Chillly

I felt good when I woke up without a hangover today! I didn't get to sleep till 5 a.m. but when I did I slept like a champ..
I ate first thing when I woke up..(that's new), and I felt very inspired.
Aaaaaand, now all I can think about is booze.
Not that I couldn't go a day or two without it before, but then I always knew that I was just gonna go back at it the next night.... not having that safety net is disturbing me.
I am sober enough to think about my life seriously right now and that is literally making me hate myself..
I Seriously hate myself right now..when I drink I think I'm awesome..
oh the self loathing.. it's killing me right now..

Thanks

Tonymblue

Im the same way. The self loathing and anxiety the morning after was horrible. It does go away with sober time. Hang in there. Youre doing great.

helpimalive

If you're here and trying, you already have a start

And I don't have like ... wisdom (this is day 9 for me, and my first day 9 to boot), but I'm in the same boat. I actually kind of feel like I'm not myself anymore. I have been removed from my own brain, and unceremoniously replaced with an eternal tug of war between wanting to drink and not wanting to drink. (I'm usually the creative type. Not right now. Right now, it's just thoughts of booze).

And yet now I look back on the last nine days and they're some of the best I've had in years and just ... What's with that? They've been such a struggle and yet in immediate hindsight it's *already* obvious these days are better.

They're clearer, more open to possibility, more real, more full of potential, because I *don't* have that safe hiding space. Does that make sense?

That's all I've got for now. I'm sure others have advice and stuff.

Hereandnow2

Gosh I remember those early days! That is the worst feeling! Heck I went through two pregnancies fine but I always knew I could go back to it! Now five and a half months, there are days I barley even think about alcohol. The first 30 days were the worst. A complete obsession every second of every day. Keep going and you will find that you don't have all the self hate. Aa helped me tremendously too.

Dee74

Hi Chilly

I think a lot of us have to deal with self loathing once we quit. Please don;t judge your future on the way you feel today tho. It gets better - seriously - and the way it gets better is by us not drinking again and learning to move forward and grow.

Stick with us

D

happyandfree

Hi Chilly - I can relate to what you wrote. The beginning is so hard. But stick with it and it will get easier and you can learn to love yourself again. Give it some time.

Zencat

Finding something to do can be enough of a distraction to stop that negative self talk.

Following some recovery plan to practice can give you new skills that make living sober easier. It did for me.

ThatHombre

I can relate. I drank on Monday after 5 sober days. I spent most of Tuesday hating myself. My pity parties are off the hook!

Chillly

thanks ya'll

JanieJ

Booze was never your friend, Chilly. It just seems that way. Hang in there.

least

As you get more sober time, you'll think about booze a lot less until one day you won't think of it at all.

Nonsensical

Last year I was where you are. Obsessed with thoughts of drinking and feeling disgusted at what I had become.

People on this website - people who actually understand the compulsion to drink - told me it would get better if I worked on what I could work on and gritted my teeth when I had to. Just. Don't. Drink.

They were right.

Welcome to the fight of your life. You can do this.

Chillly

Thanks all for your words and support

The problem right now is that I don't believe you.........I don't believe that anything will ever get better.

Thanks

Nonsensical

I didn't either. I stayed sober just to prove to them that nothing would get better.

Now I believe them.

tiredofme

Try it :-)

I am only at 2 weeks and it's still hard at times but I am also starting to feel an inner calm I not felt for years and a feeling of natural happiness now and again now the anxiety is going it can only get better x

Soberwolf

Hi Chilly pop the ballons of your thinking realise you walked out of a ER to go get wasted

Your constant thinking is a massive sign

Stay strong & sober its a choice

soberclover

I thought about what you said how drinking made you feel awesome. What I've learned is that NOTHING compares to the feeling you will have once you have some time under your belt and you will KNOW that you can take anything on because you are sober. I think people in recovery are the most honest, fun, creative, inspirational, and courageous people I know....and I am one of them