I DON'T want to drink over this!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: New England
Posts: 1,926
I DON'T want to drink over this!
Hi again, I feel like I am hogging this forum the past few days. I'm sorry. Feel free to skip my post. You may be tired of hearing from me. 
I have been stewing over something all morning and even talked to my sponsor about it but I am still angry. There is a woman in AA got sober in 2007 (one year before I did in 2008 before my relapse last year). Anyway...she's always been a gossip in AA and it seems like she thrives on making sure everyone knows when someone relapses. It's like she gets something out of it...like it makes her feel better about herself. I watched her do this for a long time when I was active in AA several years ago and now I feel she is doing it to ME. It's dangerous for her to treat people this way!
By the way...she was one of the BIG reasons it took me so long to go back to AA...because I didn't want to give her something else to gossip about. (my relapse).
She's one of those people whose entire life revolves around AA. She has NO life outside of it. (not that that's bad if it works for people) She thinks she is better than everyone else (like shes the president of AA or something) and lacks humility. She has forgotten where she came from.
ANYWAY...SO...Monday night I went to a meeting and finally got the courage to tell everyone I relapsed. It was VERY hard. I felt very ashamed. After the meeting several women came up to me and hugged me and gave me their phone #'s. I actually called 2 of them the next day. While we were talking they told me that the "woman that thinks she's president of AA" is their sponsor. I kept my mouth shut and didn't say anything bad about her. WELL...at some point over the next 24 hours...."the president of AA woman" told her sponsees to stay away from me because I am not healthy because I relapsed after 5.5 years. Apparently they should only associate with WINNERS and I am NOT a winner...
Talk about a STAB! Really? I am a kind, loving, friendly, educated human being who has the same disease she does and fell down. I got back up though and am really trying! It really really hurts and I told my sponsor this morning that it makes me not want to go back to AA. My sponsor goes to meetings one town over and she said no one acts like that in her meetings and I should go to those.
I just can't help but be ANGRY. I want to call this woman and scream at her and say "why don't you get a F-ing life and stop gossiping about everyone! Why don't you remember where you came from?! Get some humility!" There are a few other things I would like to say too but I am not going to say ANYTHING! And I am NOT drinking over her! I just HATE that fact that she is talking about me behind my back when I never did anything to her! I have always been nice to her. All I did was relapse...which I regret...but I don't need her help beating myself up! I am doing a great job kicking my OWN ass!
Thanks for any help here. Again...sorry...this is my third post in 3 days. I just need lots of support right now. Im in the fight of my life!
I have been stewing over something all morning and even talked to my sponsor about it but I am still angry. There is a woman in AA got sober in 2007 (one year before I did in 2008 before my relapse last year). Anyway...she's always been a gossip in AA and it seems like she thrives on making sure everyone knows when someone relapses. It's like she gets something out of it...like it makes her feel better about herself. I watched her do this for a long time when I was active in AA several years ago and now I feel she is doing it to ME. It's dangerous for her to treat people this way!
By the way...she was one of the BIG reasons it took me so long to go back to AA...because I didn't want to give her something else to gossip about. (my relapse).
She's one of those people whose entire life revolves around AA. She has NO life outside of it. (not that that's bad if it works for people) She thinks she is better than everyone else (like shes the president of AA or something) and lacks humility. She has forgotten where she came from.ANYWAY...SO...Monday night I went to a meeting and finally got the courage to tell everyone I relapsed. It was VERY hard. I felt very ashamed. After the meeting several women came up to me and hugged me and gave me their phone #'s. I actually called 2 of them the next day. While we were talking they told me that the "woman that thinks she's president of AA" is their sponsor. I kept my mouth shut and didn't say anything bad about her. WELL...at some point over the next 24 hours...."the president of AA woman" told her sponsees to stay away from me because I am not healthy because I relapsed after 5.5 years. Apparently they should only associate with WINNERS and I am NOT a winner...
Talk about a STAB! Really? I am a kind, loving, friendly, educated human being who has the same disease she does and fell down. I got back up though and am really trying! It really really hurts and I told my sponsor this morning that it makes me not want to go back to AA. My sponsor goes to meetings one town over and she said no one acts like that in her meetings and I should go to those.
I just can't help but be ANGRY. I want to call this woman and scream at her and say "why don't you get a F-ing life and stop gossiping about everyone! Why don't you remember where you came from?! Get some humility!" There are a few other things I would like to say too but I am not going to say ANYTHING! And I am NOT drinking over her! I just HATE that fact that she is talking about me behind my back when I never did anything to her! I have always been nice to her. All I did was relapse...which I regret...but I don't need her help beating myself up! I am doing a great job kicking my OWN ass!
Thanks for any help here. Again...sorry...this is my third post in 3 days. I just need lots of support right now. Im in the fight of my life!
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
We can only control our own actions and thoughts. Worrying about what other people say or do is not only completely beyond your control, it is counterproductive to do so.
My advice would personally be to work on your steps, spend some time with your family and enjoy the fact that you are sober yet another day. If you have a personal issue with this person it would probably be best to simply go to a different meeting honestly.
My advice would personally be to work on your steps, spend some time with your family and enjoy the fact that you are sober yet another day. If you have a personal issue with this person it would probably be best to simply go to a different meeting honestly.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Dallas, Texas
Posts: 2,459
Glad you are not going to drink about this and you are not going to dignify her behavior with a direct response to her. I get your anger. I also have been subjected to character assassination and it stinks. BUT... don't give this woman anymore space in your head. You cannot change her, but only your reaction to her. Vent away on SR, but please try to let it go FOR YOU, not her. Go to another meeting somewhere else.
I will NOT drink to that!
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Baltimore MD USA
Posts: 634
OMG, she sounds like a peach!! *sarcasm* Is there anyone you can voice your concern to within that AA group? One thing I try to remind myself when people say or act unkind is: their actions or words say more about them than what they say about you. (repeat it as many times necessary)
That woman is a miserable soul & you don't have to go down with her. Go to AA with your head held high. Don't let that miserable soul get the best of you. If those 2 ladies stop speaking to you because their sponsor instructed them to, they aren't worth worrying over anyways.
(((Hugs))) We are here for you.
That woman is a miserable soul & you don't have to go down with her. Go to AA with your head held high. Don't let that miserable soul get the best of you. If those 2 ladies stop speaking to you because their sponsor instructed them to, they aren't worth worrying over anyways.
(((Hugs))) We are here for you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
It seems you have caught her gossip virus...at least for the moment.
There are always going to be people who are not for you. AA is about tolerance - principles before personalities. If this person is really under your skin (ya think?) I believe it is an opportunity for your growth.
Difficult people teach me more about myself and how to love and tolerate than "winners."
I have had problems like this in the past, I may again. It is always about my reaction to them. That is the only thing I can control. If my serenity is the most important thing to me, I have to learn how to work through these interactions with prayer, meditation, reading recovery material, and taking care of myself.
This was in the 24 hour thread today:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rt-24-a-5.html
There are always going to be people who are not for you. AA is about tolerance - principles before personalities. If this person is really under your skin (ya think?) I believe it is an opportunity for your growth.
Difficult people teach me more about myself and how to love and tolerate than "winners."
I have had problems like this in the past, I may again. It is always about my reaction to them. That is the only thing I can control. If my serenity is the most important thing to me, I have to learn how to work through these interactions with prayer, meditation, reading recovery material, and taking care of myself.
This was in the 24 hour thread today:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rt-24-a-5.html
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 1,476
There is no way to tip toe around this.
You feel she is judging you (the president of AA woman) and you're just judging right back at her.
I had to get back to AA after 4 years back on the turps.
I know how hard it is.
I too felt judgement from guys with 10, 20, 30 years continuous sobriety.
4 months later, I speak to them every or most mornings & they are helping me tremendously.
What I initially felt is no longer what I feel today.
(I was right about them talking about me .... but it was to try & figure out how to help me, although I initially thought they were all having a laugh at me behind my back)
I'm going to take a guess at something .... could be right, could be wrong.
If the "president of AA woman" is suggesting a few people leave you alone .... could it be she is hoping you might go talk to her & ask for help ??
Just a thought
You feel she is judging you (the president of AA woman) and you're just judging right back at her.
I had to get back to AA after 4 years back on the turps.
I know how hard it is.
I too felt judgement from guys with 10, 20, 30 years continuous sobriety.
4 months later, I speak to them every or most mornings & they are helping me tremendously.
What I initially felt is no longer what I feel today.
(I was right about them talking about me .... but it was to try & figure out how to help me, although I initially thought they were all having a laugh at me behind my back)
I'm going to take a guess at something .... could be right, could be wrong.
If the "president of AA woman" is suggesting a few people leave you alone .... could it be she is hoping you might go talk to her & ask for help ??
Just a thought
Life is an unlikely miracle.
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: England
Posts: 1,859
She's not worth it, hun. She has some issues there, but you need not get caught up in that.
It's not about you, she does this regularly, so try not to take it personally.
If it were me, I would take Scott and Art's advice and find another meeting.
It's not about you, she does this regularly, so try not to take it personally.
If it were me, I would take Scott and Art's advice and find another meeting.
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
Don't drink over it, no matter how awful you feel.
I had a similar situation in the local meetings with a gossipy, sick, nosey woman. It seemed she was just full of insults for me. I had to steer clear of her. It was hard, as she appeared in every single meeting place I tried. She was there.
It took me a little over a year to realize that those meetings were just not for me. I prefer SR.
I hope you can either come to some sort of peace about attending your AA meetings or look to another method perhaps. I was sick of waffling over it. I had to leave the F2F and keep reading the literature and doing the steps on my own.
If you find you get more out of those meetings than the things you have to put up with, then try and focus on ignoring this woman if you can. I know it's hard. It was really hard for me to sit peacefully in a meeting, and have to listen to that crazy woman's passive aggressive nonsense spewing out of her mouth. Lol. If she was the only gripe I had about F2F, I'd still be there.
I had a similar situation in the local meetings with a gossipy, sick, nosey woman. It seemed she was just full of insults for me. I had to steer clear of her. It was hard, as she appeared in every single meeting place I tried. She was there.
It took me a little over a year to realize that those meetings were just not for me. I prefer SR.
I hope you can either come to some sort of peace about attending your AA meetings or look to another method perhaps. I was sick of waffling over it. I had to leave the F2F and keep reading the literature and doing the steps on my own.
If you find you get more out of those meetings than the things you have to put up with, then try and focus on ignoring this woman if you can. I know it's hard. It was really hard for me to sit peacefully in a meeting, and have to listen to that crazy woman's passive aggressive nonsense spewing out of her mouth. Lol. If she was the only gripe I had about F2F, I'd still be there.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 985
OK, you might not want to hear this, but, here goes:
while this woman may be unpleasant and hold different values than you, and while she may be a gossip, which is not a good thing to be...
I actually think that she is within her rights to advise her sponsees not to spend time with you outside the meeting/build friendship with you. Now, before you get upset at that comment, please hear my why, which comes of more than a few personal experiences...
you are not in stable sobriety. someone who has relapsed over and over is not in stable sobriety. you have no idea whether or not the women you met are in a stable sobriety, but - hopefully - their sponsor knows.
Working with newcomers is something that all aa members can do in the context of a meeting, but if someone else is new or going through a fragile moment, they do need to surround themselves with people who will be strong for them, who will support THEIR sobriety.
A good example is what you mentioned at the beginning of this post. you are seeking a great deal of support on SR right now. Someone else who needs strength in their sobriety is not going to necessarily see inspiration in your struggles to remain sober, especially after a long experience of sobriety. You fell, and keep falling. I also had a long sobriety in the program and relapsed, and had difficulty returning. I am NOT a powerful inspiration to a newer member until I build a strong foundation of sobriety and can be trusted to stay there.
Newcomers pull out newcomers all the time. You've likely known people and have also seen posts on this board in which two people struggling to stay sober meet in an AA meeting and go out together. People can negatively influence each other as soundly as they can positively influence each other.
So, yes, without defending this person, who I don't know and who may be a very yucchy person, I agree with her position. I would advise a sponsee not to have much outside contact with a past member who had left the program and was struggling with their sobriety. It is a very different category than doing service work with someone who has never encountered the program before and is deciding to attempt it for the first time.
while this woman may be unpleasant and hold different values than you, and while she may be a gossip, which is not a good thing to be...
I actually think that she is within her rights to advise her sponsees not to spend time with you outside the meeting/build friendship with you. Now, before you get upset at that comment, please hear my why, which comes of more than a few personal experiences...
you are not in stable sobriety. someone who has relapsed over and over is not in stable sobriety. you have no idea whether or not the women you met are in a stable sobriety, but - hopefully - their sponsor knows.
Working with newcomers is something that all aa members can do in the context of a meeting, but if someone else is new or going through a fragile moment, they do need to surround themselves with people who will be strong for them, who will support THEIR sobriety.
A good example is what you mentioned at the beginning of this post. you are seeking a great deal of support on SR right now. Someone else who needs strength in their sobriety is not going to necessarily see inspiration in your struggles to remain sober, especially after a long experience of sobriety. You fell, and keep falling. I also had a long sobriety in the program and relapsed, and had difficulty returning. I am NOT a powerful inspiration to a newer member until I build a strong foundation of sobriety and can be trusted to stay there.
Newcomers pull out newcomers all the time. You've likely known people and have also seen posts on this board in which two people struggling to stay sober meet in an AA meeting and go out together. People can negatively influence each other as soundly as they can positively influence each other.
So, yes, without defending this person, who I don't know and who may be a very yucchy person, I agree with her position. I would advise a sponsee not to have much outside contact with a past member who had left the program and was struggling with their sobriety. It is a very different category than doing service work with someone who has never encountered the program before and is deciding to attempt it for the first time.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 5,554
Originally Posted by Serenidad 
Really? I am a kind, loving, friendly, educated human being who has the same disease she does and fell down. I got back up though and am really trying!
All I did was relapse...which I regret...but I don't need her help beating myself up!
It seems very unfair for her to try to encourage others to withhold help from you.
This saddens me to read.
I hope you don't let her have any power over you. She is not worth it.
just keep away from one drink for one day for oneself and repeat; we're all here to support you and AA is a tremendous help to many many people.
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