cycle with your A. Are you seeing some early warning signs of relapse you dont want to fully admit to?
You mentioned crying over the question from a counselor regarding the state of your relationship. Are you still seeing this person or another counselor?
Please consider working on YOU with a counselor and/or a sponsor. Do you have an OA sponsor? Are you involved in Al Anon? I worked on me with counseling and Step 4 with a sponsor. It was difficult work indeed but truly worthwhile.
Hugs. Feeling these emotions sounds like it is a GOOD thing as before you could not? Emotions are tough. But you sound like you are learning so much and moving in the right direction for YOU.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
"And it immediately becomes this real physical reaction for me: my chest tightens, tears come to the surface, and I feel hot and panicked"
Ohhh Jenibean, I so know that feeling. It's horrible. It makes me want to kick things and scream like a mad woman... it feels out of control. So sorry for what you are going through. I'm right there with you.
"I guess a lot of my anger is also at myself for allowing him to hurt me. It makes me furious that I tolerated infidelity, chased after him after he dumped me for her, let it go that he was physical with me during blackouts, and ignored the constant lies. All in the name of "saving the relationship.". I feel pathetic for being that person, and for letting someone hurt me like that. I think you're right that I need to do some work on forgiving myself for not respecting ME enough to stop allowing him to walk all over me. It's immensely embarrassing and pathetic, and I'm obviously much more comfortable blaming and playing the victim. "
Again, right there with you. Wish I had some advice, but just know you are not alone. HUGS
Ohhh Jenibean, I so know that feeling. It's horrible. It makes me want to kick things and scream like a mad woman... it feels out of control. So sorry for what you are going through. I'm right there with you.
"I guess a lot of my anger is also at myself for allowing him to hurt me. It makes me furious that I tolerated infidelity, chased after him after he dumped me for her, let it go that he was physical with me during blackouts, and ignored the constant lies. All in the name of "saving the relationship.". I feel pathetic for being that person, and for letting someone hurt me like that. I think you're right that I need to do some work on forgiving myself for not respecting ME enough to stop allowing him to walk all over me. It's immensely embarrassing and pathetic, and I'm obviously much more comfortable blaming and playing the victim. "
Again, right there with you. Wish I had some advice, but just know you are not alone. HUGS
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Forgiveness is something we do for ourselves, when we are ready to let go of what we are angry/resentful about.
Since you've spent a lot of your life stuffing your anger, you might not really have had a chance to process it. I'm certainly not advocating that you work up a really good head of steam over things that have happened in the past, but processing them with the help of a counselor might help you to sort out those feelings. When we've been numbing ourselves, whether it's with alcohol, food, or anything else, it can be very painful and scary to start FEELING.
And I would also consider what CodeJob suggested, which is that maybe there are some worrisome signs that you might be perceiving on a subconscious level. If so, best to acknowledge those, too. A lot of recovery has to do with taking off the blinders, the rose-colored glasses, the beer goggles, or whatever else is standing in the way of what is real. It's scary to give up that protective equipment.
Be patient with yourself, and just keep moving forward, and work on keeping your eyes open. It will become clearer, and easier to deal with, in time.
Hugs,
Since you've spent a lot of your life stuffing your anger, you might not really have had a chance to process it. I'm certainly not advocating that you work up a really good head of steam over things that have happened in the past, but processing them with the help of a counselor might help you to sort out those feelings. When we've been numbing ourselves, whether it's with alcohol, food, or anything else, it can be very painful and scary to start FEELING.
And I would also consider what CodeJob suggested, which is that maybe there are some worrisome signs that you might be perceiving on a subconscious level. If so, best to acknowledge those, too. A lot of recovery has to do with taking off the blinders, the rose-colored glasses, the beer goggles, or whatever else is standing in the way of what is real. It's scary to give up that protective equipment.
Be patient with yourself, and just keep moving forward, and work on keeping your eyes open. It will become clearer, and easier to deal with, in time.
Hugs,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 154
Does OA work with sufferers of anorexia? I thought it was just for overeating, not the other end of the spectrum? I've side stepped those meetings for this reason, but would be interested in going if it was relevant to what I struggle with. I'm not seeing anyone currently, except for an occasional meeting with the director of his IOP program.
Thanks for the empathy, guys.
WMJ, you're right that I need to let go of expectations. I do think that because I'm waiting on some specific "cure", I'm avoiding allowing an HP to take control. I still feel like I am in to he drivers seat and able to control the outcome.
LexiCat, I'm trying to believe that forgiveness is for me, and me alone. It's a struggle to wrap my mind around the idea that forgiving would release me from the anxiety and pain of resentments more than it would help my A. It feels backwards. My minds says that finding forgiveness is for him and his benefit (and because I'm riddled with resentment, I can't fathom doing anything that would let him off the hook and give him peace).
Code job, no--I actually see no signs of a relapse, conscious or subconscious. He is doing really solid work and it shows daily in the man that he has been for the past few months. Honesty, integrity, patience, loving, and mindfulness are just some if the things that have really been showing through since he started this IOP program in August. Which, I think, is why it makes it so hard for me to start to deal with forgiveness (I.e. "Sure you're a good man now, but what about XYZ from the past?! That's not erased!")
I do think you make a good point about these things being fairly recent, spanning from 4 years ago to just this past summer. I like to think there is some real distance between then and now, but I guess a fair chunk is still raw.
Thanks for the empathy, guys.
WMJ, you're right that I need to let go of expectations. I do think that because I'm waiting on some specific "cure", I'm avoiding allowing an HP to take control. I still feel like I am in to he drivers seat and able to control the outcome.
LexiCat, I'm trying to believe that forgiveness is for me, and me alone. It's a struggle to wrap my mind around the idea that forgiving would release me from the anxiety and pain of resentments more than it would help my A. It feels backwards. My minds says that finding forgiveness is for him and his benefit (and because I'm riddled with resentment, I can't fathom doing anything that would let him off the hook and give him peace).
Code job, no--I actually see no signs of a relapse, conscious or subconscious. He is doing really solid work and it shows daily in the man that he has been for the past few months. Honesty, integrity, patience, loving, and mindfulness are just some if the things that have really been showing through since he started this IOP program in August. Which, I think, is why it makes it so hard for me to start to deal with forgiveness (I.e. "Sure you're a good man now, but what about XYZ from the past?! That's not erased!")
I do think you make a good point about these things being fairly recent, spanning from 4 years ago to just this past summer. I like to think there is some real distance between then and now, but I guess a fair chunk is still raw.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
One of the things they say about holding onto anger and resentments is that it's like holding a hot coal in your hand to burn someone else, or drinking poison yourself to even a score. Holding onto anger and resentments indefinitely (which doesn't mean we don't feel them and hold onto them for a while) does US the most harm.
Forgiving someone doesn't erase the past. It isn't saying what the other person was OK or even excusable. It's just saying that you aren't going to continue to let it affect YOU--you won't keep replaying it in your mind (re-sentment literally means "feeling again"), letting it torture you, thinking what you should have said/done. Yes, you can continue to punish someone else until they feel the same pain you did, but that wouldn't relieve you of your own suffering. All it does is multiply the quantum of suffering and wrong done.
You don't have to rush it, but it is very freeing when you are ready to go there.
Forgiving someone doesn't erase the past. It isn't saying what the other person was OK or even excusable. It's just saying that you aren't going to continue to let it affect YOU--you won't keep replaying it in your mind (re-sentment literally means "feeling again"), letting it torture you, thinking what you should have said/done. Yes, you can continue to punish someone else until they feel the same pain you did, but that wouldn't relieve you of your own suffering. All it does is multiply the quantum of suffering and wrong done.
You don't have to rush it, but it is very freeing when you are ready to go there.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Central Florida
Posts: 976
Hi Jenibean. I can really relate to your post. My RAH is almost 90 days sober and doing really really well. I find myself still carrying with me some anger and resentment.
I hate feeling this way, it's just so unhealthy for me. I've been going to some of the open AA speaker meetings with RAH and finding them to be really helpful with this. I'm gaining a better understanding of what it's like to be an A which is helping me to replace anger and resentment with compassion.
Maybe give it a try?
I hate feeling this way, it's just so unhealthy for me. I've been going to some of the open AA speaker meetings with RAH and finding them to be really helpful with this. I'm gaining a better understanding of what it's like to be an A which is helping me to replace anger and resentment with compassion.
Maybe give it a try?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
There was a woman I worked with before I retired. She and I were the leading candidates for promotion to lead the Unit I worked in. I had always liked and admired her, and even though I had more experience in my Unit, she had accomplished some great things and was also deserving of a promotion. She got the job and I did not. I was disappointed, but because we had always gotten along well, I thought she'd be great to work with.
Sadly, she was a nightmare to work with. She believed I was trying to undermine her (I honestly never did--I felt that her success was good for the Unit), she was a micromanager (once telling me that certain people in our unit "had to be managed like children"), she blew up at me for what I would consider to be minor things. To be fair, I was drinking back then and my performance/judgment was sometimes affected. I have to own that.
Anyway, eventually I was transferred to another unit in the office, doing what I did NOT want to do, but I was stuck there. Once I was out of the unit we got along a little better, but it was still very awkward.
When I retired, I believed she would be honest about my abilities and I listed her as a reference when I applied for my present job. She gave me a great reference, and said some glowing things about me.
She and I have a couple of friends in common, and since I have retired, we have crossed paths several times. I have gone out of my way to be pleasant, and she has done the same. We have even met for lunch a couple of times (she's now retired, too), and I helped her fix up her resume.
This past week I had theater tickets for a show that the friend I had invited was unable to attend. I emailed this former nemesis and asked if she'd like to go. She was very happy to be invited, we went out to dinner and the show.
I got an email from her this morning that she was in the ER waiting for an emergency appendectomy. I asked if she needed anything, and just ordered flowers to be sent.
We have pretty much healed our relationship, and it's very nice. I don't have the pain of that hurt I experienced any more. I still wouldn't want to work FOR her again (some people make better friends/colleagues than bosses), but I enjoy her company.
Obviously every experience isn't going to turn out like this, but it does show what CAN happen when you forgive.
Sadly, she was a nightmare to work with. She believed I was trying to undermine her (I honestly never did--I felt that her success was good for the Unit), she was a micromanager (once telling me that certain people in our unit "had to be managed like children"), she blew up at me for what I would consider to be minor things. To be fair, I was drinking back then and my performance/judgment was sometimes affected. I have to own that.
Anyway, eventually I was transferred to another unit in the office, doing what I did NOT want to do, but I was stuck there. Once I was out of the unit we got along a little better, but it was still very awkward.
When I retired, I believed she would be honest about my abilities and I listed her as a reference when I applied for my present job. She gave me a great reference, and said some glowing things about me.
She and I have a couple of friends in common, and since I have retired, we have crossed paths several times. I have gone out of my way to be pleasant, and she has done the same. We have even met for lunch a couple of times (she's now retired, too), and I helped her fix up her resume.
This past week I had theater tickets for a show that the friend I had invited was unable to attend. I emailed this former nemesis and asked if she'd like to go. She was very happy to be invited, we went out to dinner and the show.
I got an email from her this morning that she was in the ER waiting for an emergency appendectomy. I asked if she needed anything, and just ordered flowers to be sent.
We have pretty much healed our relationship, and it's very nice. I don't have the pain of that hurt I experienced any more. I still wouldn't want to work FOR her again (some people make better friends/colleagues than bosses), but I enjoy her company.
Obviously every experience isn't going to turn out like this, but it does show what CAN happen when you forgive.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Dear Jeni-
What kind of support do you have for you?
The reason I ask is that you and I have similar stories. I met, loved and married a problem drinker in the midst of my recovery from an eating disorder. Though Al-anon has helped me immensely I still need individual therapy because if I don't have that I tend to want to fall into the stuff emotions mode instead of feeling them.
I have to be honest I have not gotten to forgiveness yet, because I have a lot of emotions to feel first. This relationship, the drinking the affair the lack/willingness for him to step into recovery has cracked me opened and allowed me to FINALLY feel all those feelings that got me into my eating disorder in the first place.
I have felt anger for the first time, not just at my ex, but at stuff I had not felt, ever. I have not used OA (because there are no local meetings in the area for me). I have found Al-Anon helped with the eating part because I was willing to use the tools toward that part of recovery (and a lot of my eating disorder was based on co-depency but I had to have my therapist because there was a part of me with Al-anon that struggled to not want to do it "perfectly," especially around emotions.
What kind of support do you have for you?
The reason I ask is that you and I have similar stories. I met, loved and married a problem drinker in the midst of my recovery from an eating disorder. Though Al-anon has helped me immensely I still need individual therapy because if I don't have that I tend to want to fall into the stuff emotions mode instead of feeling them.
I have to be honest I have not gotten to forgiveness yet, because I have a lot of emotions to feel first. This relationship, the drinking the affair the lack/willingness for him to step into recovery has cracked me opened and allowed me to FINALLY feel all those feelings that got me into my eating disorder in the first place.
I have felt anger for the first time, not just at my ex, but at stuff I had not felt, ever. I have not used OA (because there are no local meetings in the area for me). I have found Al-Anon helped with the eating part because I was willing to use the tools toward that part of recovery (and a lot of my eating disorder was based on co-depency but I had to have my therapist because there was a part of me with Al-anon that struggled to not want to do it "perfectly," especially around emotions.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 154
Hopeful, I go to AA occasionally with him, and have been doing so for years. It initially stemmed out of my codependency (I.e. Making sure he goes and puts in the effort) and eventually came to be something that helped me in my recovery from anorexia. Now I go to speaker meetings every so often simply because I enjoy them. It does help me to learn about what recovery looks like on an individual basis and how people are able to find the will to work a program. Thanks for the reminder, maybe I'll catch one this week!
Thanks, LexiCat, for the example of forgiveness. I see the point you're trying to make--forgiveness is not just for THEM, and once resentments are gone, you can have a chance at a real relationship.
LifeRecovery, support is currently an issue for me. I moved 2,500 miles away from any friends and family that I have about a year or so ago, to be here with my A. (Yep, isolation has always been a tool for him when in active drinking.) so even something as simple as getting coffee with a friend isn't an option because I don't have any close friends here. I attended a weekly group for family members and addicts at his IOP program. I've been out of therapy for several years for my ED, which I am OK with as I feel super strong in that recovery. Several people have mentioned OA programs, but as I was dealing with anorexia, I'm not sure that it's super helpful for me to attend a meeting that might encourage weight loss or food avoidance.
Mostly, I focus on being active in activities that help me feel centered and healthy: yoga, ballet, voice lessons, running. It's not perfect, I admit. And I've been dragging my feet on finding a good al-anon meeting around here, for god knows what reason.
Thanks, LexiCat, for the example of forgiveness. I see the point you're trying to make--forgiveness is not just for THEM, and once resentments are gone, you can have a chance at a real relationship.
LifeRecovery, support is currently an issue for me. I moved 2,500 miles away from any friends and family that I have about a year or so ago, to be here with my A. (Yep, isolation has always been a tool for him when in active drinking.) so even something as simple as getting coffee with a friend isn't an option because I don't have any close friends here. I attended a weekly group for family members and addicts at his IOP program. I've been out of therapy for several years for my ED, which I am OK with as I feel super strong in that recovery. Several people have mentioned OA programs, but as I was dealing with anorexia, I'm not sure that it's super helpful for me to attend a meeting that might encourage weight loss or food avoidance.
Mostly, I focus on being active in activities that help me feel centered and healthy: yoga, ballet, voice lessons, running. It's not perfect, I admit. And I've been dragging my feet on finding a good al-anon meeting around here, for god knows what reason.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
