Freshperspective14

I am being admitted to a 60 day treatment program on Wednesday, November 12th. I'm packing clothes, talking to my children and husband, trying to be as honest as possible, without highlighting information that they are so far protected from. I'm an alcoholic, have been since birth, but only succumbed to my pre-disposition for addiction in the last 6 years. I also suffer from PTSD, Depression, Survivor's Guilt, etc. etc. I don't blame anyone for where I am right now, though I can recognize the contributing factors. I did not choose to be here...nor did you. It is what it is...and here I am. I self-medicated my pain away with alcohol, even when the tiny voice in my head told me that I was not helping myself. I denied, even when my husband and 2 amazing sons showed me in the ways that they could that they were worried about me and scared about my behaviour when I had been supposedly "helping myself" to be better. My booze eventually stopped numbing my pain, and instead started nudging me towards the very pains, fears, torments, and secret thoughts that I had been hiding for so long. I thought I reached my rock bottom when I cut my wrist. Don't get me wrong, I DID NOT want to kill myself. I honestly just wanted to know if I could still feel pain. Based on my medical knowledge, I knew that you have to cut from wrist to forearm along a vein, not sided to side. Side to side is useless. But the fact is that whatever was going through my brain at the time, was not healthy thinking. My rock bottom came when I got accepted into a treatment program, and listened to my husband cry when he finally had to tell his family and mine what our life has been like for the last 2 years, where I was going, and why.

I am more fortunate than some. For that I am grateful beyond words. But had I had another few months left to my own devices, I would have lost everything. I don't doubt that for a moment. I am in a downward spiral, and there is only one place that my story will end without this treatment program...I will die. My children will mourn their mother, while being angry that I'm gone, NEVER believing that it will have had nothing to do with them, and my husband will be left to mourn me as well, while trying to hide his own grief, anger, resentment, powerlessness because he will protect our precious young men at all costs.

I love these men in my life. I owe them my best effort. I can't promise anything, but I AM worth saving. And so are you. Somebody loves you, and somebody NEEDS you to try.

So off I go to Club Med. It will cost my family $9000, which we have had to borrow. That was hard for me to swallow...I thought I wasn't worth it. But apparently I am. So I have to believe that. Period.

Wish me luck, please
__________________

Thepatman

I admire your courage. Give it your all and you will come out an new version of you.

You got this, we are with you. Keep us posted when you come back please.

doggonecarl

Thanks for posting this. I pray you find healing and that soon your family will be united with a healthy and happy and sober mom.

sprout50

Sounds like you are doing the best thing you can do for yourself. Don't focus on the cost. If you needed the money to be treated for any other life threatening illness, you wouldn't feel this way about it. You are worth it! Just focus on getting well.

Tall Dawg

It takes a lot of courage to do what you're doing! I am sure that your husband and sons are very proud of you!

GotGrace

So great, Freshperspective! You most definitely are worth it.

Go get it. I am excited for you.

LadyinBC

Your post really touched me.

You are sooo worth it. Always remember that. You are a special and unique individual, we all are. You deserve peace and contentment.

Wishing you so much luck and lots of good mojo coming your way for your journey.

Climber122

You seem very open, honest and ready to learn. Be ready for some highs and lows and trust in the process which has helped so many. This is a huge moment for you and your family. This will be so incredibly worth the hard work, because you are indeed worthy

ccam1973

Freshperspespective, thanks for sharing this with us. What you are doing takes a lot of courage and I applaud you. You are worth this effort and your family will benefit from the outcome.

Use all of your strength as a mother, wife and individual to get yourself better. I'm new to recovery, but understand that feeling of looking down the wrong end of a loaded gun. If not stopped, our addiction will ultimately kill us and everything we care about in life.

You are not alone in this battle. Best wishes.

Lusher

Hey Freshperspective14- I just wanted to wish you well in your treatment. This is a great thing that you are doing, for both yourself, as well as your family.
There's no question about it, you very much are!!!

I look forward to seeing you in here when you've completed the program.

~Stay strong~

Lusher

JanieJ

I wish you all the best, blessings to you and your family. You are a strong and courageous woman x

Sasha4

Of course you are worth it.

I have never met you, but from reading all your posts, which I did last night, I can tell you are an articulate, smart, switched on, loving, funny, caring lady whose family think the world of her.

You go to Rehab, do what you have to do, then come back and be even more wonderful than you are now.

Then go back to your family and get busy being a loving wife and mum. Don't forget to come here as often as you can because I for one cannot wait to start reading more posts from you.

Promise me you will?

I really wish you the best xx