waitingforhope

Hello,
I don't know where to start except that I am heartbroken. Last week Wednesday, my husband who've I been separated from a year now, trying to reconcile, was admitted to the hospital with congestive heart failure. About 3 years ago he came to me asking for help with an addiction to painkillers. He was crushing and snorting them. I understood because he had been through a prior series of 3 major accidents and doctors had been feeding him painkillers like crazy. However, instead of entering a treatment program and letting me help him, he chose to go to the "hood" and buy methadone to treat himself. I couldn't stop him. He promised and promised me he was tapering his dose and doing fine on his own but several times I found bottles of unidentified pills with cut off straws in them. He would get very aggressively angry when I tried to talk to him and eventually I just got scared to bring it up to him anymore so I behaved as if the problem didn't exist and turned a blind eye and just tried to maintain normalcy. However, he seemed over the next year to just become an angry, angry person prone to blaming me, manipulative, verbally abusive, secretive, disappearing all the time. He lost his job saying he was laid off but I believe he was fired actually. As a truck driver, I believe during a random drug test, he probably came up positive for something and hid it from me. He was never able to provide me any proof of being laid off. He became depressed, we lost our home because he didn't look for work and as soon as I'd come home from work, he'd take our only vehicle and disappear again until I had to leave for work the next day. His verbal abuse escalated anytime I questioned him or tried to hold him accountable for finding work. I didn't understand why he was so moody and treating me as if his life wasn't my business and his choices didn't affect me. During this period, I didn't know at the time if he was still using. Finally after very violently verbally attacking me one evening when I got home from work when I tried to talk to him, I made him leave. We've been separated ever since, almost a year now. I loved him but I was becoming scared of him and he was being so secretive. He'd been telling me for so long his life was none of my business. We've stayed in touch this past year while separated. He didn't want a divorce and honestly, I love him and neither did I. But while he kept saying he didn't want a divorce, he did nothing to try and stay married. I thought we were only dealing with typical marital issues this past year but I started becoming suspious due to his behavior and some physical changes. He became more combative verbally despite he should have been more loving if he wanted to save our marriage. He stopped coming around to visit us very often. I noticed he lost lots of weight and he told me he wasn't eating much or sleeping well. But I also noticed his sunken eyes, his temper, strange sores and scars he was picking at on his face and arms and legs for months that he didn't have a reasonable explanation for, his teeth starting to rot. Despite claiming he was working at least 12 hours per day, he never had any money to help us at home or even pay his own bills while staying with his mom rent free. Last Wednesday he called me to let me know he was on the way to ER. Why I don't know because when he talked to me, he refused to answer my questions and became very angry that I asked why. I went to see him Thursday morning. He was in a very bad mood. He is in congestive heart failure. The doc came in and my husband made me leave the room even though I'm still supposed to be over seeing his medical care. The curtain was closed but they left the door open and I was standing outside it. I heard the doc ask him "do you take any illegal drugs?" My husband answered "Is my wife outside the room?" Yet no one looked to see if I was in ear shot before my husband answered "yes, I use drugs". At that point, the RN in the room looked around the curtain, saw me, and came and closed the door in my face. I went to the waiting room in shock. In my heart I had known I think this whole past year I was being lied to. But I'm still heartbroken. After the doc left, I went back to the room and stood next to the bed and in as loving and concerned a manner as I could, I let him know the part I had heard but that I had suspected all along and that I love him and would help him get treatment. I asked what drugs was he using because I believe it is beyond pills now. He became very angry, started denying it and yelling at me but then suddenly admitted at least that he had used cocaine Halloween weekend when I had thought this whole time that he had been working that weekend and that was why he couldn't come home that weekend to see us. That's all he would admit to but in hindsight, putting all the pieces together, I suspect that he is either a regular user of pills, cocaine, crack or meth or a combination of some or all of these. He got so angry with me, kept telling me to leave, then close the door to his room so I would stay so he could yell at me, then tell me to leave again and threatened to call security, then stay again. I left never finding out what it is he's really on or his full medical condition. I tried calling that night and his RN was very nasty to me and hung up on me. The next day I filed for divorce. I love him very much, I don't want to desert him and if he needs me I will be there in a heart beat but not as his wife, just someone that loves him. Someone suggested his outburst was because he is withdrawing. He won't talk to me. I haven't been back to visit because I'm scared. I want to be there for him but he's rejecting me. I want him to understand why we can't be married anymore but that doesn't mean I will turn my back on him, but he blames me for everything and denies his drug use. Yesterday I contacted the manager of his unit. My husband is refusing to allow them to keep me updated on his condition but the manager did let me know that his doc's know of his drug use and per my request, is going to attempt to involve a social worker to hopefully get him into an inpatient treatment program once his heart is stable. However I still have every intention to continue with the divorce. I love him so much, I'm willing to let him hate me. Tomorrow I'm going to bring him his favorite treats that he can have and a blanket my daughters and I made him last night and pictures to hang in his room of our dogs. He loves those dogs so much. I just intend to leave the bag with the RN to give him, not go in. But I'm lost and scared for him. He's shooting out his heart. I don't even know for sure the extent of his addiction or what for sure he's using. I have so many questions and I'm being shut out by him and the hospital due to privacy issues. I don't know what to do. I want to help but have initiated a divorce and I don't know if I did the right thing in doing so. I want him to know I love him, will support him if he seeks treatment for his addictions and will always be there for him if he needs me even though I will no longer be is wife. How do I let him know? Should I let him know? How can I help him? His family doesn't believe or know I think, that he even has any addictions. When I tried to involve them for an intervention last time, he minimized it and his mother believed him and I was made out to be the bad person. Now everyone has shut me out. I'm really scared about having to lose my marriage and that he is going to die soon and that he'll never stop blaming me even though I've done my best to love him and support him. Why does he do this to us? He's in serious condition and if he dies, his last words to me will be "f**k you.

zoso77

WFH,

Welcome to the Board. You have come to a very, very good place, and my hope is over the days and weeks to come, you take advantage of the resources we have to offer. The biggest resources are the experience and the support of our members, and we're here to help you during what I know is a difficult time.

Others will be by to greet you, but as is my wont when greeting newcomers, I have a few things I'd like to share.

You keep telling us you love him, and I don't doubt that you do. But based on what you described, you absolutely did the right thing by initiating a divorce. He has chosen drugs over you. Frankly, he's chosen drugs over everything, and he is now paying the price for that decision.

What's more troublesome is the verbal abuse he engages in without conscience or remorse. You do not deserve any of that; none of it is your fault. Your husband is where he is because of his poor decisions. And the hallmark of any addict is a refusal to accept any responsibility for those poor decisions. So they blame others, and those who enable him do the same on his behalf.

I think the following sticky note may be of interest:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...sed-woman.html

Right now, the best thing for you is to allow whatever is supposed to happen to happen. You can't help him. And I think it's time for you to take some of that love you have for him and give it to yourself.

Anyways, keep us posted as to how you are. And again, Welcome to the Board.

waitingforhope

Thank you for your encouragement. I'm going between shock and tears and rage right now. This is a rollercoaster. I don't blame myself. I just wish he didn't hate me for what I have to do and I'm scared he'll be vindictive clouded by his own irrational thoughts.

zoso77

Yeah, that's about right. When you married him, I know that this isn't what you signed up for.

There is a saying in AA that may be helpful to you. Paraphrasing, It's none of my business what you think of me.

Whatever he thinks or doesn't think isn't your problem. Your priority is to watch yourself.

waitingforhope

I spoke to my pastor too and am reading everything I can get my hands on. I wish I knew exactly what drug(s) he's on other than the cocaine he admitted using once. I suppose knowing won't help me really though. Now my job I suppose is to work on not giving in and not being an enabler like my pastor said. He said he needs to hit rock bottom and to let him fall. I know that's the only way he'll ever help himself. I hope he helps himself.

zoso77

WFH,

You're right; knowing won't really help you.

What concerns me the most is the verbal abuse. And to me, that's a function of his character. Don't be his victim.

daisy6234

You are on a roller coaster. Addictions is very selfish and self serving. Nothing matters except the drugs and themselves. There is a lot of wisdom and help here. Take care of your daughters. They are more important than your husband right now. Keep reaching out for help it is the thing that got me through with my son. You are not alone. And know there is help out there for you and your girls. I had to also realize to not be ashamed of what was going on in my family. Continue to pray it will sustain you

waitingforhope

What I don't understand is the blame? How can someone logically after causing so much pain to their family and consequences, place all the blame on someone else? I look back and now I know I wasn't wrong, he was on drugs all along. There were many losses.....jobs, then our home. How can he blame all that on me? I don't want to hide it anymore. My friend told me to go to Alanon meetings. I know they are for families of alcoholics but there is nothing I can find near me for substance abuse support. She said that there are families in the group she goes to that have family members with abusing drugs not alcohol. I don't want to go if I shouldn't be there though. I'm so isolated.

ladyscribbler

Hugs. It took me a long time to stop getting caught up in my ex's crazy logic (where everything was other people's fault and never because of his choices) and understand that he was choosing to live in denial so that he could continue to justify his drinking, despite all the clear evidence that it is slowly killing him and destroying his life. This is a very common tactic used by addicts in order to protect their disease and put well meaning family members on the defensive.
As for Alanon, you are most welcome. Many people in my groups are family members of active or recovering drug addicts. Naranon is specifically for friends and family of substance abusers, but there are fewer meetings and it is not as widely available as Alanon, so many people turn to Alanon, and they all "belong." Either group is a great place to start understanding how we as family members are impacted by another person's addiction and to learn how to find peace and happiness in our own lives, regardless of what the addict or alcoholic chooses to do.
So sorry you're going through this.

waitingforhope

Thank you so much everyone! What you described Ladyscribbler is exactly what my husband is doing. He so verbally violently defends himself and his actions with every excuse possible to twist it to be my problem, never apologizing or accepting any responsibility. I don't even know if I've come close to describing how painful it is. I'm going to seek an Ala-non group then. I was nervous about going but you are right, I'm out in the country on a farm and meetings of Nar-anon aren't anywhere near me that I can find. Thank you so much for your advice!

zoso77

Because the addict's frame of reference is completely and utterly detached from both reality and the truth.

They are functional sociopaths and narcissists who will never, ever take responsibility for what they do and/or don't do.

The only way to deal with such a person is to not deal with them at all. You detach, you protect yourself, and you simply allow them the right to be wrong.

waitingforhope

Again thank you! Your posts Zoso are so logical and help me stay focused on why I need to just let him fall. I admit I'm fighting the urge to call the hospital and check on him or try to talk to him but focusing on what you all have posted today has helped me not take that step. I've read the posts over and over today. I'm trying to do everything I can to distract me and when that's not helping, coming on here to get it off my chest. I decided that I'm not going to take that stuff to the hospital tomorrow either. No contact is better I think. I'll just be too tempted to go to his room to try to "talk some sense into him" if I go anywhere near that place. I guess it's a blessing the hospital is almost an hour's drive away from here.

Lara

He doesn't hate you. He hates himself. He is in love with drugs. And deep down on some level he knows what he is doing to you - to everyone. But he still chooses drugs over all of you. Start to look after yourself. Start as difficult as it is to remove yourself from 'the situation'. That you are absolutely in control and charge of YOUR life. And you have done a very brave thing already. You are brave. You are strong. What he does - as difficult as it is to 'witness' - is HIS choice. There is nothing, nothing, nothing you can do about it. Pray. And TRUST in YOUR life and YOUR choices. God bless. Keep posting.

waitingforhope

Over the last few years, I saw glimpses of deep shame for things he's done all the while being defensive. He must feel so terrible about himself. I have to admit though shame of my own, on some deep level, there is a small part of me that is relieved to have confirmation that I was correct that there was another factor destroying our marriage. I was fighting against what he was telling me, that the problems in our marriage were my fault despite the fact he was so illogical in his arguments. It was wearing me down so I was confused and couldn't defend myself anymore, I was so exhausted. Now I know that while I'm not perfect, all along I was fighting against something I'd never have a say in being able to control. As long as drugs are in the way, there isn't anything else I can do but move on.