TacksGirl

I don't know how to approach asking my boyfriend if he is using (snorting Heroin) again. Some background on our situation: I am 30 and he is 32, I have never used drugs, occasionally pot in College but that's as far as it goes. My boyfriend came to me in April saying he had a Heroin problem for over 2 years and was going to start getting help. I had absolutely no clue this was going on. I felt like such an idiot! He did end up getting help, not rehab but it was a recovery program. He quit the program after about a month bc it was getting too "hard" due to all the emotions the therapy was bringing up. He has had a rough life and rough last few years (people passing away early on and more recently as well) so I was upset about him stopping, but understood why that program may have been difficult. There have been times since then that money withdrawals from our account became suspicious and when I approached him, he was very understanding on why I was concerned, we talked about it calmly and we moved on (I don't think he relapsed at that time) But now I am thinking he has relapsed. Last week I noticed something in his wallet (which is where he hid his stash last time) I asked him about it and he got very upset and defensive about me "touching his stuff". Which we always touch each others stuff, we've been together for 7 years! This past week he's been keeping his wallet on him (he even keeps it in his pocket when he's in pajamas). I heard him doing something in the bathroom, and it wasn't going to the bathroom. I found an empty pen hidden in the bathroom cupboard (for snorting) and he took two cash advances on his Credit Card within 4 days of each other and he was doing cash advances last time to hide it from me. I know that I could be being paranoid about the wallet, the pen could be old and the cash advances could be happening because he is low on money (he quit his job and has had two weeks before starting his new one, he starts Monday) but I just don't think so. At the same time I don't want to ask/accuse him if he's not using. I know it's crappy to be accused of something you're not doing. Especially with him. He gets upset very easily. I know he would never ever hurt me no matter how upset he gets, but it makes me very nervous about talking to him about it. I also am afraid that he's fallen into it again bc of boredom the past few weeks... should I wait to see if this activity continues after he starts his new job? The thing is, I don't want him to think I don't trust him...even though at this point it's getting hard to bc of all the "signs". I don't know what to do or how to do it. I am so unfamiliar with drug abuse, sometimes I feel like I am being overly critical bc I felt so stupid for not knowing last time. But I don't want to ignore the possibility either. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this and I would really appreciate any help.

Anna

I'm sorry you're in this situation, but I think you should take the focus off your boyfriend and put it on yourself. Have you considered AlAnon or NarAnon as a support for you? We have forums for Friends & Families on this board where you could also find support for yourself.

doggonecarl

Sorry for what brings you here. I second the suggestion that you visit our Friends and Family of Substance Abusers forum. Lots of people going through the same thing you are.

I'll give you the ex-addict perspective...You know he's using and you don't want to believe it.

If he's not using, he has nothing to be upset about. However, if he's using and lying about it, he has plenty to be upset and guilty about.

Ask him to submit one of those take-home drug tests. His response will tell you plenty.

Decide what you are willing to put up with and set boundries. Right now, you have none and he's taking advantage of that.

TonyB

I agree with doggonecarl. As a recovering addict myself, I also have to agree with his perspective about denial.
The best advice I can give you is to talk to your boyfriend. Not to be confrontational, but also not to enable his suspected behavior by doing nothing. If you feel "funny" about a situation, then it has enough merit to support you talking to him about it. If he becomes unreasonable or unapproachable, then it would probably be safe to surmise that he is using again.
I also think that the advice about NarAnon or AlAnon for you is a good place for you to start. It will also help you to gain a better understanding of what exactly he is going through, from a perspective other than his. It can give you an unbiased approach to helping him, but moreover helping yourself deal with this situation.
Welcome to SRF, you are in the right place and asking the right questions.

Lovenjoy

hi Tacks, welcome to SR and sorry about what brings you here. yeah, go with your gut - i'd bet dollars to donuts he's using. and you know what? he's the only one who can change that.

my son is the addict in my life but i so recognize my situation in both your's and his behaviors. it's taken me quite some time to let go of the illusion that anything i do or don't do will change the addict's behavior.

but i can change mine. the things i recognize in your behaviors are - the fear of the addict's responses, the suspicions, the heartache..... the missing money, the wallet protection, the long bathroom stays - those are his but the impact and worry is yours.

the friends and family forum along with alanon has helped me to heal from being in a front row seat to his disease. they're addicted but we get sick. you've come to the right place, SR is an amazing community of support and education. please stick around and let us help lighten your burden.

many here understand, you're not alone... and please be kind to yourself. self care was a foreign concept to me when the wonderful folks here kept telling me that it was the best way forward. i've learned to be my own best friend and it is transforming my outlook.

again, welcome.

least

Welcome to the family. I would also suggest finding support for yourself. You can't make him change his behavior but you can set boundaries for what you will tolerate.

I'm glad you joined us.

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum!!

Soberwolf

Hi Tacksgirl welcome to SR sounds like your sticking by your man your going to need help ?

here try this Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

and this NEW! 12-Step Support for Friends and Family - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

or NEW! Secular Connections for Friends and Family - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

TacksGirl

I am so thankful for all of your welcomes and responses, it has already lightened my heart having someone, or several someones, be there for me. I am also sorry for what brings each of you here, thank you for sharing. I will absolutely check out the Friends and Family Forum for support and guidance and the other sites provided. You're right, I think it will really help me. I have gone on NarAnon's website but I will get more involved, I have to. Lovenjoy, you nailed it... i do feel sick. Doggencarl and TonyB, I appreciate your perspectives and you're right I'm in denial...I just don't want to fully admit it.

Quote:

Decide what you are willing to put up with and set boundries. Right now, you have none and he's taking advantage of that

I don't even know where to begin with these boundaries, what is realistic and what isn't? I feel very out of my league. I am sure the forum and site will help with that. Thank you again for your support, it's already made me feel stronger.