Raider

I'm home in the cabin. First night I poured a drink. Then said no no no. I don't even like to drink. So I didn't and I havent. But I don't know why.

I don't care about sobriety. I don't care about much. I care about Jesus and family. That is it. I am so empty inside. I don't know how I can ever refill. I just don't have a big enough heart right now to take on anymore than that. I'm so done. I don't know why I am not picking up? I don't know why I haven't thought about it at all? I don't understand any of this. This grief thing, sleeplessness, constant tears, blah blah bletch..

SoberLeigh

(((Raider))))

You know deep down, Raider, that that drink won't fill the emptiness or soothe the ache in your heart. That is why you haven't picked up.

Numbness is part of grief; you will begin to feel and care again - in time.

This is the time to take care of you, to allow yourself to heal.

We are here for you. Glad you made it home safely.

readerbaby71

Are you getting grief counseling or therapy? It helps. It's going to take time to heal. I haven't been here for a while and just wanted to say I am so very sorry for your loss.

Thinking of you and sending love and healing thoughts your way.

tomsteve

Raider, I'm truly sorry for what you're going through, but why on earth is there alcohol around you? Asking the lord to lead yu from temptation then walking into it?
In another thread I suggested looking into online grief support forums and readerbaby71 asked if you ate seeking counseling. So have yu done either? There's only so much we here on a recovery forum can do to help you deal with the grief ( which I'm glad yer not stuffing it. I tried thatlast year after my mom died. Stuffing it isn't a good thing to do). There's support out there Both f2f and online that I personally think would be of great help for you.
And don't forget about your church. I'm sure they have resources available,too.


Prayers out for you!!,

least

aussieblue

Raider its early days and it will hurt. Just know we are here for you.
Keeping you in my prayers.

Soberwolf

Your grief comes from love raider dont try to understand it

loss is hard but its brilliant you have your faith in jesus know that jesus is with everyone you love and is with you right now

your not picking up thats a small miracle my next suggestion is to use your love to pour that drink away its not going to help raider you know that

i also know your hurting and are in pain and when it hurts it really hurts

im so so sorry about you losing your sister but she doesnt want to see you hurting anymore than you wanted to see your sister hurting you know ?

big hugs raider lean on us

Raider

How much longer? How long?

Dee74

I think TomSteve made some really good suggestions. What about joining an online grief community, Raider.

I think the how long question is directly related to when you decide to engage with this ?

D

SoberLeigh

When I was in my grief group, it was said over and again that to fully work through the stages of grief it takes about two years.

My first reaction was "no way, I cannot and will not do this/feel this for two years". But I really had no other viable choice. What you are feeling now (that rawness, that searing pain, and that incredulously simultaneous and incongruous emptiness) does not last to the overwhelming degree to which you are currently experiencing it. It seemed, for me, to wax and wane until it finally and gradually began to permanently lessen. And part of those two years is finding a place for the energies in your life that was once your sister - sort of a new beginning, a new purpose (for some a new way of living life) - so the entirety of the two years is not spent in searing pain.

(And, surprisingly enough, although still in the process of resolving my grief, there were some very, very joyous moments and times).

I know it is overwhelming now and grief seems so cruel but it seems to be the mind's and soul's way of healing the entirety of the being.

We walk with you, Raider; we can't know or grasp the grief that is yours but we can and do care.

Anna

Raider, I'm sorry that you are feeling so low right now. In my experience, the time-frame for grieving is highly personal. And, I know for sure that it takes time. I hope you take some of the suggestions posted here. And, you might find that journaling would help too.

happyandfree

Grief counseling would help you move through this Raider. Why not give it a try. I'm glad you are not drinking cause you know it will make your suffering even worse.

Raider

That is exactly my feelings. Exactly.

Oh no. Two years. Ack. I'll never make it. I guess I have to. Oh no. Painful thought.

Soberwolf

Better than suffering Raider

big super hugs your way lady

Hawks

Hi Raider

I'm probably too emotionally bereft and stunted to offer any personal experience that would be of much help, but here goes anyway.

My Dad's death, for me.... I remember thinking "Oh well, he had a decent innings... No one lives forever and the last month's were pretty cruel.... So I guess he's up there now, floating about and watching over me and he's not in pain anymore"

Stuff like that helped.... I wasn't sure if I even believed it, but I just kept telling myself that till I did.

Later on, someone shared this poem with me and I read it and cried (a lot) but that clinched the deal.

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.
Mary Elizabeth Frye

Venecia

Raider, I am sorry this is the situation for you.

A few months ago, I picked up the phone. It was my brother, telling me our beloved father died unexpectedly during the middle of the night. Life changed, just like that. The numbness is still with me; the coming holidays are tinged with darkness for me. It is a lonely time, though I know that nothing would mean more to Dad than for me to keep working toward a good life. I suspect you could say the same thing about your sister.

Grief impacts different people different ways. I cannot say, however, that I ever experienced the degree of apathy you describe. It's disconcerting to read that you don't care about sobriety and that there is alcohol in your home.

Perhaps it is time for you to consult a mental health professional, to take action. Be good to yourself.

malcolmsloan

I really feel the pain and despair in your words, Raider. This will not last forever. The sun will come out again. Sending some light your way.
Malcolm

Ali2013

Love you, Pam. Sending prayers and hugs. Hang tough. And cry when you need to. Take care of yourself.

Twofish

Dear Pam,
I'm so sorry it hurts so deeply, I can't even imagine.
But I do know that I care about you!
Tight hugs!
TF

Nuudawn

Pam ...I am so sorry for the pain you are enduring in loss and grief. I ..by no means want to sound trite or minimize your suffering (because it is suffering..I know)..

We MUST face loss in life..it's part of the deal. Just tonight in journalling through some of my own recent losses..I couldn't help but wonder and actually with some optimism..

THIS TIME...I am not drinking... THIS TIME I am moving through my emotions and processing and thinking and learning how to deal with the emotional avalanche of new sobriety and feelings..

THIS TIME..I will grow. THIS TIME I will learn. THIS TIME I will mature. THIS TIME..I will honour and participate in the losses that EVERYONE must face as a growing human being.. as a woman.

Not a petulant child. That is not to say I will not falter and pout and resist and make mistakes and feel like a fool...

Choose to GROW this time Pam. I think grief counselling is a good idea. CARE for yourself this time.