I'm so sorry...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: New England
Posts: 1,926
I'm so sorry...
Hi everyone. I just want to say that I'm very sorry. A week ago I opened a new account and was "LimaBean3000". I just wanted to be "someone else". I hate myself right now. I hate what I have become. I hate my life since my relapse and I'm terribly ashamed! I thought that dumping "Serenidad" and becoming "LimaBean3000" would fix everything....but it didn't. Wherever I went...I was still with ME. Every time I posted as LimaBeam I felt like I was lying. I felt sick to my stomach.
Anyway...I sent a message to Anna tonight and told her I wanted to "face the music" and not hide or run from who or what I am. (Or my past)
I'm ME. I'm a girl who was sober for 5 & 1/2 years and relapsed. I used AA for the first 3 years to stay sober and was happy. I stopped going to AA for the last 2.5 years of my sobriety and really wasn't happy. I ended up relapsing because I forgot "what I was". I forgot how horrible this disease is!
Fast forward to today and I'm am truly struggling to put a few days together. I am really starting to lose hope. I desperately need prayers if you have any to offer.
I never thought that my alcoholism would get so much worse after relapsing.
Again...I'm sorry for posting as LimaBean3000 for the past week. I was too ashamed to be Serenidad. But now I'm ready to face the music and be who I am. I got so angry at people on here that tried to give me "tough love". I was weak. I just want to get and be sober. I just want out of this hell.
I pray that you guys forgive me and help me. I don't want to die.
Thanks Anna and Dee for putting up with my BS these past few months. I'm so sorry. I'm really a nice person...just very very sick. Alcoholism wants to kill me. I'm not gonna let it!
I have an awesome sponsor and am going to AA now. AA is truly the only thing that has ever helped me besides SR. I just pray I can get some sobriety again and I pray for all of you too.
And FANDY...I'm sorry I was so defensive. I know you were only trying to help me. I just wasn't ready to hear it.
God Bless!
Anyway...I sent a message to Anna tonight and told her I wanted to "face the music" and not hide or run from who or what I am. (Or my past)
I'm ME. I'm a girl who was sober for 5 & 1/2 years and relapsed. I used AA for the first 3 years to stay sober and was happy. I stopped going to AA for the last 2.5 years of my sobriety and really wasn't happy. I ended up relapsing because I forgot "what I was". I forgot how horrible this disease is!
Fast forward to today and I'm am truly struggling to put a few days together. I am really starting to lose hope. I desperately need prayers if you have any to offer.
I never thought that my alcoholism would get so much worse after relapsing.
Again...I'm sorry for posting as LimaBean3000 for the past week. I was too ashamed to be Serenidad. But now I'm ready to face the music and be who I am. I got so angry at people on here that tried to give me "tough love". I was weak. I just want to get and be sober. I just want out of this hell.
I pray that you guys forgive me and help me. I don't want to die.
Thanks Anna and Dee for putting up with my BS these past few months. I'm so sorry. I'm really a nice person...just very very sick. Alcoholism wants to kill me. I'm not gonna let it!
I have an awesome sponsor and am going to AA now. AA is truly the only thing that has ever helped me besides SR. I just pray I can get some sobriety again and I pray for all of you too.
And FANDY...I'm sorry I was so defensive. I know you were only trying to help me. I just wasn't ready to hear it.
God Bless!
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Welcome back Serenidad, honesty is the cornerstone of sobriety for me personally, hope it can be for you too. Very glad to hear you are going back to AA too since it worked for you in the past.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: ohio
Posts: 3,615
What razor said. I'm so glad I came back here after I relapsed, it saved my life. I'm equally glad you are back!!!
(((((Serenidad))))) you might have to reset your sobriety date, but nobody can take away those 5.5 years. You worked a program, you worked on yourself. You are a better person and smarter than the woman who have it up the first time.
I bet you will surprise yourself at how fast your happiness comes back.
(((((Serenidad))))) you might have to reset your sobriety date, but nobody can take away those 5.5 years. You worked a program, you worked on yourself. You are a better person and smarter than the woman who have it up the first time.
I bet you will surprise yourself at how fast your happiness comes back.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 987
So glad to see you back, Serenidad, I was thinking about you the other day. I am also so glad that you are back in AA and have a sponsor.
I know, for myself at least, when I have to travel and am away from meetings, away from SR, and away from "my people" for too long, my head goes traveling in bad places. It took me almost two years of recovery to realize I need both, on a regular basis.
There is nothing to be ashamed of! You relapsed, it sucked, and now you are getting back to sobriety and taking all the right steps to get there. It's hard and sometimes it can be humiliating and defeating. But it is totally possible. You are proof of that.
You , Serenidad, know, having been sober for that long AND being in AA, that all that negativity directed towards yourself is going to slow you down, not help you up. It'll keep your head in bad places and give your inner alcoholic plenty of reasons to encourage you to drink. There is nothing that you did or have done or will do that will ever make you somehow ineligible for sobriety and all the good things that come along with it. Believe me, if someone was going to be ineligible based on her life choices prior to sobriety (and even after in some cases)? I'd be waaaay at the back of the line. And my life is pretty awesome today. Not perfect, but pretty damn good.
So no hiding, especially not here. I have always gotten a lot from your posts mostly because you are so damn honest, wise (including self-knowing), and KIND. Those are some of your best traits, in my humble opinion, so don't withhold them from yourself of all people.
You can totally do this and you have so very much to offer. To those in your group, to those here on SR, and countless others. You've helped me and continue to do so. I am praying for you and cheering you on. You have GOT THIS.
Big, big hug.
I know, for myself at least, when I have to travel and am away from meetings, away from SR, and away from "my people" for too long, my head goes traveling in bad places. It took me almost two years of recovery to realize I need both, on a regular basis.
There is nothing to be ashamed of! You relapsed, it sucked, and now you are getting back to sobriety and taking all the right steps to get there. It's hard and sometimes it can be humiliating and defeating. But it is totally possible. You are proof of that.
You , Serenidad, know, having been sober for that long AND being in AA, that all that negativity directed towards yourself is going to slow you down, not help you up. It'll keep your head in bad places and give your inner alcoholic plenty of reasons to encourage you to drink. There is nothing that you did or have done or will do that will ever make you somehow ineligible for sobriety and all the good things that come along with it. Believe me, if someone was going to be ineligible based on her life choices prior to sobriety (and even after in some cases)? I'd be waaaay at the back of the line. And my life is pretty awesome today. Not perfect, but pretty damn good.
So no hiding, especially not here. I have always gotten a lot from your posts mostly because you are so damn honest, wise (including self-knowing), and KIND. Those are some of your best traits, in my humble opinion, so don't withhold them from yourself of all people.
You can totally do this and you have so very much to offer. To those in your group, to those here on SR, and countless others. You've helped me and continue to do so. I am praying for you and cheering you on. You have GOT THIS.
Big, big hug.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New England
Posts: 4,420
Wecome back, Serenidad. Take what you learned in those 5 and a half years, those years that some of us look at with awe and wonder, and you go, girl! You have what it takes, now put those skills to work. So glad to see you here again.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 205
Don't be ashamed here. I mean, people might give you tough love but only bc they honestly care and don't want to see you eff up your life. I respect your honesty. And don't let a relapse deter you from your ultimate goal. You CAN achieve sobriety!
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