How to set boundaries
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How to set boundaries
How do you go about setting proper boundaries that will lead to a successful relationship with an A?
In my previous post, I thought I was done with my A. He had crossed the line an with angry, hurtful outburst (worse than the others). I'm still keeping my distance, but he has gone back to being sweet and wonderful. He wants to work on this. I'm still in limbo, not sure what to do. If I do go back, how would I set boundaries in a successful way?
I know that giving in and allowing the same behavior is unacceptable, but I don't know how to accomplish this. I tend to weaken and he knows this and everything goes back the way he wants it to be. So, I'm trying to keep my distance because I don't want to weaken.
I really appreciate everyone's help in my previous posts.
In my previous post, I thought I was done with my A. He had crossed the line an with angry, hurtful outburst (worse than the others). I'm still keeping my distance, but he has gone back to being sweet and wonderful. He wants to work on this. I'm still in limbo, not sure what to do. If I do go back, how would I set boundaries in a successful way?
I know that giving in and allowing the same behavior is unacceptable, but I don't know how to accomplish this. I tend to weaken and he knows this and everything goes back the way he wants it to be. So, I'm trying to keep my distance because I don't want to weaken.
I really appreciate everyone's help in my previous posts.
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proper boundaries do not guarantee a successful relationship. the purpose of the boundary is to give US a proper solid framework within which to work. what WE will accept...and what we will not. what we will do if we find ourselves in unacceptable situations. our boundaries do not tell others how to act, they tell US how to act.
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How to Set Healthy Boundaries with Addicts and Alcoholics - Promises Addiction Treatment | Alcohol Drug Rehab Malibu : Promises Addiction Treatment | Alcohol Drug Rehab Malibu
Here's a link to an article that gives some clear pointers about understanding and applying boundaries, but Anvilhead is right. The purpose of setting boundaries isn't to "lead you to a successful relationship". They are guidelines and ways to help protect yourself. Emotionally, physically, financially, however you think you may need protection.
Here's a link to an article that gives some clear pointers about understanding and applying boundaries, but Anvilhead is right. The purpose of setting boundaries isn't to "lead you to a successful relationship". They are guidelines and ways to help protect yourself. Emotionally, physically, financially, however you think you may need protection.
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Yes, like a boundary I have in with my AH is he has no credit cards in his name? Why? Because he can get out of control (even with buying things for me). This boundary is set up to protect us both financially, and he is okay with it.
Another boundary we have is he cannot drink in the car when I am driving? Why? Because I can get into trouble and jeopardize my career. This boundary protects me, and he accepts it.
Another boundary. No physical violence or else we are done.
Another boundary we have is he cannot drink in the car when I am driving? Why? Because I can get into trouble and jeopardize my career. This boundary protects me, and he accepts it.
Another boundary. No physical violence or else we are done.
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And the boundary means nothing if it is violated and you do nothing. The boundary is for YOU, not him. If he does this, then I will do that. You don't even have to state them (again, because they are not FOR him, they are for YOU).
Example: "If we are out together I will have my own keys and if he gets drunk I am taking the car and going home (or bringing cab fare so I can get a ride home)." The boundary is to keep you from having to endure being out in public with a drunk. You don't waste your breath and emotional energy debating, cajoling, scolding, you simply remove yourself from the situation.
Example: "If we are out together I will have my own keys and if he gets drunk I am taking the car and going home (or bringing cab fare so I can get a ride home)." The boundary is to keep you from having to endure being out in public with a drunk. You don't waste your breath and emotional energy debating, cajoling, scolding, you simply remove yourself from the situation.
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The sweetness and being wonderful and wanting to work on things is part of the cycle of abuse. It is called "hoovering" because he is trying to suck you back into his sphere of control.
Boundaries only work if you enforce them, and the only boundary that is going to protect you from this man is "I will not be in a relationship with an abusive alcoholic." He is still drinking, and this is an act, one which you've seen before.
There was a post awhile back where someone talked about playing the tape through to the end. What happens when you get back together with him? A few days in the honeymoon phase where everything seems perfect and you wonder why you ever left, then the tensions begin to creep up, you walk on eggshells and worry about his mood, then the explosion of rage.
You can choose to stay off this merry go round. If you do say no to him, resist his sweetness, which is not love, but manipulation, then you will see the monster resurface. That's how this works. He hasn't changed anything except his tone of voice.
Boundaries only work if you enforce them, and the only boundary that is going to protect you from this man is "I will not be in a relationship with an abusive alcoholic." He is still drinking, and this is an act, one which you've seen before.
There was a post awhile back where someone talked about playing the tape through to the end. What happens when you get back together with him? A few days in the honeymoon phase where everything seems perfect and you wonder why you ever left, then the tensions begin to creep up, you walk on eggshells and worry about his mood, then the explosion of rage.
You can choose to stay off this merry go round. If you do say no to him, resist his sweetness, which is not love, but manipulation, then you will see the monster resurface. That's how this works. He hasn't changed anything except his tone of voice.
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I tend to weaken and he knows this and everything goes back the way he wants it to be. So, I'm trying to keep my distance because I don't want to weaken.
If he's hit given up his addiction, is not working someone kind of a program and you have not gotten into some kind of a program, the results will be what they have always been snd nothing has changed except his words.
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Boundaries are not the same as Rules. Rules don't work with adult relationships -- you can't control other people, period.
A Rule says: "Other people are not allowed to yell at me." The success of this rule depends on the other person knowing my rules and agreeing to them; essentially, it relies on them bending to my will. I have no means of enforcing this rule if it is broken. I have no power here.
A Boundary says, "I will not be in the company of people who are yelling at me." I have all the power here. Other people do not have to even know my boundary for me to enforce it. If someone starts yelling at me, I leave. The onus is on me to be prepared to leave if my boundary is broken.
I think when I first started to hear about boundaries I thought "oh great, boundaries will help other people see how their behavior affects me negatively and that will make them change." It does not work that way. Boundaries are only about you and what you are prepared to do in order to protect yourself -- physically and emotionally. They are not about altering someone else's behavior. I want to stress this because a lot of your posts seem to have a theme of figuring out how you can do or word things differently in order to alter your A's behavior in the relationship. They are very "him"-focused. Not a lot about what's best for you.
The reality is he may never change and there is nothing you can do or say to increase the odds that he will. Believe me, the folks on these boards have tried EVERYTHING. All we can ever do is make sure our own needs are being met.
A Rule says: "Other people are not allowed to yell at me." The success of this rule depends on the other person knowing my rules and agreeing to them; essentially, it relies on them bending to my will. I have no means of enforcing this rule if it is broken. I have no power here.
A Boundary says, "I will not be in the company of people who are yelling at me." I have all the power here. Other people do not have to even know my boundary for me to enforce it. If someone starts yelling at me, I leave. The onus is on me to be prepared to leave if my boundary is broken.
I think when I first started to hear about boundaries I thought "oh great, boundaries will help other people see how their behavior affects me negatively and that will make them change." It does not work that way. Boundaries are only about you and what you are prepared to do in order to protect yourself -- physically and emotionally. They are not about altering someone else's behavior. I want to stress this because a lot of your posts seem to have a theme of figuring out how you can do or word things differently in order to alter your A's behavior in the relationship. They are very "him"-focused. Not a lot about what's best for you.
The reality is he may never change and there is nothing you can do or say to increase the odds that he will. Believe me, the folks on these boards have tried EVERYTHING. All we can ever do is make sure our own needs are being met.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
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A True Boundary is not over-extending myself into other people's space.
Start there.
Remember Step 1 is I cannot control others.
So we have to learn how to live in a world full of other people.
We can't always choose who we're around but sometimes we can.
And we definitely must follow God's will. To find that I needed the 12 Steps so I would know where He wants me.
Start there.
Remember Step 1 is I cannot control others.
So we have to learn how to live in a world full of other people.
We can't always choose who we're around but sometimes we can.
And we definitely must follow God's will. To find that I needed the 12 Steps so I would know where He wants me.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
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oh THIS - From Ladyscribbler.....
"If you do say no to him, resist his sweetness, which is not love, but manipulation, then you will see the monster resurface. That's how this works. He hasn't changed anything except his tone of voice. "
When I finally put my foot down in June - My real foot. Bye bye sweet and wonderful. The backlash was as bad or worse than the marriage...
"If you do say no to him, resist his sweetness, which is not love, but manipulation, then you will see the monster resurface. That's how this works. He hasn't changed anything except his tone of voice. "
When I finally put my foot down in June - My real foot. Bye bye sweet and wonderful. The backlash was as bad or worse than the marriage...
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Originally Posted by carmen303 
In my previous post, I thought I was done with my A. He had crossed the line an with angry, hurtful outburst (worse than the others). I'm still keeping my distance, but he has gone back to being sweet and wonderful. He wants to work on this. I'm still in limbo, not sure what to do. If I do go back, how would I set boundaries in a successful way?
That is, unless your A is serious about his recovery. Most alcoholics do not get well, or even particularly want to, and he almost certainly won't work on it if you keep going back to him - no matter what he says.
You need to decide what sort of behaviour is acceptable to you in life, but for me - I've found the following boundaries are useful:
- If I can't be happy in a relationship with this person EXACTLY the way they are, without needing them to change, then it's a no-go.
- Anyone who drinks to excess and/or becomes mean when they drink - but still carries on drinking - is also a no-go.
My ex had a history of domestic violence, and was generally quite overbearing. He told me at the start of the relationship "If you feel bullied, or that I'm talking over you - CALL ME ON IT! - because I'm not aware of it!"
Yes, he wanted to work on it, too. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha... I relaxed the first boundary above, to my cost, because I was convinced he was sincere.
A more realistic assessment of the situation at the start would have been 'Here's a bullying alcoholic who gets mean and abusive, and keeps saying he wants to change but apparently gives the responsibility for that back to me - is this what I'm looking for in a partner?'
Mind you, I'd never have got into Alanon without him, and I have much to be grateful for - and life is better today than I could ever have dreamed possible. Without him in it.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
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Thanks Rosalba for your post. I think I needed to be reminded of that today.
Carmen I am sorry to say I don't think I have any advice on how to set boundaries to make a relationship work.
I will tell you what happened to me though -what I let happen.
I set boundaries with my bf. One sunday night, I told him "If you take that second pint of vodka, I am NOT staying with you". And he didn't. We had been dating for a couple of months. A month or so after that, his mother told me he even called her later on that night and told her "I think she loves me !"
But then again, what she didn't know was: by that time he was buying a second pint on sunday afternoons. I kept telling him I was going to leave him when I couldn't deal with him being drunk AND high (pretty much what happened every friday night when he'd get his paycheck: one pint, two pints...followed by coke, and sometimes more coke).
He'd yell at me, tell me to go back to my country/my parents, that he didn't love me etc just to get me angry so he'd have a reason to use.
Anyway fast forward a year and a half later. He was drunk and high every day for a week. Saturday night I couldn't take the yelling anymore but I had nowhere to go (no friends, no family) so after a long walk around town I came back and went to bed. The worst part is, when I came back he laughed at me for not enforcing my boundaries.
The next time it happened (a week after the past one), I packed my stuffs and got everything out of the house before he came back from work. I felt horrible. But I needed to do it for my own good. He'd have talked me out of it -he's very good for that.
I had promised him not to leave without talking to him about it first, and I had been trying for a month. Every one of my neighbors had seen how much of a wreck I was. They tried telling him I was going to leave him sooner than later.
Anyway. It was almost a year ago. Since then, he understood how sick he was (addictions but not only) and he went through open heart surgery and we are still together. He's not doing coke because he is afraid it could kill him (he's in heart failure) and as far as I know, was sober until last week and has been sober since he admitted he relapsed.
I am going so far out of what I thought I would accept FOR HIM. I don't like it. Because what does that tell you? Once again, I let him push my boundaries away.
Carmen I am sorry to say I don't think I have any advice on how to set boundaries to make a relationship work.
I will tell you what happened to me though -what I let happen.
I set boundaries with my bf. One sunday night, I told him "If you take that second pint of vodka, I am NOT staying with you". And he didn't. We had been dating for a couple of months. A month or so after that, his mother told me he even called her later on that night and told her "I think she loves me !"
But then again, what she didn't know was: by that time he was buying a second pint on sunday afternoons. I kept telling him I was going to leave him when I couldn't deal with him being drunk AND high (pretty much what happened every friday night when he'd get his paycheck: one pint, two pints...followed by coke, and sometimes more coke).
He'd yell at me, tell me to go back to my country/my parents, that he didn't love me etc just to get me angry so he'd have a reason to use.
Anyway fast forward a year and a half later. He was drunk and high every day for a week. Saturday night I couldn't take the yelling anymore but I had nowhere to go (no friends, no family) so after a long walk around town I came back and went to bed. The worst part is, when I came back he laughed at me for not enforcing my boundaries.
The next time it happened (a week after the past one), I packed my stuffs and got everything out of the house before he came back from work. I felt horrible. But I needed to do it for my own good. He'd have talked me out of it -he's very good for that.
I had promised him not to leave without talking to him about it first, and I had been trying for a month. Every one of my neighbors had seen how much of a wreck I was. They tried telling him I was going to leave him sooner than later.
Anyway. It was almost a year ago. Since then, he understood how sick he was (addictions but not only) and he went through open heart surgery and we are still together. He's not doing coke because he is afraid it could kill him (he's in heart failure) and as far as I know, was sober until last week and has been sober since he admitted he relapsed.
I am going so far out of what I thought I would accept FOR HIM. I don't like it. Because what does that tell you? Once again, I let him push my boundaries away.
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wow keep it simple..that first post "our boundaries do not tell others how to act, they tell US how to act. " because of my urge to rescue, to people please, to mother, to father, to martyr, to manage, to manipulate, to fix, to make right, to reason, to scold, to calm......that's sick.....that is why I suffer....I learnt in al-anon the value of having Values...to know my limits and to take care of myself, that's when I know what action I need to take with myself, NOT my friends, A or otherwise.....just the thing I needed to hear when I slip back into old ways and remember..........how do I want to act....what are my boundaries.....so help me God, and grant me the power.
"a theme of figuring out how you can do or word things differently in order to alter your A's behavior in the relationship........nothing you can do or say to increase the odds tha.........All we can ever do is make sure our own needs are being met. "
sweet lordy lord, the epitome of alanon recovery for me in these words,,, didnt cause it, cant control it, cant cure it, get off their back, get onto yourself , get to meetings, give em to god!
"a theme of figuring out how you can do or word things differently in order to alter your A's behavior in the relationship........nothing you can do or say to increase the odds tha.........All we can ever do is make sure our own needs are being met. "
sweet lordy lord, the epitome of alanon recovery for me in these words,,, didnt cause it, cant control it, cant cure it, get off their back, get onto yourself , get to meetings, give em to god!
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I think it's interesting how boundaries are so commonly misinterpreted as a new mechanism to control something about a situation that we don't like.
Here is my take on boundaries (take what you like and leave the rest):
Boundaries are really just you making a pact with yourself about how you're going to act (or not act) in the event that something unpleasant happens.
IE: Boyfriend comes home drunk. Maybe your boundary is that you're going to ask him to go somewhere else for the night, if he declines, then maybe you go somewhere else.
For me, my boundary (however, I have calmly communicated my boundaries with my husband as my boundaries also pertain to our children) is that my husband cannot see me or our children if he's been drinking within the past 30 days. Started relapsing a couple weeks ago and I let him know that his drinking was creating an unhealthy environment for me and our kids. He moved out.
My aunt recently sent me an email about how I need to stop bad mouthing my husband and calling him an "alcoholic" (like it's a slur, LOL!!!!) because she's still very fond of him. Okie dokie. Well, I don't need to respond to people who cannot be nice to me. She handed me her crap and I'm just not going to respond to it. There is nothing I can say that will right that ship. My boundary there is that I'm not going to engage with people who instigate for the sake of instigating a fight.
Boundaries just help me keep myself in a place with the least amount of other people's dysfunctional stress as possible. I'm a known fixer to my dysfunctional friends and family, I'm often handed problems and I'm starting to get pretty good and gently declining them. Boundaries are the ability to say "no, I don't like this." and removing yourself from that situation in a peaceful and kind manner.
Here is my take on boundaries (take what you like and leave the rest):
Boundaries are really just you making a pact with yourself about how you're going to act (or not act) in the event that something unpleasant happens.
IE: Boyfriend comes home drunk. Maybe your boundary is that you're going to ask him to go somewhere else for the night, if he declines, then maybe you go somewhere else.
For me, my boundary (however, I have calmly communicated my boundaries with my husband as my boundaries also pertain to our children) is that my husband cannot see me or our children if he's been drinking within the past 30 days. Started relapsing a couple weeks ago and I let him know that his drinking was creating an unhealthy environment for me and our kids. He moved out.
My aunt recently sent me an email about how I need to stop bad mouthing my husband and calling him an "alcoholic" (like it's a slur, LOL!!!!) because she's still very fond of him. Okie dokie. Well, I don't need to respond to people who cannot be nice to me. She handed me her crap and I'm just not going to respond to it. There is nothing I can say that will right that ship. My boundary there is that I'm not going to engage with people who instigate for the sake of instigating a fight.
Boundaries just help me keep myself in a place with the least amount of other people's dysfunctional stress as possible. I'm a known fixer to my dysfunctional friends and family, I'm often handed problems and I'm starting to get pretty good and gently declining them. Boundaries are the ability to say "no, I don't like this." and removing yourself from that situation in a peaceful and kind manner.
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