Want to cut out

Old 11-11-2014, 06:13 AM
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Want to cut out

My mother in law drinks almost every evening. She works, takes care of her mom, and functions. It does not seem her world has fallen apart, yet. I understand alcoholism is progressive. I want to keep my daughter and I away from this double life. My husband, an only child, wants to maintain somewhat of a relationship. Their relationship is superficial at best. However, the holidays are here and they want to visit the week before thanksgiving. I'm ok with this but I can't be around her in the evenings.

After discussing with my husband he now wants to invite them to her birthday a few weeks later in another town where a wedding will be taking place for my niece. We need someone to watch our daughter (no kids at wedding) and he wants them (along with him supervising) to watch her. He says he is free to take our daughter to see them if he wants. If they were sober, yes. But his dad enables her and I believer her drinking is far worse than just evenings.

Bottom line is she is not in recovery. And denies any problem. I have made it clear that she is not welcome to stay with us or have my daughter alone at any point. Has anyone had to deal with alcoholic in laws? I am in al anon.
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Old 11-11-2014, 07:29 AM
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My aunt & uncle were alcoholics. They were fun, lovely people to be around -- except when they were drinking. I have tons of great memories going fishing, hiking, being out on their boat with them. I also have somewhat disturbing memories of them at other times when they were drunk. My mom pretty early on decided that us kids were not allowed to be around aunt & uncle when they were drinking. I found that to be a good compromise: We got to spend time with some lovely relatives when they were lovely, and we got to avoid them when they turned into Mr & Mrs Hyde.

I know different families have different ways of interacting, but in my family, I don't think either my husband or I would feel that it was OK to "force" the other person into a situation they felt uncomfortable with. Like having an alcoholic family member stay with us. We would probably come up with a solution like renting them a hotel room close by.

As for having an active alcoholic babysit? That would be a total no-no for me. Like I said on another post yesterday -- would you leave your child in daycare if you knew there was a good chance the daycare provider would be drunk by the time you pick your child up? Of course you wouldn't. As codependents, we accept behavior from family members that we would NEVER accept from a stranger.

Protecting your daughter must come first. I would stay home from the wedding if I couldn't come up with a better solution than having an alcoholic watch her. (I kind of think it's odd to have a wedding with no children allowed, too, but that's just me...)
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Old 11-11-2014, 07:38 AM
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Agreed on the no children allowed at the wedding, the dancing alone is the fun part. If we communicate, no drinking at all when visiting us than that's ok. My mil is a nice person even when drinking (annoying nice when drinking) it's after she's been drinking that's where mean things are said, I have no desire to let them babysit just to make them happy, not at the risk of my daughter. I think your agreement with your husband shows great respect to each other. If I'm not comfortable with it, than no and the same respect vice versa.
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Old 11-11-2014, 07:56 AM
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I have no desire to let them babysit just to make them happy,
Let me get on a soapbox here for a moment, because this is a big one for my. My ex-ILs treated children like belongings. If grandma wanted to hold the baby, grandma was going to hold the baby, even if the baby screamed bloody murder because he was at that particular point of his development in a phase of stranger anxiety.

We're supposed to prioritize the needs of the children. Not the needs of the grandparents. They're supposed to be adults and understand that children are little people with needs that are more important.
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Old 11-11-2014, 08:01 AM
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No kidding! Grandparents seem to think they have say over their kids still as they are parents. This only ticks kids off. I've watched it alot
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