Nuudawn

I've been sober not quite 5 months and I am in the process of quitting smoking. I've been wearing the 21 mg nicotine patch off and on (smoking bouts between) for bout 4 years but I have FINALLY weaned down. I'm on my last week of 7 mgs.

I let someone into my life at 2 months sober. He was someone from my past..highschool past. I thought he was a nice stable guy. Well to some degree he probably is...

We had a lovely courtship of about 2 months and then we decided to finally get 'intimate'. Within days everything blew into smithereens. I ended up moving 2400 km's away.

I am a mess. I have been for about a month now. Yesterday I texted him. I haven't for a couple weeks. 10 hours later he responded with "I'm okay. Hope you're okay". I responded in some "ya I'm cool" sort of manner...everything neat and tidy and I'm okay you're okay baloney.

Today...I...disintegrated slowly...text by text. No responses...
I just slowly unravelled....again.
Until in my texting I realized I was in my addiction..and I even told him so.
I'm pathetic
And I need help
I'm so tired of this one...I'm so tired of a broken heart.
I'm so tired of kicking dead horses..hoping they will rise up and love me.

Florence

I don't have any expertise, but whew, that quote rings familiar.

Aellyce

Hi Nuu, I am sorry that you are feeling this badly about all this still. It would definitely be better to stay away from him and not refresh the communication, but I totally understand the craziness of not being able to. Been there. Have you considered seeking some professional help with this? As it has not seemed to go away or get significantly better for a while... I guess it's exactly one of those kinds of problems people like to address in therapy. Moving away is unlikely to solve some of the mental parts of it completely and it sounds like a bigger issue than just this one guy.

AnvilheadII

Until in my texting I realized I was in my addiction

that's pretty self aware, don't ya think? all our progress STARTS with awareness.....then we move to acceptance and into action. and i'll even throw in and Adjust our Attitude.

the downside is that awareness pretty much svcks, cuz we're IN and we're OUT, we are still doing our thing, but we are also objectively observing ourselves doing our thing.

so first thing.....stop. whatever it takes. drown the phone. pop the battery. leave it home and take a walk.

second thing, get to a meeting. get yourself in the atmosphere of recovery. that's your base camp.

third thing, ease up on yourself with the negative self talk.

wanting to be loved is a natural human condition.....same as wanting relief from emotional pain or to feel GOOD. as addicts we have to relearn the healthy ways to get those things.

Nuudawn

Thank you all. In my previous therapy..yes, love addiction/codependency was identified as the Grand Master of my addiction... My counsellor had suggested I attend recovery meetings focusing on that aspect...

But man..there is just so much ya know?

I have good days and bad days Haennie..mostly good...but I guess I relapsed. This is how I must look at it..
When I reach out...it's a relapse.

There is free counselling via the Alcohol Drug program here that I am gonna utilize asap.

I just looked in the mirror and wondered...

Is this it? Is this your bottom?

AnvilheadII

you're peeling the onion, babe. ditching the more obvious addictions (drugs, alcohol) are a VERY good start. imperative actually. so that is GOOD stuff. you're on the path. getting down to the core issues, or as your therapist put, the Grand Master of the whole gig, might not be easy....in fact, it won't be EASY....just necessary.

now is the time to ramp up your support.....add counseling in to the mix. free counseling is a real gift!!!

hopeful4

Awe Nu....I am so sorry you are in the dumps. I agree with Anvil, you are peeling the onion, and that is not fun at all, but necessary.

Tight Hugs my friend! Congrats on all of your progress because you are making huge strides!!!

XXX

Nuudawn

The weirdest thing just happened...
My sister brought me to lunch to meet someone from AA that she figured I might resonate with her in my new town...2400 kms away from my last. I have been here less than a week.

This new gal and I were chatting about our mutual relationship issues...and addiction and spiritual whisperings etc..when....she for some reason mentions her last name.

I almost shot coffee through my nose. The surname is an odd one...and yes, she was in fact a first cousin of my ex... I had just told her about the year of counselling I had through a transition house in BC as a result of a toxic addictive relationship I had over past 4 years (that really bumped right into my last one of 2 months...)

I said...well, that relationship I was just telling you about? Ya...it was with her cousin. I'm sorry...but WTF?????

Nuudawn

Yes...peeling the onion alright. Painful with lots of tears. Thanks guys.

Venecia

Stay close, Nuu. You're among friends.

Nuudawn

Last night my sister gave me a workbook entitled "The Women's Way thru the 12 Steps".

I looked at the exercises respecting Step 1 which I will start working with today. It can be used with any DOC. I looked at the part where I was to admitting I was powerless over ____________.

When I inserted the word "love" and that my life had become unmanageable, the tears started to flow...the pain so primal..so deep...ya well. I'm on to it..finally.

I will start the process of securing a counsellor today. Yesterday was horrible...it was my, bottom in this respect.

I will never let my obsession with someone I really do not know (this started as a child) be something I "escape" with...or abuse myself with..or shame myself with.

I will never again chase my "love losses"....bomb them with texts and emotional declarations and/or attacks again.

This really, really is a "thing"...

When my former therapist suggested I look at 12 step recovery in this process....I don't think I realized the weight of it.

I know this is not the appropriate forum ...well, maybe it is.
People addiction is codependency in a very real way....
Thanks for allowing this thread here

HealingWillCome

You're definitely in the right place. Welcome to the land of recovering dead horse kickers.

Sending prayers that you find a terrific counselor, someone who's the perfect fit for you and your needs.

Nuudawn

((((thank you)))) Happy and grateful to be here.

hopeful4

Of course you are in the right place!!!! We are always glad to have you here Nu!!!

XXX

SoberLeigh

(((Nuu))); you are going to get through this and get through this well. Let us know how it goes with the counselor.

biminiblue

I'm with you, Nuu. Abandonment is my biggest issue by far. All the walls in my heart are around this issue.

I hope you find clarity. I think it is the hardest one to sort out because it involves another person's isms.

anattaboy

Nuu, I and I'm sure many others follow your posts for the honesty, fearlessness and self awareness you exude. Your willingness to share your struggle with creating a sober you has helped me look at me more than once. Best wishes on getting through this "detox". You are going through where many dare not tread. You're a warrior - Xena would be your understudy.

Nuudawn

Oh good Lord yes...
It's like I use their "ism" as my very own battering stick.

Oh you're a love avoidant??? Let me set up camp right here beside the wall of your heart.

And if your available? How bout I run away or get drunk.

Hawks

Thinking of you Nuu.

(((((hugs)))))

Somedays all there is to say is "c'mon midnight"
and pray tomorrow is better.

SparkleKitty

Very brave, Nuudawn, sending strength and courage and welcome to this side of the board!