MarathonMan

It's amazing how two weeks ago having a drink felt like it would solve all my problems.....somehow I'm already miserable again, my brain had a big plan on how this time moderation would be different.....sadly it's just the same as it always was. Even more sad is the fact I've got no drive to stop again. My 45 days of sobriety this last time were such a battle I don't feel I have the heart or the resolve to do it again. I know I've got to, my wife is 7 1/2 months pregnant.....I know some things got to give but feel totally hopeless.

What to do, totally miserable drinking because I'm not sober, totally miserable sober because I'm not drinking.

It's got to a sad state of affairs when this is where I am....I had over two years sober at one point, I remember quitting as easy that time, the odd craving but resolve of steel.

Work finishes in 1 hour and I know I'm going to Off license.....I would say I don't want to but that probably would be a lie....at least miserable drunk I get to be drunk and not miserable counting the hours down till I go to bed.

I had hopes and dreams at one point, by biggest accomplishment today was managing to brush my teeth without being sick.

Poor me, poor me, pour me another..........yeah I know, I can see it when i read what I've written but had to voice up as I just feel totally lost, adrift and surrounded by life choices I hate.

EndGameNYC

The problem with sobriety and with getting sober is that I needed to do it for a while before life started changing for the better...before I started changing for the better. And this seems to be the case with many other people. It took me around ten months or so of my first year of sobriety to start to believe that there truly was a better way from me. Where would I have been had I started or continued to drink during any part of those ten months?

I needed so much more than just putting down the drink. That only left me miserable, and with no defense against drinking, and certainly without motivation to continue living without booze. I could not live drunk or sober, so I was forced to change, forced to do something with my life. The more I resisted, the more painful this process was for me.

Losing my life seemed an attractive option for me, but losing meaning or purpose for living was much worse than anything else I could possibly lose. Living a meaningful life is not in the exclusive domain of the wealthy, the educated or the celebrated. It cannot be found in a book, on a Web site or co-opted from another person. It's a self-generated reality that only seems to "happen" to me, rather than being the product of living a life that's rich in purpose. I discover it by living my life based on my experiences and on who I am as a human being. I spent years trying to live other people's lives, believing that this would set things right, that I would only find happiness by being like someone else. I ran away from myself, with alcohol serving as the delivery system.

Now is not the time to despair, MM. It's time to act in contradiction to your feelings, which is only among the most important things required to achieve growth and change. The alternative only guarantees continued suffering.

Magellan

Don't give up! You have run marathon's, use that resolve to go one more step. I just ran a 10k after not running for a few months and the last mile was real difficult, I can't even imagine what it takes for you to complete the last 6 miles/10k of a marathon, but if you can do that and dig deep for just a race, then dig deep and become sober for the birth of your child in 45 days!!!! You can live without alcohol. Only on day 3 myself but have accumulated about 40 good sober days in the last month and a half and they feel great. SR is a great place to be, stay awhile.

sprout50

Moderation never worked for me and led me right back to where it seems you are. It is hard work to forge a sober new life. You need purpose and you have that in that little baby that is going to arrive in a month and half.

I would also recommend seeing a Dr. Soounds like you could use some help with depression issues?

JT0626

Don't give up! Keep coming back. You are worth it!

ScottFromWI

For me, part of getting sober ( after accepting my fate as an alcholic ) was accepting the fact that sometimes life isn't all flowers and puppies. We all must make hard choices in our life, and choices we don't like. As a future parent I can tell you that you will soon be facing another world of hard choices that you don't have to make now.

I think you already know that drinking is actually making things worse, yet you are still holding out hope that somehow you can simply drink away your woes. It doesn't work that way, and it never will. It will actually get worse.

What exactly were you doing during your 45 days? Were you seeking help via meetings or perhaps counseling? Part of what you may need to do is admit that you can't do this alone and seek external help.

It's often said that we need to want sobriety ourselves, and I do believe that we do to make it work long term. In the short term though, other incentives can be helpful. Think about your role as an upcoming father...you have a responsibility to be a supportive husband and father to a newborn baby.

Tall Dawg

Getting sober does not guarantee a life of happiness and bliss. There may be some changes that need to be made in your life in order for you to be happy. I had to learn this lesson the hard way. I used alcohol to self medicate my problems for about 20 years. Once I took away the alcohol, the problems were still there for me to deal with. I could no longer ignore them by numbing myself with alcohol. I soon discovered that I had to make several changes in my life in order for me to be happy. For me the changes included things like: attending regular sessions with a therapist, finding new, non-alcohol related activities to occupy my time, and finding new friends who did not drink.

MyTime86

Like you said your miserable when your drunk, so it's time to change your life. It's going to be tough for awhile but just think about how great it will feel to feel good

MarathonMan

Scott - I was doing a couple of meetings per week but didn't really like them, a very depressing vibe to the ones I went to....wanted inspiration from AA but it wasn't how I would have expected.

I know that you need to want it to quit and that's the problem, I don't feel game for the fight, feels like it will be tough and I've not got the heart for it.

Not sure why I posted anyway, don't think I really thought it through, just felt good to moan for 5 minutes. No one knows about my drink problem apart from wife and family, family try and pretend it's not happening and wife just smiles no matter what I do and tells me it's ok so don't really have anyone to talk to.

Soberwolf

Good luck friend

keep speaking with doc/therapist ....i wish you all the luck in staying sober

we all make choices friend

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-session.html

Soberwolf

Your thinking is getting dominated by whatever it is thinking

start thinking sober you dont feel game for the fight ??? and the heart ???

it takes 1 choice i am not drinking end of

doggonecarl

Except it's not just poor you. You have a wife, a baby on the way. You don't want it to be "poor them" do you?

Find the strength to start that sober journey again.

biminiblue

You have us to talk to, and I'm glad you posted today.

I know the first couple months were really difficult for me. I just had to tough it out and get through it. I went to meetings too, and found them way too depressing.

So, I spend time here. I get a lot out of this community and I try to share what has worked for me. Maybe go to the Friends and Family side or the Adult Children of Alcoholics and read some of those threads. That is where you and your family are headed if you don't get a grip.

If I can do it, you can do it. I have no family and only a few acquaintances, so I am my own best cheerleader. I'm not even working. It is just so great to be sober. Maybe try talking to the wife. She may be more help than you can imagine.

ArtFriend

I remember reading somewhere that the plight of the addict is that is one of the many curious paradoxes of addiction and recovery that genuine and sincere motivation for recovery is a result of and not a prerequisite for recovery.

In other words, begin recovery first and ask questions afterwards. You cannot wait until you "feel" like quitting or "understand intellectually" you need to quit. Because that is not enough to sustain you beyond a certain point in the recovery. You must almost blindly do the work first and stay at it and then the true feelings of recovery will result.

It seems like the horse before the cart, but that is the way it is with addicts.

MarathonMan

Art - that makes sense.

ScottFromWI

It will absolutely be tough, probably one of the toughest things you will have to do. It pales in comparison to what your life will eventually be if you keep drinking though. You mention that your wife still turns a blind eye to it all....can you see how staggeringly selfish that sounds, not to mention the fact that you've got a child on the way in just a few weeks?

Addiction is selfish by nature, so don't take that as a personal comment - most of us have done very selfish things during our drinking careers. The fact remains though that getting sober is a choice you, or anyone can make. If you choose to keep drinking, many of the luxuries you still enjoy ( the support of your wife, a job, a place to live ) will eventually be gone.

I hope you can find the strength to pull yourself together, if not for you now for your family. If you take yourself down your family will come with you.

Wharf Rat

You mentioned a few things in your topic I can relate to. First of all-I found it very difficult to stay sober while my wife was pregnant, it even heightened my drinking I guess because of the anxiety knowing a baby was on the way. Is this your first?

I also had two years sober once and that time was much easier, now it seems I have more to lose than I did back then and the withdraws are much worse.

You said you could go and be miserable and drunk, which is better than miserable sober. I used to feel that exact way, but in my true heart I know my best times drunk are as undignified as my worst times sober.

Good luck, perhaps try staying sober just for today for your wife and unborn child.

anattaboy

To be totally honest MM, I'm still waiting for the parade at 5 months. I don't know what to say. On that side there is no chance-On this side we have to make our way with hard work and waiting but there is the chance to turn my life around. I'm gonna weather the storm and try some different things to get out of my rut. Lotsa good tips here.

MarathonMan

I dont take it personally, but you're right I am being selfish and I know it, it disgusts me knowing ill have a baby in 6 weeks and im still doing this to my family and myself. Im just struggling to get past the apathy that this relapse has brought on, maybe Artfriend has it right and I just have to do it.....when ive tried before though ive always at least wanted it......all I want now is to stop feeling like **** but when I quit last time I felt just as bad but for different reasons.

nmd

Hey MM - I spent the summer doing much of the same thing, getting a few weeks in sober, then relapsing thinking I could moderate. Drinking never made anything easier, it just sucked me deeper into my problems and knocked the wind out of me. Give yourself a chance, we're here for you.