FindingPeace1

Hey, all.

Update on my life. I broke up with my boyfriend. He was the first relationship post divorce-from-alcoholic. I still love the guy. I'd love for it to have worked out, BUT...it didn't. It didn't because a series of things happened.

1. I met him on depression/anxiety meds (Wellbutrin) and he decided to stop them (that changed him)
2. He got into nursing school and quit his job of 15 years to go to school (with the life/death feeling of 'success is my only option'.
3. He cashed out his retirement to pay for it (and felt LOTS of stress around that)
4. He moved out of his apartment into a trailer on his parents property
5. He became STRESSED, uber busy, internally focused, and emotionally distant.

The first few months before all of that were phenomenal. But the rest of the relationship (9 more months), he was so anxious and busy there wasn't space for relationship. The crazy thing is he said he still loved me and I should be more understanding.
He might have felt it, but didn't show it. He'd snap at me when I called because I was disturbing his studies. I'd drive 2 hours to see him (long distance relationship) and he would just study and expect me to entertain myself. He'd be resistant that I'd want a snuggle when he came to bed and he felt so defensive with my expectation for attention, that he'd come to bed and not touch me.
I blamed him for pushing me away. I was angry, expectant and disappointed. My stuff, for sure.
My anger is a good notice to me that I am not setting good boundaries and not getting my needs me. Of course, he argued that I was selfish for not understanding and supporting him when he needed it. That kept me hooked for a while.

I DO have addictive behaviors around love and attachment. I am codependent. I am still not picking partners that are stable and present. But, he appeared that way in the beginning and I walked out of this relationship in one year this time, when I stayed with my AH for 10. That's a big improvement.

Ultimately, I had to say, "I matter. My needs matter. I deserve a partner that will give me time. I deserve a partner that will be happy to hear from me. I deserve a partner that lets me in."

Soo, I broke it off.

I found A TON of learning from the book by Stan Tatkin Our Brain on Love. He talks about, among other things, attachment styles. I found I am anxious-preoccupied and he is avoidant-dismissive. This website has a lot of stuff that spoke to me:Type: Anxious-Preoccupied | Jeb Kinnison

Addictive behaviors stick around and continue to show up, that's for sure. I have more work to do, but I am hopeful as I continue to learn I can shorten recovery time when I am out of whack.
<3 FP

Thumper

Good to hear from you.

Sounds like you are doing well IMO. Recovery doesn't mean we always pick the right people - just that we know enough to evaluate and move on if they aren't.

I'm off to check out your link.....

LifeRecovery

Finding Peace-

You were pretty cautious getting into this relationship, and you got yourself out when you knew your needs were not being met.

If that is not recovery, I am not sure what is.

lillamy

Good for you.

So here's the thing with relationships: You don't get to redecorate your partner. You get them the way they are, or you keep looking. I'm glad you realized that, even if your XBF didn't.