FixerUpper

So, I know violating the anonymous rule is not good but I am going to venture there because who I am and what i do has been the biggest barrier to my sobriety. I am the guy who puts people in jail for not finishing rehab and for testing positive and all that. I need meetings and the fellowship. But I am scared to death to go to meetings because I do not want people to feel like I am in some way spying on them. I could care less about other people knowing that I am an alcoholic. I am. And I live in a small town and I suspect everyone knows anyway. There is only one Vons here and God knows enough people see me buying that bottle 4 days a week. But I am scared to death about walking in that meeting around the corner from my own house. I guess my question is...Am I an idiot? Is this just all my addict ego talking?

Gottalife

Well, you are not an idiot. I can see this is a real problem for you and I can see how difficult it would be in your position.

I have met other folks in similar positions who seem to be able to reconcile the two things. For example, one is a d&a counsellor in the prison, another a prison officer. I have met police officers, one even came to a meeting in uniform in a town of 1200 population, then there are the psychiatrists and doctors not to mention quite a few lawyers.

The principle of anonymity in AA means that we are all on an equal footing, none better than the other, and our membership depends on nothing other than suffering from alcoholism.

My suggestion is to contact AA, maybe even through a third party, and try and talk to a recovered member directly to explore your options. If you are careful about who you talk to, your conversation should be kept in complete confidence. If you were in my area, I would be happy to work with you one to one without requiring that you attend meetings because thats what our program says I should do. It doesnt say my job is to find newcomers and take the to meetings, it tells me intensive work, one alcoholic with another, is vital to permanent recovery.

Your approach might start through your doctor or priest who I am sure would understand your predicament.

ScottFromWI

It's a common fear, but it's largely unfounded in my opinion. What other people think is not only beyond our control, it's also largely irrelevant to our own recovery. If you think meetings will help you, simply go. All you need to worry about is your desire to get sober.

FixerUpper

Well Saturday night I intend to go to a meeting at the risk of everything. I guess I have decided that if it means the job than so what. Better than alcoholic death and losing my family. Right?

Tempe

I think it takes a lot of courage to get the help you need.

bigsombrero

Very well said. As alcoholics, we love to dwell on the "what ifs". No need to over complicate things by dreaming up nightmare scenarios. Go if you think it will help. Sounds like you're leaning that way. Nobody will suspect you of spying - many AA regulars really have their sh!t together, and are considered steadfast members of the community. Do what you gotta do, and don't let your fears distract ya.