How long can my girlfriend remain a zombie?

Old 11-11-2014, 05:49 PM
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How long can my girlfriend remain a zombie?

My girlfriend has been a heroin/oxy addict for 6 years. We started dating 3 years ago, at which time I had no idea she was an addict. I found out about 18 months ago. After that she was on suboxone for a long time, but then had a major relapse. Her addiction was very severe -- about $750 to $1000 a week in heroin and oxy.

She had never been in any recovery program before in her life. Although a hard core addict for 6 years, she has been taking drugs of various sorts for 15 years. Before I knew her (according to her) she was also a pretty serious alcoholic.

Now for the first time in her life (at my insistence) she is in recovery. She went into detox (willingly) and then stayed for inpatient rehab. She then continued with intensive outpatient rehab. She has been clean for 43 days -- the longest amount of time (by far) in her life, since she has been taking drugs. Her attendance at IOP has been solid. Her attendance at NA meetings has been spotty, but at least she's going sometimes. She often says crazy things (she wishes she had shot up more heroin before going into recovery), but she seems to take the idea of recovery seriously, and she seems to be trying. For the first time ever she is accepting help from professionals and 12 step programs. I am as certain as anyone can be that she is not using drugs (at the moment). Yes I know how often you can be fooled, but for a variety of reasons this time I really believe she is clean (again, at the moment).

She is on Vivitrol, a 30 day shot of Naltrexone, which blocks the receptors so she cannot get high, and which also reduces (but does not eliminate) the cravings. Insurance is probably going to approve her remaining on the Vivitrol for at least 3 months.

So here's my issue. She has basically become a complete and total zombie. She has almost no emotions whatsoever. She sits in her apartment all day and does nothing (except when she goes to meetings). She has no friends (other than me) and is completely socially isolated. She will literally do nothing but watch TV or surf the internet or sleep all day. Spending time with her is almost like spending time with the walking dead. Of course there is no sex, intimacy, or emotional exchange of any kind. If I didn't call her or bother her, she would probably not communicate with me at all.

This has actually gotten worse over time. She was a little more lively when she got out of rehab. Now her personality is non-existent.

My questions are three-fold:

1. Has anyone experienced a similar zombification of their significant other during early recovery? What the hell is going on? Why is she like this?

2. Can Vivitrol be playing a role? It could entirely be my imagination, but it really did seem to get worse after the Vivitrol shot. Has anyone ever heard of Vivitrol having this kind of effect on someone, i.e., the deadening of all emotions?

3. How long is this likely to last? Weeks? Months? A year? When can I expect to see some signs of improvement?

I'd appreciate any help here. I realize it is probably her reaction to early recovery, but it is unbelievably frustrating to be dating someone who is dead to the world.
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Old 11-11-2014, 06:48 PM
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Is there any chance of getting her to see a counselor or a therapist?
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Old 11-11-2014, 06:59 PM
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When I got into recovery, though my DOC (drug of choice) was different, I was tired. I was used to a high-drama lifestyle (getting illegal drugs, using them, hiding from the cops, getting locked up and let out, etc.).

I had no idea what I used to like to do before drugs. My early days were spent in a mind battle against the cravings.

I did work, and that helped, but recovery was a whole lot more than just quitting the dope. I was lucky that I had found SR some time before and was still lurking before I eventually joined.

I don't honestly know if there is anything you can do to help her move past this stage. She has to want it for herself.

I would mention that you are talking about 43 days compared to 6 years of addiction. I was well into at least 3 months before I even addressed my lack of energy, isolation, etc. but that's just me.

I can tell you that this forum helped me, immensely, as I was also a codependent. I hope you keep reading and posting. The one thing about recovery is it is HER recovery. The recovery you can work on is for yourself. Hard to do, but very worth it.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 11-11-2014, 07:14 PM
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Good for her on 43 days of sobriety.
It's obvious you care for her, but none of this is really your stuff to handle. Her recovery belongs to her, for all that you "insisted" on it.
You mentioned she attends NA meetings, which is great. Are you involved in Naranon or Alanon or Codependents Anonymous or anything like that?
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Old 11-11-2014, 07:30 PM
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Welcome to the Board. Let's cut to the chase (and as they say in Al Anon and Nar Anon, take what you like and leave the rest).

I'd appreciate any help here. I realize it is probably her reaction to early recovery, but it is unbelievably frustrating to be dating someone who is dead to the world.
Who says you have to date her? It's not like you don't have a choice in any of this. You found out 18 months ago she was doing heroin, and for 18 months, you tolerated it. Even though she's done all sorts of drugs for 15 years and has a history of alcohol abuse, you've stayed with her.

I'm less interested in her tentative steps at recovery and more interested in what you're getting out of this relationship.

If she's truly, truly serious about recovery (and time will tell on that score), I can tell you straight up she won't have the emotional bandwidth to be a committed, responsible romantic partner for quite some time.

So, if you're determined to ride this out, this is what you're signing up for. And if that's good enough for you, you may want to ask yourself why you're settling for someone that can't give you what you probably need.
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Old 11-12-2014, 05:19 AM
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I appreciate everyone's comments. I am going to both Nar-Anon and Al-Anon meetings. I know I have no control over her recovery. I'm not asking about that. I'm asking how long she will be in a comatose state.

Originally Posted by zoso77 View Post
Welcome to the Board. Let's cut to the chase (and as they say in Al Anon and Nar Anon, take what you like and leave the rest).



Who says you have to date her? It's not like you don't have a choice in any of this. You found out 18 months ago she was doing heroin, and for 18 months, you tolerated it. Even though she's done all sorts of drugs for 15 years and has a history of alcohol abuse, you've stayed with her.

I'm less interested in her tentative steps at recovery and more interested in what you're getting out of this relationship.

If she's truly, truly serious about recovery (and time will tell on that score), I can tell you straight up she won't have the emotional bandwidth to be a committed, responsible romantic partner for quite some time.

So, if you're determined to ride this out, this is what you're signing up for. And if that's good enough for you, you may want to ask yourself why you're settling for someone that can't give you what you probably need.
I appreciate these comments. Just to be clear, I did not tolerate 18 months of heroin use. I tolerated 18 months of suboxone use (after I found out she was an addict, and she then switched from heroin to subs). But I agree I've chosen to stay with her despite everything I know.

You say it's going to be "quite some time" before she can be a romantic partner. That's exactly the question I am asking: What is "quite some time"? 3 months? A year? 10 years? (again, assuming she stays in recovery).
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Old 11-12-2014, 05:38 AM
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Hi JJandy,

Unfortunately, not even she knows how long it may take. Doctors don't know, psychologists don't know.. everyone is different.

Are you saying that you cannot imagine spending much more time like this? That's understandable, if so.

Have you mentioned this at your meetings?
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Old 11-12-2014, 06:26 AM
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You say it's going to be "quite some time" before she can be a romantic partner. That's exactly the question I am asking: What is "quite some time"? 3 months? A year? 10 years? (again, assuming she stays in recovery).
At least a year. Probably more. If she's really serious, recovery will be like another full time job. Her focus will be on herself, and that's the good kind of self centeredness.

Of course, this is assuming she stays clean...
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Old 11-12-2014, 06:36 AM
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I would ask what you are getting out of this? Do you enjoy playing the role of the caregiver? If so, are you willing to do this for five years? Ten? Twenty?

What kind of life is this for you? There is no way I could be in a relationship with her. It sounds draining and completely non-fulfilling.

I've gone through something similar. Never again. It made me feel superior to be the healthy one, and it gave me a sense of being needed for a while. After a while I had so many resentments I couldn't do it any more. No trust, no physical union. No adult conversation that didn't revolve around me putting out the latest fire he started. I am not a nurse, and I'll never be a therapist. I tried to be all those things, including his mother.

No. Never again.
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Old 11-12-2014, 06:41 AM
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It may very well be the side effects of Vivitrol. if you search vivitrol on youtube some people experience depression. Its wonderful you are supporting her but there really is no timeline as to when she will recover/not relapse.
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=VJlJWye7wNA
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Old 11-12-2014, 07:04 AM
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If you can find my posts here, you'll find that I just filed for divorce from my AH. I did this because despite loving him, first I know there is no solving or working on our marital problems as long as his addiction needs to be treated first. Even if he ultimately goes into treatment and gets clean, he has probably a year or longer to resolve on his own how to learn to live without his drugs plus whatever demons that lead him down that path. Realistically, I know I can't expect that my husband, even if he started tomorrow, can even begin to work with me on repairing our marriage for probably another few years at least. Can you wait that long? Put your life aside for that? Addicts have so much to overcome before they can focus on anyone but themselves. The added pressure of being in an relationship that is also having issue is probably not best at this time for both of you. You can still be supportive as a dear friend if you choose to but you may not want to be intimately involved right now for both of your well being.
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Old 11-12-2014, 10:29 AM
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Thanks to everyone for their sobering responses (no pun intended). I'm not giving up on her, not yet. I'm going to keep plugging away. I wish I did not love her, but the truth is that I do love her, more than any woman I have ever known. I realize I may wind up looking like a complete fool before this is over, but I have to try. A year? That is depressing. Just before this latest relapse we were looking at houses together and planning on having children. This is going to be very hard. . . . . .
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Old 11-12-2014, 10:35 AM
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but the truth is that I do love her
Well, of course you love her. But one of the ongoing themes you'll find throughout our pages is loving someone doesn't mean you should be with them.

Just make sure you're honest with yourself about what you're up against.

Good luck.
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Old 11-12-2014, 08:23 PM
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How will you know what "back to normal" means? You have never known this woman sober. She has been an addict since before you met her, on one substance or another for over a decade.
There was a great thread on the F&F of alcoholics thread- What does it mean when you say you love them?
What exactly do you love about this woman? You hardly know her. You latched onto an extremely damaged individual and decided she was your soul mate and that it was your mission in life to fix her addiction.
Not judging, I did something very similar. No need to answer on this thread. I have come to realize that my definition of love and my concept of a healthy adult relationship were skewed by my upbringing.
Just food for thought. Take care.
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