KeepinItReal

It's what I should have done when he lapsed in the first place. I kicked him out. I bagged up 90 percent of his stuff and screamed at him to leave. I lost it.
I'm a single mom again, and my kids think I'm terrible for making him go because they don't understand. I of course am the mean one in all this.

I made excuses for him thinking he could pull himself out of this but he didn't and he continued to lie... Directly to my face. The problem is, I don't believe one word he says. So, picking and choosing.... What I want to hear. The truth. I'm supportive, caring, giving and compassionate and the addict extorts that. I'm really being made out to be the bad one... And am I? Should I not get angry when I'm lied to?

The behaviors towards me continued to get worse and worse as the addiction progressed. It is our 13th anniversary on the 25th. Didn't quite make it to lucky 13. He hates me. Yet, I don't hate him. I pity him for everything he's throwing away. The unconditional love I have showed him. My love wasn't good enough... And that's hard to swallow. A truth. A horrible truth. Even through this I know that it's better he sing with me. I am really trying yo sell that to myself. I want to believe he will be better off without me... Because I really care and love him. I just can't live this pain, lies, drama everyday. It's to much .... And I feel like a failure for it. I sometimes wish I could deal with it... Smile through it all... Believe in true love. My heart is broken... But it's been broken.

I know I'm not done with him. But I made a major step and that's what is doing what is best for me. Not living with an addict.

FrancesHa

Your love WAS good enough, it was more than good enough. He just doesn't deserve it if he's so willing to throw it away. You did everything that you could, but my question is why aren't you done with him?

Txhelp

So sorry for your pain.....hugs to you.

KeepinItReal

I am holding on to this idea of being a happy healthy family with him. Because, when things are good they are great. Then it gets ripped away by him...and his love for drugs. I deserve better. I know I do. I just don't want to let go of this idea. ::::tears::::

zoso77

Yikes.

Well, you found out what you were made of all right. That took a lot of courage. A tremendous amount of courage in fact.

I wouldn't personalize it. He's shut off from what anyone can possibly give him. And he's empty. It doesn't matter what you do or say for someone like that. You pour in your heart and soul, and it comes right out of their bottom just as fast as you pour it in.

Tonight, I would simply focus on getting some rest. Make sure you're doing everything you can to take care of you (bathing, eating, hydration, exercise, etc.) And I know you'll do your best with your children.

Keep us posted.

FrancesHa

I know exactly what you mean. It's such a hard situation to be in, people can tell you to move on and that life will be so much happier once you do, but the actual moving on is the hardest thing in the world

What exactly happened with him?

FeelingGreat

Give it time KIR. You've made the right decision and lots of partners never get that far. Unless he gets clean it's never going to change.

KeepinItReal

I'm still not convinced I did the right thing by HIM. But, he broke the bargain. He relapsed and then wanted to make deal after deal. He didn't want me to leave him or kick him out. He just wanted me to be nice to him.
How can someone be nice to someone who is actively doing something that destroys families. Why should I grin and bear the lies and BS? For what?
I'm angry that he even put me in this situation again because of his dumb as* choices.
I feel like a bad mother for not keeping the family together. But, in all actuality I am keeping a healthy family together. I can't allow my kids to see that his drug addict behavior is okay. For him to get worse - because it ALWAYS get worse and something terrible happen again. Is fear not enough to live with? I will live with it either way -with him living with me or him not. At least I don't have to deal with the behaviors in my face. It just angered me so much. Like, WHY WHY WHY!!!! UGH. And, this is coming from a former addict. But, I had my switch - aha moment. And my sobriety is the most important thing in my life. Why can't he get that? Why? Yeah, I realize there is no answer. But, this is my anger, my frustration my lack of ability to stay calm and deal with the drugs taking over. I want to fight. I want to kick drugs but! Argh.

jjj111

KIR, good for you for putting your foot down. I can understand why it's difficult that your children are disappointed. I think they probably don't have the maturity yet to understand why no-addicts-in-the-house is a reasonable boundary, which is why it's so GREAT that you are modeling that boundary for them! I'm so glad that he won't have another opportunity to sell your car or their ipad or hurt them and you in a variety of other ways. I grew up with two alcoholic parents, and in retrospect I really wish that at least one of them had said "enough!", even though as a kid I probably would have been upset by some of the adjustments that would have flowed from one of them deciding to put their foot down.

KeepinItReal

Yes, selling "his" car. Our car. The car that I paid for! Helping him - always helping. Always supportive..
Stealing from our children - knowing that my mom would replace it for Christmas. It's disgusting what addicts will do to the people that they love. Just terrible.
I think what is hurting me the most is just the fear that he will die and not be there for the kids at all. Like, not even on the weekends... but him living with me will not prevent overdose! But, in the back of my mind I think - well, if he wasn't so depressed for losing me then he might have not done that... or Od or whatever irrational thing I make up in my mind. Just excuses. I know in a RATIONAL brain - he should say - she kicked me out because i'm using drugs again, and because I have lost control of using drugs again - and she's not an idiot and that's why she kicked me out and if I really love her and love my kids I need to stop - and go back to the program and do what I have to do because I love my family. That's what a rational person would think. But, not a person on drugs.
Sad.

hopeful4

I am so sorry. What are the ages of your children? For my children, after I kicked their father out (and yes, it was ugly, just like it was for you), I sat them down and explained that while they are familiar with addiction, it comes to a point that it is not healthy for us to be exposed to addiction on a day in and day out basis, so dad has to live elsewhere. He stayed with his sister for a time which was good for my kids so they could visit in a neutral and safe environment. Counseling has been very good for them.

I am sorry you are dealing with this, but you did the right thing.

XXX

zoso77

KiR...it doesn't matter what you did or didn't do because his behavior is not a function of your choices. It's a function of his.

zoso77

KiR...it doesn't matter what you did or didn't do because his behavior is not a function of your choices.

It's a function of his choices.

We have no control over what the addict does or doesn't do.

KeepinItReal

My kids are 4 and 8. My 8 year old understands.... and is comforted that she can still see him on the weekends and everything be fine. Just that he won't be there during the week. She seems fine with it but we have good communication and she sees the arguing and me and his relationship change when he's not doing the right thing. She's old enough to realize the behaviors and like me - she makes excuses for him. But she understands why he had to go. She says to me - why can't he just go back to the program and get better.... and I told her I wish it was that easy. I wish Daddy would just go back to get better. We do treat his condition and behavior like an illness... but I think I have been a good example by showing her that not treating an illness is not tolerated. People are responsible for their health and well being and need to get healthy to be happy and okay.
My son - not sure. He's 4. But, my husband was gone his whole first year of life... and then an additional 6 months and 1 and another 6 months in jail when he was 3 and then he was gone 4 months in the program. So - we have been accustomed to being able to live without him for long periods of time. So - we shall see.

hopeful4

While your son may not understand, he will have more peace in the home without all the fighting and chaos. I waited until my children were 15 and 8, I wish I had done it years and years ago.

XXX

desypete

i donthave any words of wisdom for you other than i admired your post and the honesty you have shown
i can feel the love you have for your partner
the only hope i can give you is that aa can help people like your partner and turn them out to real decent good honest guys

the guy problerly you want your partner to be all the time rather than the guy who is a good guy bad buy type

i see many many familes come back together in aa when there partner does the right things and works on themselves
i have also seen the opersite side of things were familys spilit up and it ends up all nasty and angry and the kids hurt even more by both parents not just the one with the drink problem
as the other partner will have been affected by it all and carry a lot of hurt and pain mixed up with rage and anger
it gets real ugly when that happens
some dont even get over it all and carry that pain on for a long long time

i can only hope your partner gets the help he needs and that you get the man you really deserve
good luck to you

KeepinItReal

Right now we are actually okay besides that he doesn't live with me. He knows he broke the deal and is more like - well.... this time apart is good for us. Whatever he has to tell himself. He agrees that we can't have the relationship we both want until he gets sober. So - living outside of our home - and working on himself is the plan. I know that he will need to go back to his long -term rehab. I don't know anything for 100% but I know nothing changes, if nothing changes.
We are not having any dragged out custody battle because my intention is for him to keep seeing the kids. I never wanted to separate him from his kids. I tried with everything in me to "deal with it". I just can't seem to not be angry about that. So, living apart must be because I just can't handle being lied to without getting angry.
Also, living with his parents I know that the kids will be safe because they are responsible with the kids and not let anything bad happen to them. So - he won't be with them alone. So - things will work out no matter what.

Lovenjoy

sending warm hugs to you and the kids kir! you are an awesome power of example for them and for us. you truly are. keep taking care of you and those little ones, you're doing great things. be kind to yourself and give yourself a pat on the back for seeing that if nothing changes nothing changes. well, things are changing and you can now have some peace in your home.

this resonated with me. the fear is there but it no longer takes center stage in our lives... and that's a good thing.

Lovenjoy

i don't know how to multiple quote so another post...

my son is the addict in my life and home and there has not been a cut and dried way to just have him deal with his issues... elsewhere. his daughter is in my home part time and has had this haven in my home since birth. her mother also has serious issues so keeping visitation here has been paramount for the little one's well being. until it no longer is i guess.

i have related to so much in this thread of yours and am beyond grateful. the anger at my son's choices is really debilitating. i have learned much and boundaries have tightened and tightened and i am close to taking the step you have taken... your title says it all - I did what was best for me.

if i could keep my grand baby in my life, for her sake (really), and send him packing i would. but i can't. so sending him off to do whatever means i send her off too. if she was a bit older i might think she would adjust and find understanding. that's a few years off.

but she sees and understands an awful lot. she knows when daddy's not right and she knows i don't like it.

this is amazing insight and has put words to what i would like my granddaughter to understand about my angst with her daddy. i am careful when she's present but they know. and no matter what she adores her daddy. so i walk on eggshells often and bottle things up and do many things which are not good for me.

and this - "So, living apart must be because I just can't handle being lied to without getting angry." - is exactly the reason which will make me decide too.

i am so sorry you and your kids are dealing with these struggles. and at the same time i am so grateful for your honesty in sharing those struggles here. i can't really describe in words how much your ESH has helped me today.

and i wish you smiles and laughter and joy and peace and all good things!

Ecotime47

I'm so sorry. I'm praying for you today. Hang in there.